Skype Disaster Pt. 01

Either I'm getting careless or someone is trying to tell me something. Having been discovered wearing suspenders at a trade show, this morning I was working in my own office which is in a building of rented offices, where most people work alone. I am able to lock my door and often dress and work as the real me, Georgia. This is also where I keep all of my clothes, makeup and so on.

I spend a lot of the day on Skype as it's very cheap and I'm able to screen share. Usually I don't put my camera on but yesterday I was Skyping a friend in California and had my camera on, and forgot to switch it off when the call finished.

This morning first thing a regular client Skyped me to discuss some drawings I had sent to him. The conversation started out normally but after a couple of minutes he asked if he could ask me a question. It seemed a strange request as he was always asking questions. "Sure," I said, "Ask away," wondering what the heck he was going to ask.

"Are you changing sex?" he asked.

My heart almost stopped and glancing down I realised that my camera was on. I blushed and my throat went dry. "Ah, well, it's a long story," was all I could come up with. I mean, how does one explain away appearing completely female, lovely pale pink cardigan, pink strapless tee, full makeup, jewellery, earrings, long hair, whilst being called a male name, and always having appearing male in previous meetings?

"I just wondered," he said, "It's just that I've never seen you ... as ... as a woman before." This was a fair comment given the circumstances I thought, still frozen with fear.

I was left with no option other than to try to explain to him my circumstances, whist also wondering if I was just about to lose a very good client.

"OK. I'll try to explain," I said, and so I went on to tell him that I was gender dysphoric, including what that involved at my girly level. He listened and watched intently at this woman who he thought was a guy, flicking her hair, blushing, wiping a tear away, and generally feeling quite awkward, to say the least. For my part I had never had this conversation with anyone except a few anonymous people in an internet chat room.

He seemed to be attentive and once I had finished and dug my hole as deep as it was possible, I simply said, "So, what do you think?" Which wasn't a great question to ask as it demanded from him an opinion that he might not have reached just yet.

"Well," he said after a few moments deliberation, "firstly, I would never have guessed, except that in hindsight, I have always found you really easy, and if I may say so, quite lovely to deal with over the vary many years that we have worked together." As I wasn't sure what to expect, you could have knocked me over with a feather. I have known him for almost 20 years.

"And by the way," he went on, "when you first answered my call I thought you were a PA or something. It was only when you started to talk to me that it became clear who you were. You. Peter. I recognised your voice. I have to admit I was taken aback."

I nodded, unable to speak, with a throat that was crying out for water.

"Secondly," he said, "you look really amazing. I mean really feminine, like a real woman, if you know what I mean, or something. Actually I'm not sure what I should or can say. But if I passed you in the street I wouldn't have recognised you. That's a stupid thing to say isn't it? Actually I may have looked around to take another look. Oh. I probably shouldn't have said that. I'm just embarrassing myself." That was enough to make me laugh and it did help break the ice a little.

We chatted a bit more and I told him what it was like to be in hiding. He apologised for everything he had said and was gentlemanly enough to say that it would not affect how we do business, provided that I was happy to continue. He promised to keep my secret, and I was seriously relieved. Besides, he was my best client, and I relied on the income he generated.

I asked if I could call him back to finish our conversation and he was very gracious. I went to the bathroom and sorted myself out, had a very strong coffee and repaired my makeup from my tears. After much deliberation and a need to close out some design issues I called him back but wondered if I should leave the camera on as I usually didn't use it. But I thought it ridiculous not to, given the circumstances.

"Hi," he said, "I'm really sorry I upset you. If you want to carry on without video please feel free, but somehow it's nicer to have it on, now that I know a bit more about you, about Georgia I mean".

I explained that I didn't dress every day as sometimes I would have visitors to the office, and so probably for about half our discussions he would face my male persona. He laughed and said that many of the people he dealt with had two faces. I was pleased that he could make light of it and it helped relax me.

We continued to talk through the drawings although I have to say that my attention wasn't up to my usual standard and after a short while he asked "Look, when you are dressed, should I call you Georgia? It's just that it would seem very strange to call you Peter if you looked like Georgia. I mean if you were Georgia. I mean dressed as Georgia. Fuck, this doesn't need to be this complicated!"

"I have to say that this question caught me by surprise. I had never been in such a position where someone I was talking to knew both my names! "Yes, sure, why not? That would be fine; good actually," and shortly afterwards we finished our call.

