Selfish Love

Still, it was kind of nice that he tried, and the two of them turning on each other gave me an opportunity to finally pull my shirt on without everyone staring at me. Not that it mattered, since Alex was the only person in the room who hadn't seen my tits, but for some reason I was feeling a little self-conscious.

It wasn't until I stood up and grabbed my purse that Em took notice of me again, stopping halfway through a tirade directed at Jimmy to set her sights on me again.

"Where do you think you're going?" she asked.

Somehow, I managed to find my voice. "I'm leaving."

"Don't go," Jimmy said harshly. "Em, calm down for five fucking seconds and listen, would you?"

Em did not calm down or listen for five fucking seconds, instead ignoring Jimmy as she snorted her derision at me. "You're that selfish that you're going to go wake up Baylee in the middle of the night during a sleepover so you can storm out? Because somehow I doubt you're planning on coming to get her in the morning."

There was a beat of silence, a heavy sort of expectation in the air as I felt three sets of eyes bearing down on me.

"Em," Jimmy said miserably.

I swallowed back the pain and put my purse over my shoulder.

"Baylee's not here," I said, then walked towards the door.

"What?" Em said. "What do you mean, Baylee's not here?"

I ignored her, slipping my shoes on as I fought to keep from crying.

"Kelsie, tell me what the fuck you mean!" she demanded.

"Leave me the fuck alone," I snapped.

"Mom?" a sleepy voice asked from the hallway. "Why're you yelling?"

"For fuck's sake," Em muttered. "Leia, go to bed, please."

"Why's Kelsie here?"

Fuck if I wasn't asking myself the same question.

Before anyone could answer, I grabbed my jacket and shoved the front door open, golden light following me down the sidewalk until the door slammed behind me and I was left in the lonely silence, my life in ruins around me.

Fifteen

I spent the night in a darkness that was void of movement, dreams, and emotions.

One night earlier, I'd barely slept, memories and fears and regrets blanketing themselves over my ability to sleep. And things had only gotten worse since then, so it would stand to reason that I was in for another sleepless night wrapped up in shrouds of angst and anger, grief and guilt, sorrow and shame.

But I slept. After leaving Em and Alex's, I got myself home, tracked down the old iPhone I'd had when I first left Daniel that still technically functioned, and put my SIM card in that. Then I plugged it in to charge, stripped naked, sat down on my bed, and woke up the next morning.

I suppose it made sense. There was only so much the human mind could handle before simply shutting down, and that's the point I was at. I mean, there was rock bottom, and then there was wherever the fuck I was. Hell, I supposed. It wasn't fair, nor did it seem reasonable, nor even fucking realistic for all this to happen to one person, yet there I was, surviving it.

At least I could say that.

I survived it.

Barely.

When I woke up the next morning, I panicked upon seeing multiple missed calls from numbers I didn't have saved in my phone, thinking I'd missed Baylee's call. Thankfully, before I frantically called any of the numbers back, the screen lit up and flashed Daniel's name at me.

Of course his number was saved on this phone.

Our call was quick and after I hung up, I took more than just a hysterical glance at the screen and realized I recognized both of the numbers I'd missed calls from. Well, I recognized them after realizing both numbers had also texted me.

Did you make it home? I'm sorry if you didn't want me to but I had to tell Em about what happened, she thought Baylee was dead or something.

Answer your phone please. Jimmy told me what happened and I'm sorry, okay? Let me help.

Shit. Your phone's broken. You probably can't see this.

Okay Jimmy also just told me that you broke your phone. On the off chance this goes through, head's up that I'm coming over to check on you now.

Kelsie. Let me in.

Please.

I couldn't tell when the messages had been sent, but it looked like they were from the night before. Not that it mattered.

I wasn't ready to let anyone in.

There were more texts from both of them, but I ignored them and got out of bed. I wasn't quite sure what I was feeling. Maybe partially numb, my emotions not recovered yet from the overwhelming ride they'd been on the day before. Or maybe just quietly resigned, having made it through the night. And maybe even a bit better, in a way, now that I was removed from the chaos and drama. Now that I'd heard my daughter wish me a good day. Now that I knew where I stood with Em and where I had to stand with Jimmy.

