Robin Hood with a Pussy

Jeff Dawson never figured out why his wife of two years went "postal;" actually it was more like "bank berserk" but that term was coined just to describe her activities, so when it started happening the only name he could come up with was "postal." From Jeff's perspective - maybe one a neutral observer might find flawed - he thought he had a decent marriage. What an unlikely woman, he thought, to do what she was doing. Maybe he just didn't know her as well as he thought.

Kate sure seemed sweet when he married her after only a three month courtship. Blond, beautiful, sexy, the looks she gave him with those gray eyes were intoxicating, and the way she moved her perfect pelvis would make a dead man "rise." He knew that she had a conceal-carry permit for her 9mm Sig Sauer P229 but had never seen her use it and she never spoke about it - she just said that she needed it to feel safe when working late nights at the office.

Maybe it was her empathetic side that led her into her life of "crime," maybe she just liked the thrills, or maybe it was rebellion against authority; or worse yet for Jeff maybe it was rebellion against him since he was himself a banker. Whatever it was Jeff lost many nights sleep over it.

Jeff thought back upon Kate's negative reaction to a spate of articles in the local paper about fraudulent bank practices, and how she was highly critical of bank management for perpetrating the frauds, and of the Government for not doing more about it.

He remembered how distraught Kate was when a friend of hers named Cindy was about to lose her house to a foreclosure. She begged Jeff to do something about it because the bank had duped Cindy into making commitments there was no way that she could keep, but he said there was nothing that he could do to help.

Within days of Kate's request for Jeff to do something about Cindy's situation a gun toting blond who authorities nicknamed the "Barbie Bandit" had robbed a branch of the bank Jeff worked for, the same bank that owned Cindy's mortgage. Although Jeff couldn't be sure it was Kate he found it curious that the gun that the robber used that was displayed on every T V screen in ten local counties looked like Kate's Sig Sauer, and that the flowing blond hair sticking out under her Dick Cheney mask was a dead ringer for hers too. Jeff also thought it interesting that Cindy suddenly came up with the money to prevent foreclosure shortly after the robbery.

Jeff never mentioned his suspicions to anyone until after the third "Barbie Bandit" robbery; then he confronted Kate.

"Kate, have you heard about what they're calling the 'Barbie Bandit' robberies?"

"Not much, why?"

"Have you noticed that she has the same type of gun and the same color hair as you do?"

"Maybe a long lost sister - what's your point?"

"Well, I know how upset you've become about bank practices, and I hope you don't have anything to do with them."

"If I was going to do something about bank practices I'd be more likely to shoot bank managers."

"Look, Kate, I know how sympathetic you are with other people about their problems, but you can't save the world or be Robin Hood. If you have anything to do with these robberies turn yourself in."

"Screw you asshole!" Kate barked clearly angry as she stormed away.

That was the first and last time she ever swore at Jeff. It was the last time because he hadn't seen Kate again since then. She converted her brokerage account to cash, left work telling them she was taking an extended sabbatical and to fire her if they didn't like it, and took a few suitcases of clothes and jewelry out of their house while Jeff was at work.

Despite his best efforts to contact her, Jeff came up blank. If friends and relatives knew anything about his wife's whereabouts they weren't saying.

The Barbie Bandit robberies continued, not just in the city where Jeff now lived alone, but in cities within a two hundred mile radius. After several months of the robberies one investigative reporter noticed a trend.

The reporter wrote a newspaper article pointing out that each robbery occurred at a bank which had recently threatened foreclosure for a family with children; the family had gone to a non-profit organization called, quite descriptively, "Family Mortgage Assistance;" and within days of the robbery the family was able to pay enough money to forestall the foreclosure. "Maybe she's Barbie-Hood!" was the concluding sentence of the article

The article also pointed out that one bank was particularly hard hit - the bank Jeff worked for.

The article had a dramatic impact on Jeff. This was too much coincidence for him so he went to the police and laid out his suspicions. They were interested and got the media to publish a photo of Kate as someone the police wanted to talk to about something entirely different hopefully so as not to spook her. The day after the photo was published Jeff got a call from what turned out to be a burner cell.

"Hello, Jeff Dawson."

