Richard Thinks I'm a Bitch

I'm tired! I hate mornings, for that matter I hate evenings to.

I hate him!

Who?

My husband of course….HATE!! HATE!!

Why?

Because, I'm an irrational, spiteful bitch. BITCH! BITCH! BITCH!

If I'm the bitch, why do I hate my husband, it can't be his fault can it? Why can't it be his fault he's alive isn't he. Not that I want him dead, god forbid that, but if he'd never been born, then I could not hate him. Perhaps, if he'd been born a woman, maybe I'd understand him. I don't understand men, men are strange, but then again, I don't even understand myself.

"I don't like you Doctor Samuel!" I'd like to tell him, I hate you Doctor Samuel, but I'm afraid of Doctor Samuel, did I tell you I'm afraid of my husband? A wife shouldn't be afraid of her husband, should she? Richard has never done anything to make me afraid of him, actually he's very gentle with me. Why am I afraid of Richard? Why doesn't Richard know I'm afraid of him, sometimes I think he's afraid of me. I know he thinks I'm a bitch.

"Why," this is confusing, it's Doctor Samuel asking why.

"You ask to many question…..You have no answers!" I hate you most Doctor Samuel because you make me think, I don't want to think, I want to stay in bed all day, sleeping. I hate you Doctor Samuel, you give me what I want. I don't want to need that, but if I tell you that, you may not give it to me. I need it, don't I?

"I'll see you again tomorrow, Diane," always tomorrow. Sometimes I wonder if Richard should be spending so much money on Doctor Samuel, sometime I don't care, Doctor Samuel gives me what I want.

I hate Doctor Samuel, I'm never going to get better, maybe I'm not sick, maybe it's just Doctor Samuel and of course Richard, my husband. Sometimes I think they're conspiring to drive me insane. Which of course just proves I'm insane, if Richard wanted me out of his life he'd just divorce me, wouldn't he, he can afford it.

Sometimes I wish Richard would just divorce me, sometimes I'm afraid Richard is going to divorce me! If Richard divorced me, I'd have money, but Richard has MONEY, I like the having MONEY better then just having money. Did I tell you Richard is gorgeous? Did I tell you I love Richard. I hate Richard. I'm insane, did the Doctor Samual tell you that? Maybe he's just a quake, at the very least he's just a man, you shouldn't listen to him, or maybe you should. I'm confused, is that a sign I'm insane, maybe it's a sign Richard is putting something in my food. More likely it's the pills Doctor Samuel is giving me, maybe Richard put something in my pills.

Sometimes I think I'm completely sane, now isn't that just insane, no one I know is completely sane. I wish I had normal friends, maybe normal people are sane. But isn't it insane to work all day 9 to 5 job, then come home and sit in front of the TV. I don't want to be normal, I don't want a normal job. Last year I worked 87 days, I was near exhaustion. When I was young, I'm not young any longer, I'm 28, I used to work more days a year. But isn't 28 young, well it's not in my profession, young is like 18. Most don't even last to 20. Sometimes I feel really old, like 40.

"I hate you Tony," I can say this to Tony because I'm not afraid of him. "One minute I'm to hippie, the next I don't have hips, what is it Tony, it can't be both?" I hate Tony mostly because I've gained five pounds, I'm getting hippie. I looked in the mirror after breakfast, I used to be thin, I can't afford not to be thin. I stuck my finger down my throat, god I hate doing that! If I can't get back to 117 lbs, 13% body fat, I'll just die! I hate feeling fat.

"Your a damn faggot, Tony, why do you care if I get fat?" I can call Tony a faggot, he's gay, I love Tony, he's my almost best friend. I only get to see Tony two times a year now, just for the spring and fall shows. Tony's the best fashion designer in the U.S., my opinion anyway. "I can quit Tony, I don't need your shit, Richard's rich, I don't need to work. Maybe I should quit, I just don't need any of this. I could eat, eat, eat, get fat, fat, fat. Tony, you really don't think I'm getting fat, do you?" I wonder if Richard would divorce me if I got fat, most likely, if he could, he would. I don't want to be fat, I don't want Richard to divorce me, but sometimes I do.

