Setting The Wall Ch. 1/2

I learned things about him I'd never been curious about with anyone else. He was the oldest of four. His dad split when he was 6 and his mother called him the man of the house from that moment on. He was still the man of the house, even though his mother lived 500 miles away. It was Dev she called when the roof leaked, and it was Dev who talked to his baby brother and told him he'd come home and kick his ass if he flunked out of school because he partied too much.

Dev found out about me, too. He knew that I'd sworn that I'd never end up like my own old man, thirty years with GM and then kicked out on his ass to find work as a school janitor when that bastion of American Industry pulled up stakes and moved most of their factories to third world countries. He knew my mom was dead and what a big hole that was in my life because it had always been her and me, as much as it had been my older brother and my dad. I told him my dad and I were trying and he encouraged me, but he also saw how tough it was and he was there for me, when it sometimes got to be too much.

Dev was a lab tech at one of the local hospitals, but he was toying with the idea of going back to school and doing the graduate work to teach. He loved explaining things and taught me more than I ever wanted to know about blood typing and critters that lived in your body. He thought it was great that I was a Realtor, and kidded me by saying it was good to know one that liked being screwed instead of the other way around.

We both loved Mexican food, but it gave me gas, and Dev started carrying Beano so we could go out for tacos after the bar and he wouldn't have to be afraid I'd fart in his face later when we were in bed. For my part, I found myself stocking caramel corn, his favorite after-sex snack and developing a fondness for the scotch he always drank at the club.

Dev knew another thing about me. I was deeply in the closet, and there was no way I was ever going to willingly step out of it. He was the first guy I'd actually explained my theory about The Wall too. He told me he understood, though I thought the expression in his face said otherwise. But he never argued and when I talked about the life I led away from him, he never acted like he cared, so I went with the flow and didn't ask him questions I didn't want to hear the answers to.

I told him I was going to ask Tess to marry me before she did, and when she said yes, he was the first person I went to. He didn't say much, not even congratulations, but then I was more interested in undressing him than I was in examining his - or my - feelings.

Of course, sometimes I couldn't help but wonder about where this thing we'd started was going. Oh, we'd discussed it, many times, and we'd both agreed that when I married, that would be it. End of the road. I was determined that I wasn't going to be one of those guys you'd see at The Station, nervously looking around, endlessly worrying the gold band they wore on their left ring finger. That was fucked as far as I was concerned. You made the commitment, you kept it. I believed that and Dev knew it. I think, at least in the beginning that was one of the things that drew him to me.

He told me once that he wasn't a settling down kind of guy. He said right up front he was seeing other men besides me. He'd even described some of their encounters, though he'd eventually stopped that shit, which was great as far as I was concerned. I couldn't help it; I'd always been jealous of his time with others. And yeah, I knew that was selfish because I had Tess, but that fact didn't change the reality. Even tonight, when I'd seen him kiss that other guy, it made me sick and angry that anybody - anybody but me - should taste those lips.

"Are you listening to a word I'm saying?" Dev's voice snapped me out of the fog I was in.

"You said you didn't need this shit."

"Yeah, I said that. Like ten minutes ago!" He sighed and ran his hands through his hair one more time. "I need to leave."

"Hot date?" I couldn't help it; all I could see was that blond guy with his tongue stuck halfway down Dev's throat.

He lifted one eyebrow. "If I did, what business would it be of yours?"

I shrugged; he had a point. "None. I guess I just thought you could stay."

I hadn't realized I was going to say that until it was out of my mouth. We'd already said our goodbyes the week before. Now both his eyebrows were raised and I hated that knowing smirk he was throwing my way. I forced myself to stare back. Sure, I wasn't going to cheat on Tess after we were married, but I wasn't married yet and I wanted him. Wanted him so bad my ass ached with the need to feel his cock inside me. Now, Dev saw that need in my eyes. I watched his face as he processed the knowledge. For a second I thought I saw something besides amusement, but then his lips curled mockingly.

"So, you think we should have one more fuck for old times' sake? What happened to the guy who told me he was done with all that?"

He crossed his arms and looked at me like he was trying to figure out where he'd seen me before. I thought he might have been through and waited for him to turn towards the door. Instead his face settled into hard planes and his eyes narrowed, but when he spoke again it came out as a purr.

"Or maybe you just need to cuddle?" Yeah, his voice was soft but I'd have been a fool if I'd missed the bitterness in his voice. "Maybe, you just want to spend the night curled up in bed like a real couple? Get up in the morning, grab a little breakfast, read the paper together..."

I sat there stunned. What the fuck was he talking about? We'd never done that; it wasn't part of the game. Never done anything that might hint that we were more than fuck buddies who'd become friends. I couldn't risk it; he didn't want it - we'd always agreed. So why was he acting like it was something he felt he'd been cheated out of? And why did I feel the same way?

"Just forget it." I had to shut him up. It didn't matter anymore. It wasn't going to happen. I couldn't let it happen. Suddenly, I just wanted him gone.

"No," Dev walked over to the couch and grabbed my shirt and pulled me vertical. Then he slid his arms around my waist and jerked me to him.

I gasped as I felt his cock, already hard, dig into my belly. Now he was mad, truly pissed, and it was almost a relief. Anger was something I could handle, even enjoy if it could be translated to hot sex. I moaned a little and did a little rubbing of my own.

