Remembering You Ch. 02

My dark hair was short, thanks to the haircut I had received just a couple days before being discharged from the hospital. My green eyes were bright again, after being sunken with dark circles around them as when I first woke up. I almost felt normal, until I reached up and felt the back of my head, where the bullet had exited and my life had shattered to pieces.

"John! Our reservations are at seven!" Cody's voice was muffled through the door and it jerked me out of my daydreaming. I quickly buttoned up my shirt and jammed my legs into the khakis. I opened the door as Cody was just about to start knocking.

"How do I look?"

"Amazingly sexy." He grinned and led me to the door. He leaned against the wall outside and waited for me to lock it. After exiting the building, we walked a couple blocks down the road, toward the waterfront. The restaurant Cody had selected was dark and romantic, but the prices were also through the roof.

I stared down at the menu trying to find the cheapest thing; it was a bowl of avgolemono for fourteen bucks. I blinked and looked at the rest of the menu; a plate of patstitsio was thirty. I looked across the table at Cody, he was studying the menu, but without the look of consternation that I was sure I had plastered across my face.

"Gentlemen, would you like to see our wine list tonight?" The waiter interrupted me as I opened my mouth to speak.

"No," Cody replied, smiling serenely, "we'll just take a bottle of the house red. Thank you."

"Certainly, may I just check your IDs?" The waiter held out his hand expectantly. I felt the heat rise into my cheeks.

"I...I must have, uh...must have left mine at home..." Cody looked at me blankly as I said it and then a realization broke across his face. He promptly shoved his wallet back into his pocket.

"Me too, we'll just have a pitcher of iced tea. Thanks." The waiter nodded curtly and walked away. "I'm so sorry John, I wasn't even thinking."

"It's fine," I replied, embarrassed. I picked up my previous train of thought and started again, "Cody, this is a really nice place..."

"It is, isn't it?" He gestured around. "I absolutely love this place. And they really do have the best food; I can't wait for you to taste it!"

"No, I don't think you understand," I was starting to get annoyed again. It was strange, I had never felt this way when I was in the hospital with Cody, but out here everything seemed to be different. "I can't afford any of this. The damn bowl of soup is fourteen bucks!"

"Oh, that's what you're worried about? Don't be, tonight is on me."

"I'm sure it is, just like everything else!" My voice was starting to rise now. The smile dropped from Cody's face.

"What are you talking about?" His voice was quiet, but it sounded dangerous. Just then, the waiter came back with the iced tea and poured it into our glasses. The tension was palpable and the silence uncomfortable, broken only by the ice clinking against the glass. The waiter wisely walked away without saying anything more. I leaned forward and lowered my voice.

"I mean the rent, the new bed, the clothes, the food, the restaurant that I didn't get to choose, the food that you're not going to let me pay for. In case you haven't noticed, I'm an adult. I can take care of myself."

Cody looked dumbstruck, then something like anger blazed behind his eyes. "I did all of that for you tohelpyou. You have to realize that you have absolutely no fucking money John. None. You should be grateful that I'm helping you out. I took you out to dinner tonight because you agreed to come with me last week. I'm starting to think it was a mistake now."

"You're right!" I made no effort to keep my voice down anymore and the other patrons of the restaurant were looking over, watching the show as I started to explode. "I amsograteful to you for treating me like a child. I amsograteful that you feel the need to take care of me. Believe it or not Cody, even if I can't remember it, there was a time in my life that I took care of myself. I can sure as hell do it again!" I stood up and stormed out of the restaurant, leaving him speechless behind and made my way back to my apartment alone.

I opened the door and looked around. Even here I couldn't get away from Cody and the overbearing ownership he seemed to have taken over me. The space that was supposed to be mine was found and paid for by him. I didn't think I could be there anymore, it was all too much. Locking the door as I turned away, I made my way down the street to the small park a couple blocks in the opposite direction of the restaurant.

I sat down on one of the green wooden benches and surveyed the city stretching out before me, the lights twinkling innocently in the early twilight. A sudden sense of peace washed over me and the knot in my chest started to relax. Codydidhave a point; without him I would have nothing right now, but it still didn't give him the right to take over my life. All I wanted was independence; when I was in the hospital I had none, all the decisions were made for me. And I was sick of everyone treating me like I was dying or something, tiptoeing around me and avoiding the fact that I had no clue who I was.