As Tony walked away, Jeanie says, "You look good with hips, Diane. Tony we're suppose to have hips, we're not suppose to look like little boys." Jeanie is another one of my almost best friends, one that I don't see but a few times a year. Jeanie's hot, if I were a man I'd do her, maybe I could anyway, maybe I hate Richard because I'm gay. I wonder if Jeanie is a lesbian or maybe bisexual. Shouldn't I know that, she's my almost best friend? Tony smiles at me, I just love Tony, he'll make me look thin, I so love this, I do need this.

I think I'm interested in Jeanie. I wonder if Richard would divorce me if I become a lesbian? Can I be a lesbian and still have a husband? I guess I could become bisexual, but I just hate doing things half ass. I don't think Richard would be upset if I were bisexual, Richard doesn't get upset about sex, Richard says sex is just sex! I like the idea of being a lesbian, no more men. Not that I don't like men, it's just that most men scare me, I'm afraid of men, I guess that goes back to Daddy dearest. I don't want to think about Daddy, enough said about him. Men are sometimes so clueless, I don't think they know I'm afraid of them, I think most think I'm a bitch. Why are men so attracted to me, is it my looks or that I'm a bitch, sometimes I think men like it when your a bitch, if not why do they keep coming back for more?

Now if I become a lesbian, I'd need to find someone like Richard, only she'd have to be a woman. Is the fact the she'd have to be a women obvious. I'd asked you what Doctor Samuel said but this isn't a good time. That's a problem, I just don't know many lesbian who are that rich. I do know one, but she's old, at least 50, of course Richard is 53 but that's not the same, now is it. Her husband died, the lesbian's husband that is, I wonder if she was a lesbian before he died. Anyway, she likes butch, a model just can't look butch, well we can, kind of, but only for short periods of time. That butch look isn't in at all this year. Besides, I don't really like women who want to be men, they scare me as much as men do.

I'm so confused at times, I'd like to be a lesbian, I might even be somewhat sane if I was in love with a woman, but how can I be a lesbian, I like cocks, big cocks. I wonder if I could be a lesbian,,, if,,, I fell in love with a woman, stayed married to Richard and still fucked men with be cocks. I'd have no problem staying married to Richard and not having sex with him, I do, or should that be don't, that most of the time now anyway. Did I tell you Richard thinks I'm a bitch. Did I tell you I don't fuck Richard often, I guess I just did, when I do it's just a mercy fuck. Richard sucks in bed, I wonder if he always did, I think maybe he did, I don't remember him giving me many orgasms. I'm almost sure Richard thinks I'm a bitch.

Did I tell you Richard is gorgeous, I think I did. We do make a striking couple. Sometimes I think men like me because I'd make any of them look good, famous men want to look good. They all want to be seen with women who look like they're models, or movie stars. I'm sure I didn't tell you Richard also has a beautiful body. Did I tell you, he has very little body hair, I just hate hairy men, that is unless they have big cocks, which Richard doesn't. Maybe hating lots of body hair is a sign I'm a lesbian, but then the cock thing is a obstacle to being a lesbian. But I only like big cocks so that rules out most men, that is a good sign, isn't it?

Something that's not relevant at all just pooped into my head. Did you know Richard and I tried to get pregnant, isn't that just stupid, I don't mean getting pregnant, I mean when people like myself say their both trying to get pregnant, who's getting pregnant he sure as hell isn't, wouldn't it be nice if the man could get pregnant. Anyway we couldn't, nothing wrong with either of us, we just couldn't. That isn't really true, I did miscarry twice, but I didn't tell Richard, one of the doctors said that may have been because my body fat is so low. If I told Richard he may want me to get fat, then after we had the baby, he'd want to divorce me because I was fat. Beside I don't want to be fat, but sometimes I wish I could be fat. Did I tell you I hate sticking my finger down my throat?

I really shouldn't tell you this, it's just further proof I'm insane or at the very least not a good wife, Richard has a very small cock, smallest I've ever seen or felt or kind of not felt, or maybe it's I used to feel it but don't much any more. Not that I really cared about cock size before I met Richard. Not really after I met him either, well not at first, being small was ok with me, THEN. You'd think, being I am a model, I've been a model since the summer of my sixteenth birthday, that I'd have had a lot of men, well that just isn't true. Less then a bakers dozen in all, does less then a bakers dozen sound better then a dozen? That dozen was before I married Richard, not one of them had big a cock.

