Season of the Wolf Pt. 02

Chapter 9

It took a lot of convincing to get Han to leave me in the lobby of my hotel. Somehow, I managed and I'm alone with my thoughts. The open sliding glass door that leads out to my balcony is wide open letting in the rain tinged sea breeze. I'm chilled to the bone and decide a shower sounds better than battling with my thoughts.

My mind is all over the place tonight. If I could just concentrate on a single train of thought instead of jumping from one track to the next, I might be able to sort things into some sensible conclusion. But, it's just that everything I'm trying to process is so painful. The betrayal, the lies, how little I knew about the people I love the most, my uncertain future, and the baby...I don't know what to think about any of it.

I peel off my rain soaked clothing and sink gratefully into a hot bath. The water helps to ease the tension in my muscles, but my mind is still racing. I dread the thought of climbing out of the tub. It'll be freezing in my room, but the contrast between the warmth of the bathroom and the chilly fresh air will help to center me.

My God, I missed Han. I hadn't realized how much until that kiss. I could have invited him up to my room. We could have indulged in one another's bodies and loved the hurt away. He would give me anything within his power to give, even his own body. We could have used each other to escape this mess even if only for a little while. But, that wouldn't be fair to either of us to use the other like that. There's enough unfairness in this damned situation as it is though. And it isn't that I'm incapable. I'm unwilling to add to it.

In that one night together Han unlocked a door and I've been struggling ever since to close it. I never knew how good it felt to be loved so thoroughly. I didn't know I was capable of such raw sensuality or the power that comes along with it. I'm a bitch for even contemplating calling Han for nothing more than another taste of paradise. He isn't a booty call. The man loves me and if it comes right down to it. If I dare to be honest with myself, I love him too.

Love complicates things. If I didn't love him, maybe I could walk away. The baby has ensured that our lives are tied together. I should have thought ahead and used my common sense that night. I didn't have to take the risk of getting pregnant. At the time though everything was so new and overwhelming. I had never been held and touched before. Never felt such pleasure. I let my instincts pull me under. I don't regret it, not loving Han or making a baby with him. I regret the timing. I wish I had taken precautions for no other reason that it would have given me the time to sort everything out before I brought another life into the picture.

Maybe, I should have kept Han at a distance and not let him get under my skin or into my pants until after I had a firm grasp on my new reality. I don't regret that night with Han any more than I regret the baby we made. I understand the theories behind why he lied to me about so many things. I mean, how would you tell someone you're a werewolf and expect not to get locked up in a psych ward? Both he and Christine were right about that. I wouldn't have believed them if it hadn't happened to me first hand.

So much has happened in such a short time. Han. The baby. My family. So many truths and lies stacked upon one another. It's like the layers of an onion. Every time I peel one back. There's another underneath. I don't know if I'll ever get to through them all.

Theories are great. Understanding why the people I trusted the most lied to me almost makes it excusable. They were protecting themselves, their families, and in some twisted way me as well. I truly have little choice except for getting over it and moving on. I know I have to forgive them if I want to continue on in this new strange world I'm suddenly a part of.

I want to cherish the memories I have of my parents. I want to hang on to the good times I've shared with Christine. I don't believe my parents or Christine pretended to care about me out of deceit. There's too much history between us for that. Oh, it's not going to be easy to get past this. A part of me wants to make Christine suffer, just a little, for the part she played. I want her on the edge of her seat squirming. In so many ways seeing her like that would placate my vengeful side. But, that's not who I am and it's not the woman I want to be.

If I want Han in my life, I have to find a way to look beyond the things he did. I need to see him as the man he is and not as the man who lied to me. His love is unconditional and finding a love like that is rare. People turn their backs on each other all the time. I can't walk away from him now. The baby deserves both parents. It's me, if I can handle or if I even want Han's love that I'm not so sure about.

Naked and alone in the tub and not face to face with him. It's easy to be honest. He is right. I am afraid of letting go and loving him. It's not Han that I don't trust as much as it's myself. Having someone love me the way he loves me is a lot of responsibility. I could crush him with an unkind word. It's easier to make excuses. To tell myself that we both deserve the right to know for certain that what we feel for one another is nurture rather than nature. But, it isn't true. I'm terrified of loving him and losing him the way I lost my parents.

