Riptide

I was sure I was having a panic attack. “The guilt is going to eat me up. I know it. We need to call the police. It’s not too late.”

Ruby rushed towards me and shook me. “It is too late! Stop it. Accept it. Do you know what he was going to do to you? Do you have any idea? Because even if you think you do, you’re wrong. It would have been much worse. Do you have any idea what he did to me? I’m not even a person anymore. Can you even understand that? Because if you attempt to, for even a second, you’ll know why we need to shut up about this. We will never speak of it again. I will call the cops tomorrow and tell them Nicky left after a fight. We’ll never even say you were here. Do you understand me?”

“Oh, it’ll be that easy? And Bruno?”

Ruby’s lips twisted. “Let me handle Bruno.”

“Oh? Because you’ve handled him so well so far?”

Ruby sat across from me and stared into my eyes. She’d never looked older. “Money does wondrous things. So does sex.”

I couldn’t hide my revulsion, or my skepticism. I wasn’t so sure. He frightened me. “I think you’re going to need something more substantial. He saw me, Ruby. He’s going to know something’s up.”

“He knows Nicky took off after big fights, sometimes. I really don’t think he’s going to be a problem.”

I didn’t have a lot of faith in her words, but there was nothing I could do at that point. My fate had been decided the moment I came to the resolution that Nick’s death was a good thing. My hands ran over her smooth table, desperate to feel tethered to the Earth. None of it felt real. “Do you really hate me?”

She sat back in her chair and thoughtfully caressed her chest. “I don’t know. My feelings for you have been so mixed up for so long.”

“I wish you hadn’t called me yesterday,” I confessed. “I wish last night never happened. I wish I had said no.”

“But you didn’t.”

I nodded with resignation. “But I didn’t.”

“He was a monster, Presley. More than you know.”

“Still, I wish I was never involved. You shouldn’t have called me.” I thought of Paul. “This guy I’m seeing warned me. Said I needed to let you figure your life out. I should have listened.”

“Yeah,” Ruby agreed with a shaky voice. “There are a lot of things we all should have done. We didn’t, though, and we can’t fix that. So, move on.”

I leaned across the table and asked the question I’d wanted the answer to every since I realized Nick was still around. “Why didn’t you warn me? About Nick? Bruno?”

Ruby couldn’t meet my eyes. “I don’t know. I am sorry about that.”

She was lying, and I’d likely never know why. “Well, it’s like you said. There is a whole lot we all should have done, but we didn’t.”

“This is my best chance, and Aedan’s, too.”

I was sick of being around her, sick of looking into her pale face. I craved the city’s heat and crowd. I wanted to be as far from her as I could be. I swallowed with difficulty and said, “I have to go home.”

She nodded as if she expected me to say that, and in lieu of a goodbye, she waved me off with four words. “Remember what you promised.”

*****

How can I describe the next few days? Ever read a particularly unsettling book, or watch a movie that you can’t get out of your head, and you walk around in a trance for the next few days? That’s what it was like. My world had completely changed. I had changed. As I walked the familiar city streets, voices seemed louder, laughter was mocking, people were pressing closer than ever before. Every beefy man resembled Bruno, and I was certain I heard Nick’s laughter behind me.

Eventually, that became my new normal. I learned how to compensate with the dark thoughts in my head, and the self-preservation instinct buried inside of me kicked in. I forced myself to smile, to pay attention to friends’ conversations, to go out on dates with Paul. Friends that had been concerned gratefully let the issue drop, but Paul was certain something terrible had happened. He stopped asking when I agreed to go on vacation with his family. I felt dirty after I agreed to go, like I was just trying to distract him. Which I was, of course.

We had a nice enough time, and I stayed the hell away from the water. I went through the motions, smiled when it was expected of me, helped clean the dishes after dinner, chased his nieces and nephews on the sand, and spread out beneath Paul on dark, shadowy nights to take mindless pleasure from his hard body.

One night, he studied me in the moonlight. “I think I love you.”

It was everything I wanted to hear. My pulse sped up as I framed his face with my hands and kissed him gently. I wanted to belong to him, but even in that sacred, intimate moment, Nick came to mind. There was a tremendous fear that the kind of closeness and love I wanted to share with Paul would be tainted by what I did one grim and desperate night.

“I love you, too,” I said. I meant it. He was all I ever wanted.

