Shane and Carmen: The Novelization Ch. 09

"Use the bushes," Shane said.

Mark turned and fled down the hall and out the back door.

***

Mark sat on a chair in the middle of the kitchen, where the light was best. Shane circled around him with her scissors and a comb, putting the final touches on his haircut. He had a barber cape around his shoulders and snugged tightly around his neck. He held a mirror in his hand that Shane had given him, and he looked as his new haircut in it.

"I don't know, babe. I think it looks a little dyke-ish," he said.

"Welcome to the club," Shane said, still processing how to take that remark.

Mark chuckled. "I'm joking," he said. "I like it a lot. So, what the fuck do you think that bitch Veronica Whatshername wanted from you?"

"Oh, I don't know. She's a fucking freak." She danced slowly behind Mark, combing at the hair behind his ear, and snipping at something she'd missed.

"Damn, you know, I was just about to ask you to hook it up."

"You were going to ask me to call Veronica Bloom?" Shane asked, mystified.

"I had a minute of thinking if she, uh, saw my project, she might be into it," he said.

"Mark, why didn't you say something?"

"No, it was just a fleeting thought. Don't worry about it."

"Do you have any other leads?"

"Uh, no."

"Well, look, maybe I ... maybe I'll get another job with a studio head or ... maybe I actually will have a next job."

"Yeah, you and me both," Mark said.

There was a knock at the back door, which opened, and Carmen stuck her head in.

"Hey," Mark and Shane both said, nearly simultaneously.

"Hi," Carmen said, coming into the kitchen.

"Jenny's not home," Shane said.

"Yeah, I know," Carmen said.

"So, uh ...?" Shane mumbled.

"Oh, um, I just wanted to talk to you about some stuff." Carmen said quietly.

Mark looked in the mirror, pretending to mess with his hair, but watched Carmen, who stood behind him leaning against the kitchen counter.

"You're cutting hair," Carmen said.

"Yes, I am."

"You know what?" Mark said, standing up and removing the barber cape. "I have got a ton of work I need to be doing right now. I'll clean this up when I --"

"No, no, I have it," Shane said. "I got it."

"Okay," Mark said, heading for the back door. "Hey," he said to Carmen.

"Hey," Carmen said.

"Thank you," he said to Shane as he went out.

"Yep," Shane said. She put the kitchen chair back where it belonged, got a broom and dust pan out of the pantry, and began to sweep up. There was noise roaring in her head. The last time she'd seen Carmen, she was sitting backward and naked on the toilet two days ago and peeing on Jenny. And it had pretty much been two days of torment since then, two days not so much thinking about Carmen and Jenny doing water sports, but just two days thinking about Carmen, period. Carmen wet, Carmen dry, Carmen naked, Carmen dressed. Actually, more Carmen dressed than one might suppose, because Carmen dressed was, well, there was no one quite like Carmen in Shane's experience. No one who made her heart beat fast, made her breath quicken. Made her chest hurt. Nobody who, whether dressed in Saturday grunge household chores clothes or Saturday night clubbing gear wore her clothes so well. In fact, if anything, Carmen looked her very best in her most casual clothes, raggedy cut-off jeans, a sweatshirt with the sleeves pushed up. Even her fucking Farmer John bib dungarees. How could anyone look so damn ... hot ... in Farmer Johns? It was inexplicable.

And the way she did her hair. It had a sheen, and a smell, faint strawberry. Never mind the hair, it was the way Carmen herself smelled. A trace of vanilla. A little something else ... sandlewood? And the way her hair bounced when she had it up in a ponytail with a scrunchie. Or when it was down, framing her face. It kind of laid alongside her cheeks, and you wanted to brush it back and, and ...

Fuck. You wanted to kiss her. Because of the hair, and the smell, and the eyes, the big brown eyes, because you could just drown in those eyes, how they looked at you. The mouth, lips parted just a little, that expectant smile, the smile of a woman who truly had no freaking idea how gorgeous she was, and what effect she had on Shane, whose pulse raced just thinking about her.

And thinking about Carmen with Jenny. Which was really conflicting, because Shane liked Jenny, was Jenny's friend, and if there were any two people Shane wanted to see happy it would be Carmen and Jenny, only ... not together. Which made Shane feel guilty to not want them together. Because every time she saw Carmen and Jenny, or even just thought about them together, making love, no, not even making love, just the two of them being together in each other's company, even that was painful, because Shane wanted to be the one in Carmen's company, and fuck, it was all so complicated. And worst of all Shane didn't know what to do. It was like a sickness. It was like nothing she'd ever felt before, and she had no fucking idea what to do with any of it.

