Road Trip Pt. 03

Kim continued, "Last, you worry about your fading grief and you feel guilty about it. Let me ask you, what do you want your grief and memories to look like a year from now?"

I stammered, "I don't know ... less grief or none, but that I haven't forgotten Karen and our good times together."

Kim said softly, "I didn't know Mindy - Ron's wife before she died. I know he thinks of her every day, sometime a lot. I know he sometimes measures something I do by her yardstick. I can't change that, but I love Ron, and that makes it OK. He doesn't lord it over me, thank heavens. He never even mentions her, but I know. You will always remember Karen, and little things will happen to remind you of her a thousand times a day for a long time - maybe forever. For certain, when you're not thinking of her, you don't have to feel guilty. Your grief is supposed to fade unless you go out of your way to hang onto it. Life makes it that way; you don't want to carry the grief you felt right after she died for the rest of your life. Put her death in perspective and move on. Live! I'd bet she told you that before she died."

"She did."

"So, move on. You are moving on. Look at all the new friendships you've built just this far in your trip - people that love you and that you care for deeply. People I know that you care about. That's not bad, that's wonderful. Allow them to flourish. It's reason to celebrate not feel guilty."

Tears came to my eyes, "But some days it's so hard." I choked out the last words.

"Sure, but it'll get easier as the weeks go by, as you meet interesting people and do things that divert your attention from the tragedy of Karen's death at so young an age. When you have one of those 'downer' thoughts about her death, could you do me a favor?"

"What?"

"Think of something good that you shared with Karen: something she did, a personality trait that you particularly liked, or things the two of you did together that were fun and that made you both happy. Please don't go back into the shadows about other stuff you could wallow in. Let that rest with Karen."

* * * * *

We walked a half-mile before either of us said anything again. Kim and I had our arms around each other, and she held me tightly to her side. She was sending me messages of love and support.

Eventually, I said, "You ready for the next crack in my egg?"

Kim nodded.

"This concerns Anna. I don't know how to say this any other way, but for a long time I've had incestuous thoughts about her. I'm just realizing how strong some of them have been, and even how close we've come to that boundary a few times. She's done some things and said a few things that make me think she's like-minded ... but then, I'm not sure. I do love her. I'm sure I could love her physically as well. I also find myself evaluating my new relationships and behaviors also in terms of 'What would Anna think?' just the way I've been doing with Karen."

Kim chuckled. "You're talking about incest with someone who has an incestuous relationship with her sister, and whose husband has too - plus I've been with the others in the Circle in their presence. You know June and I have a loving physical relationship, so I don't know whether my suggestions in this area will be unbiased."

She looked up at me, "My take is that you are both consenting adults, and far beyond your teenage years where you might do things to satisfy your curiosity or in some daring experiment. If you find love in each other's arms, I'd say go for it. I don't think I'd have children together, I think there are worries there. You need to sit with her and level with her about your feelings. Even if she's not of a like mind, she'll still love you for being open; I promise. It'll bring the two of you closer together."

"As for 'What Anna thinks?' I wouldn't worry about it. She won't withdraw her love because you misbehave according to some yardstick she has. She might think some of your preferences and actions weird or kinky, she might tell you or not, but again, keep an avenue of communication open with her so you can talk about this kind of stuff if she's willing. You might be in danger of learning something about yourself ... and about her. I think it's sweet that you feel this way about Anna. It makes me love you more that you even consider the option. I support the two of you getting together. And, oh, you told me you sent racy emails to Lauren, Crystal, and Ellen; well start sharing them with Anna and see where it leads. If she doesn't like them, she'll let you know - and I want on that explicit details email list too! I'm as horny right now as all of them put together and I love you heaps."

Kim's last comment surprised me. She even gave me a little squeeze to reinforce her comment.

Kim laughed at her taunt and said, "Next area?"

