Stacey's Story

Paula's confession however did affect me and while I had no comparable war stories to tell I did have other things I needed to get off my chest.

Prior that day I'd harboured doubts about the Christian faith, it's a natural consequence of being exposed to different belief systems. You might resist at first but then you'll find yourself adapting to the new ideas and ever since nursing college I'd been exposed to atheists, agnostics, and people from other faiths who believed quite solemnly that their faith had the monopoly on truth. That had led to the inevitable question, what is truth? Every Christian denomination and branch claims to be the enlightened ones, and the others are only seeing through a glass darkly to quote a bible verse, and that afternoon I finally let it all out. I started out feeling angry, resentful, hurt but after a few hours I felt a mixture of relief and fear. Was God really so forgiving that he would overlook my doubts or had he already turned his back on me?

Paula sat and listened to me without interrupting and by the end I felt drained. There were times I thought Paula might disagree or even reject my opinion but instead there was just the warmth of a friend. I'd been given a taste of the real world when I was in nursing college but then I was back at home under mum's protective wings. However far from feeling protected I'd felt stifled and claustrophobic to a much more heightened level. That night as I lay in bed staring at the ceiling I felt as if I'd wakened from a dream, it was also the first time I masturbated, and the images that filled my head were of women. In the afterglow I remember looking at the clock and trying to fit this new experience into my fracturing Christian faith and failing in the attempt.

The following day was a little weird because mum rang to say she'd like to come around to see me about something, she was evasive over the phone but I agreed, I had a day off, Caroline was at her TAFE course and Paula was in bed.

When mum came around she looked a little nervous. She had been thinking about Caroline coming out and was worried that this kind of thing might be infectious. I smiled and told her that it couldn't be passed on by sneezing, but then she started talking about this friend of hers who had sex with a woman when she was younger. It was the first time she'd ever admitted to knowing a lesbian but judging by the tone and in light of the rather illuminating conversation I'd had with Paula the previous day I came to a startling conclusion. My mother had experimented with lesbian sex, her 'friend' was a code name for herself and yet I didn't make the mistake of outing her. Afterwards when Paula was having her first cup of coffee and running a hair brush through her wet hair I did relay the story about mum's gay 'friend.'

"It probably happened just the way you thought," Paula mused, "I mean I was drunk at the time and when you're drunk or under the influence of some drug then you'll do things you never thought you'd do. It might explain her fear of homosexuality, she's ashamed of what she did and fears that someone might out her."

"I was tempted," I replied, "but I didn't want to tempt fate, she's been quite placid lately but still waters run deep."

"Tell me something," Paula looked at me. "Do you ever think about doing it with a woman?"

"Me?" I put my hand to my throat, "um, no."

"Imagine in your wildest fantasies that some famous actress has the hots for you, who would be your gay crush?"

"Pippa from Neighbours."

"Gee, that was quick, mine is Emma Watson or Angelina Jolie."

"So what does that make me, a curious straight?"

"It makes you normal," she replied, "one of the things that impresses me about Tess is the fact that she doesn't have the need to shout it from the rooftops, she's gay and she just goes about her day to day business without a care in the world."

"So what are you saying?"

"Just that sexuality and sexual orientation is more fluid than we thought. Go back a few hundred years when IVF was unheard of, if you wanted to make a baby you needed a man and a woman, but if you just wanted company then what did it matter? We've made it such a big thing with coming out and our own personal identity that I think we've lost some of the magic. I mean I had sex with a prostitute in Berlin and the walls didn't come down. I kind of looked at Jackie in a different light but she was with someone and I wasn't about to come between them. I realised that sex with a woman was just another way of loving."

"That sounds too airy fairy," I frowned, "does that mean if some guy catches Tess's eye that she'll be with him instead?"

"Possibly but with Tess I think she's accepted that she finds women more attractive than men, but the point I'm making is that it's all about love, not identity. Politicising something is almost always a bad idea, take it from someone who's lived in the Middle East."