Or maybe it was a mix of all three with a dash of delusion so I could try to protect my heart as it mended itself.

In any case, I bustled around my bedroom mindlessly, putting on my work uniform and brushing my hair, eyeing the roots that were creeping into the faded pink colour and debating what colour I should dye it next. Green seemed festive, but I'd done green before and it tended to fade to a gross-looking colour.

Maybe blue, since it was about to be a blue, blue, blue Christmas for me.

My boss was surprised to see me but didn't say anything as I buried myself in work. There wasn't much of it, to be honest; with working all those extra hours and the fact that most stores were already overstocked with our product this close to Christmas, things were pretty manageable.

But there was enough that I kept myself distracted from the chaos that was my personal life for most of the day, though once three o'clock hit and I was faced with either going home or sweeping the warehouse floor for the third time, I decided it was time to go home.

"Have a good Christmas," my boss said as I collected my things from the office.

"You're off next week?" I asked.

She shook her head. "You are. Happy Holidays." I must have looked shocked because she laughed. "Hardly anyone was going to be here anyway since school's out, so I decided we're going to close for the week."

"But--"

"It's paid time off, Kels. Everyone's off for the week and trust me, you need the break more than anyone." She stood and walked around the desk, holding out a festive red envelope. "Your work this season wasn't unnoticed. Thank you."

I took the envelope and opened it, smiling at the sparkly-yet-generic card before laughing at one of the items enclosed.

"Red Lobster," I said, picking up the gift card. "You know me too well."

"That's for you to take out Baylee," my boss said. "The rest is your bonus and that comes with strict instructions to treat yourself, understand?"

I unfolded the second enclosed item, which turned out to be a check stub showing a bonus that had been deposited into my account. A large bonus. I looked up, eyes wide.

"This is--"

"--too generous, very kind, unexpected, blah blah blah," she said, waving her hand. "Don't get all gushy on me. Just take some time to relax, spoil yourself for once, and I'll see you after Christmas."

I almost hugged her, then hesitated, then decided fuck it and hugged her anyway.

On my way home, I stopped at the mall and put that bonus towards a new phone, which I figured met my boss's requirements since technically the shitty old iPhone I had still worked so it wasn't like a brand new phone was necessary. And I got myself a cute new case for it, too, and stopped by the Chinese food restaurant in the food court and treated myself to an early dinner.

After all, she'd said the Red Lobster gift card was for me to take out Baylee, so I couldn't spend the entire thing on fried shrimp and biscuits, as much as I might want to be selfish about it.

When I got home a short while later, I was feeling alright. Not great, not outstanding, not even necessarily good, but alright. And that was something.

And then it was nothing.

"I thought you'd taken the day off."

I stopped on my sidewalk, staring at Em as she sat on my front step. She didn't look up at me, instead staring at the plastic rock in her hands as she idly fidgeted with it.

My spare key.

"Who told you that?" I finally managed to ask.

"Leia. She heard you tell Baylee when you picked her up at school yesterday." Em stood up and held the rock out. "You need to hide this better."

I took it from her hesitantly. "Why didn't you let yourself in?"

"Because I'm not a presumptuous asshole who assumed you'd be okay with me letting myself into your house."

I toyed with the piercing in my lip. "How long have you been waiting?"

"Long enough that I almost considered becoming a presumptuous asshole. Can I use your bathroom?"

My face twitched into an almost-smile. "Sure."

It was almost absurd, the way she followed me into the house both casually and not, like nothing should be different and yet everything was. It was stupid little things, like the familiar way Em rested her hand against the wall so she could slide her boots off juxtaposed with my memory of Jimmy pressing me against that very same wall. Or the way she led herself to my bathroom without a second thought, my house as familiar to her as her own had been, only to return to the kitchen when she was done and hover restlessly.

I had a choice to make, just then. I could choose anger. No one would blame me, not for a second. Not after everything that had happened and after what Em had said. Anger was practically the logical choice in all of this. And even if I didn't choose anger, Em might.

But anger wouldn't get me anywhere, and as I'd proved time and time again, I was inherently selfish.

So I chose to take the risk.

"Popcorn and beer?" I asked.

She hesitated, then grinned. "God, yes."