I thoughtfully said, "OK, next. I think I fall in love too easily; I worry I'm just bouncing around in some kind of rebound situation after Karen's death and my marriage ended. I mean I saw Lauren and felt all gooey about her right away - and the feeling was mutual; then I did the same with your sister and you; not so much with the others in the Circle, or Betty Sue, Lacie, Lindy, and Pat, but now I'm all gushing and palpitating about Crystal and Ellen, and then Summer, and even some of the women I met in Michigan. I don't know whether I'm unbelievably fickle or a man-slut or what. Moreover, I hate to leave almost every one of them, yet I feel driven to complete this trip. Aaaargh!" I threw my hands up in the air in a gesture of frustration.

Kim laughed and pulled me back to her side, "You are a beautiful sensitive man who empathizes with other people, particularly women. Of course, you hate to stir up emotions and then leave the scene, but let's go back little. For whatever reason, you came out of your marriage with an inferiority complex - low self-worth. When a woman finds you 'worthy' you perk up. Come around to the point of view that 'You are worthy,' and start your thinking from that premise. Personally, I'm glad you fell in love with me. You are a bright light in my life, second only to my husband. I think a lot about you every day, and I know you think about me. I love that."

I said, "I do love you, but I'm not sure what thinking I'm worthy does for me?"

"Well, try this, love is hard to find, but amazingly you keep finding it or it keeps finding you. For you, love is easy to find. A billion people would trade places with you in a flash, and I can introduce you to a couple of hundred of them that I know personally. As for loving and leaving them, you have a model about relationships that whispers in your ear that relationships have to last a long time - surely more than a few days or nights or a one-night stand. Where'd you get that model from?"

I shrugged.

Kim probed, "Do all relationships have to last a long time?"

"No." I thought of how my relationship with Karen was supposed to last forever, but it ended after such a short period of time.

Kim went on, "Then, meeting an interesting woman, spending a little time with her, and then continuing with your life without her is OK. She may have a different model or rule about relationships, but that's why people 'talk' in the early part of their pairing - to make sure they're on the same page."

After digesting that, I said, "I guess. It just feels funny, and I don't want to hurt any of the women. I don't want them to feel that I'm deserting them."

Kim said, "It's 'funny' because someone 'programmed' you to think that if you found someone you liked that you had to stay with them for a long time, maybe even forever." She said with a chuckle, "As for your fickle-man-slut comment, the same kind of thinking applies. I'm guessing you have a little voice in your head that is telling you that it's not all right to make love to many women in a short period of time."

"Hmmmm. I think you're right."

"So, where'd that rule come from? Is it true for everyone?"

"I guess it came from society in some way, and it's not true for everyone."

Kim chuckled, "Of course, there's a double standard for men and women about this, because if a guy does what you've done he's a stud; if a woman did it she's a slut. What about adopting a new rule that says, 'Consenting adults have the right to do whatever they want to do about sex'?"

I laughed, "I guess there'd be a lot of people having sex right on that lawn right over there." I gestured to where several dozen couples were spread out in different areas of the park having picnics or just basking in the sun together.

I thought for a minute and said, "I had trouble getting into the threesome with you and Ron, but not as much yesterday with that couple north of here. Then there was Lacie and Lindy, and then Crystal, Ellen, and even Lauren when the four of us had sex together."

Kim responded, "Somewhere you picked up a rule that a sexual union has to be between two people - a man and a woman. Does it? It seems to me you're getting past that rule."

"No, apparently not."

Kim said, "So we're back to our new rule: 'Consenting adults have the right to do whatever they want to do about sex.' I like that rule better than the others."

I sought confirmation, "So, bisexual threesomes, foursomes, and orgies would be all right with you per that rule?"

"So long as everyone agrees and is of legal age." Kim grinned at me. "Some of those combinations sound like fun. Maybe we should try them." She poked me in the ribs.

As an afterthought Kim added, "Jim, allow yourself to have fun with your sexuality. Be open to experimentation or at least considering some of these things. I'm not advocating anything other than open-mindedness. Everyone has different boundaries; I just want to see you set them consciously rather than see you buy into some idea or rule that someone else planted in your head. Most of those rules are untruths, but we treat them as sacred and unbreakable rules. When we do that we become victims of some virus of the mind that someone else put there. Go to your boundaries consciously, look at what's beyond them, explore, test, experiment, think, and then make a conscious decision."

