Sidechain

"Doin' good. Bars doin good."

"And, um..." Vivian snapped her fingers twice. "Eve? Eva? Iva?"

"It's Zane now," Lucia said, raising her eyebrows and staring at the floor a few feet in front of her. "'bout a month ago. New name. New pronouns. I mean, it's not like it was out of the blue. I think Helen saw it coming before I did, but it's tough. She got real mad at me yesterday for—"

"He," Vivian said, gently. "Or, they maybe?"

"Ah shit. It's instinct. Changing instincts is tough." Then she scrunched up her face and shook her head. "He. Sorry. I'm stalling. I, uh..." She held out her hand, gesturing, and said, "Taylor? Our bassist? She's, uh... pregnant?"

"Are you asking me?" Vivian said, brow furrowed.

Lucia chuckled and shook her head. "No, I just... Nevermind. She's pregnant. It's exciting. Anyway, she's not due for another few weeks, and she'd been planning on playing right up until the day, but, uh... her gyno put her on bed rest."

"Oh shit, is she okay?"

"She's fine. Baby's fine, but, uh... We're in kind of a tough spot. It's not the end of the world," she added, rushing the words out and using her hands to make some kind of calming gesture that Vivian didn't think was strictly necessary. "If we've gotta cancel some shows, we cancel some shows, but they were hoping, uh... the others wanted me to..." Then she stopped and shook her head. "I thought of you. I was wondering if you could fill in for some shows. Wanted to fill in."

"With Graviton? Singing and playing bass?"

"Or guitar," Lucia offered, excitedly. "Gene said he'd switch. He's prepared to low end it. I noticed you're doing more with the six string in your other, non-electronica shows... but... yeah. It wouldn't be permanent. Gene and Taylor are together, and Taylor is ride-or-die about getting back on stage, but... Yeah, for a couple months? Maybe six months, depending on how her recovery goes? Some shows here and there. Whatever you... Wow, I am talking a lot."

"It's okay," Vivian said, shrugging very mildly. "I have that effect. When people talk to me, they keep looking for some kind of reaction, and when they don't get it they think they just haven't communicated clearly enough so they babble. It happens a lot."

"That's exactly what I was doing," Lucia said, eyes wide with wonder. "Listen, I would have called earlier, because we got the news this morning, but I really felt like I needed to come and do this face to face. But also..." She bit her lip. "We have a show tomorrow night. That's not a lot of notice."

Tha answer came faster, and more firmly, than she would have expected. "Yes. I'll do it." She almost couldn't believe the bodily reaction, the sensation, that accompanied saying yes. Thoughts racing. Would she use her Gibson? The Jackson? The PRS? She was pretty sure Graviton used Marshalls, so she'd have to change out almost all of her usual pedals, but that was fine. She had options.

It was exciting, and because Vivian was the kind of person who often lived in her head, she was very aware of all the ways in which her body had reacted. Shifted stance. Neck extended. Eyes wide. Hands moving. These were things she would sometimes do on purpose, to affect the enthusiasm that others were expecting, and not normally things that she did simply because she was excited.

Delia could elicit this reaction from her naturally, and Tiffany as well if they got into a music discussion, but really no one else.

And then Vivian realized she was going to have to explain this to Delia, and her stomach sank a little.

***

Vivian held the door open for Delia, and then Tiffany, as the three of them slipped through the door at Helen's bar.

"This is so cool," Tiffany said, eyes wide with excitement. "My first concert!"

"And your first time in a bar," Vivian said, smirking, "but let's not focus on that. Graviton is a little different from what we've been playing, but I think you'll dig it!"

"Hey!" came a cry from the small stage on the far side of the room. On nights when there wasn't a show, the slightly elevated stage got a few tables and chairs put on it, but it was chock full of gear in a way that made Vivian's heart leap. "You made it!"

She waved as Lucia came bounding off the stage toward her. Delia took a half step back, partially behind Tiffany.

"Are you all staying for the show?"

"Yeah!" Tiffany said. Behind her, Delia smiled a very tight smile.

"Perfect," Lucia said, excitedly. She leaned forward to meet Tiffany's eyes on an even level. "You know what? See that empty booth back there, by the window, that's up a little higher? It's got that step up? That's one of the best places to watch in the whole house. You can see everything, even if the people in front of you are tall."