I haven't heard from him again today, and I am travelling all of tomorrow but I wonder what may be said when we Skype again on Friday, and if it will be a drab or dress day.

5 hours later I am still in shock and my heart rate hasn't returned to normal, but I am also excited as, in a way, suddenly I am "out" to someone who isn't either also a TGirl or an anonymous admirer on the web. I wondered if this would turn out to be a good, or a bad thing.

And so today Friday arrived and once at my office I could not decide whether to dress or not. In fact, mulling everything over yesterday having spent many hours on trains, I even considered purging everything and putting Georgia away, for ever. But having done this several times over the years I now know that it isn't a solution. Georgia always reappears, and the older she gets, the quicker the reappearance. All in all, yesterday was a depressing day, I thought, and it was good to be back in the office.

Eventually I decided just to put on some lingerie under my male clothes, some hold-ups and heels and set to work sorting out my expenses and writing up some notes.

It's fair to say that I felt flat this morning. Very flat and grateful the weekend is ahead.

Tim, my client, called at 10am and I picked up as usual but this time with the camera on. He apologised again and didn't remark about my appearance, but he had obviously done some homework on my "condition". He said that he hadn't realised so many people suffer from gender dysphoria, and also didn't know that there were so many different types of trannies as he called them. He admitted that he previously viewed them with a fair degree of disdain and realised that this wasn't very fair. He kept apologising and I told him not to worry about it. He was clearly in good humour though and so we dealt with the few work issues that he had called about and after a while I felt a lot better. Back to normal.

Tim was a real gent, as I already knew him to be, I guess, and clearly he still had things to say on the matter. "Look," he said, "I don't want to interfere with your life, but I know how important this is to you. It must be at the back of your mind every minute of the day, more or less. If there is anything that I can do to make life easier or even better for you then believe me, I'll do whatever it takes. We have known each other for a long time. I consider you a friend rather than a contractor, as you know, and actually, I can't believe that I didn't have any idea you had an alter ego sort of thing going on." He laughed. "I'm still not sure how to think of this and so if I say something that you find non PC, or that upsets you, you must tell me." As I started to speak he interrupted me and went on "Clearly you are a happier person when you are Georgia. You told me so. You feel that she represents the real you and so, if you'd like to, if you feel comfortable I think whenever you are dressed in the office, or, actually, even if you are not, I am very happy to call you Georgia and also very pleased to have cameras on when we talk."

I was taken aback, and realised that all of my concerns about losing a client, and good friend, are not warranted. "Tim," I said, "I think that is one of the nicest, no, it is THE nicest thing anyone has said to me, or offered me before, and it touches my soul. It's something I will think about, if you don't mind."

"Of course," he replied, "absolutely, although it may take me a while to get used to it, and maybe it will be strange for you too, especially when you are not dressed as Georgia. I'm not sure how this works in your mind. It's really complicated, isn't it?"

I laughed and agreed. "It can be. But the reality is that I feel like me all of the time, but most of the time I am unable to express it. Wearing anything associated with being female just seems to rest my mind. It relaxes me somehow, although I can't really explain how, or why. It's partly just me expressing my feminine side, and wearing anything that people associate with a female helps somehow. In fact, most of the time I am at work, even when in guy mode, like today, I am usually wearing something feminine whether it is underwear, knee highs and heels, or even just some jewellery like some bangles. So it wouldn't seem strange except that you will be the only person to talk to me in that way. I mean to talk to me as Georgia. Maybe I'll drop you an email about all of this."

Tim smiled and just said "Great. Let's see how it goes and I will fit in with whatever you want to do. You have a really great weekend, Georgia." And with that he rang off.

After a few seconds of thought I realised that things were going to be OK, and certainly it had lifted my spirits. I was happy with the outcome and it will be interesting to see how it pans out. Georgia's secret is still safe, I thought.

I have worked with a transsexual before and we never said anything about it at all. I don't even know if she knew I knew, but it takes one to know one sometimes. She wore some fabulous shoes which I would often remark on. Maybe she knew I was trans, who knows. But I always thought how brave she was to have made that step, and wondered too if one day I could come out in my work environment. I used to imagine turning up at work one day as Georgia, the new MD, and carrying on with my business as if nothing had changed. It used to make me smile as I pre-guessed what different people would say, and how they might react. I suspected that I would have more visitors to my office in the following days than usual though!