Still it was a leap to go from that conversation to a week later when I wore that blouse for the first time and as fate would have it, Paula had Sunday off. She rarely had Sundays off because one of her colleagues was also a Christian and she and Paula had an ongoing arrangement to switch shifts, but that Sunday, Mandy decided to work instead of going to church. The curious thing is that Paula was taken by surprise.

"Mandy is very enthusiastic about her Christianity," she tucked the blouse into her skirt, "not that I'm bothered by it but she just told me that it was time I had a day off work," she frowned and turned her back to me.

"I think I'm stuck."

Her zipper was caught on her blouse and I reached out to work it free.

"So, what are your plans for the day?"

"Um, I was thinking of going to the Baptist church," I finally managed to work the fastener free and pulled the zipper down, "why don't you come with me?"

I grasped the skirt and pulled it out a little as I pulled the zipper up.

"What, like a date?" Paula glanced over her shoulder.

"Um," I looked at her in the mirror and smiled crookedly, "yeah, I guess so."

"Okay, it's a date," she replied, "it's been a while since I went to church without my mum," she looked at us in the mirror, "and we are both dressed for the occasion."

I was wearing the blouse Tess had made for me. It was a white, silk blouse with puffy sleeves and an elegant pussybow tie under a pink cardigan, I was also wearing a brown three quarter length skirt and dark brown boots.

"You look very eighties," she turned and looked at me, "very elegant too," she tugged at the ties and then her eyes shifted, "I might put in an order myself, then it'd be your turn to watch me strip down to my undies."

Paula was wearing a two-tone tan blouse, the bodice was a dark tan with silk-covered buttons, it was buttoned to the top, the sleeves were a much lighter tan. She wore a pair of wool-blend trousers with the blouse and had accessorised with a long brown, beaded necklace, belt and shoes. Because it was the middle of winter we were both wearing coats. I felt a slight tremor of anticipation and looked past her as the images rose in my mind's eye, I finally managed to recover and came back to her. Paula was smirking as she looked me up and down.

"Definitely fuckable," she pinched my breast lightly, "come on, let's go see what the Lord has to tell us today."

***

They say that God is omniscient, that he sees everything at once, the past, present and future but he never saw that playful gesture and if he did then he didn't tell the minister at the church we went to that morning. Christian churches are known for their homophobic teachings, it's almost become a prerequisite for joining a church. Are you bigoted against homosexuals, check, do you believe that some mythical God planted his seed inside a virgin, check.

However that morning the minister did mention homosexuality. Apparently, his brother had come out at some time in the past but just recently had begun to ponder the deeper questions of where do we come from and where do we go when we die? The minister had spoken at length with him and come away with a profound sense of injustice, he realised that certain bible passages did speak out against it. But one of those was buried in old Hebrew texts and the other was out of Paul's letter to the Romans. What if we were simply misinterpreting bible verses? If we took the verse, be fruitful and multiply from Genesis out of context, it would justify infidelity.

Things needed to be put back into context he told the congregation, we were all different. Some of us supported rival political parties, different football teams, the differences went on and on, but we were all united in our love of Christ, we were all one family. Could it be abhorrent to a God of love if we reached out with love to the LGBTQ community? He didn't come to any grand conclusion, which was significant because that left the question dangling out there for those who might snatch it up and take it further.

"Well that was different," Paula mused as she leaned on the steering wheel an hour later. We were parked in the multilevel carpark at Eastland, having decided to have lunch in the new alfresco dining area.

"You're not wrong there but it makes sense, what if we got it wrong?"

"Well I guess if God is a god of unconditional love then he can't go putting conditions on his love, it means he's not capable of unconditional love, doesn't it?"

We lunched at Hunky Dory, a Greek-themed restaurant where the conversation drifted to other topics before coming back to homosexuality.

"If I did it with a woman, it'd need to be someone I trusted, not someone who just wanted a notch on her belt," I casually announced.

"Women are different," she propped on her palm, "with us it's more of a relationship, we adapt and change to suit the situation. It's part of our physiology. When we get pregnant our bodies change, right from the moment of insemination. When something grows that fast in the human body, our immune system should kick in and try to destroy or contain it, but a signal is sent out to leave this growth unchecked. The foetus moves into the womb and grows, our bodies nourish this strange thing and nine months later we expel it through the same orifice it entered."

