Sin and Atonement

The next morning I woke up as usual at five sharp with the help of my alarm clock. Armed with tooth brush I ventured out of my room. Normally by that time the plinth area around the well would be clear with mother and sister having taken their bath earlier. But today mother was bathing. My first impulse was to withdraw but I realised that the altered programme was deliberate. I acted as if it was all normal and went on with brushing my teeth. Mother was not crouching with her back towards me as she does when on the occasions I would be soaping her hair during her oil baths. Instead she was facing me but with soap on her face her eyes could not be open. And then she stood up to do her thighs with soap still on her face.

She was a mother of two twenty-year olds but she was still a beauty. Her buttocks were like glass globes and her thighs as smooth as peeled banana tree stems. Her breasts were sagging malgova mangoes. Though she had put on weight she still had a narrow waist. The sight of her in the nude a couple of feet away from me made me hard as rock. I might have had erection problems with sister but none at all with mother. It was then that I studied her vulva.

Sister must have inherited her vulva for mother's was puffy too with a smooth slit and a perceptible clitoral hood. She had shaved smooth. Indian mothers are famous for going to the limits to please their sons but this was way beyond those limits. It was touching.

'Mother," I said, "a chilly wind is blowing here. Wash away the soap we will go to my room and I'll wipe you." There upon she poured the bucket of water over her head. I held her by the arm and dripping water she allowed me to lead her into my room. There I wiped her scalp and face (with eyes now open) and her neck and shoulders and breasts and chest and abdomen. Then I did her thighs and legs. She helpfully lifted one and then the other leg as I wiped them. I then made her turn and did her buttocks and then I came round and went down on my hunches to do the vulva.

With the towel on my palms I cupped the vulva. With my finger lightly gripping the major lips I opened the slit with my thumbs and peered in. It was wet, generously wet. Mother was in a high state of sexual excitement. I took my head forwards and kissed the open slit and then I inserted my long tongue inside and licked the juices. Mother spread her thighs and placing her hands on the back of my head she pressed. We moved to the cot. I lifted mother up and rested her buttocks on the edge of the mattress. I then crouched. Mother had lifted her legs and spread out her thighs. I opened out her vulva to bring the clitoris closer to the surface. The button like tip was turgid. I started licking. I licked the clitoris and the inner lips leading to it. Soon mother was moving her buttocks and moaning. I stopped licking, paused and then swiped the clitoris. Mother had a massive orgasm. For the finale I bit the clitoris with protected teeth. Mother screamed softly.

"Quick," she said between moans, "I can't wait." I pulled her up and soon I was on top of her. She caught my dangling penis and inserted it into her vagina. We were both is such a state of excitement that we climaxed soon after with perfect timing. Soon it was over for me but not for her. I waited for a while and pressed again. Mother moved her pelvis up and down till her G spot made contact. She had another orgasm and then yet another. I lay limp on her totally exhausted. I then rolled over and we held each other in a tight embrace.

"It is time for me to get ready for the factory," she said. We got up. I led her to the well. I poured water as she washed herself. I poured again and she did the needful for my penis and the wet surroundings. I led her by her arm to the room. Meena must have been waiting for when the door opened she held her in and closed the door. I went back and lay down; my legs were too weak to hold me up.

Some time later Meena called me for breakfast.

"It is wonderful. Mother has had he fill," she said.

"How do you know? Did she tell?"

"Better than that. I saw it happening."

"You saw?"

"Why not?" This afternoon you must lick me," she said.

We had it that afternoon and several afternoons after that. I liked it when I am on top. It is delicious face to face with her breasts pressing my chest. But Meena likes it when she is on top. She says she is able to get the right touch and the precise amount of pressure on her G spot when she is on top though that pose is more strenuous. But strangely we soon became less and less enthusiastic about sex. As for Mother we had the second after two weeks and the third after three. That was to be the last.

In the glow of sexual satisfaction the utter heinousness of our actions was not apparent to us in the beginning. But misgivings that what we were indulging in an act that even in animals is taboo were floating all the while under the surface of our consciousness. The hollowness of the arguments that we had advanced rationalizing our actions started popping up in our thoughts with greater and greater frequency. The period of wakefulness just before dawn was when I questioned my actions and it greatly disturbed me. I also found mother brooding at times. One day I asked her what was bothering her. She said our sins will soon catch up with us. Meena was affected; she was no longer bubbly. The tension was building up. It needed but a spark to explode. That came in the form of an innocent letter we received one afternoon.

2

One evening when I came home from my shop mother met me at the door disheveled and staring widely almost as if she had become insane. Meena was laying face down on the sofa. Mother pointed to a letter lying on the table. It was from a marriage broker bringing an offer for Meena. It was a normal and natural thing for brokers to bring marriage offers for eligible girls.

