Still You Want Me Ch. 04

I lowered my voice toward the end of the sentence since there are people near the elevator.

"Well, I went against my better judgment. You deserved to spend the day wet and cold."

He's not smiling, but he's not angry.

"I know and you're right. Please have lunch with me today?"

I put my hands in the form of a prayer and pout.

"Please?"

He tilts his head and looks at me with a crooked smile.

"You're not going to drop it until I say yes, are you?"

He's still wearing his glasses. Colin in glasses is absolute perfection. I shake my head, indicating I'll beg forever if need be.

"Okay. I'll have lunch with you." He lifts his tea and scone, "Thanks, again."

This morning is very busy. Colin's affiliate initiative is a big deal and is becoming a focus point for our work.

I'm happy for him. It's a brilliant idea and he deserves to be in the spotlight, but I'd be lying if I said I'm not experiencing some underlying jealousy. I feel as if everything's been shady and secretive, plus he's only been here for two weeks.

If he were anyone else, I'd probably be acting a lot more irrationally. I look at my watch and realize it's time for lunch, so I grab my jacket and find my way to Colin.

"Are you ready?"

He holds up his finger.

"Ten seconds."

His long fingers are gliding across the keyboard with ease, and without error, as he finishes a memo. He's stunning with his shirt sleeves rolled up to his elbows, his tie flipped over his shoulder, and his glasses highlighting his best features. He makes a big deal about pressing enter, looks up at me, and smiles.

"Done."

* * COLIN * *

We don't speak while on our way to the lobby, it's not uncomfortable, only silent. I still have some risidual anger about him embarrassing me Friday. I can't believe he blurted everything to Jesse. I really don't know what he has to say about it.

"Where are we going?" I ask.

His brows are scrunched in thought.

"What about the Thai place a few blocks down?"

"Sounds good."

Ugh, it's not going to help my waistline.

"Charles, how can you eat lunch out every day? I've eaten out more since working here than I have in years and I feel like crap."

I pat my stomach, feeling incredibly bloated.

"And such a waste of money."

He runs his hand down his stomach, showing off his ridiculously perfect body.

Fuck you.

"I think my body's used to it. I've always eaten at restaurants since I was a kid and through college, too. It's also part of the reason I'm at the gym so much and money isn't an issue, so it's not a big deal."

I'm trying not to be annoyed, but it seems so frivolous.

"People with money have as much responsibility to steward it as everyone else. You don't have to answer this, but how much money do you think you spend every month on food?"

He looks surprised at the question and has to think for a moment.

"Oh, um, four thousand dollars?"

He nods approval at his estimate. "Yeah, I think that's a reasonable guess."

I pound my chest trying to dislodge the ball of disbelief in my throat.

"Four thousand dollars a month on food! How is that possible? That's forty-eight thousand dollars a year!"

"Uh, yeah, I guess it is. Honestly, I've never thought about it before, but you're right, that's a lot of money."

"I'm not judging you so please don't take this negatively. There are so many non-profit organizations out there that do incredible things for our community and it seems such a waste to see that kind of money being eaten instead of being donated."

Four thousand dollars is so much money.

"You're probably right."

He's silent as we walk down the street.

"Can I ask you a question?" He asks.

I nod. He doesn't say anything right away because he's trying to find the right words.

"Can you walk me through this whole Asia/affiliate/proposal thing?"

Oh. I didn't expect this and I don't really want to talk about it.

"Don't get me wrong, I think it's brilliant, it's just the way everything is happening, well, it's not how things are normally done."

He pauses, but continues before I can say anything.

"Everything's been so secretive and you went on three pitches with really big names all by yourself? You've only been here for two weeks. This is insane!"

He shakes his head in disapproval. This is exactly what I was afraid of.

"Um, yeah, I agree. It's weird. It wasn't my intention, though. I had the idea, but I was too nervous to pitch it at the meeting in front of everyone, so I talked to Kelsey about it in private. She thought it sounded good, so she wanted to take it to Brett. Brett agreed with Kelsey and asked me to follow through with it. I thought he'd take the lead and I'd watch and take notes, so imagine my surprise when he set up meetings for me to go...solo. I told him I didn't feel comfortable, but he insisted."

I shrug. This is the best explanation I can possibly give at the moment and I really hope it's enough.