Tiffany had already half turned back to Delia, puppy dog eyes set to stun, but before she could get far enough to ask if that was okay, Lucia added, "Also, we might need some help in about thirty minutes for the soundcheck. Do you think you'll be able to help out?"

"Yeah!" Tiffany blurted.

"Great," Lucia said, standing back up and slapping Vivian's upper arm. "Is your gear out back?"

"Yeah. Yeah, we parked..." She trailed off when she realized what she was about to say was redundant, and strode after the little Latina. When they got outside, into the evening air, she said, "Listen, I'm really sorry, but I was only able to learn six of the songs you sent me."

"You learned six in one day!" she said, excitedly, as she popped open the trunk and grabbed Vivian's guitar case. "Lyrics and all? That's awesome!"

"What?" she said, bewildered. "No. It's not even half a set."

"It's plenty," Lucia said, reassuring her with a warm smile that pulled her face in directions Vivian was so unused to. "More than enough."

"But..." Vivian grabbed the bag with her pedals and cables, and followed her inside.

"Which ones did you learn?"

"Julia, The Devil You Know, Aim For The Head, Teenager, Midnight Run, and One."

"That's awesome," said a man from beside her, as she came around the corner. She was pretty sure his real name was Richard, but Graviton's drummer went by Beanie. "Honestly, all you needed to get was Julia, Aim For The Head, and One, and that would have been enough."

"Yeah," Lucia said. "We'll just fill in with covers. How do you assholes feel about playing some fucking Veruca Salt tonight?"

"I'm feelin' it," Beanie said, confidently.

"Yeah, but..." Vivian groaned. "You could have learned all thirty three songs in one day."

Beanie scoffed, and he was joined by Graviton's other member, their rhythm guitarist-turned-bassist Gene. "That's because Lucy's a savant."

"Eighty two, eighty two, eighty two," Lucia said, looking frantically at the ground.

When Vivian just stared at them, Gene did something between an eye roll and an apologetic shake of his head, and said, "Matchsticks. It's a line from Rainman."

"Two hundred and forty-six total!"

Vivian watched the three of them share a laugh, and retreated into her head for a moment. This was what it was like to be in a band.

It was sort of like being in a relationship, with its own connective tissue, and points of reference. Vivian had almost forgotten. It had been an entire lifetime since she'd shared that kind of bond with anyone, and a long time since she'd spent a lot of time with any of the bands she'd known then. For years, it had just been her and Delia, which was amazing, but she watched this nonsense scene unfold and felt the loss just as much as the inclusion, like sitting equidistant between a log fire and an air conditioner.

As far as she knew, Graviton had never toured the way Insanity Hall had. Probably because Graviton didn't have an insatiable social climber like Kevin Van Nuys as their frontman, spokesman, and band leader. Kevin had pushed both Lucia and Vivian for more: more music, more tours, more fans, more fame. Instead, Graviton seemed to putter along much like she herself did. Get some gigs here and there, play this festival or that, and then whatever else suited them. She was pretty sure Taylor was a kindergarten teacher, and Beanie was some kind of plumber.

She couldn't bring herself to envy Lucia over this; Lucia deserved something good. All she could do was enjoy it while it lasted.

The other three kept going, bantering as they got everything lined up, and Vivian took the opportunity to step off to the side. It wasn't hard to find Helen, as the woman wasn't the kind of business owner to lead from an office in the back. When she saw Vivian approaching her, she stood up and squared off.

"Hey," Vivian said, striking what she hoped was a humble posture.

"Hey," Helen replied, distractedly wiping down a wet spot on the countertop.

"Listen, um..." Vivian cleared her throat. "I'm sorry. About... you know... that time I... you know what I mean."

"Okay." Pause. Before Vivian could verbalize the internal groan that was happening, because Helen was giving her nothing in return, Helen put down the rag and said, "I hate this idea. You filling in. You shouldn't be here."

"Oh," Vivian said. "Did Lucia not tell you she wa—"

"Oh, she told me. She's a grown woman, and she's allowed to make her own decisions. I understand her thinking, but it's a bad idea. She's gonna get hurt, and I'm gonna be the one picking up the pieces."

Vivian blinked, and said, "Oh. Glad we sorted that out."

