Suddenly It's Dark

Suddenly it's dark.

Suddenly it's cold.

Suddenly everything is bleak.

The future's bleak, the past is bleak, and bleakest of all is the present.

Colors are drab. Food is bland. I'm tired all the time.

She's gone.

Again.

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I was an incoming freshman. She was a sophomore, and my orientation guide. I couldn't keep my eyes off her. She managed to be near me all the time. I didn't complain. At the end of orientation week, we were dating.

I was a struggling first semester freshman. She was a Dean's List sophomore, and like me a history major. She helped me through Rome 101. I couldn't still my Roman hands. She managed her way into in my arms every chance she got. At the end of the semester, we were exclusive. I moved out of the freshman dorm and into her apartment.

Too fast, huh? Maybe, but I certainly didn't think so at the time. I didn't think so at all. She didn't either, until a year later. Towards the end of my sophomore year, she decided she was too young to be tied down. We were too serious, I told her "I love you" too much, she wanted to see other people.

Other people.

Other guys.

Dark, cold and bleak are familiar now because they were so powerful then. Drab colors, bland food, constantly tired, she's gone, it's all the same old song.

@@@

It took her almost a year to come back to me. I was a wreck in the meantime. My friends were worried. They worked hard to fix me up with girls, but I just couldn't go. It was like sticking my hand back into a fire that already burned me.

When school ended after my sophomore year, she went home for the summer. I stayed on campus, took some courses, and got a great job tending bar at a local hot spot. Time really must heal all wounds, because girls started to look pretty to me again. They looked really pretty. They looked damned hot!

Every night that summer, I found a new a new party. Skirts were short and legs were long. A free drink or two here led to a phone number or two there, and soon I found myself dating again. And my thing about getting burned? Well, I took a page out of my ex's break up script. Don't get serious. Don't get tied down. Don't move too fast again. Ever. Definitely don't go back there.

School started up again, and my summer courses had launched me ahead of my cohort in my academic program. I was able to register for a senior class, and lol and behold, I wound up scheduled with my ex every Monday, Wednesday and Friday just before lunch.

She was dating. She was more than dating. She was a card carrying member of the flavor of the month club. In her wake, she left a trail of broken dreams and dashed hopes. And why not? She was beautiful. She was charming. She was smart. She could make you feel larger than life, then she tired of you. I felt sorry for those guys, because I knew what was coming once they dated her for a while. Her absence made you feel insignificant. That was me, insignificant. I was nothing but one of those cast-offs.

Of course we spoke. We shared classes together, and as advanced classes they were small. We were thrown together.

She wanted to still be friends. Okay. She wanted to be good friends. Okay. She wanted me to come to dinner.

No.

Really, no.

She didn't take it well when I told her I had moved on, but I had only done so because I had kept my distance. I didn't want to open myself back up to the pain.

She was to graduate in June, just a few weeks away. Did she really think she could open a band-aid, slap it on my broken heart, and "poof" everything would be ok again?

"Oh sure dear, I felt like shit for a year. I was alone, pining for you while you systematically worked your way through the entire junior and senior classes."

I said that, but only in my mind. I'm a nice guy, I couldn't say it out loud and consciously hurt her. I'm better than that. Of course, my thoughts were filled with every synonym for "selfish bitch" and "sleazy slut" That you can imagine. My answer to her was much more polite.

I told her I was sorry. I told her with such little time before graduating I didn't think I could build any kind of trust that she wouldn't just dump me again in a year or two or thirty. I told her we weren't the same people we were when we separated. How could we get to know each other again, commit to a monogamous relationship again, or even fall back in love again in barely a month?

She was wrong.

She made a mistake.

She still loves me.

No one ever measured up to me as a lover, as a partner or as a friend.

Oh goody.

I didn't think I was me she was really after. No, it was the security of being with me. I was a proven good guy, and a future with me looked a hell of a lot brighter than the future offered by the flotsam and jetsam she had rejected since we were a thing.

She needed to shed her fear. Everything she said smacked of fear. Fear that she was leaving the safety of school was intimidating. She had no job and was afraid of finding one. She had nothing certain in her future, except the fact it was coming fast. Yeah, suddenly I was looking good. I looked like security. I looked like stability. In fact, I looked like her "MRS degree."

"To be honest, I need a lot more time. A year ago, I was ready to buy you a ring, so maybe you can understand how hard this is for me to say. It took a whole year, but I moved on. It finally stopped hurting, and I'm enjoying dates instead of going through the motions with someone else while thinking of you. You had your senior year to play around, and explore other guys while I was frustrated with that pining for you. I'd like the same chance you had. Come talk to me in a year!"

"But I love you! Really, I do! I know that now!"

"Yeah, no. I don't know that now. I know you spent the last year partying. I know for the last year I watched you on the arm of lots of different guys. So do me a favor, put yourself in my place. Would you be a good choice as a life partner? Would you risk it all on me if I had dumped you, just for kicks?"