See, that is the trouble with men, most men are just average, I wasn't lucky enough to find one who wasn't just that, always average or less. The other thing you'd think is, that famous men, the ones women droll over, most of my dozen were famous actors or rock stars, the ones women droll over, they'd be hung now wouldn't you. The truth is they're not, just average, and most aren't even good lovers. I dated one Rock Star, we were a real item in the tabloids, I'm not about to mention his name, I have enough trouble without a law suit, was suppose to be so great at giving oral, he was always sticking his tongue out on stage. He did have a big tongue, but what the fuck does that have to do with anything? He couldn't even get me off, and by the way, what you see on stage isn't him, most likely a sock, he was almost as small as Richard.

I did hint that Richard was the reason I now like big cock didn't I. But to be truly honest, I have to include my sister in that also. Speaking about my sister, I used to just hate her, she was the gorgeous one in the family. Jane, we'll call her that, although that isn't really her name, is 3 years older then I am. Growing up I was always so skinny, not that it matters when your really little, but it matters when you first become attracted to boys. My sister was always perfectly proportioned.

We're both pretty, and we both have blonde hair, although mine is a whitish blonde and thicker. My facial feature are more refined then my sister's, high cheek bones, sharp but small nose, small mouth with very full lips, perfect white teeth, easiest way to describe my looks is as that of a cover girl, which, of course, I am. I think of my sister's beauty as that of the dumb blonde. I hope you don't take that wrong, although she is somewhat dumb at times, that dumb blonde look is sexy and turns men on. Her body also fits the dumb blonde image, great shape, big boobs, "D" cup, a little short by my standards, 5' 5".

My jealousy started mainly before my big transformation, by my fourteenth birthday I was already 5' 10", but I looked like a boy, well body wise anyway. In my eyes, my sister had the prefect body, I suppose because so many boys paid attention to her, none paid attention to me. Jane really is a nice person, I was just so jealous, you know of the boy thing. That changed during my sophomore year of high school, instead of growing up, I stopped growing up and grew out. I all of a sudden I had a body, now I don't have big boobs but that works to my advantage with the boys, then, men now, I can wear T's, without my bra, guys just love that.

As a matter of fact I hardly ever wear a bra. Never at work, the designers want that natural look, in other words they want to see some nipple. If what they've designed is see though they want the whole world to know it's see threw. Of course they could get that effect if we worn bras, but that would kind of destroy the whole idea of see threw, now wouldn't it. I could wear a bra if I worked for Victoria, but you have to have hips and boobs to work for Victoria, they want real women, well kind of real but surely not average, maybe that's what I'll do if I gain weight. I'd then have the hips and I can always buy the boobs. Yuck, I wonder if I'd need a bra with store bought boobs, I hate bras, that is the trouble with big boobs, if you run around without a bra your going to sag, of course eventually we'll all sag, well not all of us, I can afford to make sure I don't sag. Thank god for surgeons!

I guess that's when I forgave my sister, I was talking about my sister wasn't I, or was that boobs, or maybe my sister's boobs. I meant I forgave her when boys started to become attracted to me, well it really wasn't boys for long, as soon as I became a model it was men. Of course that isn't how she influenced me. Jane is smart in a dumb blonde kind of way, she found her man, a lawyer, when she was nineteen. Got married to him, had three children, all boys, bang, bang, bang. Got fat, well not really fat but pregnant fat, why don't men understand that, which caused her husband to lose interest in their sex life.

Jane loves sex!! That gave her the motivation to get back in shape, which of course, being she has such a great body, caused men to again pay attention to her, which ended up causing her to have an affair. It so happened that the man she had an affair with had a big cock, she loved it, not just the big cock but also the excitement of having an affair. I suppose you could say she was already addicted to sex, if wanting it a lot is addicted, but now, she was also addicted to having sex with men who had big dicks, whom she happened not to married to. I only say this because her husband isn't really bad in the penis department either, 7" but Jane says that isn't really big and she say he's definitely not thick enough. I wouldn't know that because, for one I've never done her husband, for two she's my sister and my best friend, I wouldn't do that to my sister. Why is it that I love my sister more then my husband, sometimes I don't love him at all, sometimes I hate him. Does this bring us back to Doctor Samuel?

Naturally if your only having an affair, not being in love, your going to grow tired of the guy, it's hard enough not to grow tired of a man you love. Did I tell you I love Richard, I hate him too. Anyway Jane grew tired of the guy she was fucking on the side, found someone else. I'm sure you know he also was well endowed. After a while Jane had a pretty good stable of men with big cocks, she'd move between them as her fancy suited her. Doesn't that sound really kewl, a stable of men, kind of like a stable full of race horses. That just made me think of that term hung like a horse, now come on men, that's way to big. I wonder what Doctor Samuel is doing right now?