She looked past me at the passersby.

"It takes a whole nine months as well, we experience all kinds of changes, nausea, diarrhoea, an aversion to certain colours or foods, binges, feeling uncomfortable and so on, but we weather all these changes and give birth. You could take that same concept to just about any area of a woman's life, from career changes to personal changes. We adapt to a changing environment far more quickly than a man. We can love a man without spreading our legs for him because we have different levels of emotional commitment. I mean I love my brother in law dearly but I'd be shocked if he came onto me, likewise with certain male colleagues but others I might take things further."

She looked at me for a moment.

"Speaking of taking things further," she smiled, "I fancy going to the movies now that I've got the whole day off."

"Okay, what'll we see?"

"How about you choose? If we can't agree on a movie then there's not much chance we'll make it as a lesbian couple."

***

The movie we saw was The Hunger Games, not exactly the first choice for a romantic movie but this wasn't a date, we were just two straight women going out together. However, it is about female empowerment, a topic we'd been discussing earlier. We were about halfway through the movie when she reached out and clutched my hand for a particularly dramatic scene and after it was over she did look down but didn't let go. Thus, the first time Paula and I held hands was when we saw The Hunger Games. I only let go as the credits were rolling and people were getting up to exit the cinema, our eyes met and I saw a nervous smile on her face.

"Sorry," she finally spoke, "I don't know why I did that."

"That's cool," I shrugged, "my hand was cold anyway."

She chuckled at that and in the spirit of the moment, I slipped my hand into the crook of her arm as we headed out of the multiplex cinema.

I released her arm as we headed into Eastland itself. We had no grand plan for the rest of the day, but the shopping centre was full and there are a lot of stores in the centre. I'm a fastidious shopper, I'll have several similar items in my hands at the same time and examine each one before I make up my mind.

That afternoon however I was even more fussy, trying on clothes and getting Paula's opinion, I think I did several wardrobe adjustments in the space of two hours. Then we headed to Dan Murphy's for a few bottles of wine, once again I couldn't decide between the white or the red. When I finally chose the red I had to select the right red, which is impossible unless you're a wine connoisseur and I'm definitely not one of those!

One thing I was conscious of a few hours later was that I had lost my concept of personal space between us. I was forever bumping into her or backing into her, it was clumsy but I felt almost as if something had taken over my body.

However that kiss in Paula's car was definitely not planned. She'd reached back to grab the purse out of her handbag and as I looked down I saw her blouse opening slightly to reveal her bra. Remember when I mentioned about memories rising suddenly to the surface? I recalled that scene from Neighbours, Bailey's coming out party, Caroline and Tess kissing on the couch and felt the urge to kiss her. When she moved back with the purse in her hand she turned at the same time so that her face was inches from mine. She had a crooked smile on her face, as if she was just waiting for me to make a move. I felt a slight hesitation and then I did the unthinkable. I leaned closer and kissed her on the lips. Paula dropped the purse on the back floor and I felt a sudden twinge of fear at the look in her eyes and started moving back but then she grabbed my hand.

"If you're going to kiss me, do it properly," she murmured.

I didn't move for a few seconds, I was aware of a couple passing behind us and when they were gone I grabbed her necklace and pulled her forward. Our lips met in a tender kiss that set my pulse on edge, we were in a public place but for the first time in my life I didn't care. I was hungry for physical contact with another human being.

It was a stolen moment of intimacy. No one saw us and yet it was as if we were in our own little world, I felt both guilty and aroused at the same time. I was also fearful, not knowing what would happen next. Paula had a slight smile on her face as she looked down at the floor and then our eyes met as she drew her finger slowly up the front of my blouse.

"That was a beautiful kiss," she tilted her head and moving forward, kissed me tenderly on the lips and held her mouth against mine for what seemed an inordinate length of time. Her mouth parted and I went with her out of instinct and felt my heart skip a beat, I was aware that my vision had blurred slightly and I felt warm all over. Paula eventually pulled back and she tickled my belly playfully.