Han says he's loved me decades before I was even born. That's a hell of a lot of expectations for me to live up to. I'm twenty-four years old and there isn't really anything special about me.

Han was born in 1820 and I cannot begin to imagine the life he's lived in all that time. He speaks of events I've only read about in history books as if they happened only yesterday instead of decades ago and from his perspective, they did. Han is very modern in his speech and manages to keep up in conversation, but sometimes he slips and uses words, phrases, and terms that I can barely comprehend. Knowing the truth about him I can see why he prefers the country to living in a place like L.A. Tending the livestock and the fields and finding the quiet places deep in the woods reminds him of the life he once lived.

There is one thing beyond our age gap that has me scrabbling for excuses to keep Han at a distance. He said it and he meant it in all honesty. He doesn't know how long our kind lives because none of us have made it to old age. Han doesn't look a day over thirty. Somehow, being what we are slows the aging process to a crawl. He calls it a gift and a curse. To age a day or maybe an hour for every decade that passes. To change so slowly in a world that changes in the blink of an eye. He says sometimes, it's more than a person can endure.

I can see what drives a person to abandon one form for the other. To choose to stay a wolf or a human and turn their backs on the other half of their nature. I understand how after a century or two of living a person would have their fill of life and choose to walk away from it rather than endure another day. It'd be easy to lose your focus and your purpose when all of your days blend into one big blur.

I get the appeal of the wolf over the human parts of our nature. The wolf is about drive and instinct. There are no thoughts beyond those of an animal, no love, no hate, no confusion, nothing but surviving from one day to the next and the simply joy of just being alive and running with the pack.

The magic that makes us what we are ceases when we choose one form over the other. I can see the temptation of living one human lifetime and the comfort that comes with knowing one day it will end.

I worry someday, that Han will make that choice or perhaps, that I will. That love won't be enough to keep us grounded in this dual life we must live. Han is master of his pack. He shoulders the burden of leadership and the awful knowledge that someday someone will challenge him for it. Fights for pack master are brutal and bloody and they are lethal. I worry for him, that when the challenge comes, he won't be strong enough to win.

It seems no matter which scenario I play out in my head. None of them have a happy ending. Someday, I'll lose Han or he'll loose me. Something will separate us. Losing my parents was a crippling blow. One, I'm just now getting over. But, the idea of losing Han, just thinking about it makes me feel as if I'd be losing half of my soul. I don't know if that's something I want to risk. It'd be easier to think of him in love with someone else. To let her shoulder the burdens of all the things I'm not certain that I can. But, I know the die has already been cast. Deep down inside I know the two of us are already bound as one. I just don't want to admit it.

I climb out of the tub and wrap myself up in a thick white towel. The mirror is fogged with steam. I wipe away the moisture with the palm of my hand and take a long look at my reflection. I scarcely recognize myself anymore. I look the same. It's just that the woman I've become is so different than the woman I always thought I was. And I wonder just exactly who she is.

Chapter 10

I need a friend. Just someone I can talk to. I won't turn to Christine or Han. My forgiveness isn't going to come cheap. I thumb through the contacts list on my phone and try to think of someone I can trust. I only have one person that knows everything and that hasn't lied to me yet. Coyote.

I feel no regrets about interrupting Coyote with a call. It's a Monday night and if Coyote is working at the bar. He's probably bored out of his skull. He picks up after the second ring and I can hear the twang of country music playing in the background. The nasally speech of a true Hoosier and the way they can slur an entire sentence into one long word took a little getting used to. I smile as Coyote answers in that causal leisurely drawl of his. "Well," he says. "Look at who finally took the time to give old Coyote a call. How's it going in the big city, Princess?"

Coyote is probably the only male on the planet capable of getting away with calling me princess or any of a dozen other sexist, chauvinistic, degrading nicknames and still have his testicles intact. I chuckle despite myself and take a breath. Coyote is a product of his time so I can excuse the unintentional insults. He's old enough to be my grandfather. But, with his rugged cowboy exterior and his roguish devil may care attitude he's capable of making any woman swoon. "It's going," I answer.