"What reply can we give them?" she said. "What reply can we give them?" she repeated this is time in a screech. "We have made our darling into an object worthy of being spat upon by prostitutes." That I had to admit was the stark reality. "I am not worthy of even that, continued my mother, "I have dishonoured motherhood itself. We have brought a family renowned for respectability for generations to this state. We must do away with ourselves that's the only way we can erase our shame." She was becoming hysterical with every word she uttered. Meena got up. Her eyes were red from crying.

"I am to blame," she said. "I started this horror; I seduced my brother by craft, I almost raped him, and like the devil I put temptation in my mother's way, I do not deserve to live," so saying she ran into her room and closed and latched the door. After banging the door vainly pleading with her to open we broke open the door and entered. Meena was standing on the cot with one end of a sari strung on the electric fan and other looped round her neck. Mother pulled her down in the nick of time. They hugged each other and wailed. Then suddenly a change came over mother.

"All hope is not lost," she said slowly pacing her words. "God can save us still, but first we must obey the shastras. We must not run away like cowards. We must live to atone for our misdeeds. Flesh eating has filled us with animal desires. We must stop that at once." She ran into the kitchen and threw the meat dishes vessel and all into garbage. "Tomorrow we make a pilgrimage to Palani," she said.

Hindus have numerous places for pilgrimage. Banares is the most famous of these but there are others of local importance. The most famous in south India is the hill temple at Palani 130 miles from our town. To gain merit one must walk the distance from home on bare feet. That is what we vowed to do. The three of us attired in ochre cotton clothes started the pilgrimage the day after the letter. We traveled about 15 miles a day walking on bare feet. There are many rest houses for pilgrims on the way. We stayed there for the night and started early in the morning before sunrise to escape the heat of the sun. It took us 12 days to reach Palani. We climbed the steep stone steps to the hill temple. We offered pujas there and had our heads shorn of hair as per custom. In addition we had vowed to circumambulate the temple not by walk but by lying on the stone paved way and rolling along. There were many doing that day and every day. That done we had more pujas and when we came down the hill we felt at peace with ourselves. Meena who had the blank look of a mad woman for the past fortnight was normal again. But her vivaciousness was gone. There was an assured gentleness in her eyes that reminded one of Mother Teresa. It was a remarkable transformation.

Before leaving I had written to the marriage broker that as we were on a vow to visit Palani we can reply only after we have done the pilgrimage. When I wrote to him after the pilgrimage he said that the mother of the boy will be visiting us. This was not only not customary but quite strange; we agreed. The lady came. Though owners of the biggest cloth store in the city she was very simply dressed and wore just a thin chain round her neck. She said she wanted to talk to sister before proceeding further in the proposal. This again was an unusual request. She had a strange story to tell.

She has two children. The first one is the 25 year old boy for whom they were seeking a wife. The second born seven years later is a girl with severe mental disability. She has to have assistance for her every need. Astrologers whom they consulted studied her horoscope and said that the girl was a very distant member of the family who is reborn deformed as punishment for the sins she had committed in her earlier life. Hindus believe in heaven but not in hell. It is their belief that one has to atone for sins during rebirth. There will be many such rebirths depending on the sins committed but eventually everyone will reach heaven. The astrologers said that to be prosperous they should give the best care for the girl. They have been doing it for the past 18 years and as predicted they have become very prosperous. After the mother had passed away the wife of the brother would have to take up the responsibility of looking after the girl. Would my sister agree to that?

I was watching my sister when she asked that question. I knew what her answer will be. My sister smiled; her face glowed when she said, 'I most certainly will.' Thereupon my sister's future mother-in-law held her hand against her bosom, closed her eyes and mumbled a prayer. Her long search has ended. My sister was married a month later. Six months later the mother-in-law paid the ultimate accolade that any daughter-in-law can receive from her mother-in-law. 'Your daughter is God's gift to us,' she wrote. Five months later my sister did more—she presented her family with a boy baby.

My mother and I lead a life so simple that it is not different from that of the very poor in India. As a penance we have discarded mattresses and cushions and sleep on mats on the floor. I married a distant relative girl who became destitute when all the members of her family perished in a train accident. She shares our hardships and our joys. Yes, there is great joy in sharing everything that we can spare after meeting our meager needs to fund the charities that mother and I supervise. We have gained a totally unmerited reputation of being a holy family. Our business is prospering and the more we get the more we give. We hope that we will gain merit in the Almighty's eyes. We cannot escape our unfathomable sins but we hope our good deeds will to some extent mollify the punishment.