Everyone except Cody. He talked about it openly, often speculating about how I was before the accident, whereas everyone else would act like nothing was wrong. Cody acknowledged I had a hard road ahead of me, but wasn't daunted by it. He had been nothing but supportive, and he obviously cared enough to make sure I was taken care of after I was released from the hospital -something I was sure he didn't do for every patient. It didn't help that he was totally hot either.

Everything that he had done for me, everything that I had yelled at him for earlier tonight, he had done because he really cared about me. And I was a selfish asshole and ruined it. All he wanted to do was take care of me, but I was too pigheaded to see that I couldn't do it on my own, that I actually did need to be taken care of. Suddenly, without warning, the entirety of my situation washed over me. I had absolutely no one, I didn't know who I was or where I came from, I was starting over with nothing. I had to try to piece a life back together that I didn't know anything about. It was like putting together a puzzle without a clear picture of what I was supposed to be making. I didn't know when I would be done, or if the pieces are fitting together correctly.

Tears prickled at the corners of my eyes. I didn't like feeling so guilty, and I certainly did about the way I treated Cody earlier. I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't want to talk to me anymore. After all, I gave him plenty of reasons. It was starting to get dark and streetlights were popping on all along the boulevard. I arose from the bench and made my way home. There was a note taped to the door when I got back. It was short.

"J,

Sorry that tonight went so badly. I should have known better—let's talk soon.

-C

P.S. I left some food from Adriano's with the super. He said he'd get it to you."

When I opened the door there was a takeout bag sitting on the counter. I took it and threw it in the fridge; the superintendent must have come in and put it there. The note was inscrutable and I couldn't decide if it was a good or bad one. On the one hand, he was sorry that the night went badly, and he wanted to talk soon. On the other hand, he said he should have known better. He should have known better than to what? Ask me out in the first place? Think that I could handle going on a date with him? I was exhausted and confused. All I wanted to do was go to bed.

I quickly undressed, brushed my teeth and crawled between the sheets. They must have sat at Cody's house for a while, they smelled like him. I closed my eyes, but sleep wouldn't take me. I tossed and turned all night, worried about what the next day would bring. I thought about calling Cody, he had left his number with me before I left the hospital, but I didn't really feel it was prudent to do so at three in the morning.

I watched the sun rise through the windows of my apartment. Or rather, I watched the light struggle to shine in through the dirt covering the windows; they were much too dirty to see out of properly. I rummaged through some of the stuff that Cody had bought me yesterday to find something suitable for breakfast. I settled on some instant coffee and a bowl of cereal. The only problem was that I didn't have any bowls or mugs. Or a pot to boil the water for that matter. It was hopeless. I cracked open a window and crawled out onto the balcony. The morning was warm and the sun was just peeking up over the city skyline.

The phone started to ring and I almost jumped out of my skin. I knew of only one person that would have my number, the person who paid to get it connected. I scrambled back inside and went to answer the call. My hand shook as I picked up the receiver and put it to my ear.

"Hello?" I already knew who was going to be on the other end.

"Hi John?" Cody's voice was distorted, "How are you doing this morning?"

"I'm fine." The conversation was really awkward, almost like we were strangers.

"Listen, I'm really sorry..."

"Don't be. I shouldn't have gone off on you like that." I could feel the heat rising to my cheeks again, this time in embarrassment.

"But I also should have realized that you wanted your independence. It wasn't up to me to take care of you, and I overstepped my bounds. I just wanted to say I'm sorry."

"Cody, listen, it's okay that you wanted to take care of me. It's nice to know that someone cares. I shouldn't have taken offense, because I really think that I like you. I...I was just worried that I messed everything up."

"You didn't, don't worry." He laughed quietly. I opened my mouth to ask him when I could see him next, but I was interrupted by a knock at the door.

"Hold up Cody, there's someone here..." I went to the door and opened it. Cody stood there with his cell held to his ear, grinning widely. He was smoking hot in a navy hoodie and white running shorts. I stood there stunned; he dropped his arms to his side, hanging up the phone.