"Yeah, you want that don't you baby - dude?" He spit out the last word as if it tasted bad and then jerked me closer. He rubbed his hard-on up and down my gut and I groaned louder. "Sure you do," he pulled me back and the look in his eyes, an uneasy mix of disgust and hurt and desire, made me flush with hot shame. "You always want it. Face it, Max; you're a dick lover. I've never seen a guy more willing."

I froze. A moment ago, I might have been ready for a little sex, but not now, not after the pain I'd seen in Devlin's face - not if I had to sacrifice my self-respect to get it. I started to protest, but Dev sneered, his anger safely in place again, and cut me off simply by putting his mouth over mine. His soft lips and hard tongue made me forget whatever protest I was going to say. When he was finished, neither of us had any breath left for words. And when I finally gathered up enough of my wits to look at him, I saw nothing but lust.

"Tell me you want this, Max," he demanded as he grabbed my ass. "Oh Christ," his voice suddenly raw, "tell me how much you needme!"

I looked at him. I should have stopped then, I should have stepped back and shown him the door. I had obligations, commitments - promises I'd made to people I loved.

I pulled him to me and kissed him hard.

After that there was no turning back. We had a race to see who could get naked first. Dev won, and after grabbing the condom he never left home without, he pushed me over the end of the couch. With no warning, no preparation, he impaled me with his cock. I groaned in pain and want and spread my legs in welcome.

"I want you to remember this," Dev grunted as he drove his cock deep into my ass. "For the rest of your life, I want you to know that this--" He shoved hard and whispered fiercely into my ear as I moaned. "This is what you really need."

"Oh God, yes!" I babbled, half delirious. "I love this. I love you!"

Dev froze. Slowly he pulled his cock out of my tunnel until only the head was penetrating me. "No, you don't."

"What are you doing?" I was frantic to have him continue. I thrust up with my hips to imbed him in me, but he moved with me avoiding further penetration. "Don't stop. Jesus, don't stop fucking me now!"

"You want me to do this?" He moved his hips and I arched into him. Then he pulled back out to my entrance and stopped again.

"Oh Christ, Dev, please," I begged.

His whole body seemed to be trembling above me and for a moment I thought he'd go on. "No," he shook his head. "I can't do this anymore." And then he did the unthinkable. He pulled out all the way and stood.

I sank to my knees, and then I watched in shock as Dev went over to the chair where he'd thrown his clothes. Regardless of his actions, his hard-on was still ready for me. He ignored it and I watched as he struggled to adjust it into his g-string and then his jeans. He slipped his sweater on and turned to me.

"You can't really be leaving," I said stupidly, even though it was obvious that he was.

"It's time." He said softly. "Past that, really."

"But..."

He stopped me. "Max, you made your decision a long time ago. Let me make mine."

"Why did you even come here?" I asked bitterly.

He shook his head and for the first time that night, the anger was gone. "I wish I knew."

We looked at each other and it was all there-the pain, the need, the truth that I was not willing to face. Then he turned his back to me and walked through the door, never looking back.

For a long time after he left I just stayed there, naked in the living room. I wasn't thinking about Dev though. I couldn't, it was too dangerous. Instead I thought about my life and how I was going to manage once Tess and I were married. Six months ago, it'd been easy to convince myself that life with her would make all the difference. But now I was actually getting married in three days and the arguments that had seemed so sound then didn't do the trick anymore.

I loved her. I really did. But I wasn't sure any more how I loved her. We'd always been great friends-maybe best friends-but lately that seemed to be a thing of the past. We were impatient with each other and frustrated. I told myself it was just pre-wedding jitters, but maybe it was more than that. Maybe she was sensing that I might not be as committed as I should be. Was that the truth? Did I really want her as my spouse, my lover - the mother of my future children? Or was I just fooling myself, pretending the fact - the habit - of us was enough to build a life together? Especially when I was scared shitless by the growing thought that no matter how good my intentions, I was never going to be completely satisfied with Tess, or any woman, as my only bed partner.

And what of Dev? I finally allowed myself to think. What actually had gone on here tonight? A messy end to a casual affair, or had truths been said? If not with words then with looks and emotions we could no longer hide. I didn't honestly know. I wasn't sure if I even wanted to. He wasn't part of my life, he couldn't be. I couldn't risk it. It was best that he be part of my past. I believed that, or wanted to, and that's almost the same thing.

Yeah, tonight had been for the best. It was necessary for us to make some kind of a final break and we'd done it. Now he could go on with his own life and I, well, I could do what I'd always dreamed of. Get married, have a family, assume the responsibilities I'd always wanted for myself, the things that were expected of me. And Tess really loved me. I knew that and there was no way I was ever going to let her down. So what if she wasn't exactly the epitome of all my sexual fantasies. She was a good person, a friend I cherished and the only woman I'd ever really been attracted to sexually.

But deep down inside, my little voice was bitching. Telling me over and over again, that I'd hurt Dev. Hurt him badly and Tess too, even if she didn't have a clue that this was so. I'd used both of them. One to satisfy my needs and the other to give me the kind of validity I thought was necessary for me to get on in this world. It wasn't fair to either of them and it sickened me to realize how manipulative I'd become. All the arguments I'd ever used about how this was about me and that no one else was affected by my little flings were just so much bullshit. My Mom had always told me there were always consequences to your actions. I guess this was the first time I'd really realized she was right.

I fell asleep on the couch and woke up a couple of hours later freezing my ass off. I stumbled into the bedroom and crawled under the sheets. I was warm soon enough, but sleeping was problematical and I didn't manage it again until the light in the window told me the night was a thing of the past. My last thought as I drifted off was, How did you fuck this up so bad?