Richard

I've heard people tell him "don't let the little head do the thinking". Like I don't know as much as the 'big' head? Where has he gotten us? This scratchy material sure isn't silk and I haven't seen my friend Miss Kitty in a long time. Ooh I'm getting bigger; what's he looking at? Nothing much I guess; I'm shrinking. He probably saw a bra ad in a magazine. You would not believe how many times a day my head gets pressed into the back of this zipper for false alarms.

Hi, my name is Richard and I'm special. I must be because I have so many other names: Dick, Rod, Meat Pole…it goes on and on. I think my last name is Johnson but I'm not sure because my owner Lawrence's last name is Kravitt. It's a bit confusing but how special can he be with only Lawrence and Larry for names?

I also have some problem with my age. I seem to have woken up when he was twelve; does that make me seven or nineteen now? Like I said, it's a bit confusing.

One thing that isn't confusing is that if he let me run the show we'd all have a better time. He spends eight hours a day in an office and keeps me in the dark the whole time. How stupid is that? And boy is he lazy. I'm up every morning ready to go and he's asleep. I don't think he ever got up before me in his entire life.

We'd also have a lot more fun if he went to see Bonnie more often. (He picks a girl with one name; that tells you something) He only goes over once or twice a week but at least I get out a little and see Miss Kitty. Talk about names, she's got a load. We don't meet that often and half the time I'm out of earshot but it sounds like one is from the Sopranos and one from a philosopher-Big Pussy and Kant.

I've made lots of friends over at Bonnie's besides Miss Kitty: there's the twins Titty and Titty, (who have hundreds of other names) Sweet Cheeks and Lipps. An afternoon spent between any of them is lots better than a day at the office.

I wish he would just do what Bonnie says; I know I would be a lot happier. Almost every time we're over there, she talks about me and practically begs him, "give it to me, give it to me, let me have it" but no, I have to go home with him every time. It would be so nice to live with the girls at Bonnie's.

He also says dumb things. When you feel good you grow, right? It's so obvious. Like when I'm between the twins; I feel good and I get twice as wide and twice as tall. Lawrence expects Bonnie to believe him when he tells her, "I feel so good, you make me feel so good" but he starts out at 5'11" and ends up at 5'11". How dumb is that?

I guess he's not all bad because he gives me lots of rubdowns, but no matter how much he practices, Bonnie still does it better. I stand at attention when she just calls me her little soldier.

Last Saturday night was great until Larry spoiled it. We go over to Bonnie's and they have a drink. (It's funny that whenever he has a drink, I get ideas) She starts talking to me and I rise to the occasion. Before I know it Lipps is kissing my head. Licker then comes out to play and I'm jumping for joy. Licker invites me in and washes me off. I live for these Saturday night baths. (Why don't we come for a bath a couple of times a day? How dumb is that?)

Next it's a visit to the twins. Bonnie (ever considerate) pushes them together to make me comfy between them. I take a nice ride up and down the valley (Hey Larry, more trips like this and less time at the office.) I know the twins are feeling good because their tips are growing. (Look and learn Larry)

After a short but enjoyable stay I can hardly wait to see Miss Kitty. After the usual polite introductions, I go in to see her and we play 'hello, goodbye – hello, goodbye'. No matter how many times I've played, that's one game I don't get tired of. (Sometimes at the end we play the shorter version: 'hi, bye – hi bye' also known to other Richards as 'In the dark-In the light')

After playing for a while, I'm about as wide and tall as I'm going to get; even Miss Kitty has grown. I can hear Bonnie yelling, "Give it to me, give it to me". (Save your breath, I'm going home with Lawrence) Kitty and I are seeing more and less of each other in a shorter period of time. There's so much noise up there I can hardly think. I feel so good I could explode. OH MAN, HANG ON MISS KITTY I'M GONNA…Whew, what is that stuff all about?

Well at any rate I'm feeling real mellow as I leave Miss Kitty's. The two of them are talking for a while and Bonnie (ever thoughtful) is massaging me after the workout. She says to Larry, "how about another round"? I'm not sure what she means but I know I like it because I'm growing again. Then Lawrence says, "I'd love to but I have to be in the office early tomorrow."

Talk about a 'putz'; I didn't even get to see Sweet Cheeks yet. WHAT ARE YOU DOING, IDIOT? I can yell until I'm blue in the head, but I'm in the dark again and we're on our way home.

Oh well tomorrow's another day and I'll be up early.