"You went to the police didn't you?"

"Kate, is that you?"

"No, it's Mother Teresa."

"Kate, we can work this out. Turn yourself in and we'll get a sweetheart deal. I'll work hard to repay the money."

"Why don't you just have your bank steal it from unsuspecting families like it normally does?"

"Kate, I don't know where you got this perverse idea that banks are bad."

"That's laughable. I didn't have anything to do with the robberies, but you won't be seeing me again. File for divorce and send the papers to my sister in London. I'll get them from her and sign them!"

Then the call ended abruptly.

Of course Jeff reported the incident to police but by then police had interviewed all of Kate's relatives (except her sister in London), friends and former co-workers and were wondering if Jeff wasn't just trying to get the woman becoming his ex into trouble. Everyone they talked to said Kate was way too sweet and kind to rob banks and that her taking off may have had more to do with her relationship with Jeff.

The cops might have entirely written Kate off as a suspect except for three things. The first was that they had no leads as to where Kate was from the published photo of her, though Jeff played a recording of the call from Kate showing that she was still alive. The second was that they couldn't confirm Cindy's story of where she got the money to pay off her bank. They could never locate her "rich uncle in Australia" to get corroboration, and found it unlikely that he would express thousands of dollars of cash to Cindy. The third was the investigative reporter's article.

Regardless of whom the Barbie Bandit was the robberies continued and the police grew more desperate. Law enforcement authorities in three states and six cities got together and offered a reward of $1,000,000 for the capture of Kate Dawson, their prime suspect. Once Jeff heard that he knew that every bounty hunter in the country would be looking for her so he became proactive and contacted the bounty hunter with the best reputation for bringing fugitives in alive.

The bounty hunter he contacted went by the nickname "Paladin," a heady nickname indeed since a paladin was an esteemed soldier selected by Charlemagne to defend and protect the innocent and uphold the law. His real name was Blake Break, but no one except his mother and sister called him that.

Paladin was young, big, strong, smart, aggressive, and relentless, and had a cherubic face and demeanor that were disarming; all qualities making him well suited for his line of work. While extremely successful in his four years since playing football in college he was never unnecessarily violent, never killed a fugitive, and in the criminal community the word was that if you have to be caught you better hope that it's him rather than some of the other thugs masquerading as law enforcers.

Paladin had a well-known policy of not going after women; he had a soft side when it came to the fairer sex. He had never met the right type of woman in his life, and seemed to go from one relationship to the next where he was taken advantage of because it was hard for him to refuse women anything and he was entirely too chivalrous in dealing with them. Jeff intended to use these qualities to his advantage when he met with Paladin.

"Paladin, I've heard lots of good things about you, including that your success rate is over 90%."

"94.5% to be exact."

"Great. Listen, I'm sure that you've heard of the 'Barbie Bandit.'"

"You mean Barbie-Hood?"

"That's what some people call her, but she is an armed robber. Anyway I strongly suspect that she's my wife, Kate Dawson. I'm sure that you are aware that there is a one million dollar reward for her capture. While she seems to despise me now for reasons that I don't understand, I don't want to see her hurt. Now that the reward for her is a million bucks I'm afraid some low-life will find her and harm her before turning her in."

"Sorry, Jeff, I don't hunt down women."

"Look, I know that is your normal policy. However, in this case, you'd be saving her from a worse fate by bringing her in your normal gentle manner. You'd be acting like your nickname."

"Say what?"

"Certainly you know that the paladins invented chivalry before knights came on the scene; and you would be chivalrous by brining my wife Kate in. Here's a photo of her."

After a long pause, including staring at the photo of the beautiful blond with a slinky body and beguiling smile, placing his hand on top of his head Paladin replied "I've never looked at it like that."

"As a bonus, I'll give you another $100,000 when you bring her in."

After another long pause staring at the photo some more Paladin smiled, stood up, held out his right hand and said "You've got a deal. Have your attorney draft a contract by tomorrow indicating that the $100,000 will be paid by cashier's check the day she's turned over to the police."

"Will do," Jeff replied, returning Paladin's smile and shaking his hand.

