Rocky & Bullwinkle

We begin our story in the tiny hamlet of Frostbite Falls, Minnesota USA, population 27, where two of its leading citizens reside; Rocket J. Squirrel and Bullwinkle J. Moose. It looks like they're involved in some intense study. Let's listen in.

"Do you have any tens?"

"Go fish," said Rocky.

Well, it looks like they're more involved in leisure time activities. Unfortunately, a couple of sinister-looking figures are approaching their quaint cabin that is sure to break up this relaxing atmosphere and involve the duo in another harrowing adventure. At least we hope so.

"Who can that be?" said Rocky in answer to the knock at the door.

"I bet you it's those pesky woodpeckers again. Just ignore them."

"Who is it?"

"Natasha Fatale."

"Natasha Fatale who?"

"Natasha Fatale going to injure you if you don't open this door."

"I don't get it," said Bullwinkle.

"Say, don't I know you from somewhere?" said Rocky when he opened the door to the statuesque brunette beauty standing before him.

"Cut the crap," said Natasha. "Of course you know me. I'm Natasha Fatale, Pottsylvanian spy. You two are Moose and Squirrel, my mortal enemies. I always try to kill you every episode. I need your help."

"Don't trust her, Rock," said Bullwinkle. "It's a new episode. She'll try to kill us for sure."

"I won't kill you until after you help. Is deal?"

"What kind of help do you need from your mortal enemies?" said Rocky.

"It's Boris Badenov, the poor darlink. Is terrible tragedy."

"What kind of tragedy?"

"Just look!" She pointed behind her. Standing behind her was a beautiful young lady in a pink dress. She was smiling sweetly and holding a bouquet of wildflowers.

"She's kind of cute, but where's your friend?"

"That's Boris Badenov."

"Hokey Smoke! What happened to her...him...uh whatever?"

"Is long story. Let narrator tell it."

Yes, well it seems Pottsylvanian scientists had developed a new type of ray gun which, when directed at a victim, changed his mind and body chemistry to the opposite of what they once were. The ray gun was tested on mindless Pottsylvanian peasants. The results were thoughtful citizens. Of course, thoughtful citizens begin to ask questions and form independent ideas. They were declared counterrevolutionaries, lined up against a wall and executed by a firing squad. The weapon was deemed a success.

Washington politicians were considered likely targets until someone pointed out they were very much like mindless Pottsylvanian peasants so it was decided to go after America's scientists instead. The first victim was to be that most eminent of researchers, Dr. Albert Bierstein. Boris and Natasha were assigned to do the dirty deed. They tracked Dr. Bierstein to one of his crowded after-hours haunts. Boris took aim at his target but unfortunately (or fortunately for Dr. Bierstein), our villain got confused and shot at the man's image in the mirror behind the bar. The rays reflected back at the shooter and Boris got a full dose of the mysterious rays.

"Hoo boy! I think I'm in trouble."

"Are you all right, darlink?"

"I feel... I feel pretty. I feel pretty. I feel pretty and witty and gay."

Yes, the Boris Badenov we all know and hate had been transformed into a cute little girl with a possible career in Broadway musicals.

"It gets worse," said Natasha. "Not only is she cute but she's nice too. I can't stand it!"

"What do want us to do?" said the plucky squirrel.

"Ray gun got broken but still under warranty. You need to take it to China for repairs. When you return we shoot little girl, get back Boris."

"Why China?"

"Is place of manufacture. Chinese give Pottsylvania deal on lead-based paint. We insist on it for all our products."

"Why don't you do it yourself?"

"Must keep Boris out of trouble. I turn back once and she sign up as Pottsylvanian mail order bride. Has 40 proposals already. Also, if Central Control finds out what happened, we are screwed pigeons."

"I accepted all proposals," said the transformed Boris. "Don't want to hurt anyone's feelings."

Just then there was another knock on the door.

"This is becoming a very popular place," said Bullwinkle and opened the door. "Someone left us a package."

"What's in it?"

"Let's see here. It's just a bomb."

"A bomb? Get rid of it, Bullwinkle!"

"Sure thing, Rock." The mighty moose heaved the bomb out of the cabin just in time to avoid a mighty explosion.

"Whew! That was close," said Rocky. "Say, I thought you weren't going to try to kill us until after we helped you."

"Wasn't me. I swear," said Natasha.

"Hmmm. Then it looks like someone doesn't want Boris turned back into his old self."

"That could include almost everyone, Rocky," Bullwinkle declared in an unusually astute observation.

"You're right, Bullwinkle," said Rocky. "If Boris stays the way she is now, then everything stays peaceful. You have our answer."

"But you don't understand, Squirrel," said Natasha.

"What's not to understand?"

"If Boris stays little girl then nothing bad happens, right?"

"Right!"

"If nothing bad happens then things get boring, right?"

"Right!"

"If things stay boring then audience stops watching, ratings go down, series gets cancelled. We all get fired and are out of work, right?"

"Hokey Smoke! She's right, Bullwinkle. We gotta help!"

"I'm on it, Rock."

"Whatcha doin' digging a hole?"

"I'm digging my way to China."

"Wouldn't it be easier to make airline reservations, Bullwinkle?"

"You know what airline travel is like these days, Rocky."

"Hmm, you're right. I'll get another shovel."

Will our heroes be able to dig their way to China, get the ray gun repaired, transform Boris back into his vile self and revive the series? Or are they just getting themselves in deeper? Also who is this mysterious stranger intent on stopping them? Be with us for our next episode, "Seven Days and Six Knights in Beijing" or "I See Chinks in Their Armor."