"Just going? Well, that's a start. Tell me, Cupcake, have you happened to bump into a mutual friend of ours?"

"Perhaps," I answer vaguely.

"Wouldn't happen to be a brooding werewolf on the prowl would it?"

I roll my eyes. Coyote is as subtle as a Mack truck. "Yes. Han and I have talked."

"Talked? That's it?"

I envision Coyote smirking at me and shake it off. Reminding myself Coyote is who he is and that's why I called him, I take a deep breath. I needed a friend to talk to and Coyote is the only real friend I've got. Coyote doesn't sugar coat and that's exactly what I need right now to put my world into the proper perspective. "Did you know for certain that there were wolves in L.A.?"

Coyote is drumming his fingertips on the bar in a series of rapid taps. He's thinking about how to answer my question. His delay accurately gives me what I need. He knew or at least had his suspicions. "Why didn't you tell Han about them?"

"Aw Princess," Coyote says mockingly. "What do you think Han would have done if I had? He would have gone after you guns blazing and dragged you back here by your ponytail. Now that he's there. He still might."

"But, you sent me back here. You knew and you sent me back. You didn't tell me a thing." I've interrupted Coyote mid sentence. I'm bristling with rage and having a hard time keeping my anger in check. It'd be so easy for me to take out my battered emotions on Coyote since he's there and I'm here and I don't have to look him in the eye. "You could have warned me. I mean, everyone and everything in my entire life has been a lie. You of all people, I thought you would have told me the truth."

"What'd be the fun in that?" Coyote drawls. His tone is cynical. It grates me and I consider hanging up on him. "I hate it for you, poor baby. You've got a man who loves you. People in your life who love you enough to put their own lives on hold for your sake. You've got more money than God and the literal big house on the hill. You have a virtual immortality at your disposal. Too bad you're going to spend it brooding and questioning everyone's motives.

"You whine and complain about how everyone lied to you. Nobody has lied to you. Withheld the truth, sure, I'll give you that. But lied. Nope. Believe it or not, Sugar Plum, this world...what we are and the secrets we're all bound to are bigger than just you. Our world doesn't revolve around you. The only reason, if I had to guess, why anyone omitted one truth or another from you was because you weren't able to handle it.

"Think about it. What would you have done if your BFF or Han had spilled the beans too soon?" Coyote is right and I have nothing to say. "Yeah, that's what I thought," he says. "You know something. Spend a decade or two in my shoes and then tell me if you've got it so bad. If that doesn't scare the shit out of you, try being in Han's. He was a virgin until you came along. Almost two hundred years of celibacy...all because he was waiting for you. I'd say he's already paid any penance due him for not telling you everything when you think you needed to hear it."

"I..."

"Save it!" Coyote snaps. "You called me because you trust me...need me to put you in check. I'm more than happy to do it. So, here it is. Get over yourself, Sister. The wounded bird in a gilded cage act is a little stale. I get it. You're conflicted. Well, who the hell isn't? We only get one shot at finding our soul mate. You've found yours. Some of us are still waiting. And let me tell you. I'm getting a little tired of jerking off in the shower and sleeping alone in a cold bed."

"But Christine...she's had her share of men."

"Uh huh and how many of them do you know for sure that she's fucked?"

I have to think about that. Christine went through men like Kleenexes before she hooked up with Rod. I just assumed she was having sex with them. I never thought she was bound by any sort of code of nature and didn't have control of her own body. "What about Han? What if I decide I don't want this life?"

"Well then, he's screwed and not in a good way. When we mate, it's for life. Sometimes, if a wolf is lucky enough, he can survive the loss of a mate and gets a second chance, but it's rare. Why do you think so many have left the pack and chosen to live just one lifetime instead of dozens? If, that's even true and not just some story our ancestors made up to keep the pack together. Sometimes, wait breaks the bridge."

"So, Han only thinks he's happy. He believes he loves me because his body tells him so. I don't really love him, then. It's just something nature dictated for the both of us."