Miles behind in her processing, all Shane could think to say was, "What's up?"

"I've been thinking about this all day," Carmen said. "Actually for a couple days. Actually, longer than that, even." She took a deep breath. She'd rehearsed this, so it was time to fire away. "Shane, it's ... I feel like there's something going on with you, and I would like to know what it is."

Shane leaned against the counter, the broom still in her hands. The noise in her head was like Niagara Falls, a thundering torrent, a flood. "Look, I just ... Aw, fuck, you know, it's -- it's hard for me ... to have you and Jenny in my face all the time."

Carmen was floored. It was just about the last thing she'd expected. "You're having a hard time with it?"

"You know, I'm happy for you guys. Looks like you two are having a blast together and... that's a very good thing." She turned to look at Carmen, but couldn't quite bring herself to do it. She was having those chest pains again, the ones she didn't understand, the ones that felt like longing, the ones that constricted her throat muscles, made it hard to talk. Shane bowed her head, looked at the floor. She couldn't remember the last time she'd felt this bad, this ... sorry for herself. And this other thing, she didn't even know what the fuck it was.

"Then why would it be so hard for you?" Carmen persisted. She stepped closer to Shane, who wouldn't look up. Please, don't come closer, don't touch me, Shane thought, because if you do I'll come apart. I'll break.

"Shane, I want you to look at me."

Shane raised her head, glanced to the side, but still couldn't look at this woman who made her hurt so much. She sniffled, wiped her nose with the back of her hand. She thought maybe her eyes were getting wet. Allergies, or something. She felt her ears burning. Why would her sternum feel like the world's worst indigestion, why would her ears burn? She couldn't even hear her own thinking inside her head.

"I know how hard you work to distance yourself from everyone else on this planet, and I am sure that deep down, you've got some great reasons why, but it's not working for you anymore," Carmen said.

"It's working fine," Shane said, knowing full well how much it wasn't.

"No, it's not," Carmen said. "It's not, because of this." She picked up Shane's hand and put it over her own heart, and covered Shane's hand with her own. Shane could feel Carmen's heartbeat under her warm, soft breast, the breast she'd loved kissing so much that time a few months ago. The one she still thought about kissing sometimes at night. Okay, most nights.

Then Carmen put her other hand on Shane's chest, over Shane's heart. "Okay?" she whispered. "Because of this right here. Do you feel this? Most people don't have this, Shane. This is rare. This kind of thing just doesn't happen, and I feel this because I see it and I know it," Carmen said.

Shane sniffled, closed her eyes, hoping the pain would stop, but knew it wouldn't. She opened her eyes, and looked at Carmen for the first time. Looked into those big, warm, brown eyes, wet with tears, just like her own.

"So what?" was all Shane could ask. But it wasn't just asking, it was almost like pleading.

"That's right," Carmen said, nodding briskly. "That's right. So what? So what if nothing ever comes out of this? So what if you'll never act on it. You are so convinced that having a relationship with somebody is going to kill you."

"Because it will," Shane whispered.

Carmen nodded again. "And that's why I'm with Jenny. It works because she and I are both biding our time, waiting for the real deal to come along."

Shane was surprised she'd said that. Shocked. "Yeah? You don't think you and Jenny are the real deal?"

"No," Carmen said. "Jenny wouldn't know what the real deal was if it bit her in the ass. She is so ... lost in her own darkness. I think she likes it in there. But do you know what's fucked up, Shane? What's fucked up is that you ... and I ... know what the real deal is. We saw it the first time we laid eyes on each other."

Shane closed her eyes. She sniffled again. She brought her hand away from Carmen's heart, and brushed the corner of her own eyes, but missed the tear that rolled down her cheek. She found herself nodding, yes, some sort of affirmation, but of what? God, she wanted to kiss this woman. And if she did, she knew all would be lost. It would be the end of ... something. The end of her, maybe.

"You're not living your life, Shane," Carmen whispered. "And if you don't take any risks, then you might as well be dead."

Shane stood paralyzed.

