Secrets Revealed Pt. II

I thought about her words. I didn't think about what her real motive would be. I didn't want to try to figure it out. I just wanted Tim.

"Yes, I promise," I whispered.

"Say it," she practically ordered.

"I give you my word that I will do whatever I have to do to make this work."

That seemed to satisfy her. She looked almost relieved that she had just agreed to break up with Tim. But there was more.

"Tim must never know about our agreement. You can't ever tell him. Not that you know about me, or that you even know he was dating someone else when he met you. That's part of the bargain. Alright?"

I was so far into this that I blindly agreed, not wanting to take a chance of losing the guy I had found. I nodded.

"You're a lucky girl, Fran. Don't ever forget that."

I guess looking back that I should have felt like I had just made a deal with the devil. I didn't realize at the time how hard it would be to keep that promise. It hurts to keep something like that from the person I love so deeply. As the years progressed, it became harder but also more difficult to explain why I hadn't said something earlier.

I was coming back from class a maybe a week or two later when Miriam, the RA on my floor, stopped me as I passed her room.

"Fran, we need to talk."

"What's the matter?" I asked. I couldn't recall any rules I had broken lately.

"Patrice moved out. She found a new roommate in another dorm."

"What? She's gone already? Did she say why?"

"No, I was hoping you could tell me something. Did you two have a fight or something?"

"Not that I can think of," I lied, the first of many.

"I'll look for a roommate for you, but for now you're alone."

I walked back to my room in a daze. When I opened the door, I felt the shock all over again as I saw that Patrice's side of the room was entirely bare. It was as if she had never been there.

I tried tracking her down, tried talking to her. She avoided me. Eventually, my attempts to get in touch with her earned me a card in the mail from her. It said simply, "Remember your promise." Nothing more.

I stopped trying to talk to her after that. Eventually, I heard that she transferred to another university and I lost touch with her. I pursued my relationship with Tim, as much for myself as to honor my promise to Patrice.

* * * * *

I was blinking back tears as I drew myself back to the present, to my husband, to Tim.

"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I kept that from you all those years. At first, I felt I had to do it to keep you. After that, I couldn't imagine how I'd explain not telling you sooner. Then, yesterday, when you stopped at that camp, it all came back. It was overwhelming, facing those ghosts from my past, from our past. I feel like our love is based on lies. You have to believe me, Tim. I always loved you from the very first time we met."

Then I broke down into sobs. I had done it. After all those years, I had finally broken my vow of silence and come clean. I had no idea how my husband would react and that thought terrified me to my very soul. My greatest fear was to lose Tim. To lose him to that memory of Patrice which I took from him. We had a wonderful, loving life together. I didn't want to lose that... and I didn't want to take that away from Tim. Yet, I knew I deserved whatever happened next.

Tim, that wonderful man, had sat there quietly listening. He had let me speak, confess my deepest darkest sin. He didn't interrupt. Now it was his turn to speak. I thought it would actually be a relief if he yelled at me.

"I'm stunned," he started. My heart pounded and I trembled as I waited to hear what he'd say next. "Honey, you're trembling," he said, putting his arms on my shoulders and pulling me to him. I never enjoyed his embrace so much as at that moment. I wondered if my confession would drive him away, if I'd ever feel his touch again, and he washuggingme. I sobbed uncontrollably, completely unable to speak, grateful for his touch yet feeling so undeserving of it.

"What's the matter? Do you think that could make any difference in how much I love you? I'm shocked that you knew about all that and you never said anything." He paused to think about something. "It says a lot about your character that you would keep a promise like that for so long."

I had to try several times to get my crying under control enough to speak. "Can you forgive me?" I asked, not sure if he could even understand me through my tears.

"Forgive you? For what? For keeping a secret? For loving me enough to choose me over your friend? If that is what you want forgiveness for, then yes, my love. I forgive you... and I love you."

I didn't even try to speak. I was crying now out of relief. I just held onto him and cried. He, for his part, held me and that is just what I needed most at that moment.

In time, the tears dried up. I felt more in love with my husband than ever before. I also felt an immense sense of relief over finally telling him what I had kept from him ever since we had met. I guess I finally felt worthy, fully worthy, of his love. I can't describe the feeling. I just wanted to hold him and be held.