I felt like I'd been talking to the wisest guru on the planet. I said to Kim, "You are amazing. How'd you get to be so smart and so full of wisdom?"

Kim smiled graciously, "A good set of parents I hope you'll get to meet someday. They didn't buy into things just because somebody told them they had to, and they taught June and me to think and challenge - critical thinking. I run my business this way: think, challenge, experiment, explore. The people I work with love the approach, and so far it seems to be working there too."

"What do your parents think about June and the Circle?"

Kim said, "Oh, they support her a hundred percent, because they know she went into it with her eyes open, with clear thinking about the situation, and with a view on the options. Think of the rules that June disobeyed by helping create the Circle: you can only love one person at a time, monogamous marriage, only the two parents raise a child, sex outside marriage is a sin, the definition of family unit, never enjoy physical love with your sister or brother in law, and many others. They're all artificial rules someone made up to impose on someone else. You can break them if you wish. Sure, there may be consequences, but that's what critical analysis is all about - analyzing the situation before you make the decision.

Kim asked, "You said Crystal knew about us getting together. What'd she think about us?"

"She encouraged me. She was happy that we could see each other because she knows how important you are to me."

"Was that what you expected?"

"No, I expected her to get mad ... maybe not see me again."

Kim said, "So you expected to find a boundary there, but didn't. You expected she'd exercise the infamous 'Monogamous Dating Rule,' but clearly she doesn't buy into that rule or doesn't care about it. Instead, she's happy to see you be happy. That's a much better situation."

I asked, "How do you know where to look for a boundary or rule?"

Kim said, "When you find yourself in some situation saying it's too difficult or risky or time-consuming or lonely, or when you feel you don't deserve something, or you're too busy or scared to proceed, or when you feel you can't do something you want to do - that you could do, but just have a feeling you shouldn't."

We were silent again for a while. I gave Kim an appreciative smile and said, "You really are an awesome mentor."

"Well you better take me back to our hotel room so I can mentor you some more on that big bed." Kim gave me a lecherous grin that indicated we'd walked and talked enough, and it was time to make love.

* * * * *

Sunday afternoon, Kim and I lay on the luxurious carpeting of the suite we were in, basking in the sunlight pouring in the windows that overlooked Lake Michigan. With laughter, we had disobeyed the rule that states that sex must be conducted in bed. We'd made love on every piece of furniture in the suite. The warm fuzzy feeling of afterglow surrounded the two of us and the room wreaked of sex - really good loving sex.

I mumbled, "Wow! It keeps getting better and better. You keep making it better and better."

Kim whispered, "That's because we fall deeper and deeper in love." She leaned in and kissed me again; "And, you're improvising - and I really like that." She giggled, "You're a great student ... and a great lover. You're the best lover I've ever had."

I thought of the implications of her last statement. I laughed, "I should thank Ron for giving you up this weekend. I hope he wasn't too lonely."

Kim smiled, "Oh, he wasn't lonely. He has Barbara with him."

"Barbara?"

"Yes. She's a congressional aide to one of the senators that support solar technology. She's very nice. I've met her a few times."

"Do the two of you ...?"

Kim chortled, "No, just Barbara and Ron. I just never felt the right chemistry with her to suggest we go any further than polite social contact. Ron and she clicked; we didn't. Different strokes for different folks."

"Does she know she has your 'permission,' so to speak?"

"Ron told her I knew about their relationship. He said it took her by surprise, but she's a smart woman and has seen other unusual marital arrangements; so, she adapted. I've seen her a couple of times since, and she's been gracious and warm to me and the overall situation, even warmer than when she thought I didn't know."

I said, "That situation breaks a few more rules doesn't it?"

Kim nodded.

I speculated, "I wonder what you'd think about Crystal and Ellen, or some of the other women I've met - whether you'd find them attractive in a bisexual way. I'm realizing I get turned on thinking about those situations ... particularly if I'm involved."

Kim stroked my chest, "For me, it's the chemistry. I think I can tell in the first thirty seconds, and I bet whomever it is can too. Affection and words have to follow as well. I'm open to whatever comes."