"You know that Eagles song, Desperado? Well, that's you, Shane. Every time I play that song when I DJ and somebody asks for it, I think of you. How you better come to your senses. Shane, it's like they wrote that song just for you. You better let somebody love you, before it's too late. Once upon a time, I hoped that would be me you'd let be the one to love you. I really did. But... it didn't happen. And I just don't know why. You wouldn't let me be the one, and I was so ready, believe me I was. And you knew it, you still know it. And so that's why I'm with Jenny. She's fun, she's easy for me to be with. And I'm sorry it's painful for you. You're the one who pushed us together. So tell me, why does Jenny and me being together bother you? Do you even know? Because I know you can't even bring yourself to say the words. And that's fucked up, Shane, it really is. And I don't know what will happen, Jenny and me. I'm gonna try and make it work, Shane. You know why? Because I need to love somebody, and I need them to love me. And, I don't know, maybe she can do what you can't, love me like I want to be loved. And ... and, if that's painful for you to watch, then I'm sorry, I really am. But I just need to let somebody try to love me, Shane, and maybe she can do that. And maybe I can love her the way I'd rather love you."

She leaned forward, kissed Shane chastely on the cheek.

"I've said my piece. Good night," she said, and went out the back door, tears running down her face. Shane watched her go.

***

Jenny knocked on the door of the studio in the back yard, but there was no answer.

"Hey, Mark, I need those Burr Connor DVDs back," she called out, but there was still no answer. Maybe he's asleep, she thought. She knocked harder on the door, and it swung inward a little bit. It hadn't been latched tight. She gently pushed it a few more inches open.

"Hello? Mark?" Nothing. She gingerly pushed the door all the way open and went in. She needed to review those Burr Connor flicks again, because she was now back on the job of interviewing him and helping him write his book, thanks to Charlotte Birch. And now she needed those movies, and couldn't wait. And Mark wasn't home, so what the hell.

She went in and looked around. Unmade bed, but hell, Mark was a guy, so what did she expect. The place was still a helluva lot better than Animal House, after all. Mark might be a guy, but he wasn't a total pig. He even had his moments.

She wandered over to his computer desk and after a minute found the stack of Burr Connor DVDs she'd borrowed from him a few days earlier. When she picked up the tapes she accidentally brushed Mark's computer mouse, and moving it woke up the computer out of sleep mode. And there on the screen was a picture of Shane and Jenny, sitting on their couch the day they'd interviewed him. Across their chests was the title of the movie, A Compendium of Lesbianism, Volume I.

"Oh, shit," Jenny mumbled to herself, feeling the anger rise. She grasped the mouse, and saw the menu bar across the bottom of the screen that started and stopped the movie. She clicked on the "Play" button.

There was some sort of brisk violin music in the background, and then a collage of women's faces, herself, Shane, Carmen, Dana, Alice, some of the girls who been at the apartment she didn't know, including some sort of brown-shirted delivery girl handing a bouquet of flowers to Shane. Then the montage cut away to a view of Mark himself, addressing the camera.

[Cut to Mark's video of himself, interspersed with video he's taken over time of Jenny, Shane, Carmen, and others.]

"Hi. I'm Mark Wayland, and I live in a house with two lesbians."

[A title card appeared: "Wayland Pictures"]

[Cut to: Jenny and Shane sitting on the couch in front of the TV, playfully touching and giggling.]

[Cut to: Jenny, talking to the camera.]

"My name is Jenny Schecter."

[A title card appears with the single word, "presents"]

[Cut to Shane, introducing herself to Mark at that first interview, when he was filming her.]

"I'm Shane."

[Cut to a video Mark made of himself in the house, walking around the house and filming the rooms.]

Mark's voiceover: "And this ... is gonna be a document of my journey."

[Cut to one night, Shane, Jenny and Carmen putting their arms around each other, smiling and smoking a joint.]

[Cut to Mark, sitting in his garage studio, talking to the camera.]

"Initial observations and theories."

[Cut to Jenny sitting on the couch next to Shane.]

"And what makes you think that lesbians don't fuck?"

Shane: "Where do you live, Mark? It's entirely possible."

[Cut to Dana and Alice sitting at the kitchen table.]

"I'm Dana... Fairbanks."

[Cut to another shot of Dana, different time and place.]

"I thought it would totally ruin my career, but it didn't. People thanked me."

[Cut to Mark in the studio.]

"These girls talk about everything."

[Cut to Carmen sitting at the kitchen table.]

"My name is Carmen de la Pica Morales."

[Cut to her again.]

"I was 16 back then, and I fell madly in love with Lucia Torres. She was Pablo Fuentes' girlfriend."