Helen looked past her, over Vivian's shoulder, and her throat tightened. "You don't seem like a bad chick. You used to play here all the time, but... the two of you? It's not gonna end well."

Vivian rapped her knuckle against the bar, and went back to the stage a bit more rattled than she'd been when she went over in the first place.

When she got back to the stage, though. Lucia was grinning. "We've got something special to start us off."

Vivian looked back and forth between her and the other two, but Beanie and Gene only grinned at her as well. "Are you gonna tell me what it is?"

"Trust me," Lucia said. "You're gonna love it."

This did not instill an overlarge amount of confidence in Vivian, and she went through the soundcheck with more nervousness than she'd experienced since the accident. It wasn't stagefright, not like before, but it was definitely something.

Tiffany was pretty enthusiastic about helping with the soundcheck, and then a little less so once Lucia's kid came down to help. Lucia had the two of them running around to different parts of the room to listen to the acoustics while she dialed in the PA (even though Vivian was pretty sure there would have to have been some reliable presets). After that, the last twenty minutes went a little faster. Gene and Lucia were very funny together, though they weren't going out of their way to include her.

Lucia started playing before the house lights went down, before Vivian had a chance to get too nervous that she didn't know what they were starting with, but the Bb major chord the Latina riffed could only have been one thing, fuzzed with that much distortion. Vivian got to play and sing Kids in America, one of the most influential songs of her life, the song that got her into playing bass, and she spent the whole song staring sideways with a confused grin on her face. How did Lucia know? She didn't think she'd ever told her.

By the time the first song ended, the rush had kicked in, and Vivian had such a smile. It tingled all over, a full body high, and Vivian dove in head first. Sweat pouring off her as they launched into Julia, one of Graviton's best. The crowd was a writhing sea of bodies in the dark.

She felt the strain in her throat, and it was amazing. Each grunt, each throaty purr, unleashing her inner goddess. She'd always been able to sing and play, but it hadn't been in the cards until the accident changed everything. Since then, she'd only been performing solo, but the energy of doing it with someone else...

There was really only one someone else. Lucia was right there with her, pounding away at her Les Paul. Frenetic. Intense. Lucia didn't sing. She didn't groan, or grunt. It came out through her fingers. It came out through her sweat. Each moment felt faster than the last, building and building. Lucia's hair clung to her forehead, and her grin got sloppier and sloppier. More one sided. Bouncing around with a freedom and energy Vivian had only guessed she was capable of.

Lucia, fueled by anger, had been a seductively dangerous creature. Fueled by joy, she was something else altogether.

The more they played with each other, the more intense it got. The way Lucia stared back at her. The way she felt it in her core. Lucia's fingers moved faster and faster, working as deftly as she'd ever seen. She'd known Lucia was good, but this was something different. Something better. She had to keep up. She had to reciprocate.

Vivian bared her soul, exposing herself through her Gibson, and through her singing, in ways she didn't even know were possible, as Graviton plowed through song after song. Unrelenting. Keeping her on her toes. Keeping her head spinning. She took everything Lucia threw at her, and she gave it right back.

They blew the roof off...

...and as they ripped through the outro, wrapping up a three song medley of Veruca Salt's Volcano Girls that transitioned seamlessly into Seether in the third verse and, finally, wrapping up with Shutterbug, all songs Vivian had no idea she'd wanted to play live so much but somehow Lucia had, Vivian finally came down off the euphoria enough to look around. Despite being on opposite sides of the room, with a crowd between them that would have made coordinating such a thing impossible, both Delia and Helen had the exact same tense expression.

***

Vivian saw the headlights coming, and she screamed.

***

Vivian stopped playing when she heard the door upstairs. "Hey," she called. "I'll be right up." Her spider sense started tingling, however, when she made it to the third step, and there still hadn't been a response. "Babe?"

"Yeah."

Definitely off. Delia almost always responded in whole sentences.

"I made the stew," she said, as she came up out of the stairs and into the hall. "It should be—Oh."

Delia was sitting on the landing, slipping off her shoes, and it took exactly one second for Vivian to spot the drooping eyelids, and the pinch in her brow, to know what she was looking at.

Vivian had built her life around routines. Schedules. She was meticulous, and that effort paid off by making sure that she was on time wherever she was going, and she always knew where everything was. Her short term memory could be spotty, so the rigor helped. Her dependence on routines, however, meant she struggled with unexpected circumstances. Fortunately, she had a routine for unexpected circumstances.