Being we're close, actually she is my best friend, not almost, I knew all of this. I also knew how much better Jane thought it was having intercourse, fucking, I'm only saying fucking because if your a man reading this I don't want you to be confused, with a man who had a big cock. I can't say that made me look for men with big cocks, because it didn't. I dated more to further my career then to fuck, I guess I'd be remiss if I didn't mention dating men, who were famous and had money, but I also hoped I'd have that experience. That experience, referring to a big cock. As far as marrying a man, I didn't care the least bit about the size of his penis, as long as he was famous and had a big pocket book. Did I mention that hopefully I'd love him, I did love Richard or was it the idea of Richard, rich and famous.

I really believe in being honest, so after I married Richard, I eventually told him about Jane's affairs and her hang up with big cock. At least I thought it may have been a hang up at the time, ok did I tell you sometimes I can be a dumb blonde also! Now I don't believe in total honesty, I didn't tell him, him being Richard, I wished I could have found out before we got married. It had to be before, because I intended to be a faithful wife. Ok to be honest, I hoped to be faithful, I was admittedly curious about having sex with a big cock. I'd be remise, if I didn't mention that the big cock would have to come with a man attached. So I guess what I'm saying is that if I met a big cock, man attached, and I liked it/him, I could end up being unfaithful. See I do believe in honesty or I wouldn't have told you that, but not complete honesty because I didn't tell Richard that. Do you think Doctor Samuel is right about me?

Richard's reaction to my telling him about Jane was a total shock, at least for me, it turned him on. He liked the idea of Jane being a cheat. He was also overly curious about her liking men with big cocks. Over time he became turned on not only by Jane, but by thinking about me cheating, cheating with men who had big cocks to be exact, although in my mind it wouldn't be cheating if he knew I was with other men. Cheating was just something I didn't want to do, but then again if Richard knew, I wouldn't be cheating. Of course, Richard became obsessed with this idea of me fucking men with big cocks. I hated this obsession, isn't that natural. Again, I'll admit I wanted a big cock, man attached, maybe even more so then before. I wasn't obsessed with the idea, but overly curious, maybe I should have been obsessed, maybe all women should be, but like I said sometimes I have my blonde moments and I wasn't sure it would be that much better.

Again enter my sister, Richard and I went for a visit. Anyway one day we went to a park, now this wasn't a city park, it's was out in the country, although they live in Iowa so nothing is far from the country. I don't know why I had to tell you it was in the country, that really isn't important, maybe Doctor Samuel is right. Do you think Doctor Samuel is right? While the men were playing baseball with my sister's boys, two guys drove by on their motor cycles. Did I tell you I like riding motor cycles, I guess I couldn't have, this is the first time I talked about motor cycles, well anyway I do. But the truth is the motor cycles aren't really important to this story, they could have come in a car.

Damn it I lost my place now where was I. See maybe the good Doctor is right! Right away they noticed Jane, you know the two guys I was talking about, the ones on the motor cycle, who could have just as well been in a car, so they stopped. As you might suspect, these were both men Jane had had affairs with, something she pointed out to me as soon as they started walking towards the picnic table we were sitting at. Not only that she'd had an affair with both but that they were roommates, and she had an affair with both at the same time. Jane joked, "The only thing better then a big cock is two of them." I didn't tell you they both had big cocks did I, maybe I just assumed you'd figure that out on your own.

I could drag this out, but I won't, after a brief conversation, Jane told her husband she was going for a ride on one of the guy's motor cycle. I expected it to be a short ride, but it wasn't, Jane was gone well over an hour. When she did return, she had this just fucked look on her face. By this time Richard had joined myself and the other guy at the picnic table, while Jane's husband was pushing his boys on a nearby swing. I want to point out here that although Jane's husband is a lawyer, he's dumber then any dumb blonde I know. Any one within a mile would have know Jane had just fucked this guy. She wasn't even trying to hide it, she was even holding his hand as they walked to us. Dumb as a box of rocks fits, why do so many men fit that? That's not even a stereotype like the dumb blonde thing is. I wonder if there is a stereotype for an insane blonde, which I may or may not fit, you'll have to ask Doctor Samuel.