"Colin, I'm not jealous—not really anyway, but it seems stupid to let a new hire do this solo. Even if you remove the risk of failure, it would've been a good opportunity for teamwork and if one or two other people went, then they'd have gained experience and knowledge, also. It seems irresponsible—no offense!"

"None taken. For the record, I totally agree with you."

It's quiet for a Wednesday. We're seated and given waters and menus, we each take a minute, and then set the menus down. Charles crosses his arms.

"So, I want to apologize for Friday--"

I cut him off before he can finish.

"It's not a big deal, what's done is done." I wave him off. The whole situation is embarrassing.

"Stop, it's not okay. Yesterday you were barely able to look at me."

He nervously runs his fingers through his blonde hair.

"It was obvious you weren't comfortable with conversation on Friday. If it would've been only the two of us, I would've pressed forward, but I should've dropped it when Jesse came to the table. Quinn's an ass, also, but I take the majority of the responsibility because you're my friend."

I laugh, "Yeah, Quinn really was an ass."

"Only when he drinks, normally he's pretty cool, I promise."

He smooths out the arm of his shirt and looks at me apologetically.

"I am sorry, you have no idea how bad I felt after you left and how much sleep I lost this weekend."

He does look a little worse for wear and his eyes lack a little luster. I'm surprised by his response because, usually, Charles strikes me as mostly selfish and not one to care about what others think.

"Honestly, I was really upset. It made me look like such a loser. But don't worry, I'll get over it. Also, don't lose sleep on my account. That seems such a waste."

I give him a half teasing smile.

"Don't sell yourself short, I'd rather lose sleep than your friendship."

We continue talking throughout our meal. He looks slightly dejected.

"Can I ask you one more question?"

I didn't like his first question, so I'm nervous about his follow up. It's always terrifying when someone needs permission to ask a question.

"Sure..."

"Will you answer honestly?"

I nod.

"Do you consider us friends?"

"More so every day. Why?"

I'm trying to figure out where he's going with this.

"I consider us friends, trending toward good friends or possibly very good friends."

What's this proclamation about? I give a light laugh.

"Well, that's good. I'm not opposed to that progression."

"That's good."

His words sound skeptical. He takes a bite of his food, but I can tell he still has something to say.

"Why did you lie to me about being gay?"

I skirted.

"Oh. Well, I didn't actually lie, but I didn't come out and announce it, either."

He's annoyed by my cowardly response.

"You did lie, at least to me. You had plenty of opportunities to tell me, such as when you found out I'm gay, when we talked about relationships, and when I asked you about girls."

He pauses and studies me.

"You told everyone else the first week, everyone knew except me."

He isn't eating anymore, he's only staring at me with a mix of hurt and frustration on his face. I put my fork down and look at him.

"Damn it. You're right I—"

I pause for a second trying to gather my thoughts. I owe him the truth.

"I intentionally didn't tell you. When we first met, I had strong opinions about you and I wasn't interested in being pursued as a quick fling. Actually, I wasn't interested in being pursued at all so I took the option from the table by not telling you."

I realize my mistake and add.

"I'm not trying to assume you'd pursue me or that you were or are or ever will be interested in me."

I feel my face flush with embarrassment. Charles laughs. He must really enjoy seeing me squirm.

"Don't doubt it for a minute. I would've absolutely tried to bed you if I'd known you were gay on day one. If I didn't have so much respect for you, I probably would've tried to take you to the bathroom earlier today because those—"

He points to my glasses.

"Are hot."

I blush.

"This is exactly why I didn't tell you."

I look down at my food and smile. I don't receive affirmation well.

"I got something in my eye this weekend and it was incredibly painful. I can't wear contacts for a week."

I nervously adjust my glasses, feeling stupid for wearing them. He sits there and smiles at me, almost as if he's trying not to laugh as he contently watching me with his blue eyes. We finish our lunch with casual small talk, getting to know each other, and he inquisitively asks.

"So, it seems things are going well with Jesse?"

"Definitely! Yesterday was only our second date, but I'm hopeful. He's smart and funny."

I look at Charles with a grin.

"And obviously incredibly attractive, right?"

He holds out his hand and moves it as he speaks, signaling that Jesse's so-so, but he's smiling.

"If you're into tall, well built, and stunningly beautiful people, then yeah, I guess he's okay."

I smile.