[Cut.]

"You just - you didn't fuck with Pablo's girl. But I did."

[Camera holds on Carmen's proud smile before cutting to Dana and Alice.]

"This is Alice P - uh - Pie -"

Alice: "Pieszecki."

[Cut.]

Alice: "I don't miss it. No. There's ways and things."

[Dana smiles and drops her head in embarrassment.]

[Cut to Mark in the studio.]

"Now, I don't know if that's strictly a lesbian thing, or - or what, but man, these girls are all up in one another's business."

[Cut to Jenny from when she was talking to Bette about Tina.]

"This is so much more complicated than that."

[Cut to Jenny sitting on Shane's lap. They laugh at each other about something.]

[The video freezes on that shot.]

Jenny was furious. "That motherfucker," she said. She stood up angrily, and in so doing knocked over a stack of tapes next to the monitor. Several fell to the floor, and she stooped to pick them up and put them back. The title on one tape caught her eye. It was labeled "SHANE/CARMEN LOVE CONFESSION." She turned it over in her hand. Just an ordinary black tape, just like any other.

Decisively she sat down at Mark's desk, studied the array of boxes and players and equipment. She found one that looked like a tape player, ejected the tape she'd just watched, and put the new cassette into it. Mark's computer went into automatic "Play" mode. In a moment she was watching Shane and Carmen talking in the kitchen.

"Actually, longer than that, even," Carmen was saying. "Shane, it's ... I feel like there's something going on with you, and I would like to know what it is."

"Look, I just ... Aw, fuck, you know, it's - it's hard for me ... to have you and Jenny in my face all the time," Shane had replied.

Jenny sat transfixed. She realized there was no way Mark was in the room filming this. This had to be coming from a hidden camera. They didn't know they were being filmed.

"It's not, because of this," Carmen was saying. Jenny watched as Carmen took Shane's hand, placed it over her heart. Placed her own hand over Shane's heart. "Okay? Do you feel this? Most people don't have this. This is rare."

Oh. My. God.

"That's right. So what? So what if nothing ever comes out of this? So what if you'll never act on it? You are so convinced that having a relationship with somebody is going to kill you."

"Because it will." Jenny could barely hear Shane's whisper.

"And that's why I'm with Jenny. It works because she and I are both biding our time, waiting for the real deal to come along."

The real deal. No, Jenny had to admit, this wasn't the real deal, this thing with Carmen. It was fun. The sex was great. But ... no. Carmen was right. Still, it hurt to hear it.

"Jenny wouldn't know what the real deal was if it bit her in the ass. She is so ... lost in her own darkness. I think she likes it in there. But do you know what's fucked up, Shane? What's fucked up is that you ... and I ... know what the real deal is. We saw it the first time we laid eyes on each other."

Jenny felt a hollowness in her chest. And at the same time she recognized something she'd always known: That Carmen and Shane loved each other, and that Shane simply couldn't admit it to herself, couldn't deal with it.

"Once upon a time, I hoped that would be me. I really did. But ... it didn't happen. And I just don't know why. You wouldn't let me be the one, and I was so ready, believe me I was. And you knew it, you still know it. And so that's why I'm with Jenny. She's fun, she's easy for me to be with. And I'm sorry it's painful for you. You're the one who pushed us together. So tell me, why does Jenny and me being together bother you? Do you even know?"

Jenny felt her throat constrict, and a tear ran down her face. Jenny knew the answer.

"I don't know what will happen, Jenny and me. I'm gonna try and make it work, Shane. You know why? Because I need to love somebody, and I need them to love me. And, I don't know, maybe she can do what you can't, love me like I want to be loved. And ... and, if that's painful for you to watch, then I'm sorry, I really am. But I just need to let somebody try to love me, Shane, and maybe she can do that. And maybe I can love her the way I'd rather love you."

After a moment, the tape went blank. Jenny wiped away tears. Then pushed the rewind button and replayed the tape. She played it three more times. Then she pushed the "Eject" button, put the tape on top of the Burr Connor videos, and left the studio with them, closing the door quietly behind her.

***

The young woman -- a film major from Arizona named Vanessa -- turned over, buried her face in Mark's back, and draped an arm over him. He lay on his back, blissfully asleep until that moment, and woke up only very briefly. He went back to sleep almost right away, with only a faint, faint message buzzing at the back of his consciousness that something was wrong.