My almost-smile was a little harder to hold back that time, and I went to the fridge while Em found a bag of popcorn in the cupboard. Another familiar scene, followed by another awkward moment with both of us sitting at the table while the microwave did its magic, unsure of what to say and uncertain of who should break the silence.

When I couldn't take it anymore, I broke first. "How much did Jimmy tell you?"

"Most of it, I think," she replied. "But like, a high-level overview. Given how much there is to unpack anyway and the fact that he's my brother, I figured I could survive without the more gratuitous details."

I didn't even manage an almost-smile that time. "Right."

More silence, and then Em sighed heavily.

"Fuck this," she said. "Kelsie, I'm sorry, okay? I didn't realize all this shit you were going through and I said... I mean, that was the last thing you needed to hear and I blurted it out like it was nothing. I'm sorry I was a shitty friend and that you didn't feel like--no." She stopped and shook her head. "Not that you didn't feel like you couldn't talk to me. I'm sorry that I made you feel like that. I feel like shit about it. You didn't deserve any of it. At all. This fucking sucks and I miss you."

"I... thanks," I said, stunned by the suddenness of it all. "I'm... I'm sorry, too. For not telling you. And for what I said when we were at the coffee shop. And for..."

I didn't know how to finish that sentence. For not fucking her brother but trying to? For almost fucking her brother in her living room? For crossing a line I shouldn't have crossed involving, of all people, her brother?

Luckily, Em didn't seem to want me to finish it as much as I didn't want to finish it.

"I'll be honest, that was kind of shitty of you," she said bluntly. "Like, I keep telling myself that I know you're not the kind of person who would do something like that just to get back at me. But I..."

She trailed off and I gaped at her, torn between being understanding and being offended. Em glanced up at me, a pained look on her face.

"I hate that I have to ask," she said. "But just be honest with me. Was it--"

"No," I said, almost dumb from shock. "All of that started before we fought."

Based on the look on her face, Jimmy had not, in fact, told her most of it. "What?!"

Defensiveness crawled up my back and I felt my face turn red. "It wasn't about you. Ever. We... I kept saying we couldn't because of you."

"How long?" she asked with the same kind of horrified curiosity as someone watching a car accident.

I stared at my beer, desperate to take a sip only because my mouth was achingly dry but aware of how bad that would look.

"We kissed that one night the girls were having a sleepover at your place and he brought dinner over," I finally said. "And then we, um... also kissed the day Daniel brought Baylee back early. And then last night."

My euphemisms were not fooling her in the slightest, but she kindly didn't call it out. "I don't know if that makes it better or worse."

It took me a moment to process what she said. When I did, I looked up at her in disbelief.

"You don't know if me and Jimmy liking each other is a worse option than me fucking your brother as some sort of sick payback?" I asked.

"It was more the fact that you've been hiding it from me for literally... Jesus, that was before the concert," she said.

Oh. That made a lot more sense. So much sense that I couldn't think of a response and nearly dove off my chair when the microwave beeped to say the popcorn was ready, thankful for any semblance of a distraction. Em waited until I brought the bowl over and sat down before speaking again.

"Here's my issue," she said. "He's my kid brother. Like, legitimately. He's my brother but I raised him, too. So instantly, that means I'm always going to despise anyone who hurts him."

"I know, and that--"

"But you're like my sister," she continued, ignoring my interruption. "For a long time, you were all I had, and that means I'm going to instantly despise anyone who hurts you."

I wasn't ready for her to look up at me, her expression fierce but twisted with confusion and frustration and fear. I didn't know what to say, so I simply watched until she took a breath and continued.

"I had this whole big speech ready about all of this but knowing it's been going on longer than just last night, that's... it changes things. It wasn't some in-the-moment situation or anything like that. This is... like, you like him. And he likes you. This wasn't some one-time thing."

I fidgeted with my lip ring. "No. It wasn't."

She sighed. "I can't lecture you about being older than him because that makes me a gigantic hypocrite given that Alex was literally my friend's dad. And I can't ask you what you see in him or what he sees in you because I know exactly what both of you see in each other." She picked a piece of popcorn out of the bowl but just toyed with it before looking up at me. "Is this what you want?"

I knew what she wanted me to say, but I couldn't.

