Sir Bertrand and the Dragon

"The code?" asked Sir Bertrand, more in resignation than inquisition.

"The code," replied Hubcap.

"You checked in the tavern?"

"I checked in the tavern."

"And I should look after the horses?"

"It would be most helpful if we wish to continue the quest."

"And I can't bin the quest and revel in the good works I've done so far?"

"The code is..."

"Most explicit on this point."

"My lord, your wisdom matches your bravery. The princess is, indeed, a lucky woman."

And with that Sir Bertrand turned and left, stomping over to the horses even as the sounds of giggling increased, mixed with appreciative sighs. To make matters worse there were no more packed lunches, not even of the corned beef kind, and Sir Bertrand spent a cold and hungry night with his cloak stuffed in his ears, though this did little enough to mask the sounds of extreme pleasure not fifty paces hence.

"Why so glum, my lord?" asked Hubcap after they had delivered the satisfied women to the village in the morning, "your quest has been a resounding success. Not even brave Sir Roland managed three heroic deeds in as many days, and today we will reach the dragon's lair and you will complete a fourth."

"As to my mood, Hubcap, you are well aware of the reasons for it. Now, I want to be sure on this last point. Once I rescue the princess I gain the reward, do I not? There is no room for doubt?"

"The code is clear; the knight who rescues a princess from a dragon gets the full works, hand in marriage, half the kingdom, and a BJ that would suck the chrome from a trail-hitch."

"Very well, let us ride," said Sir Bertrand, and if Hubcap had been a little less elated from his night's work he might have noticed an evil smirk on Sir Bertrand's face.

It was again late in the day when our heroes reached the dragon's lair, a network of caves in the Solitary Mountain that rose from a deserted plain. Sir Bertrand and Hubcap spent a little time preparing torches then dove into the cave system, the intrepid (and the, by now, sexually frantic) Sir Bertrand leading, best foot forward.

They passed the bones of previous heroes, picked clean and gleaming in the torchlight. They passed toxic piles of dragon turd, so noxious that they must cover their mouths and noses with their cloaks. They passed piles of golden coins and jewelled cups, and whilst Sir Bertrand ignored base loot, Hubcap could be seen calculating their value and estimating just how much his horse could carry.

Finally they reached a central cavern and there, chained by her ankle to a poor, small bed, was a young woman of such pure, outstanding beauty that she outshone the large pile of gold behind the bed. Sir Bertrand found his mouth watering as he gazed upon her 36C breasts, her legs up to there (highlighted by her tight fitting skirt), her forget-me-not blue eyes, her swan like neck, her...well I could go on but you get the picture. The princess (for it was she), seemed most downcast, her air one of disbelief that she would ever be rescued before the dragon devoured her.

Sir Bertrand stepped forward and his clanking armour attracted her attention. This was the moment, the pay-off.

"Oh, you've finally arrived have you?" began the princess, her tone shrill, "have you any idea how long I've been waiting? And look at this place! There's no bath, no banqueting hall, no opportunity for dancing. I have been here nearly a week, so you certainly took your time, and look at the state of your armour," and it must be said that Hubcap had been neglecting cleaning Sir Bertrand's armour, which was covered in gore and blood from the battle with the Vikings.

"Well, there are going to be some changes, I can tell you," continued the princess, "and there will be no more gallivanting around when you're married to me. You will attend to my needs first and foremost, meeting ambassadors, escorting me to the shops, complimenting me on my choice of shoes, and helping with the redecorating. I like redecorating."

A low, load groan echoed around the dim recesses of the roof of the cavern, and as Sir Bertrand and Hubcap looked closely they saw a sight to wet the pants of lesser men. A series of unfoldings revealed the Boeing sized leathery wings of a dread beast, and a moment later the dragon stepped down into the cavern, his jewelled chest scales glistening and glimmering.

"Please tell me you're the hero," said the dragon, a hopeful tone distinct in his voice.

"Oh, you've woken up have you?" the princess said, accusation in her voice, "you still haven't tidied this place up. Look at that pile of gold! Just lying around when it could be spent on some improving tapestries to hang on the bare stone walls. And look at this bed! I'm a princess not a peasant. I don't know about feeling a pea through this mattress, for I can feel every wooden slat that holds what you laughingly describe as a 'comfortable but economically priced sleeping pad' in this... this... narrow and undecorated bed. Have you no conception of who I am?"