I thought about where we were. I remembered a place not far from here, just inside the stand of trees, where I used to go as a girl to be alone.

"Tim?"

"Yes, dear," he answered.

"Make love to me. Here, now."

"Right here?" he asked, sounding a little surprised.

I finally loosened my grip on my husband enough to look at his face. I smiled, remembering the stories I had heard of things he had done with Patrice that summer.

"There is a place, just inside the trees, that is very private. No one can see us from there. Let's go in there and make love. We can bring the blanket."

Tim smiled. He looked delighted at my suggestion. "We've never done anything like that before."

"I know. I wish we had. We can change that. Right now."

In answer, he stood up and held out his hand. I took it and stood, the warm strong feeling of his touch burning a memory into my brain. He picked up the blanket and put it over his arm.

"Lead the way," he said, grinning.

I wasn't nervous. I was relieved. I felt freer than I had ever felt with him since that talk with Patrice. I led him to the special place I had not been to since I was a teenager. It was like we were trying to make up for the years when I could never let myself go completely with him.

The spot under the trees was just as I had remembered it. A few big trees concealed the spot from anyone on top of the hill. I spread out my arms and turned around. Tim took the hint and spread the blanket on the ground. I giggled like a carefree college student again as I undid the buttons on my sundress.

As a girl, I had done this a few times in the summer. In this private place, I had taken off my clothes and played naked in the outdoors. If my mother or, God forbid my father, had every caught me, I doubt I would have lived to marry Tim. In those times long ago, I sometimes dreamed about the man I would marry. I would think about how he'd hold me and my hand would drift lower, down there.

Lost in my reverie, my pace fell behind Tim's. By the time I was letting my dress fall at my feet, Tim was removing his underwear. His erection was angling up from his body, a sight that never ceases to fascinate me. I hurried to catch up, a little embarrassed that he was stroking himself while he watched me remove my underwear. It's funny to me that I am more ashamed by him watching me than by taking my clothes off out here.

As my panties joined the rest of my clothes on the ground, Tim pulled me into his arms. The hard warmth of his dick lodged itself between us, a feeling that made me feel like I was melting inside. Maybe I felt like I was melting because I started to feel it oozing out of my lips. I used to be bothered by that, but now that I know how much he likes to clean me up there with his tongue it doesn't bother me anymore.

Even after giving birth to Laura, he still tells me I am beautiful. I am very aware of the changes in my body but he doesn't seem to notice. Seeing the love in his eyes, especially on that day, made me so happy that I married him.

As he took me in his arms, he pulled me to him with such force that my breath was knocked from my lungs. I didn't mind. The feel of his strength made me giddy with love... and lust. We kissed and he picked me up by my waist. With my feet off the ground he turned us around and I felt like I was flying. The breeze came along under the trees and blew through my hair, and I felt so in love with my husband.

I started crying because I was so relieved that he understood. He still loved me in spite of the secret that I kept from him all those years. He still loved me in spite of the fact that I took him away from Patrice. He stopped kissing me and asked me why I was crying.

I shook my head as I said, "It's not important. I'm just so happy to be here with you."

He laughed. "I'll never understand that," he said, "but I'm happy to be here, too."

"Thank you, Tim. Thanks for understanding, for forgiving, and especially for loving me."

"There is nothing to forgive. I am so glad things worked out this way. My life with you has made me the happiest man alive. I can't imagine my life being this happy with anyone else."

"Do you really mean that?" I asked him with tear-filled eyes.

"Yes, I do," he said, and his words reminded me of our wedding day.

"Make love to me, Tim. Make love to me right here under the trees," I told him.

He shifted his arms and I ended up being carried in his arms, his big strong arms that enveloped me. He laid me gently upon the blanket and delicately kissed my lips. My other lips were wetter than they ever were when I had been here alone.

Tim kissed below my earlobes, a place that he knows turns me on. I wanted to gasp, to cry out even, but I saved that for later. I knew he would make me cry out. He kissed his way down to my breasts, maybe a little faster than I would have wanted, but I was still pleased at his haste. Knowing that my body could still drive him to such passion gave me a plush warm feeling deep inside.

