tagHumor & SatireSexy Situations

Sexy Situations


"It's time for SEXY SITUATIONS!"

The announcer's declaration caused the studio audience to give a wild cheer. The neon lights grew brilliant while the digital screens illuminated the stage with various colors. Five contestants appeared on stage and sat on five black stools as they waited for the arrival of the game's host.

The announcer proclaimed, "And here is your host: Percy Stumper!"

The studio audience howled and applauded as the middle-aged man in a gray suit walked up on the stage and waved his hands at his most devoted fans.

Once he stood in front of his podium, he stated, "Thank you, everyone. Welcome to Sexy Situations: the game show where our contestants describe their most intriguing segments of their sex lives. If the audience gives their highest approval to the one person that has the most vivid imagination, only one of our five contestants will make it to the Golden Round, which will occur next week. If their sex lives are considered mundane and uninteresting, they will walk away with nothing. If their sex lives turn out to be false, they will have no choice but to listen to a twelve-hour marathon of music from Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift (both at the same time, mind you). If their sex lives are considered offensive almost to the point of criminal behavior, the contestants will be reminded that half of our studio audience consists of members of the Los Angeles Police Department. And I can see from here that they have their batons and peppers sprays ready for action."

The police officers nodded in approval.

Stumper continued, "Now let's meet our five contestants."

The five men sitting on the stools had name tags stuck to their shirts. And it looked like they came from all parts of California.

"Contestant number one, please state your full name and tell us where you're from."

Looking nonchalant, the first contestant wore blue jeans, a green t-shirt, and a red trucker cap. He leaned over with his right hand placed on his thigh. "Yeah, my name is Stu Tardy. I'm thirty-six years old and I'm from the city of Hesperia."

Stumper smiled. "Welcome, Stu. Are you confident that you will make it to the next round?"

Stu shrugged his shoulders. "I can't really tell. My wife's always begging me to be on this game show. I don't know what I've done to be on here, but I really can't let my wife down."

"Are you saying that you don't believe you don't deserve to be on Sexy Situations?"

"I just don't want to ruin my wife's life. I mean, really. She'll take my house, my son, and my dachshund if I don't do what she tells me to do. She's a real control freak. I have no say in our family matters. It stinks, Percy."

Stumper raised his eyebrows. "And people wonder why men want to marry dumb blondes. Okay, contestant number two, please state your full name and tell us where you're from."

The second contestant wore a dark blue sweater and brown slacks. "Hi, my name is Adrian Sticks. I'm from the city of Chino Hills, and I am twenty-three years old."

Stumper replied, "If I'm not mistaken, you are the youngest contestant ever to appear on this show."

"That's what the producers told me backstage."

"Do you believe you have a very successful sex life even at this age?"

Adrian nodded and said, "It's almost a guarantee, Percy."

"Let's see if the audience agrees. Good luck, Adrian. Contestant number three, state your name and place of origin."

The third contestant looked a little pompous with his white suit, straw hat, thick gray beard, and a corncob pipe between his lips. "The name is Walter Redwood. I'm from the city of Eureka, and I have just turned fifty-one last week."

Stumper examined him from top to bottom. "I have never met anyone from Eureka that wears the same attire as you. Are you sure you're not from one of the Southern States?"

"Yes, I am positive. I was born and raised in Northern California, and my birth certificate proves it."

"So, Walter, do you believe that the audience will approve of your imagination and your dirty little fantasies?"

Walter chuckled. "I am sure they will be surprised by my lifelong accomplishments."

Stumper didn't feel impressed. "Well, good luck on tonight's show. Contestant number four, state your name and place of origin."

The fourth contestant, for some reason, wore a formal tuxedo. He began to sing with a very deep baritone voice: Myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy naaaaaaaaaaaaame iiiiiiiiis-"

Stumper raised his hands. "Hold on a second. The producers have given me a cheat sheet right here."

He pulled out an index card from his left pocket. He read from it, "It says here that your name is Robert Mellow. You're forty-two years old and you work for the San Francisco Opera."