"Now that's a kiss to keep me warm on cold winter nights when wind blows a cold hole through your soul," she regarded me for a few moments.

"You wanna go home or somewhere else?"

"Wherever," I exhaled.

Paula told me later she had no idea where she was going, she was just driving for the sake of it but we wound up in Olinda where we bought a couple of Cokes and then she drove down a road she'd been down with an ex boyfriend once. It took us to a relatively deserted carpark overlooking the R.J Hamer Arboretum and parked down at the far end. It's a beautiful view of the start of the Great Dividing Range that extends all the way to Queensland and it was somewhat appropriate that she took me to a high place for our little talk.

"So, where do we go from here on?" Paula glanced at me a few minutes later, "considering we've just kissed."

"I don't know," I confessed, "I wasn't exactly looking for this kind of thing."

"You and me both," she took another mouthful of Coke, "but we have crossed a line, it's not like we can't go back to what we were before but we need to come to some sort of agreement."

"Have you ever done this before, with a housemate?"

"I was tempted with Jackie, once," she confessed.

"It was a few weeks after our visit to the brothel in Berlin. She was having problems with the guy she was seeing at the time. We'd both had a couple of drinks and then we kissed," she took another mouthful of Coke.

"And?"

"And nothing," she replied, "it could have gone further but I knew her reputation. Jackie liked to play the field, she loved fucking, drinking and travelling, not always in that order but she saw no harm in fucking around. I guess it was just pure common sense kicking in but I decided that perhaps we shouldn't take it further because we were living together. I threw that excuse in because it made sense at the time."

"And what about now? With me?"

"With you," she looked at me, "I really don't know. You're sweet, adorable and fun to be around but your Christian faith might hold you back if we took this further. A lot depends on your decision, I'm up for change but I'm pacing myself to suit your style," she took another mouthful.

"I kissed you first," I reminded her.

"I know and when I gave you the go ahead you kissed me again, and we can't blame alcohol either because we're both stone cold sober," she reclined her seat a little.

"We can put it down to plain impulse or curiosity of course, but that's only if we want to avoid the elephant in the room," she frowned.

I drew breath and took another mouthful of Coke. The memories rose in my mind's eye yet again and then I came out with it all, the memory of that episode of Neighbours I'd seen and then I told her that I'd had a secret crush on Bailey for quite some time.

"It was secret because I never told her and even if I had, I don't know what would have happened between us, we were both in high school and she was my best friend. It's one of those things where something could have happened if one of us made the first move. When I went to her coming out party I admit that I had mixed feelings, sadness that she'd found someone else but also relief because at least that part of my life had come to some sort of resolution."

"Interesting," she glanced at me, "go on."

I hesitated before taking a plunge into the unknown but I outed myself in fits and starts. My love life up until that day had been like a desert. I had all the urges but plenty of restraints holding me back. There were guys at the churches I'd been attending who certainly chased me but I was adept at avoiding anything that might force me to make a decision. I was very career-focused, while I loved nursing I wanted to go further than nursing and become a doctor, nursing was just the first step. A relationship with a guy would end in marriage, childbirth and a wait of a few years before I could continue my career. At least that was the excuse I'd always given to girlfriends, but the truth was I felt no desire for men whatsoever. Perhaps it had something to do with that embarrassing birds and bees talk my mum had given me when I was seventeen. Then again, in light of evidence that my mother had had an affair with a woman, maybe I was born this way.

In the end however, I came to no grand conclusions, only an admission that I was stuck. I had all the desires a young woman should have but no urge to do it with a man, which led back to our kiss in the carpark. That had sparked something off in me, a desire for more but I conceded that my Christian faith might hold me back a little.

"So, who says you can't be both?" Paula looked at me, "if God is a god of love then maybe he isn't going to punish you or me for loving each other, and I'm certainly not going to stop you going to church or praying. I'm just not like that," she fiddled with her cuff.