"So... can I come in?" His smile never faltered.

"Su..sure." I gestured behind me, still stunned that he was here. More so after the way I treated him the night before at the restaurant. He strolled in, hands in his pockets, and swung around to face me, sitting on the peninsula counter that separated the kitchen from the living room. "So, what brings you this way?"

"Well, I fucked up." He looked at me frankly; it was a little more direct than I was prepared for. I momentarily lost my power of speech again.

"H...how do you figure?" He rolled his eyes a little bit at my comment.

"I think you know..." I raised my eyebrows at him so he continued, "I shouldn't have pushed you. I have worked with a lot of trauma patients in my life, I should have known better how to talk to one. How to care for one..." He was earnestly trying to placate me. Instead, he was riling me up again; when would he understand? What would it take for him to get it? I didn't need to be cared for!

"I don't want you to 'care for me,'" I wrinkled my nose at the phrase, "if you want to date me then date me. You've already been my nurse, and a damn good one, but the man I want to date needs to be a partner. I realize that I'm going to need help and these next couple months are going to be hard. But there's a difference between being supportive and being overbearing."

Sensing that things were headed south again, Cody walked over and took my hands in his. "John, I want nothing more than to be your partner. I have tremendously enjoyed being your nurse, and the perks that came with it," he chuckled softly, remembering the blowjob on my hospital bed, "I guess I just didn't know how to separate the nurse me from the me that was supposed to be going on a date with you. I want to make sure that you're alright, and if it gets to be too much I want you to tell me... but just maybe in a little nicer way than last time."

My cheeks flushed with embarrassment again. That seemed to be Cody's way - piss me off and then make me embarrassed for getting upset. It wasn't a very fun cycle to be stuck in. "I don't know Cody. Do you think it's too much? I mean, I just got out of the hospital, under your care no less. Would you be able to stop being my nurse and start being my boyfriend?"

Genuine concern shone in his eyes, something that had been there all along, but I had chosen to ignore or dismiss as haughtiness or pity. He pulled me closer to him and I fell into his embrace. His voice was low and husky, almost a growl, "John Brennan, I will do whatever it takes to win you over. I don't want to care for you, I want to protect you. Even though when I'm around you I feel like I'm the one who needs protecting. The truth is, you have more of my heart than I would like to admit. And I'm terrified about what you're going to do with it. I think I'm falling in love with you."

I didn't know what to say. It seemed like so much, such a strong statement, one I wasn't sure I could reciprocate. I opened my mouth to respond, but nothing wanted to come out. I closed my mouth and started to turn away, but Cody's strong hands held me in place. "Please let me go." I struggled to keep my voice calm.

"John, please talk to me." He was shaking slightly. When I looked up into his eyes, he silently pleaded with me to stay. Pleaded with me not to run like last time.

"Cody, I-" I faltered, even then not sure what was going to come out of my mouth. "I think you should go." I shocked even myself by saying it.

"What?" He looked confused. Tears started to prick the sides of his eyes. "Why?"

"I...I don't know Cody!" I was growing hysterical, letting my emotions run wild. "Maybe because you just told me you were in love with me? I mean, Jesus, you've only known me for a month! You don't knowanythingabout me."

"Don't tell me that you don't love me too John, I know you do. I can see it in the way you look at me, feel it when you touch me." He was begging now, tears running down his face. My heart softened momentarily, but my resolve returned.

"But that's not the way it works! You don't fall in love with someone after a month!"

"Who says?"

"Everyone! Everyone says! People don't just fall in love like that! How can you love me when I don't even know who 'me' is?" Cody finally let my hands go. His expression was replaced by another and his face darkened. There were no tears anymore as he spoke again.

"You're right." His words dripped with venom, "I was stupid to think that I loved you. I see that now. You're just a selfish prick who's too wrapped up in his own bullshit to let anyone in. And I'm the stupid guy who thought he could make a difference." He turned to walk away. I immediately regretted everything I had said, no matter how true it seemed when I was saying it. Cody looked so ugly when those hateful words were coming out of his mouth - and I didn't think that Cody couldeverlook ugly.

"Cody, wait..."