Robert sang, "Thaaaaaaaaaaaat iiiiiiiiiiiis correeeeeeeeect."

Stumper cleared his throat. "Are you going to stay like this for the remainder of this show?"

Robert kept singing his sentences. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, iiiiiiiiiit's paaaaaaaaaart ooooof myyyyyyy joooooooooooooob."

"I have a feeling that you're going to irk me all day."

Stu added, "Well, better him than Miley and Taylor."

Stumper faked his smile. "Yeah, sure. Contestant number five, state your name and place of origin."

The fifth and last contestant looked like a staggered old man. He held a cane in his hand and he wore a thick beret on his head. "Hello, Percy, my name is Jonathan Spunky. I am from the city of Half Moon Bay, and I am eighty-five years old."

"Welcome to Sexy Situations, Jonathan. Are you married by any chance?"

"Yes, to my wonderful wife of fifty-six years."

"That's quite an achievement in itself, Jonathan."

Stu pointed his thumb at Jonathan. "I feel sorry for this guy already."

Stumper shook his head. "Please, Stu, not until after the show. Alright, gentlemen, get ready on your buzzers. Here's how the game works. A random word or phrase will light up on the big screen in the middle of this very stage. If the word of phrase is familiar to you and you would like to share your experience to me and the audience and the TV viewers, press the buzzer as fast as you can and tell us about your moment of sexual satisfaction. Be advised that only three of our five contestants have a chance for each category. Now, let's start."

The contestants picked up their buzzers from the floor.

A phrase revealed itself on the screen a few seconds later:


Adrian, Robert, and Jonathan pressed their buzzers almost simultaneously.

Stumper replied, "Adrian is the first. So now he must tell us the most interesting location for intercourse."

Adrian took a deep breath and said, "My girlfriend and I crossed the boundaries of commonplace technicalities. We wanted to take a risk...and we did it on the bed! We waited until the afternoon, and we did it at my girlfriend's place. We were alone. We had just finished our homework, and our natural urges couldn't be overlooked any longer. It was four o'clock. We did it in her BEDROOM!"

The entire studio had been enveloped in silence. Stu, Walter, Robert, and Jonathan gave confused looks at Adrian.

Stumper tapped his fingers on the podium. "Adrian, you do realize that the other contestants will probably have the upper hand in this game show, right?"

Adrian laughed nervously. "I'm still standing."

"Yeah, sure, buddy. Robert, you're next."

Robert began another song. "Myyyyyyyyyyyyy wiiiiiiiiiife aaaaaaaaaand IIIIIIIII paaaaaaaid aaaaaaa viiiiiiiisiiiiiiit tooooooooooo-"

Stumper raised a hand. "Robert, this game show is only half an hour long, so please don't push our buttons."

But the baritone didn't stop with his slow melodies. "Theeeeeeeee woooooooods iiiiiiiis theeeeeeeeee plaaaaaaaaace-"

"I'm gonna have to have a little talk with our producers later on. I'm sorry, Robert, but I have to stop you right there. You get no points for taking so damn long to answer a single question. Jonathan, why don't you give us your example of a most interesting place to have sex?"

Jonathan smiled and placed his cane on his lap. "I can remember the one place where my wife and I felt so satisfied with our steaming passion. Back in 1961, we visited Sequoia National Park. We were camping, and deep within our thoughts, we recollected the love that we shared in all forms of the human body. During the descending sunset, the two of us ran off, away from the campgrounds. We climbed up one of the giant sequoia trees with some special equipment. We found ourselves on one of the branches. She told me that she would never love another man for she is lucky to have a man like me. I told her that I would stay with her for as long as I live. The skies grew dark as the two of us made love on the branch. Believe me when I say it had become the greatest two hours of passion that I ever experienced."

Stumper asked the studio audience, "Isn't that the most interesting place to have sex, ladies and gentlemen?"

The audience stood up and cheered, police officers included.

Stu sighed. "I'm jealous of him already."

Walter added, "I could have told the same story."

Stumper proclaimed, "The audience has given their approval, which means Jonathan Spunky is on the board with one point!"