Sir Bertrand met the eye of the dragon and felt a new sensation; sympathy for a foe.

"And you haven't thought to buy any better wine, have you? I suppose I must make do with that third-rate muck you bought from your friend because he works in the trade and got you a discount. Ah me, well, I am thirsty and I do so want refreshment as I watch my brave hero slaughter you and carry me back to the castle, where he will install several new sets of shelves for the ones I have are so last year. Phillipa! Phillipa!"

And at that a shy but deeply attractive young woman appeared from the shadows carrying a jug of wine. Sir Bertrand felt Hubcap quiver at the sight of her, her dark hair plaited and hanging down to her narrow waist, her dark eyes burning with wit.

"So, you are going to rescue her, aren't you? Please?" said the dragon, and Sir Bertrand felt for him. A week with this princess would drive the strongest of beasts totally up the wall.

"Err," said Sir Bertrand, "I know that this... fine, young example of privileged womanhood will be rescued. And I have a plan. Hubcap!"

Sir Bertrand and Hubcap retreated to a corner of the cave.

"Hubcap, it is time for a serious conversation."

"My lord?"

"Hubcap, you have presented yourself as my faithful squire, but honestly, that's a crock! I checked the code you keep referring to whilst you were disporting yourself last night and the bloody ink was still wet!"

"My lord, I... I..."

"Can it, Hubcap! I know the truth. However, you have accompanied me on this quest, and now we are at the moment of success it is right and fitting that you receive a reward too. Kneel!"

"Errr..."

"Kneel!" And Sir Bertrand seemed to wax large in his controlled anger. Hubcap dared not gainsay him, and sank to his knees in front of the furious knight.

"On the night before battle it is customary for worthy squires to be knighted, lest they die bereft of the honour of chivalry. This promises to be one hell of a battle, and I would not have you die without a requisite honour, therefore..." And here Sir Bertrand drew his sword and touched Hubcap's shoulders with the blade, "I dub you, Sir Hubcap."

Sir Bertrand walked back into the centre of the cavern, the dragon looking hopefully at him.

"Dragon, I am indeed a knight pursuivant, but I am accompanied by a man who has shared my dangers, and whose shoulders have now felt the accolade of knighthood. As a singular mark of respect towards my former squire I give him the honour of rescuing the princess and the rewards that come with it."

"Me! You can't do..." stuttered Sir Hubcap.

"Oh, but I can. The code is quite explicit, I believe. So... go to it!" And with that Sir Bertrand grabbed Phillipa's hand and led her from the cavern, whispering endearments in her ear as she smiled and blushed, happy in the knowledge that she had been rescued from her own 'fate worse than death'; that of Lady-in-Waiting for life to the princess.

"Well, get on with it then! The walls back at the castle won't paint themselves," said the princess, and Sir Hubcap had a terrifying premonition about the rest of his life. Shakily, he drew his sword, and most unwilling, he advanced on the dragon, praying for death.

"Well done, you've beaten me, now take that bloody woman away. Me? I'm off to the next kingdom!" said the dragon, and in a flash he disappeared down a dark tunnel.

"So, are you going to unchain me or are you going to stand there all night looking like a stuffed haddock? And where did that foolish girl of mine go?" said the princess impatiently. Sir Hubcap felt his feet stumbling towards the bed, doom overpowering him, and he knew he couldn't resist; it was the Code.

Sir Bertrand took Phillipa back to his castle and there they enjoyed rampant sex in every room. He thrust his knightly cock into her in the solar, the buttery, the great hall, and his favourite, on his own soft, comfortable four poster bed. And on special occasions Phillipa made him tie her to the bed so that he could 'rescue' her once more, but not before he had ravished her first. And he never went questing again.

And so they lived happily ever after... well, all except for Sir Hubcap, who became intimately acquainted with flat-pack furniture and the multitude of different brands of shoes that the princess loved so. And sadly for Sir Hubcap, though gorgeous, she had both an aversion to sex ("Yuk! All that squelching? We did that three months ago, and it's another three months before I need submit to your filthy groping again"), and an eagle eye to watch over the morals of her maids and ladies.