Should I Fall out of Love? Ch. 01

"If it's really that bad, we can take my car," I said strapping on my seatbelt.

Jeremy put the car in gear, and pulled away from the curb. "No. I'm just being dramatic to prove a point."

"Well, that's good to know," I replied.

"Nelson is in pretty good shape," Jeremy said.

"Nelson?" I asked.

"That's what Greg named the mustang," Jeremy said, coming to a stop at a red light. "Greg said that he never takes rides from strangers."

We were quiet for a few seconds, until I replied, "What a dork."

We looked at one another for a couple of seconds, and started laughing.

"Yes, he is," Jeremy said. "But he had had worse names for it. I thought for a while he was actually going to call the damned thing The Thunderfuck. So, Nelson isn't so bad."

"It was the name of George Washington's horse," I said, feeling I may have just killed the conversation with useless trivia.

"What, Nelson?" Jeremy asked.

I shook my head. "Well, it sure wasn't Thunderfuck."

"That's pretty cool though," Jeremy said. "I'll tell Greg, though I'm sure I'll have to remind him who Washington was. It's been some years since he's been in a classroom, or even experienced anything academic."

"Just tell Greg he was an outlaw from the wild west," I said. "See how far you can take it."

"Sounds like a good idea," Jeremy said. "I'll let you know how it works out."

I looked out the window, at the traffic and buildings we passed along the way. Paulie did not have a driver's license or car, so I drove literally a hundred percent of the time. There was two—maybe three times—I was a passenger the last six months. It was nice to sit back while in motion, without having to concentrate on the car and road. Occasionally, I would stare at Jeremy's reflection in the window. I wanted to look at him without him knowing—though I am pretty certain he knew. I sat there, and started thinking thoughts two hours ago were impossible ponder. I began to wonder what it would be like to have Jeremy as a boyfriend. Since leaving the awkward and sexually tense confines of our house, I had started to relax, and was glad that me and Jeremy were getting along. I found myself wanting to get along with him—very badly. More than anything, I was curious as to how this night was going to proceed. And that in and of itself made Jeremy's coming worth it.

For a long time, my life had zero curiosity. I could have written a journal months in advance, and would have been shockingly accurate. My life had become a boring cycle of work and sleep. Much of my free time was dedicated to reading, and the occasional dip into Netflix. I did not realize until that car ride how void my life was of unknowns. I had not experienced wonder in years. And I found it worse than being blind. At least with blindness, the other senses will compensate. Lack of wonder was like the death of imagination. Up until that car ride, I did not realize just how much of me had died. The death may have well been total—I did not know just how close I had gotten. And of course, I treated this new found wonder as an indulgence. I wondered just how far Jeremy was willing to take things. I began to wonder how far I would allow them to go, and how fast it would take to get there. I wondered.