Paladin, using some computer whizzes at the local technology college that he often employed, found out more about Kate in one day than the police had in their investigation and that Jeff had told him. Especially interesting were her volunteer activities in college and the article in the newspaper that coined the term "Barbie-Hood," and an interview with the author of the article.

With expertly forged documents Paladin, with a "rented" wife and kids, went to the Family Mortgage Assistance branch in a city about 200 miles away from the city where the reward would be paid and where a number of robberies had taken place recently. Paladin told a tale of woe. The bank which held his fake mortgage was a local single branch one called "Presidential Community Bank," that had never been hit by Barbie-Hood before, and which was actually one of the more honest establishments though from the fake documents that Paladin had with him they looked like the worst scoundrels of all. The counselor was very sympathetic and encouraging.

"Mr. Jones I'm so sorry for you and your darling family. We have what we call an 'angel' that can often help in cases like this. However I know she won't help unless you agree to keep secret the source of your funds to pay off the bank."

"Honey, can you take the kids and bring them to the lobby?" Paladin sweetly asked his fake wife. Once she was gone he put his hand on the counselor's and said "Ms. Phillips, I assure you that I can and will keep any secret there is if I can save my family."

"Great. If we are able to help we will give you a check from someone out-of-town that you will have to swear you know from your past. We'll provide you with complete information about your background with him or her. You will have to stick to that scenario no matter what, but we'll provide you with legal assistance if necessary."

"Thank you so much Ms. Phillips. I won't tell even my wife about this. When can I hear from you?"

"If it works out, within a few days."

Starting the next day Paladin staked out Presidential Community Bank. Nothing happened for two days - two boring days. Early morning of the third day, however, he saw a pedestrian with flowing blond hair creep up behind a tree in the parking lot. Parked about thirty feet behind her was a motorcycle that Paladin had not seen pull up but suspected was hers. Through his binoculars the pedestrian sure looked like Kate. When no one was nearby she reached one latex-gloved hand into a bag, pulled out a Dick Cheney mask, put her other latex-gloved hand in her jeans pocket and walked into the bank.

Paladin acted quickly. He drove to a location near the motorcycle, hid behind a tree between the motorcycle and bank, and waited. It wasn't long before he saw a jeans-clad bubble butt bouncing toward the cycle with two bags in one hand and a mask in the other. Before she could start up the cycle Paladin was upon her.

As gently as possible Paladin put his left arm around the startled Kate and lifted her off the cycle just as she was putting her helmet on, and with his right hand reached into her jeans pocket and removed her gun and tossed it to the side. While Kate struggled it was to no avail since Paladin was ten inches taller and a hundred pounds heavier than she was.

"I'm not going to hurt you in any way; I'm just taking you in," was all Paladin said in a gentle voice. Though struggling in a futile attempt to escape Kate didn't scream, yell, or say anything at all as her hands were cuffed behind her back, she was placed in the front passenger's seat of Paladin's car, and her feet were shackled to a floor bar apparently specifically for that purpose. He threw her gun, mask, and second bag onto the floor of the back seat.

"I'll be right back, don't go away," Paladin said as he took the bag with "Presidential Community Bank" stenciled on it, and returned it to the shocked bank manager saying "I found this on the sidewalk outside - it must be yours."

"Thanks," was all the manager could say before Paladin turned and started walking toward the door. Regaining some composure he then called out "Wait, Mister, did you see who dropped this bag?"

"No, all I know is that I found it lying on the sidewalk so I brought it in. Do you want me to take it back?"

"No, no I'm grateful, but could you wait for the police and tell them your story."

"I've got nothing to tell except what I told you, and I'm already late for an appointment," Paladin replied as he hustled out the door.

When Paladin returned to his car he finally got a good up-close look at Kate. While she had looked beautiful in the photo and through the binoculars those views did not provide any indication of how enchanting Barbie-Hood really was! His jaw must have dropped when he got his first real good live look at Kate. He was jolted back to awareness when she sneered "What are you looking at?"

"Uh, sorry," Paladin replied, sure he was turning pink if not crimson. "I was just wondering why you turned to bank robbery."

"Who the hell are you, and what do you care?"