"Right, not that I'm into those types. Dating someone like him is actually quite terrifying. How do you not compare yourself?"

I shake my head lightly. Charles looks at me in disbelief.

"Why would you compare yourself to him or anyone else? You're perfectly you."

I shouldn't have said anything, it's my insecurity.

"I know, it's stupid."

"No, it's not, continue."

He seems genuinely interested in what I have to say, I don't feel like he'll judge me.

"We both know he could have anyone, so why is he chasing me? It's not sex, so?" I shrug.

He laughs.

"You're an idiot. He's probably thinking the same thing about you."

He starts imitating Jesse.

"What if Colin doesn't like me? What if I'm not smart enough for him? What if he finds me boring? He's so much better looking than me! He'll leave me when he realizes I snort when I laugh."

He covers his mouth in mock horror.

"What if he realizes my muscles are overcompensating for my small dick!"

I'm laughing (hard) by the end of his rant. His impression might be terrible, but his humor is hilarious and adorable. I sheepishly smile at him.

"Whatever, but I'm confident he's not small."

He looks surprised.

"How would you know?"

"Dancing."

He gives a challenging smile. "Some guys stuff their crotch the same as some women stuff their bra."

I roll my eyes.

"That's not real."

"Yes it is!"

He's serious and I can't help, but laugh at the thought and smirk at him.

"Well, you weren't a light weight, either, but then again—"

I throw some napkins at him.

"Maybe you stuff, too."

"Never! That would scare guys away. No one would want to go home with me if I appeared bigger than I already am."

His mischievous smile stretches to his eyes, making them sparkle.

During the walk back, he grabs my arm.

"Oh, before I forget! Guess what we're doing after work Thursday."

He's like a kid trying to hold a secret on Christmas. I look at him with faux trepidation.

"Drowning kittens?"

He rolls his eyes.

"Jerk. We're going to do Karaoke. I talked to a bunch of people from work and everyone's down to make this a regular Thursday night thing."

I'm surprised and elated by this news as Karaoke is my favorite pastime.

"Seriously? That's awesome! Thank you, this has made my day."

"My pleasure, really. It's fun watching you sing and dance, so it's kind of a win-win for everyone."

He starts doing a little victory dance on the street.

"Looks like those dance lessons paid off didn't they? Chicago two step might have some dance moves to show off tomorrow night. Are you going to give me a run for my money?"

He winks and rubs his hands together in delight.

"Shit, you know it! We'll kill it together during a duet, though."

I smile. "Yes, we will."

I'm really starting to love this friendship I have with Charles, it's easy and fun. We talk about song choices and ideas and how showmanship is important. It's not all about the song, but how you perform. We're waiting by the elevator when I feel my phone vibrate. I figure lunch is over so it won't be too disrespectful to answer my phone.

[Jesse] I know we hung out yesterday, but there's a concert at the Zoo tonight, if you're interested. I got tickets through work. No clue if the music is good or not. Find out with me? 7:30. I can pick you up?

I smile and respond.

[Colin] I love bad music, sign me up. See you at 7:30!or maybe dinner before? No big deal if not.

He must have his phone on him because his response is instant.

[Jesse] Yes!

[Jesse] I mean, sure, cool, whatever. ;) Six?

[Colin] *thumbs up emoji*

[Jesse] See you later.

Charles notices my smile and teases.

"Blondie's making you blush."

"What? No. No. He asked me out tonight."

"Awesome, what are you guys doing?"

"He's taking me to a concert at the Zoo. He doesn't know the band, but he got the tickets through work. You know me, I love all music!"

"That you do. I'm sure you'll have a good time."

I notice his smile is slightly pursed, not filled with joy like it normally is. He's probably bloated from eating out everyday, I know I am.

* * *

After work, I shower, change my clothes, start a load of laundry, and empty the dishwasher. Before I know it, Jesse arrives. I hug him, still unsure of proper etiquette. His body feels amazing; strong and secure.

"Hey! I didn't expect you to come to the door. I know parking is terrible so I was planning on going down to the street."

"Don't be ridiculous. I'm not a seventeen-year-old boy. I'm going to pick my date up at the door and not on the street like some hooker."

He playfully bumps me.

Cute.

We decide on dinner at a local pub. There's something about Jesse that's very comforting. He's confident, but not cocky, genuine, humble, and easy going. He intrigues me. He sets his menu down and stares at me. His sudden attention is making me feel insecure.