We went into Paul’s bedroom, which overlooked the water. The ocean was louder than usual, and lit up by a full moon. He brushed my hair over my shoulder and kissed the nape of my neck.

“It’s just saltwater, Presley. It can’t hurt you.”

“You can’t save me from my irrational fears, at least not today.” I thought of all of the secrets the ocean held and shuddered.

His hand ran over my hip. “Maybe not, but I can make you forget about them.”

He undressed me, then took his own clothes off. He guided me toward the bed, and my view of the ocean was thankfully gone. He climbed on top of me, his hard cock dragging up my thigh, and kissed me. His lips were soft and insistent, and he was right: I soon forgot all about the ocean and its threat to me. We kissed for what seemed like hours, until his hand moved between us and touched my pussy. He moaned when he felt how wet I was. He used his fingertips to spread my wetness over my sensitive lips and clit, then lifted those same fingers to my mouth. I opened obediently and sucked. When his cock nudged against my drenched opening, my legs spread wider and I gasped.

Then Paul was inside me. His hypnotic eyes caught my gaze and I didn’t dare look away. He rocked into me with a consistent pace while his hand pinched my nipples. His movements became more forceful, and he pounded me so hard that I knew I would be sore the next day. It didn’t matter. I wrapped my legs and arms around him and let him thrust roughly, over and over again. My hands reached down to clutch his ass, feeling it flex and release over and over. He began shuddering and I knew he was close. His hand dropped down between us and he rubbed my clit.

“Please,” he moaned in a breathy voice. “I need to feel you. Open up to me.”

His mouth went to my throat and sucked. Suddenly, I was tightening around him, coming with hardly any warning. He had to cover my mouth so that his family wouldn’t hear. He kissed me to muffle both of us as he came, hot and desperate inside me.

He kept kissing and touching me, after, examining and loving every inch of me. I felt more relaxed than I’d felt in ages and I let myself enjoy it. Eventually, he fell asleep. I delighted in the intimacy and comfort of his light snores, but I couldn’t sleep. It wasn’t long before Nick came back to mind.

I told myself not to do it, but I found myself peering out of Paul’s bedroom window, watching for all different kinds of phantoms and monsters. I couldn’t make out the sight of the waves, but I could hear them. The sound of them grew louder, and to my ears, more mocking. Clouds swept by the moon and cleared up its light. It shone down on the water, and I squinted as I saw something wading through it. Was that… Nick?

Paul’s arms went around me and I jumped. “Shh. You’re okay. It’s just me.” He felt me shivering and turned me around to look at me. “What has you so scared?”

“I just had a bad dream,” I lied.

“Want to talk about it?”

I studied his features in the minimal light. I wanted to tell him all about it, so badly, but I couldn’t. He wouldn’t understand, and I had promised not to tell. I glanced over my shoulder to see if the figure was still standing there, but there was only black water and a few spots of white where the moonlight touched it.

“Let’s go back to bed.” I pushed him back and distracted him with my hands, eager to take away the curious and alarmed expression on his face.

When I took him in my mouth and heard his throaty moan, I knew I was successful. I sucked him hard, pausing only to run the flat of my tongue over the sticky head. I poured my heart and soul into the blowjob, urgent to show him, without words, how much I loved and needed him. I wanted to forget everything except the way he tasted, the sounds he made, the feeling of his hard cock pushing in and out of my mouth and how it felt to know I was pleasing him. I was so focused on my mission that the only thought in my mind was to drive him crazy. Eventually, he put a shaking hand in my hair and tugged my head down, closer to him. He was going to come, he said in a velvety groan. He came in my mouth in three powerful spills. It amused me that he could taste so much like the sea, and I loved it, anyway. I swallowed eagerly and kissed the tip of his cock when I was done. He thanked me and tried to lower his head between my legs, but I claimed exhaustion. This was about him, about showing how much I loved and appreciated him.

When he was once again asleep, I stood to look at the water one more time. There was nothing to see, but that didn’t comfort me. I pulled the heavy curtain over, as if to hide us, and joined Paul in bed.

And waited.

*****

The police never called me, and as far as I knew, everyone took it at face value that Nick had abandoned his family to seek his own desires. We were free from suspicion, free from answering for what we did.

It was all behind us, or at least it appeared to be on the surface.