I wasn't going to lie to her.

"I don't know," I said honestly. "I don't want to hurt him and that's probably what's making this so much worse because I'm so fucking concerned about everyone else's feelings that I can't figure out what I actually want. But I mean, that's also on top of everything in my life being an absolute shitstorm right now, so I don't think I've given it a fair amount of thought." It was my turn to look at her with a fierce expression of my own. "As much as I like Jimbo--and I do, okay, I'll be fucking honest about that because I really fucking do--if it comes down to having to choose between you and him, I'm picking you." A beat went by and I bit my lip. "At least, if all of this means we're friends again."

She raised an eyebrow. "So if we're still friends-off, you'd go after him?"

I shrugged apologetically. "If we're not friends, I care a little bit less about what you think."

Another beat went by as Em held my gaze and I held hers, and then she burst out laughing.

"That's fair," she giggled, grabbing a handful of popcorn. "For the record, we're friends again. If you're forgiving me, I mean."

I nodded, though I was suddenly nervous. "Does that mean you're forgiving me, too?"

"Yeah, of course." She shoved some of the popcorn in her mouth. "And I'm not making you pick between me and Jimmy. Just don't hurt him, if you can help it."

I nodded, but something was still nagging at me. "And what about what I said about... when we were at the coffee shop?"

She leaned back in her chair, fidgeting with the beer bottle.

"Well," she finally said. "I can't forgive you for that."

My heart almost fell out of my ass. "Oh."

Em looked up and I realized her eyes were wet. "There's nothing to forgive. You weren't wrong."

Oh.

Oh, shit.

"What's going on?" I pressed, scooching my chair closer to the table.

She smiled sadly. "I was pissed because you called out the exact things I've been feeling and was too... I don't know. Too scared, maybe, or too stubborn to acknowledge. Things have changed and I don't know if I like all of it."

"Have you talked to Alex?"

She shook her head. "No. It's like you said. How can I call out something that's doing good? Like, Leia wanted to be involved in a charity concert thing because that's something that Alex and Mike have done before. And what was I supposed to do? Tell her no, you can't help raise money for homeless children or sick dogs or whatever it was? But then it turned into this whole fucking thing and that was on top of the goddamn YouTube channel."

"I don't get it, Em," I said. "You were so against her performing and now--"

"I know. You're right." She ate a piece of popcorn and sipped her beer. "Like, I always knew she looked up to Jimmy. Her big rock star uncle who was so cool. And she wanted to play the guitar because of him and I thought, why not? And then I feel like I turned around for five seconds and suddenly she's all over the internet. And Alex and Mike keep pushing for her to do more and she loves it because she loves music but--"

"But she doesn't know if she loves it," I interrupted. "She's not even playing for real half the time. It's not about the music, Em."

Her mouth opened, then closed.

"Sorry," I said cautiously. "I--"

"You're right." She blew out a breath. "I have to talk to him. I was so... it wasn't all at once, right? Like, it was little things. A recital here. Then a concert there. And then a video because she wanted to show off her new song. And you're right, it's not Leia asking for it."

"She asks for a picture of the moon and Alex and Mike trip over themselves to bring her the real thing and all of the stars, too," I said.

"And Jimmy," she said. "You don't get to leave him out just because you're fucking him."

My face burned as she howled with laughter. "For the record, we have not actually--"

"TMI!" she said quickly.

"Telling you I haven't fucked your brother yet is TMI?" I shot back.

"Maybe not, but throwing the 'yet' in there was highly unnecessary."

For a long, lovely, wonderful moment, things were like old times as we struggled to stop laughing.

"It just needs to be dialed back a bit," I said when we managed to compose ourselves. "Like, think of what Leia actually enjoys about it. Playing music with Jimmy, obviously, but she still looks kind of terrified every time she goes on stage. She loves messing around with Baylee. The two of them can spend hours dancing and singing and... I'd hate for her to lose that side of it."

"You're right," she said. "I'm gonna talk to Alex. It's..." She hesitated, then tilted her beer bottle at me. "This isn't a jab at you, so don't take it that way. It's just, this is why I wish you would've told me sooner. If I'm ever making you feel like you can't tell me things, please tell me. You mean too much to me to risk this happening again."