"What? Is there something wrong?"

"No. I want to ask you something, but I don't know if it's too soon."

I smile with relief.

"Then ask. I'll let you know if I don't feel comfortable."

"Um, when did you know you were gay and I guess, more specifically, I'm curious about your past boyfriends?"

He's drumming his fingers on the menu.

"You don't have to tell me, yet. I mean, it's only date three, right? You're not obligated."

I laugh.

"Oh, stop. You could've asked me about this on date one. Well, I knew I was gay since...forever. I've never been attracted to women, but I think I actually realized what it meant when I was fifteen? I was a late bloomer. I told my parents when I was seventeen. Boyfriends? Blah!"

My face sours and he laughs.

"Well, I was pretty ugly and undesirable until I was about twenty. After that, I went on a few dates with a couple of guys, two to be specific. I guess I wasn't emotionally ready. I think part of it was the fact I still felt undesirable, paired with the fact people usually only wanted to be with me because of my family. It made it hard to trust anyone's motives. When I was twenty-three, I—I don't even know how to explain this. I guess I was dating a guy, but we weren't dating. I mean, we never went out on dates. I was kind of stupid, I guess. It's dumb."

I feel so annoyed about the entire situation.

"I'm sorry, this isn't that difficult or complicated."

I try to laugh it off.

"Basically, long story short, this guy was a man slut and I was naive. He was my first. We were together for about three months for sexual purposes only. His intentions, not mine. Then he left me because I was too clingy for demanding attention and genuine affection."

I shrug.

"I wasn't with anyone before and I haven't been with anyone since. So, yeah. Ta-da!"

I smile and give my best jazz hands.

"What about you?"

I imagine he has a long roster, he and Charles would be great friends.

"I suppose I also knew I was gay since day one, but I had no idea what it was. So, I dated girls in high school and college. I didn't know any gay people so I didn't understand my feelings. I think I was a sophomore at college when everything clicked for me. It took a while to fully come to terms with being gay. Maybe that's a bad explanation. It took me a while to be confident and secure with who I am. It did happen though. I came out to my parents my senior year, about four months before graduation.

My parents and sisters were great and very supportive. Shocked, but also not, at the same time, it's hard to explain. I was so busy graduating, applying for jobs, and becoming an adult, dating didn't really cross the table. This might be a weird thing for you to hear and I hope you don't judge me for it, but you're actually my first guy date...ever. Ah, for the record, I've done stuff with guys while I was figuring out my shit, but I've never had intercourse, just everything else."

He looks nervous.

"Not a ton or anything, a normal amount, maybe? Or less? I don't know the statistics so I guess I don't have a reference point for that statement. So yeah, I'm a virgin sexually and relationally. Ta-da!"

He replicates my jazz hands and we both laugh at the awkward, yet, hilarious nature of the conversation and the well placed jazz hands.

"I'm glad everything's on the table," he says, relieved.

I can see a weight's been lifted from him.

"Me, too."

I look at him for a moment.

"While we're on the subject, there's one thing I'd like to add for the sake of full disclosure so there's no surprises later. I'm not interested in being in a relationship that's not equal."

Words are suddenly flowing off of my tongue.

"Not only in the relationship/dating part like paying, driving, yadda-yadda. I mean, I do want it equal there, but what I'm trying to say is, sexually, I want an equal."

I look at him to see if he understands. He doesn't. He looks confused.

"Ok, the guy I dated for three months was strictly a top, he absolutely wouldn't do it any other way and I won't do that, again. It's not that I desperately want to top or anything like that, I mean, I definitely want to."

I blush, feeling incredibly awkward.

"The whole situation was emotionally degrading for me, to be with someone who refused to relinquish control, which is stupid and immature, but whatever. So yeah, I thought you should know...for future reference."

He smiles and slightly bites his lip.

"I'll file that away...for future reference."

Oh, god, he's so fucking delicious when he smiles, especially when it's because we're talking about our potential future of intimacy. Is this tall, muscular, chisel jawed beauty, who may want me, for real? The idea is absurd.

We finish our meal while talking about our pasts, families, and what it was like coming out. Then we argue about who's paying for dinner because, technically, it's my turn, but Jesse says he invited me so he should pay. This goes on for five minutes until, finally, I win.