Jonathan clapped his hands. "Oh, those camping trips have really paid off!"

"Indeed, they have. Unfortunately, Robert and Adrian have no points, so they must work harder than before to make it to the next round. Let's move on to the second category. Hands on buzzers."

The second category was revealed on the screen:


Stu, Walter, and Adrian became the first to press their buzzers.

Stumper stated, "Walter is first. Please explain to us your most interesting sexual daydream."

Walter smacked his lips. "Well, Percy, it went like this. I lay on the couch on a lazy Saturday afternoon. I closed my eyes. I dreamed of a beautiful young woman whose inner urges grew stronger as days flew by. I paid her a visit with a pizza box in my hand. I knocked on her front door three times. She opened the door, and-"

Stumper cleared his throat in a loud manner. "Sorry for interrupting, Walter, but I need to be certain of this. Are you saying that you've fantasized about delivering pizza to a desperate young woman?"

"Yes, that's the basic plot and I'm sticking with it."

"I think I should remind you that a pizza delivery as a premise is something that we've all heard of and is ultimately nothing special."

The studio audience nodded almost in unison.

Walter looked offended. "Well, you people must lead dangerous lives if I'm not mistaken."

Stumper asked, "Walter, What do you do for a living?"

"I am an author, a writer of many genres."

"I'm guessing anything over than erotica."

"...Yes, that is correct."

"Lucky guess. Okay, Stu, you're up next."

Stu took off his trucker cap for a moment. "Well, I used to have numerous fantasies before I ever got married. I remember a time when I lay on my king-sized bed and I dreamt of being in space. By using some advanced technology, the woman and I would float around thousands of miles above the earth. We would be naked, and we would breathe oxygen. I told you, advanced technology. Think about it. Anyway, we make love while gravity is nowhere to be found. We're floating freely in space, and we hold each other, hugging and kissing while the earth is about the size of a baseball field from where we're situated. It was the most heavenly daydream I have ever had. And then, of course, I got married, and I couldn't daydream any longer. My life is over."

Stumper replied, "While I do feel sympathetic to your current needs, I must say that your fantasy from a long time ago is indeed a very interesting one. Am I right, audience?"

The audience cheered.

Stumper also remarked, "How come you're not working at NASA at this point, Stu?"

Stu shrugged his shoulders. "My wife hates rockets."

Jonathan pointed at Stu and said, "You should have married a more intelligent and caring woman. My wife is the exact opposite of yours, and we've loved each other ever since I put the ring on her finger. She is an amazing woman."

"Is she available by any chance?"

Stumper interrupted, "Let's not get carried away here. The important thing is that Stu has received one point, and he is now tied with Jonathan for the lead. Okay, Adrian, you're the last one."

Adrian straightened up. "I'm kinda nervous, but here it is. I lay in bed...I closed my eyes...and I fantasized about my girlfriend...kissing me on the lips!"

The studio grew silent again. Even the crickets stopped chirping.

Stumper asked, "Are you sure you're twenty-three years old?"

Adrian nodded. "Yes, I am."

"It must be a miracle that you've been accepted for tonight's show. Adrian gets no point for that one. Let's move on to the next category."

Another word flashed on the digital screen:


Walter, Robert, and Adrian pressed their buzzers the quickest.

Stumper sighed. "Robert, you're the first. Go ahead."

Robert's voice had grown louder than ever. "Myyyyyyyyyyyyy faaaaaaaaaaavooooooooriiiiiite soooooooooort oooooooooooof roooooooooleplaaaaaaaaaaaaying-"

"You're not gonna give up on this, are you, Robert?"

"I aaaaaaaaaaam aaaaaaan aaaaaaaartiiiiiiiiiist, heeeeeear meeeeeeeeeeeee roaaaaaar!"

Robert's singing came to an end when Stumper grabbed a police officer's pepper spray and used it against the baritone. Stumper sprayed his eyes, and Robert fell to the floor, screaming. Two stage hands dragged him offstage.

Stumper returned to his podium. "I'm sorry you had to see that, but I had no choice...and it felt REALLY good. Anyway, Walter, you're next."