He sucked on my nipples and that sent a thrill down my stomach to my pussy. I could feel myself becoming even wetter. My body was preparing itself for him, to be taken by him. I breathed deeper and had an almost subconscious urge to open my legs for him. Again too soon, his lips left my nipples to head south. I can never get him to slow down for this part of the journey. He can't wait to get between my legs. I know that once he is there he will make me forget ever wanting him to go slower.

Sure enough, I soon felt his fingers pulling on my lips, the breeze gently caressing me in a place it couldn't reach a moment ago. I lifted myself up on my forearms to watch but I knew that as soon as his tongue touched me there I'll fall back and just sigh.

It happened that way. His tongue touched me in that special place and a warm surge moved through my body. I was powerless to do anything but look up at the tree branches overhead with unfocused eyes. My hands moved to my breasts of their own accord. I could still feel his saliva on the nipples and the memory of him being there only added to the overwhelming sensations.

I felt his tongue moving along my slit, a feeling that I can never duplicate with my finger. I heard a moan and realized an instant later that I made the sound in response to the way he was stimulating me. The pleasure was just barely below what I can stand. The tip of his tongue brushed my clit and I squeezed my nipples hard in response. One hand left a breast and I felt my fingers running through his hair, pulling his face harder to me. I can never make myself come this quickly when I play with myself, but he can always do this to me. With one hand still tugging on an erect nipple and the other pulling his head harder against my pussy, I felt the wave crashing over me. My legs wrapped around him lest he try to move away from me.

There was no world, no one else but the two of us. I felt the tingling spreading through every part of my body and I cried out. I screamed, not words but just sounds. The sounds of love, the sounds of pleasure. My entire universe had shrunk to what my wonderful husband was doing with his mouth to the space between my legs.

After the wave crashed, as the water flowed away, I became aware again of the sunlight through the leaves and the sound of the breeze in the trees. I licked my lips, aware that my mouth had become dry from my crying out. I looked down to find Tim looking at me and grinning. I could see that my juices were on his cheeks, a reminder of what he had just done to me that made me tingle a little again.

I was ready to return the favor, but Tim had other ideas. He moved over me, his erection dangling between our bodies. I smiled as I realized what was going to happen, what he was going to do to me. He pressed his lips to mine and I drew in a deep breath through my nose. I felt his right hand fumbling around until he found my opening. His other hand was guiding himself to it. I felt that hand around the shaft as he entered me.

When he began to penetrate, I felt a warmth surge through my whole body, like I was melting inside. I was taking him into me, we were joining in the most intimate way. My arms went around his back of their own accord. I felt his strong muscles beneath my hands, I smelled the scent of his body, I felt his weight descend upon me, and I felt his hardness enter me.

His lips moved from mine as he bottomed out and started pulling away. My mouth now free, I groaned out loud, embarrassed that I made such a sound. I was even more ashamed that I did it out here, where someone could overhear. I knew there was no danger of that; I had chosen this place because I knew we wouldn't be disturbed. I made another sound, louder, as I enjoyed that I could vocalize without fear.

Once I had made the decision to tell him, and even on the walk out here, I worried that we'd never be this close again. That was what I had feared the most—losing this closeness. That was so foolish of me. There was no doubt now how much he loved me, that he could forgive me anything and I would not lose him. I suppose that is what made me give myself to him so completely. It was definitely one of the less inhibited episodes of lovemaking we had ever experienced, and it was taking place under the trees at my parents' farm.

I had already enjoyed my orgasm so it wasn't as necessary for me to have another. I focused on giving him one, though he never failed to have one. Deep within me was this need to give him pleasure, to thank him for his forgiveness, to give thanks for the relief of having this burden lifted from my soul.

I squeezed my vaginal muscles, massaging his cock as it moved within me. I could feel it as it moved, giving me thrills that made me cry out again, though I was seeking his pleasure rather than my own. In a way, it was good that I was not seeking an orgasm because I could concentrate on his, on watching him experiencing pleasure that I was giving to him. I was enjoying watching him receive this gift from me.