Kim thought a minute and said, "I'd really like to meet Crystal and the others important in your life - Ellen, Lauren, and Anna, for instance." She smiled and pushed her lithe body against mine, "Who knows where it might lead. Because I feel such a strong bond with you, I'd wager our chemistry would be quite nice, and we could make fireworks together. But, just so you know, I'm not evaluating every woman I meet or see on the basis of whether I want to make love to her or not."

I retorted, "Oh, I didn't think of you that way! Pat told me I had pheromones that sent her signals I was desirable and lovable; she reacted to me accordingly. Somewhere, I also read about 'auras' that people have - the atmosphere around each of us that can wordlessly communicate everything about us - in those first thirty seconds, or maybe earlier. Some people think they extend quite a distance from each person - a hundred feet or more."

Kim speculated, "So, two people's auras rub together, and they know the chemistry is there or it isn't?"

"That's the idea. They signal the other person that they're available, willing, lovable, and lots more about themselves, even things they may not want them to know."

Kim surmised, "Maybe that's why I knew you had a whole lot going on inside you that you needed to talk about this weekend. I sensed that in your aura."

I said, "Probably. What else do you sense?"

Kim reached down to my flaccid cock, surrounded the flesh with her hand in an erotic way, and said in a sexy voice, "Well, I sense ... that we should rub our auras together again, Lover."

"And so we did."

Chapter 14

Illinois

I watched Kim's Cessna Citation soar into the sky with Kim behind the controls, the jet's wheels folding into the wings and belly just after liftoff. Kim had given me a lot to think about, really new ways to think about the world. The whole idea of 'rules' that artificially became 'facts' and 'shoulds' about how we had to behave or about how the world worked made me realize how imprinted I'd been growing up with the beliefs of my parents, teachers, ministers, and my surrounding culture. I'd just accepted them all as fact, truth, the only way, and the one right way. Kim told me they were 'memes' - ideas planted in my head from another head.

I thought of the rules or memes around someone dying who's dear to you. We're taught to grieve, experience pain, take a long time to recover, dispose of the body one way or another, do some kind of memorial service, deal with friends or relatives and their sympathies, and on and on. If we get any of it 'wrong' in some way - violate the meme or rule - we feel guilt and remorse, and friends or relatives will let us know we stepped outside some boundary.

As I rode from the Milwaukee airport to O'Hare International, I chuckled: what if the family gathered around the dying person in the hospital, they died, and the family just walked away after the person died - no one claimed the body, no last rites, no services, no visitations, or anything; everybody just goes back to whatever they were doing before the person got sick? There'd be no coffins, hearses, services, visitations, cemeteries, or religious mumbo-jumbo. Just a short 'goodbye while the loved one was alive and their goodbyes could matter.'

With Anna's help, I'd done everything I'd been 'taught' when Karen died. In the end, it didn't make any difference. She was gone, the pain persisted, and overtime my mind would cover the pain with scar tissue and it would slowly ebb - just like the pain from my bullet wounds.

So, as I rode to Chicago, I thought about the rules I was breaking on this day. I'd just left one girlfriend I loved dearly to immediately see another I felt the same way about. Both women knew about the other, and encouraged the alternate romance besides the one I had with them. Girlfriend #1 was married ... and had her husband's blessing to spend romantic and sexual time and emotional energy on me; he also had a dear friend he had a sexual and emotional interest in. Girlfriend #2 was bisexual (so was Girlfriend #1), and had really liked the sexual fun we had with (a) her sister, and (b) my sister-in-law; she'd also described herself as 'modestly experienced' with men, a term she laughingly told me sounded considerably better than 'slut.' Those were a few broken rules I could be thankful for.

Crystal got away earlier than expected, so I found her waiting for me when I got to the sprawling airport, and found my way to the right curbside location. After using a dozen bungee cords, we got her two duffle bags strapped to the motorcycle, and then she sat happily behind me on my motorcycle hugging me in a way that let me know that she loved me more than anything in the world. I'd been hoping no one would identify us as celebrities, but that idea evaporated when a few paparazzi spotted us at O'Hare and attempted to chase us on foot as we pulled away from the curbside. Crystal laughed gaily at having frustrated them. She waved back at them.