Yesterday, sitting in my meeting as a specialist in my subject area, I wondered what it would be like if I was Georgia in that same meeting. How would it change? Would I be regarded with the same level of respect? Would the dynamics of the meeting change? After all, I would, more often than not, be the only female sitting at the table. But I go home tonight happy that life goes on and that now, maybe, Georgia has a friend that she can confide in. It has been a good day.

Over the weekend I thought more about the events of the previous week. The more I thought about it, the more convinced I became. It's bound to change the relationship we have. I have read lots of stories written by women who have transitioned in the working environment and half of those stories didn't end up well and whilst this isn't quite the same, it worried me.

Skype with Tim might be OK, I thought, but what when we meet face to face? Lots of different scenarios went around and around in my head until I was dizzy.

He will always wonder what I have on under my clothes. He's a guy. That's what guys do. I would, if I were him I concluded. I wondered how will it would be if he calls me Georgia when we meet in person. We often meet with others, so that can't happen. That had better not happen. Life as Georgia has always been complicated, and now I was convincing myself that it was about to get more so.

Tim didn't Skype me Monday or Tuesday and I was beginning to worry that my unfortunate accidental exposure had, after all, caused a problem, despite his reassurances. But this morning, Wednesday, he called, and whilst I was much relieved my heart rate instantly shot up. I picked up the call with video off without really thinking why but unusually he had his switched on.

"Hi Georgia, sorry I disappeared for a few days but I had some stuff at home to deal with. Are you good today? I thought I might have had an email from you over the weekend."

I had said that I'd probably email him but after much thought and worry I really couldn't think of what to say. He obviously had expected one and now I felt awkward. "Hi Tim, yes, I'm great thanks. I had wondered what had happened to you as we have a lot of ground to cover if we are to get these drawings out by Friday. Oh, and sorry I didn't email you. I wasn't sure what to say, actually." I said, simultaneously thinking what a feeble excuse that was.

"No problem Georgia. Don't worry about it," he said. I was, of course. I had worried about it the whole weekend and was now worrying again.

Tim was a few years younger than me. A smart casual dresser. Usually chinos, open neck shirt and a jacket of some sort. His shoes were always well polished. Today he was in a business shirt designed for a tie, light blue stripes. For the first time I noticed he is quite handsome, always clean shaven.

"Would you like to share your camera?" he asked, out of the blue.

"Of course. Sorry. How rude of me." I said. It is considered polite to have your own camera on when a someone else calls with theirs on. Or that's what I have always thought.

"That's better," he said, "I don't know why we normally had cameras off."

We usually screen share," I replied, "so most of the time all we see is a desktop, and besides, the system crashes less often with video switched off."

He laughed. "You're looking good this morning Georgia. But you should smile more, like you usually do."

Clearly he didn't know how nervous I was. "Thanks," I replied, "It's nice of you to say. I will smile more once I get used to it. To this I mean. To talking to you like this. You know what I mean!"

He laughed again and we chatted around the subject until I had relaxed. After almost an hour doing work stuff we were about to sign off when he asked "Are you coming up for the review meeting on Friday?"

I had completely forgotten that it had been brought forward a week as I hadn't put the new date in my calendar. "Oh shit, I haven't made any plans after it was changed. I'll have to reschedule my hotel and let you know if that's OK? Is it in Salisbury this time?"

"Yes, it is," he said, "Usual venue. It's optional but it would be good if you could make it."

"I'll drop you an email as soon as possible." I replied and just as we signed off I wasn't sure, but I think he may have blown me a kiss. I wasn't really concentrating so probably mistook it, I thought.

I was relieved, and pleased after his call. He hadn't disappeared, but how could he, we are in the middle of a project. He was in good humour and not awkward with me. And he didn't remark too much about what I was wearing, which I took as a good sign, without actually knowing why. I'm unusually girly today. Dusky pink fluffy sweater which feels fantastic to wear and matching lippy. Dangly earrings and matching necklace. Today was a good day.

Our review meetings start early and so I always have to travel up the night before if I am to avoid a 4am alarm. I had forgotten the date change and so set about changing my hotel date. It was to be a key meeting, I thought, and so I really need to go.

So. Hotel changed and I have emailed a confirmation to Tim and also to remind him that he should not call me Georgia in the meeting, and remember not to refer to me as Georgia if he refers to me in conversations. I knew this was going to be complicated and, frankly, was wondering whether to ask him to forget Georgia ever existed. With that spinning about in my head I was still worrying about how our first face to face will turn out! I was hoping that nothing would be said.

More in Pt 2