A month after the incident, I started seeing Nick. I’d never really stopped seeing him since he sank into the ocean, but that had just been in my dreams. Now, he was everywhere: on the subway, at the library, outside the corner store, by Paul’s apartment building. He would materialize from nothing and watch me, his lips slanted in what might have been a smile. His eyes bore into mine, and I couldn’t name whatever intense and evil emotions were swimming in their bottomless blue. Every time I saw him, I squeezed my eyes shut like a little girl and prayed that the monster would disappear. When my eyes opened, he was gone, but I wasn’t comforted by his absence. I started to believe he was really there. I became certain I was losing my mind.

I called Ruby. She didn’t answer. I texted her that I wanted to see Aedan, but she ignored me. I grew worried, so I drove out to the beach house. Paul intended on coming, but I talked him out of it. Even though we had reached the I-love-you level, I wasn’t ready to let him see how fucked up my family was.

When I finally got there, the house gave off the impression of being empty, but I knew better.

They were on the beach. Ruby was stretched out on a towel, Aedan was too far out into the water, and Bruno was on a beach chair, smoking a cigar. He saw me first. Something ugly blossomed across his face.

Aedan saw me, and he thankfully came running out of the ocean. I nearly fell from the force of his hug. Ruby raced over to me.

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

“You wouldn’t answer my calls or my texts.”

“So?”

I ran my fingers through Aedan’s hair and reassured myself he was okay. “I was worried.”

I didn’t like the fact that Bruno stood and was looming closer.

“Aedan, go play, okay?” Aedan lingered, and Ruby gave him a little push. “Now!”

Once he was out of earshot, she spun on me. “What are you thinking coming here?”

“I doubt it looks unusual that I’m visiting my sister and nephew, Ruby.”

She snorted. “You’re really an idiot.”

“What is Bruno doing here?”

She pretended like she didn’t hear the question. Her hand shielded her eyes from the sun as she scrutinized the sparkling water. “Do you know that the police barely cared? One cop showed up to take my missing person’s report and that was that. I called a few times after, pretended to be worried.”

I grabbed her arm. “Answer the question.”

She ripped herself from my hold and glared at me. “I don’t have to answer to you.”

Ugly rage bubbled in my chest. “What is a monster like that doing here?”

She sighed and wiped sand off her thighs. “You don’t understand.”

“Good! I don’t want to understand why that vile piece of shit is around my nephew. After what I did to protect him. Protect you.”

“You have no idea what you’re talking about.” Bruno reached her and wrapped a gigantic arm around her waist. She melted into his touch. “You really should go home. We’re heading out soon.”

The fury rising inside of me was threatening to “Ruby, I swear to God…”

“Just go.”

She stalked off, but Bruno remained. “Was wondering when I’d see you again.”

A warm breeze whipped across my face. “If you hurt Aedan, you’ll be sorry.”

He took a big step forward. I stumbled backwards in the sand, nearly losing my footing. “Like Nick?” His horrible mouth twisted into a grin when he saw my expression. “I don’t really think you’re in the position to be issuing threats, little lady. But don’t worry. I won’t say anything.”

“Because you’re such a gentleman?”

“Because both you and your sister have something I want.” His hand ran down my arm with a fleeting touch. He seemed to be pleased when I shook. “I have big plans for you.”

He turned slowly and returned to my sister. I heaved in a deep breath and took the opportunity to run.

*****

I didn’t feel safe in the city that night. I couldn’t explain why. I didn’t honestly think Bruno would come looking for me, but I still felt a nasty presence lurking in the shadows. I didn’t want to drag Paul into it, so I decided to stay at Mom’s place.

Mom’s house looked like it had given up in the heat. A few of the shutters were hanging off of the windows; a ladder was inexplicably leaning against the front of the place. The siding was peeling off and the grass was overgrown. Mom was outside, needlessly pulling weeds out of her abandoned garden.

She stood as I approached and pushed her long gray hair back from her face. “It only dawned on me when you called to say you were coming that I let the place go a bit. I didn’t want you to…” Whatever she was going to say died before it reached her lips. She wiped her dirty hands on her jeans and nodded at the house. “Needs some work. Ruby said she was going to send Nick over one day to fix the shutters, but he never came. Not that I’m surprised.”

“You look tired, Mom,” I said. It was something I always said to her, because it was true and I worried about her, but I also wanted to move the conversation away from my brother-in-law.

Mom shrugged and made her way to the house. I followed. We entered the hot house and I smelled her divine cooking. Five dogs stormed towards us, barking and licking and panting.