"Go fuck yourself, John." He turned around and looked me in the eye defiantly. "Be at Dover's tonight at 7, Eric will get everything set up for you. Here's the address." He handed me a small slip of paper and made his way to the door and opened it, leaving me standing shell-shocked in the middle of the room. He paused as he was leaving and looked back at me one more time, more gorgeous than the first time I saw him. "Goodbye John."

"Cody?" He paused again and looked back at me, almost hopefully, as if I could say the right thing and this all would go away. Sadly, we both knew there was no truth to fairytales. "When will I see you again?" He smirked, a little sadly.

"I think we both know the answer to that." And then he was gone. The muddy light streamed in behind me as I went to the kitchen, suddenly famished. I pulled the Adriano's out of the bag and grabbed one of the plastic forks that Cody bought me. I sat at my kitchen table and took a bite of patstisio. Itwasdelicious, even cold. The events of the last ten minutes finally started to wash over me and I was overwhelmed. I knew I didn't love Cody, but because I had been honest I lost him forever. The hopelessness of the situation took over me and I felt tears well up in my eyes. I sobbed quietly and took another bite of the takeout Cody had bought for me. It was the last thing I had left of him. I cried silently and finished it all, lamenting the death of a relationship that hadn't even yet begun.

I pulled on my tight black t-shirt and a pair of jeans and headed out the door, locking it securely behind me. Ben Dover's bar (admittedly not the most imaginative name for a gay bar ever) was situated just a couple of blocks from the bay and it was one of the premier clubs in the city. As I strolled along the boardwalk, the late afternoon sun streaming down on me, the day's events played over in my head for the hundredth time. I didn't see any way around it, Cody Reynolds had walked out of my life, and I didn't think he would be walking back in. I just had to accept it and move on.

The waves crashed in the background, as turbulent as my thoughts. The beach was just starting to shift from the families and tourists of the daytime to the nighttime scene. The huts that rent out boogie boards to pre-teen boys during the day turned into walk-up bars that sold nothing but tequila shots by night. There was a small pickup game of beach volleyball just a couple of feet from the boardwalk. The teams were two on two, and the men playing were muscular and hopelessly attractive. I stopped to survey them just a little bit, but pretended to be watching the sun inching its way toward the horizon.

The two on the side closest to me were wearing trunk shorts that were slung low on their hips and cut high on their legs. Their backs rippled with muscles while they playfully batted the ball back and forth over the net. Their asses stretched the material as they bent low to dig a spike or dove to catch a stray ball. The other team was wearing lycra swimmers that clung tightly to their bodies. All four of the men were deeply tanned and well toned. But one was just a little lighter than the rest—not overly dark like his friends—and he had dusty blonde hair on his head. It was parted neatly to the side and swept across his forehead suavely.

"Heads up!" The ball came whizzing through the air toward me. On instinct, my hand shot up and caught it. The attractive blonde was running toward me, his bulge jiggling as he moved. He reached the boardwalk and stepped up to me. He was about an inch taller than myself, even though he wasn't wearing shoes.

"Here you go," I tossed the volleyball back to him, grinning a little sheepishly.

"Thanks." He tucked the ball under his arm for safekeeping. Eyeing my black t-shirt and jeans, he smirked. "I'm guessing you're a bartender then?"

"Yep, my first night over at Dover's on the waterfront. I've never bartended before, so I'm a little nervous."

"Don't be." He surveyed me once again, and cocked one eyebrow. "Take it from me, bartending is one part skill and two parts looks. So I think you'll be fine."

"Thanks." I blushed and grinned at him stupidly.

"I'm Alex." He held out his hand, I took it and pumped it up and down. His grip was firm.

"John."

"Well, Bartender John, I have to get back to my game, but it would be cool to see you later. I'll bring my friends out to Dover's and I'll catch you then." We exchanged goodbyes and he ran back to the beach as I watched his tight little ass bounce up and down.

I was standing at the doorway of Dover's just a short while after. The building was imposing, all black polished stone and glass. I walked inside and made my way past the bouncer station and into the main club area. The dance floor was sunk down from the main level and the subsequent floors above the dance floor bore over it like awnings, but left most of the club open-air. The bar was on the main floor, off to the right and on the opposite side from the DJ booth.