Step one: are there any safety concerns? Vivian ducked back into the kitchen, and turned off the burner under the stew. Step two: are there any other things that could be cleaned up quickly? Vivian thought about the instruments out downstairs, and brushed them aside. Delia needed her now. Step three: do the thing.

She got alongside Delia, drew one of her arms over her own shoulder, and helped her limp upstairs.

"It's not that bad," Delia said, even though she was leaning on Vivian to get up toward the second floor.

"I know," Vivian said, "but I worry."

Delia just made a small, sad sound.

"When did this start?"

"Just after lunch," her girlfriend replied. "I took something earlier, and I thought it was getting better, but on the ride home it came back."

"I'm glad you weren't driving today," Vivian said.

The shorter brunette gave a mirthless chuckle. "That would have been worse." Delia's adorable little Jeep often sat undriven, except once a week to make sure it didn't rot to nothing in the disconnected garage behind the house. Vivian got her to the side of the bed, and immediately went about undressing her, which drew a very small, pained smile out of Delia. Little by little, she got her girlfriend increasingly naked, until Delia finally slipped beneath the blanket and closed her eyes.

Vivian quickly darted around the room, putting clothes in hampers and shoes in closets, and then stripped down herself to slip under the covers next to her girlfriend. "Did you take anything else?"

Delia made a soft, "mhm," without opening her eyes.

"Hasn't kicked in yet?"

"Mm-mm."

Vivian slid a little closer, slid one arm under Delia's pillow, just above her shoulders, and laid her head down right next to Delia's. Delia leaned into her, snuggling closer, and made a sound somewhere between a purr and a whimper.

"Would it help if I massage your neck a little?"

There was a slow exhale, and Delia's brow came down just a little. "No. Not that kind."

"Oh," Vivian said, reading Delia's pained expression more clearly. Not a regular headache. A migraine. "Can I... help with this one?"

Delia's lips parted, ever so slightly, and pursed, ever so slightly, and Vivian was pretty sure she was about to say no... but she didn't. She didn't say anything for a few seconds, and her lips went back together.

Vivian took that for a yes.

Delia always slept naked, insisting on a nest of heavier pillows, sheets, and weighted blankets. For every little bit that Vivian's hand moved, as she reached down to lay her hand on Delia's belly, Delia turned her head a fraction toward her. Not close enough to kiss, but close enough that she could feel Delia's breath on her cheek. Feeling the breath was important.

Delia's job was hard in a way that Vivian simply couldn't comprehend. There might have been a time, in another life, where getting a nine-to-five could have been in the cards, but even then she wouldn't have picked a career as difficult as nursing. She didn't have the book smarts for it. All the little details. This was not to say that she undervalued how complicated her own gigs were, or that she didn't value herself or her creativity, but Vivian was keenly aware that her part time job as a home health aide was the barest shadow of what Delia did, and it was still almost more than she could process even on a one-on-one setting.

In their years together, Delia had transitioned from being an ICU nurse to an OR nurse. At the same time, Delia had gone back to night school to get her Bachelors in nursing to become an RN. Somewhere between the move and the job change and the evening schooling, Delia had started to get migraines. Bad ones. Knock her out for days, sometimes, which was not something she could afford.

Delia had an amazing bush of pubic hair. Thick and full. It made going down on her a real treat for the senses, because she smelled so strongly, but under other circumstances it was a completely different boon. Vivian had learned, little by little, over the years, how to do it just right. How to get her hand where she could make most of a fist, grabbing and pulling the hair, while keeping her middle finger extended.

Once she got her grip, and Vivian's grip was like iron, Delia rolled onto her side and clamped her legs together. Crossing them at the knee, and trapping Vivian's hand. Her whole core squeezing and compressing, as Vivian pulled and feathered.

Vivian shifted her head on the pillow until their noses were touching. No further. She kept her eyes open, and was able to gage Delia's frown despite the darkness. She could feel the way the pain made Delia's breath come out in strained, halting bursts, warm breath washing over her lips and chin. She very much wanted to go down on Delia—she always wanted to be going down on Delia—but that would have been too much sensation. Too much feeling.

One finger, done gently. A routine honed to perfection.