"I'm a bounty hunter. I don't know why I care - maybe I'd like to believe that it was for a good cause, that you really are Barbie-Hood."

"Would it make a difference in what you're going to do, bounty hunter?"

"Probably not; I need to get paid. It might make a difference in timing, however. If you have a good story I might let you get your affairs settled before turning you in."

Paladin was not quite sure why he said that; he had delayed bringing in the "bad guy" only once before. Maybe he was just curious; maybe he would cut her a little slack; maybe he just wanted to be around her for a while.

Kate felt that she had nothing to lose at the present time considering her predicament; and maybe this was a guy she could manipulate. So she told him the whole story.

"When I married Jeff I didn't know exactly what business he was in. I knew he was a banker, but not that his main job was duping people into mortgages they couldn't afford and then swooping down on them when they got in arrears and sometimes even tricking or manipulating them into getting into arrears."

This was something Paladin didn't expect to hear; but he was all ears now.

"He is also a controlling S.O.B., not the easy-going tolerant guy I thought that I was marrying. I started to dislike him even before I found out what his true business was."

"So how did that lead to bank robberies?"

"My best friend Cindy, someone I've known since grade school, was one of the people his bank worked over. I'm not sure he was personally involved but he sure didn't raise a finger to stop it. He kept tight control over our money - including what I made - so thatI didn't have the means to help her, but I wasn't going to let her go down."

"Wasn't there another way?"

"I wrote to a bunch of regulators, went to personally see several lawyers, a State regulator, and a Federal regulator, but no one was interested in helping; however I did get asked out on two dates despite the fact that I was still wearing my wedding ring then. I had grown up in tough circumstances and thought that I had the street smarts to pull off robberies as an alternative to action by the Government."

"Yeah, but when you go into a bank with a gun, it could go off, you could be startled by someone, you could end up shooting an innocent person even if you didn't intend to."

"Check my gun - by the way what's your name?"

"Blake!" Why he answered her with his real name he didn't really know.

"Well, Blake, check my gun."

Paladin reached into the back seat, got her gun, and checked the clip and chamber. "Empty," he exclaimed. "I guess you can't shoot someone without bullets, can you?"

"Exactly!"

"So what did you do with the money?"

"I gave the money from whatever bank I stole from to a family that was being screwed over by that bank, keeping only enough - usually 10% - for expenses."

"How did you identify recipients of your largess?"

"I won't go into that."

"I'm sure that the Family Mortgage Assistance people were helping you, using a ruse with them is how I set you up."

Now it was Kate's turn to blush, and get flustered. "That's not true. You can't tell anyone that. You'll get good - no not good, saintly - people in trouble."

"Settle down. I'm just after the reward, I have no interest whatsoever in getting anyone else in trouble, and I don't reveal my methods to anyone so you're the only person who will ever know I caught you through them."

"Thanks," Kate genuinely replied. "Look, there are some things I need to do including getting the motorcycle back to the person I borrowed it from. Can't you wait until tomorrow to turn me in?"

Paladin replied "I don't know..." although when he saw that she looked even more beautiful with her face flushed, and again perused her spectacular body, he knew that he was going to go along with it. When she uttered a syrupy sweet "Please; I promise not to try and get away," he consented.

"Okay. Let me get an ankle bracelet out of my trunk," Paladin said exiting his vehicle. He returned to the passenger's side lifted up Kate's right pants leg exposing her sleek calf, and put an anklet on it. "This has a tracking device in it. It also has an alarm and an explosive dye pack. If you remove it without a key - something that is very, very difficult to do - the alarm sounds and the dye pack explodes. Got it?" [What Paladin didn't tell her was that the dye had tiny emitters in it that would also allow tracking.]

"Got it. Can you take off my cuffs?"

"Sure," Paladin replied undoing her shackles and cuffs. "Now what do we do with your cycle?"

Paladin and Kate spent the rest of the day returning the cycle, running errands, and winding up Kate's affairs including making arrangements for her furniture and clothing from her modest apartment, located only a few miles from her last bank robbery, to be put into long term storage. They were exceedingly polite to each other, never brought up the elephant-in-the-room subject of her upcoming incarceration, and had a pleasant lunch and dinner together and even some laughs.