Walter looked shaken at first, but he quickly regained his composure. "If I can recall correctly, a girlfriend from a past generation wanted us to demonstrate an emotional structure from the past. In the Wild West, there are cowboys and Indians. On a Friday night, I dressed up as a cowboy while she dressed up as the young and innocent Native-American woman. We-"

Stumper raised his hands again. "Walter, this 'cowboy and Indian' stuff has been going on since the nineteenth century. There is nothing unique about dressing up as a cowboy."

"I wish you could stop interrupting and let me finish my story."

"I would, but as you can see, the studio audience is about ready to go to sleep. I have to stop you right there and tell you that you still don't have a point. Adrian, go ahead."

Adrian smiled. "My girlfriend and I went further into our sexual attraction. We dressed up...as a husband and wife!"

Stumper smacked his hand flat across his face. "Are you, by any chance, a Jehovah's Witness?"

Adrian replied, "No, but my father is a Mormon."

"That will probably explain why we won't be seeing you in the final round."

And Stumper was correct. Nearing the end of the show, both Stu and Jonathan survived and made it to the final round. Robert left the show with absolute pain in his eyes. Walter left the stage, feeling unhappy that he didn't even win a penny. Adrian became a bright spot, as the members of the Los Angeles Police Department beat him to a pulp with their batons simply because they had grown tired of his "goody-two-shoes" behavior. Once they dragged him outside, Stu and Jonathan remained onstage.

Stumper, still in front of his podium, announced, "This could be a lucky day for either of you. We have a special grand prize of ten thousand dollars!"

Stu looked perplexed. "Ten thousand? Shouldn't it be a million? After all, we just brought our life experiences to television."

"Well, for a show that's only shown here in California, our budget is considered to have certain vulnerabilities. Besides, you can do a lot with ten thousand dollars."

"You mean I can do a lot with it AFTER TAXES?"

Stumper thought about that statement for a few seconds before saying, "Why don't you use it for gas money?"

"I thought so."

"Anyway, here is the final challenge. It's all about temptation. We will bring in five topless women onstage. If you even take one step forward, it is an indication of adultery, which results in the loss of your grand prize. Are you man enough to evade temptation?"

Stu and Jonathan looked at each other. Jonathan replied, "As they say in the twenty-first century...bring it on, Stumper!"

Stumper gave a smile. "Let's bring in the women!"

As the five topless (and attractive) women walked on to the stage, nearly half of the studio audience howled and whistled. The five women grinned as they showed their bare chests to the remaining two contestants.

Stu's eyes widened while Jonathan folded his arms across his chest, not looking even remotely impressed.

Stumper looked at his watch. "Let's see how long these men can survive."

Both Stu and Jonathan observed the five pairs of breasts for as long as they could. By this time, Stu's fingers began to tremble. A drop of sweat formed on his forehead. He took deeper breaths. Jonathan, on the other hand, didn't even flinch.

Stumper asked, "How's progress, Mr. Spunky?"

Jonathan replied, "I wish my wife was here."

"That is amazing, I must say."

Stu licked his lips as he stared at five heavenly bodies. He began to lean forward.

Stumper warned him, "It looks like you're not being man enough."

Stu murmured, "Oh, yes I am."

He moved his foot a few inches forward.

Stumper gave a clear reminder. "You'll lose ten thousand dollars if you make your move."

"I don't care anymore!"

Stu jumped up from his stool and grabbed a woman's breasts. "My wife can take the house! I don't care! I'm gonna have fun with these beautiful chicks right here! I have found my stride again!"

Stumper shook his head in pity. "I hope you give a good explanation to your family, who must love you very much."

Jonathan added, "Give him his fifteen seconds of glory before his wife buries him six feet under."

"Sure, why not? So Jonathan, we shall congratulate you because you have won the grand prize! You have won ten thousand dollars!"

Jonathan, as well as the studio audience, cheered. Confetti spilled all over the stage. Stu still had his hands on her breasts.

Stumper proclaimed to the camera, "Thank you for watching Sexy Situations! We'll see you again next time!"

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