I knew his orgasm was imminent before it happened. I felt his body tense up, felt his cock throb inside me, then he thrust deeply into me and held himself there. The warm spurts came and I enjoyed them, giving myself as a receptacle to him, knowing it gave him such pleasure. Though I didn't cum, the enjoyment of that encounter was a pleasure I felt through my entire being.

He stayed on top of me after, supporting most of his weight on his arms. I liked feeling him on top of me as we cuddled and kissed. The closeness after was as important to me as the act itself. In time, we talked again, after the kissing.

"I can't believe you knew," he said, sounding almost sad.

I nodded. "Yes, I knew. It was so hard keeping that from you," I said, starting to cry a little.

"Don't," he said. "You don't have to do that. It's all over now. We have each other andthatis what matters. You are the one I want to be with. No one else."

"I know, but I'm crying because I'm so relieved. You know, you forgive me, and you still love me."

He laughed, the motion making his softened cock finish slipping free of my slick confines. "Of course I love you. Nothing can change that. You should know that."

"I do," I said, losing myself in his eyes, "I really do."

And I did. Deep down inside, I knew that I'd never lose him. I felt silly for ever thinking that. We had so much between us that one secret could never change.

Our relationship deepened that day, out there on the picnic. We dressed and returned to the red checkered blanket where we shared wine and food. We talked and laughed about that summer of 1982, and that fall. He shared things he had never told me, things about his time with Patrice. There was really little I didn't already know; she and I had discussed all the details in late night chats in our dorm room.

Something did change, though. As we talked, I found myself wondering about Patrice. I wondered what had happened to her. I wanted to know if she had ever found anyone else, if she had found the kind of happiness that I had found.The kind of happiness that I took away from her and kept for myself,I admitted.

Tim noticed the change by the look in my eyes and asked me what I was thinking. I started to tell him it was nothing, but stopped myself. I had decided to stop keeping secrets from him and I wasn't going to breakthatvow. I told him how I was curious about Patrice.

"You really lost touch with her?' he asked, sounding surprised.

"Yes, she didn't seem to want me around after... ," I told him. "I missed her terribly. We had become so close. When she moved out so suddenly, I felt abandoned, empty. All I had left was you and you were so far away."

I thought about what I was going to say next. I hoped it wouldn't hurt Tim—or Patrice—but I knew I couldn't keep it to myself. I had to know.

"I want to find her. I want to talk to her," I proclaimed, as much to myself as to my husband.

Tim seemed to think about that for a few minutes before saying anything.

"Do you really think you can find her after so much time?"

"I'd like to try. Tim, would you mind if I try? If you don't want me to, I won't. I promise," I said.

Tim, that great man, smiled and said, "Find her, Fran. If it means that much to you, then do whatever it takes to find her." And then he kissed me, deeply and passionately. We made love a second time after that, and that time Ididhave an orgasm. Did I ever!

When we were ready to return to the house, it was a happy walk, much lighter than my journey out there. Instead of holding hands, we each held one of the handles on the old wicker picnic basket. If I could have, I would have skipped. My heart felt that light.

As we approached the house, I felt myself blushing. I just knew that my mother would take one look at the glow on my face andknowwhat we had been doing. I only hoped Dad wasn't there when we got back.

When we entered the house, Mom and Laura were still in the kitchen, now eating the cookies they had baked earlier in the day. Mom studied my face as we entered. Her own face showed relief when she saw how happy I was. She knew things had gone well. Whatever had been the problem, it was resolved.

We managed a few more picnics on that visit. We even took Laura on two of them. She was starting to ask what we were doing that she couldn't come with us. Mom, to her credit, never did ask what my problem was. When it was time to pack up for home, as I kissed my mother goodbye, I whispered my thanks. She just smiled.

While Tim drove on the long ride home, my thoughts were elsewhere. I was trying to think about how I could find Patrice. I passed many hours that way. When we passed the remains of the Camp Kisatchie sign on the way home, I smiled. The sign on that side of the interstate was just as worn as the other one. I didn't face it with dread this time. It was no longer a secret I was keeping from my husband. It was now a secret we shared and I felt a lot better about that.