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Click hereAfter spreading the crotch part open, she wrote, 'Love Ann Woodland, phone me, and her telephone number'. She surrounded her message with a heart, and then showed the message to the other girls. After another bout of laughing, she leaned down and kissed him once more, placed the g-string inside his t-shirt, and left the room.
Once Culture left, the party in the tent also fizzled out, and an hour later Laura and Taylor were dropped off at home. Taylor placed the small g-string inside a see through plastic bag, and hid it in his drawer with his memorabilia, but not before taking a deep sniff from the soft material. The smell intoxicated him, and he fell asleep after masturbating himself into almost a frenzy. Two rooms away Laura listened to the soft squeaking coming from Taylor's room, and with a satisfied grin, rubbed her clit until she also had an orgasm.
- COMMENTS
Anonymousabout 13 years agoAn interesting story with interesting folks beats good grammar every day. I've been reading long before most of these folk (probably an average of a book a day over a 60+ year lifetime) and I got so caught up in the characters I didn't even notice any trivia. So many can write using correct grammar, how many can interest me in the characters and what they are doing/thinking.
Congratulations, you hooked this reader.
Anonymousabout 13 years agoas others have said, some editing would help, but that's of course difficult if you can't find an editor.. my best suggestion is if you can't, give it a few days after you write it before re-reading it, and read it slowly (or some have told me- out loud) and you'll likely catch more of them.
keep it going though, the story is definitely got a good premise
Lazylonerabout 13 years agoFirst as others have said here and in earlier chapters, you really need an editor. There are too many errors that could have been fixed if someone reviewed the story first.
A good example is the band's name. In this chapter you switch from Grudge to Drudge and back 2-3 times.
You also have verb tense issues more than a few times.
I still think the bigger problem is the overall style. As each chapter comes out I see a bit more description, but its still limited. You need to look through the eyes of your characters more and describe what they are seeing. Give the readers a feel of th e colors and sounds they are seeing. Right now your stories still read a bit like a laundry list due to a lack of description. They are getting a bit better, but you can expand it quite a bit. Since you use Literotica try looking at some of the stories hear that deal with bands. Stultus' Raven's song also has minimal description, but what it does have makes is a strong story. Try looking at that. I'd recommend another song, but its not found at this site.
You odn't have to Stephen King the story, but it shouldn't read like a battle report either.
gravyrugabout 13 years agobut you could use an editor. Switching tenses, misplaced quotation marks, some questionable word usage. Nit-picky stuff, but it really does make a difference.