I hear Coyote slam his fist against the bar in outrage over what I've said. "My God! Do you have to over analyze everything? You know, you've really got some self esteem issues. Hell, I don't know about this nature versus nurture thing you've cooked up in your head. I don't give a shit about Darwinism or survival of the fittest. Now who's lying? You think whatever you want, but the truth is. You two love each other and what matters beyond that? Damn girl, get a clue. What I wouldn't give..."

"I just want Han to have a choice. I want choices too." My voice borders on pleading. Coyote has cut me to the bone. And while that's why I called him and it's had the desired effect. I didn't expect him to be so brutally honest. It's obvious to me now why he wanted me to return to California. He's hoping not only will I find others like us. He's hoping I'll find the missing half of his soul.

"It doesn't matter what you choose. Has your wolf abandoned you yet? Can you still feel her tugging at your very core? Do you think just because you choose to be human over being a wolf that she isn't still there? That nature will stop calling the shots? Sorry to disappoint you, Sweet Pea. There isn't any choice for any of us."

"No matter what we do. We'll never be human. Will we?"

"Now you're getting it," Coyote says. I hear the clank of glasses in the background as he cleans up the bar for the night. I'm sad for him and feel pity for everything he's gone through. Just like Han and the rest of us, he deserves better.

"You know, you could come to California," I say. Coyote would love L.A. The busyness of the city would appeal to his wild side. He'd love the ocean and the warm sand and of course, the eye candy of all the women in bikinis at the beach. I shiver at the idea of Coyote on the prowl for his soul mate. The poor girl doesn't stand a chance against Coyote's brand of raw animal magnetism. Although I'm not attracted to Coyote in that way, the boy can do sexy cowboy.

Coyote scoffs at my suggestion and says, "Someone has to keep the good wolves of Moore County liquored up. It's my civic duty."

"You take it very seriously," I retort. My smile reflects in my voice and I can hear the effect it has on Coyote. Whatever tension was between us has ebbed and we can finally get down to the business of being the friends that we are. After a little neutral chitchat about the goings on in the non-existent Indiana town, we're ready to say our goodbyes. Before I hang up, I say, "Coyote, if she's here, I'll find her for you."

"I know you will. I'm counting on it."

Chapter 11

I promised Grace her space and so far, I've managed to comply. I gathered up my things and booked the room beside hers. She can't smell me thanks to the sickeningly sweet reek of the air freshener the hotel uses to mask the stink of filthy carpets and draperies. The open doors of the balcony are a lifesaver. Though it's still drizzling outside I'm considering sleeping in the lounge chair on the balcony rather than bedding down on questionable linens.

It feels as though we've been apart for centuries instead of just a few days. I missed the comfort of her scent filling the house. Echoing through the thin walls of the hotel room, I hear the sounds of Grace's laughter. Given the friendly tone of the snippets of conversation I manage to overhear I gather she isn't talking to Christine.

Grace has every right to be angry with Christine and with me too, for that matter. I pace the confines of the room and wonder about the world so carefully constructed around Grace. Someone engineered her entire life, from her adoptive parents to her best friend. Someone knew exactly what she was and went to great pains to keep her in the dark about it. The idea that there's another alpha male out there calling the shots has my wolf bristling in defense of territories that aren't rightfully his.

It's just for so long I've operated under the belief that we were the only ones. And now I know for certain we're not. The possibilities are endless. The existence of another pack means more than just the fact that we're not alone in the world. It means our survival.

I'm questioning everything I ever believed was the truth. I've never considered that there could be other packs out there. I've always thought we were the only paranormals there were. The legends about vampires, other types of shape shifters, psychics, fairies, hell even fucking Santa Claus, I've always dismissed them as pure figments of overactive imaginations. Maybe, I'm wrong.

I suppose it is possible we're not as high on the food chain as I thought we were. I'm not exactly concerned about a fairy smacking me on the head with a magic wand or dousing me with fairy dust. Just for fun I read my horoscope and while there could be a genuine psychic or two out there. I'm not going to lose any sleep over a soothsayer reading my aura or some bullshit. It's the possibility of other predators that has my wolf practically crawling out of my skin. The wolf, the bear, and the panther share the same territory and for the most part avoid crossing paths. But, given the chance they'll also eat one another too. And I'd just as soon rather not be on another paranormal's menu.