Stepping Stones Ch. 01

It was twelve O'clock in the morning and the alarm wouldn't stop blinking. I rolled over and saw a picture of James.

Suddenly the memory seeped through me and all the pain from that day came flooding through. Why? Why him? Why me?!

I used to think he was the perfect roommate; everybody said I didn't have anything to worry about. I liked him so much, he was such a cool guy. Always willing to spring for pizza or a flick.

After spending all days and nights with him I even felt myself in love. How could I ever imagine I'd hated him like I did now? And how could a small part of me still feel love for him?

As I lay there in the dark, I could not stop the tears from falling; The pain I endured that night hit me so hard that this was the first time since it had happened that I had the opportunity to feel real emotion. I willed the tears to stop but they wouldn't subside. I curled up as small as I could, drawing the covers over my head. I just wish I could disappear or that this chest pounding pain was just a nightmare. I wanted to wake up tomorrow with all of it gone. I yearn for it to go back to normal; to be able to look at him without feeling a disgusting tug in my stomach. My sobs echoed in the dark, empty room.

It seemed like years before the tears were finally gone from my aching eyes. I thought that if I got up and heated some tea I might be able to sleep this night out unlike the others. Not that I'd be of much help. But neither would be staying there as there was no way I could have gone to sleep. So I flung back the blankets and threw my feet over the side of the bed in disgust. I started walking towards the living room when I heard a crashing sound near the kitchen.

All thoughts left but one. James!

No, not him! Dear God, don't let it be him!

I tried to run back but it seemed my legs had grown roots. My breathing became incredibly loud against the darkness, so I leaned in trying to pinpoint the sound. But when I heard another rustling in the kitchen again I willed my legs to move but they just wouldn't give way.

Then I saw my baby coming strutting out of the kitchen, coffee grounds and gravy smoothed on his golden coat, and the meat I threw away earlier dangled from his mouth. I let out the breath I didn't realize I was holding.

He stopped when he saw me. He looked at me with that half-cocked head turning from side to side as his beady, black eyes pierced through the nights glow to see if he was in trouble. He must have sensed my fear mixed with relief because he whimpered lightly then backed into the front room to gently sit on his bed. I just gaped at him. It's just my Sammy. Breathe Jackie, come on girl, breathe.

Once I was sure I could walk without hitting the floor I headed toward the kitchen. My legs had the type of rubbery shaky feeling that too much exercising brings on. I leaned heavily on the wall as I ventured toward the dark emptiness my baby just abandoned.

As I rounded the corner to the kitchen I spotted the kitchen graffiti Sammy left. The only trash bag I had used to clean the corner of the attic was ripped apart as well as the bag I had used to clean the ice box. A mixture of old, musky, torn clothes and crumpled papers were covered with gravy and coffee grounds. Swirls of colored flour and what was left of Tuesdays' meatloaf scattered from one end to the other.

From the corner beside the ice box, to the door I had spent so much time making curtains for, little paw prints circled the room, and a single paw print was on the bottom of the fridge door. I grabbed another trash bag and started flinging the mess back into it. I couldn't hold my anger down, although it wasn't my baby I was mad at. I had being so glad when I saw him coming through that door, when it could have been anybody...

As I knew there that there was no way I could sleep now, I decided to take a hot shower, get dressed, and later think about what I was going to do the rest of the time till went to Stefan's.

I stood under the shower, hot fingers massaging my back, and all I could do was cry. My tears were washed away by the gentle indexes; I wanted them to wash my pain away too. I stood there till I felt I could again face the cold, empty house.

After I gave Sammy a bath, I went outside and sat on the porch swing. The sun looked beautiful as it stepped above the horizon. The blue and orange collided, making a light violet streak across the otherwise midnight sky. It looked like a painter was miss-striking the painstakingly perfect spot.

When I finally felt relaxed enough to sleep, I pulled the blanket from the back of the couch and curled up beneath it. I looked down at Sammy curled at my feet. It was hard to believe he was almost two. It seemed like time went by so fast at times that you just forget to look around and say, "Hey! I'm a part of this charade too." Then there were times when it went by so slowly you just wish you'd die or become faster than the world. That's mostly when you're younger though. The moments you want to forget stick with you and some you want to remember just vanish.

CHAPTER 1

"Think of it as a foreboding stone in the only exit, to overcome it could be crushing in any perspective. To succeed means to continue in life, but to fail means to face the daunting terror again and again until it is finally overcome."

Just thinking about baring myself scared the hell out of me.

"You mean to tell me that if I can't tell you what happened, it's going to haunt me until I tell someone about it?

"Yes and no, if you don't tell anyone and try to deal with it alone, you have just as much of a chance of overcoming it; however, it would take a hell of a lot longer and no one to lean on through the process."

I stared at him a minute taking in his words. I didn't realize how tall or how lean he actually was. His eyes were as big and as blue as the sky and I thought that if I looked close enough I could see the stars drifting inside. His chin had a scar that looked jagged and old, and I couldn't help wondering where it came from.

"Jackie?" he said, breaking the silence.

"Yes?" I whispered.

"Are you going to let me help you?" he leaned forward as if trying to pull the answer from my soul.

I glanced at my hands, shaking in my lap. How could I trust anyone anymore? Why should I? My eyes darted nervously around the room, settling on the intense look gazing back at me. But this was Stefan, and I had known him for years... and I couldn't live with the paranoia anymore.

"Yes," I said after a moment, not knowing how I managed to get that death warrant from my lips.

"Excellent!" he practically screamed the word. "I promise you won't regret it, and you are welcome to stay at my house, since I know you're not comfortable going back home."

"Your house...? I don't know... I mean, I didn't know that's what you meant by helping me. Why would we need to go to your house ... alone?" I stammered at his gusto.

"Listen to me Jackie; I am your best friend and practically your therapist besides. Why would I do anything to hurt you? When I say come to my house I mean like...as friends, nothing else. Okay?"

"Okay" I felt myself cave into his generosity; after all, he was just looking out for me.

"What time should I be there?"

"Is noon alright with you?"

"You got yourself a date." Before he could say anything else, I added. "I've got to go, see you tomorrow."

I could feel his eyes burning into me as I grabbed my jacket and purse, and luckily he chose not to say anything. I hurried out the door before he could change his mind.