“Okay, come on, you fuckers,” she ordered with a smile. “Get inside. Come on. Let’s go.”

She pulled out two wineglasses and poured us a drink from a bottle of red. I was shocked that she had two clean glasses, but I kept my remarks to myself.

“I’m making curry. Cool?”

“Cool.” I flipped through some of the mail on her table, more out of habit than anything else. I noticed a few bright red envelopes and averted my eyes. “Maybe I can help you with the shutters tomorrow.”

Mom’s worn face attempted a smile. “That’s okay. I like the lived-in look, anyway.” She sipped her wine and gave me the Mom look. “So why are you hiding out here? What happened?”

“Nothing. I just wanted to see you.”

This time, her attempt at a smile was successful. “Bullshit. What’s going on? Is it that new boyfriend you were telling me about? Or is it Ruby? She hasn’t been answering my calls.”

I didn’t know what to say to that, so I stayed silent. Mom was always a little oblivious, but she wasn’t stupid. She came over to me and pat my hair. “Oh, dear. Dear, dear. What is it now?”

“I can’t tell you. I’m sorry, Mom.” I broke down sobbing. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do this.”

Mom stroked my hair. “That’s okay. You don’t have to tell me. I can only imagine what your sister has involved you in now.”

“It’s worse than you can imagine.”

Mom regarded me closely. “Maybe you better tell me.”

“It’s awful.” I swallowed and tried to calm down. “I really can’t. I just needed to be here, to try to feel safe.”

Mom kissed my cheek. “Okay. I can do that for you. We’ll eat curry and have some laughs, okay?”

And we did. Mom told me funny stories about her new job at the boutique that just opened up in town. It encouraged me that she had an actual job, and I quickly pushed the thought of red envelopes out of my mind. She opened another bottle of wine and laughed as she told me gossip about people we knew. I told her about Paul and how crazy I was for him. I even told her about how I’d gone to the Jersey shore with him. She’d raised her eyebrows at that one and murmured, “Must be love.” I felt content. Safe.

She walked with me to the spare bedroom and pat my hair as she kissed me goodnight. I smiled at her and got under the covers. Just before she left, she lingered at the door.

“Have you heard from Daddy lately, honey?”

I stared at her, but I couldn’t really see her in the darkness. “No, I haven’t.”

I felt more than heard her sigh. “Okay. Goodnight, Presley. See you in the morning.”

I was too sad to reply.

*****

I sat up in the bed, covered in sweat. I felt for my phone to check the time: 3:50 in the morning. The wine had made me thirsty and I was dying in the heat. Mom didn’t have air conditioning, of course, and the weak fan in the room hardly offered any comfort.

I stood and shakily made my way to the door. Then I heard something outside. A door slamming, I thought.

My view out of the window was partially obstructed by the old screen protecting it, but I could make out a figure standing beneath the streetlight when I pulled the curtain away. The figure waved at me and I flinched backwards. It was Nick. I was positive.

I didn’t realize I was screaming until Mom rushed in with the dogs. “What’s going on?”

“Nick. He’s outside.”

“What?” She spun on her heel and the dogs followed.

“Mom, don’t go out there!” But she didn’t listen. I ran after her, clutching my cellphone.

She stood in front of my car with her arms crossed, muttering curses under her breath. The dogs ran in confused circles, alternately barking and whining. I caught up with her and saw that a single word was painted on the side of my car.

Murderer.

“Stupid kids in this neighborhood. They do shit like this constantly.” She rubbed my back. “You know I don’t believe in punishments but I kind of wish their parents would smack them around a little.”

“He was here.”

“Who?”

I licked my lips and tried not to pass out. “Nick. He was here. I saw him.”

“What the hell would he be doing here?”

I frantically whipped my head around, terrified he’d come running from the shadows to get his revenge. “Let’s go back inside. It’s not safe.”

Mom thankfully understood something was amiss and went back inside with me. She locked the door, then stared at me. “I think you better explain.”

It came out of me more easily than I thought it would. Mom listened patiently, never interrupting or reacting.

When I finished, Mom thudded back against the door and shook her head. “Well, I wasn’t expecting that.”

“I thought for sure he was dead. Maybe this is in my head? Maybe I was sleepwalking and went outside and did that myself. Who knows? That’s the scary thing, Mom. I’m losing myself.”

Mom hugged me. “It’s not in your head, and you didn’t write that. I don’t know who did, but you didn’t. This is real.”