She was upset. She didn't dump me for kicks. She didn't mean for our hiatus to last so long. Now that it had, she couldn't accept that we would never unite. She was going to win me back. She took me to dinner that very night.

It was uncomfortable for both of us, but ended with us agreeing to see each other again, though not exclusively. We didn't see each other all summer. She went away. Nice start to winning my heart back, right? Spend the summer on a beach, half naked.

I saw other girls, and I liked them. I had no idea how she was going to take me away from dating around while starting her career. She had no idea where she would even be working when I came back to school. Imagine my surprise when that fall, she came back to my school for an MBA degree instead of going right to work.

@@@

It wasn't easy for her. The graduate business school had classes downtown, in the same building as the law school. It was a rigorous program to finish in two semesters. She was busy. I was busy in my senior year, partying. Still, she somehow managed to work her way back into my heart, and halfway through second semester we were a couple.

Somehow, my ass. She used her body. She flashed skin, she rubbed herself up against me, she groped and kissed me everywhere a guy could be groped and kissed. I was a guy. I still loved her. It didn't take much more than that to break down the barriers I had built to protect myself.

We married that summer. We both got good jobs in strong companies, and we both advanced up the ranks and were doing well. Two kids, a dog, and summers at the Jersey shore rounded out the picture. The future looked bright. Notice the past tense.

@@@

It's dark again.

It's cold, even colder the second time.

Everything is bleak, just like all those years ago, but more so because I don't know if I can do it again this time. I can't rebound again. After all these years, the wounds are still raw. They still bleed, right into my heart.

The future's bleak, the the present is bleak, and bleakest of all now is the past. I gave in to her. Then I let her come back into my life after I had moved on, after I had adjusted to a life without her.

Why did I do that? Why didn't I just keep moving on? Today would be so much easier.

Colors are drab. Food is bland. I'm tired all the time.

She's gone.

Again.

She wants what she missed. Too young before, this time she wants all life has to give before she's too old.

I guess didn't give her enough. She wants more. She wants it all.

Too young, too old, it's two sides of the same coin.

This time we are no longer serious enough, I never tell her "I love her," and she wants to see other people. That's even more sides of same coins. Funny looking coins.

Other people.

Other guys.

Reads like an exact repeat, doesn't it? It lives like one too, right down to the pain. It's dark, it's cold, it's bleak, and it still hurts like hell. I don't know which way to turn.

I'm not the man I was the first time she dumped me. She doesn't like that term, "dumped me."

"You're not being dumped. I still love you just as much, and need you in my life. I just need to explore and date, before I get too old. Guys get better looking with age. Women just get saggy, heavy and wrinkled. Let me use it while I've still got it."

No. I don't agree. I don't consent. I won't share. Call me selfish. Call me unreasonably old fashioned to want my wife exclusively. Then call me broken hearted.

"You can't win in a divorce. You'll lose half of everything, and most of your time with the kids."

The kids. My darling princess and my son, the apple of my eye.

I won't lose half of everything.

I'll lose it all.

I don't want half, I want it all. I want her now.

"Look at it this way darling, if you give me this one thing, I'll owe you. Some day, we'll come to a time when you really want something that I disagree with. You'll remind me of this, and remind me I owe you. I will give it to you without argument. Now, be a doll and hand me my purse. My date is here."

I didn't hand her the purse.

She huffed past me to the front door, and scurried down the sidewalk to her date, waiting in a car with deeply tinted windows. I threw burgers on the grill for the kids and I. We no sooner sat down to eat when a text "dinged" my phone.

"Ok. I was going to be nice about this and make an early night of my first time. But you want to be pissy about this. Fine. I may stay out really late, so don't wait up. I'll text where I am."

There will be no answer. There will only be dinner with my kids.

Ding.

"We're eating at Chez Louis."

I took the kids to the movies. We were all going to go together the next night. There was no reason to wait.

Ding.

"He kissed me in the car after dinner. We're going to a movie."

I sent a text, but not to her. I took the kids out for ice cream.

Ding.

"His hands are all over me in the theatre. I gave him my panties. I never would have let him get this far this fast if you had just handed me my purse! I may not have let him get anywhere tonight if you would have manned up and given me a kiss goodbye. Blame yourself!"

As if.

It wasn't cold anymore. It was hot. I was hot.

I was pissed as hell. I took the kids home, and put them to bed. I turned the ball game on.

Ding.

"He has made me cum more tonight than you have in the last month, and we haven't even gotten to the hotel yet. See you tomorrow sometime. I won't be home tonight."

I brushed my teeth. I slipped into bed.

Ding.

I didn't bother looking.

Ding.

I turned off the phone.

The next morning I woke up to the sun shining brightly through the window. I got the kids up and fed, and got them out on their bikes so they could follow my morning run. No, it wasn't unusual, it was a weekly thing for us. We got home and showered up before I turned my phone back on.

Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding...

Busy night! She left taunts. She sent pictures. I didn't need to see her with his cock in her mouth. I didn't need to see the before and after shots of the resulting facial. It was interesting to hear her tone change as she realized I wasn't answering. Did I detect less venom in each taunt? I checked my email, then printed one out. Then I bundled the kids up and took them to the stadium.

The texts continued through the game. I read them with indifference. I bought the kids jerseys and hats. We ate hot dogs. I caught a foul ball and handed it to my son. He threw it back. We stopped for pizza after the game. I didn't read a single text.

She came home the next day, just after we got home from church. The kids didn't rush to see her.

"They weren't happy that you didn't kiss them goodbye."

Sad but true.

She came to me for a hug. I declined. There were tears.

Why couldn't I understand? Why couldn't I give her this one thing? Why couldn't I see it her way, and let her live a little before she got old?

Why this, why that, talk about getting old. But I let her talk. I let her talk a lot. I let her talk herself out. Then I gave her a present.

"Baby, these are..."

"...divorce papers, right. I think I'm being fair. We both make about as much. You take what's yours, I'll take what's mine. Keep the house, I'll buy a new place nearby. I'll take the beach house. We'll alternate weeks keeping the kids."

Dark.

"No! I don't want a divorce. Baby I love you! This was just..."

"... a total betrayal!"

Cold.

''Please no! I'm sorry! It was a stupid thing, and I see now I never should have expected this of you, and I disrespected you so badly. Please give me a second chance!"

"I did. Years ago, in college."

''Ok, I know. I know I don't deserve it. But you let me have a chance to win you back baby, remember?"

"Yeah, I do. Of course, it wasn't as easy to win me over the second time, was it? And it ended with your solemn promise that nothing like that would ever happen again. So now that I know your promises aren't really sincere..."

"No, honey, it's not like that! I am sincere about my promises."

"Fine. Convince me. No don't. Just Sign the papers, and don't fight the divorce."

"What if I refuse?"

"I'll divorce you anyway, on the grounds of adultery."

Bleak.

"I'll take you to the cleaners, and you'll never see the kids. You can't prove a thing."

"No? Check your phone. Read back through your texts."

"Oh."

"Just sign it so we can move on. Like you said, you've still got it."

She signed both copies of the papers, with a flourish.

"Just so you know, I'm coming after you again. You are going to be mine."

I took the papers and slipped them back into the envelope, and wished her well.

"At least kiss me goodbye."

"I can't. You still smell like him."

She went upstairs, and I could hear the shower running.

I left.

The shower wouldn't matter. She would still smell like him.

@@@@@

It wasn't cold. It might have been, but I couldn't tell. I was numb, and couldn't feel.

It wasn't bleak. It might have been, but I couldn't feel, and I really couldn't see anything. Oh, that's not right. I could see. It was bleak because nothing I saw ever registered as memorable.

I don't look forward to a future. The present is empty. Everyday I try my best to drown my memories of the past in 40 proof.

I barely eat. I've lost weight.

I don't run anymore, there's nothing to run to.

I'm tired all the time.

She's gone.

Again.

It didn't matter how much evidence I had. She got my house. She got my kids. She got my everything.

But...

She didn't get me.

I stop by the school yard every day and see my kids. I stop there before I open a new 40 proof.

She can't pick them up on time, and she can't stop me. So I see them every day. It isn't the same.

She didn't get alimony. She made more than I did. The judge ordered her to pay me. I turned it down.

I rent a room. I gave her everything because I want nothing.

My kids are in high school. I don't see them after school anymore. I do go to their games. I hear their concerts. But it's not the same.

She is there.

She looks bad. There are rings under eyes, her always red eyes. She gained weight. Her hair is gray, and thinning. Her figure has sagged. Haggard. She looks haggard. She looks like I feel. Yeah, I was happier with her than I am without, but that means jack...

No, I'm not going back. I'd rather be here, wallowing in self pity and 40 proof.

@@@@@

I have to change this. I don't deserve this. I deserve better.

My son graduates next spring. I need to be alive again by then. I pour all the 40 proof I have down the drain. I start to run again. I start to eat healthy things.

My body notices. It starts to put weight back where it belongs, though my running keeps it away from where it doesn't.

I feel better. I look better. I no longer smell of the alcohol that seeps through my body and escapes though the pores of my skin. I need a new scene to match the new me. That's when I realized. I have a beach house...

@@@@@

I hadn't been here since the divorce, but my kids had been coming here a lot, so it wasn't a heap of musty decay. They hadn't left it in the cleanest shape, but that was nothing a little elbow grease couldn't fix.

I quit my job. My boss wasn't happy, but when I told him I was moving to the beach, he knew it was something I needed. I still work for him, but now it's on a part time basis, and from the beach.

I spent some time improving the place. I had a seawall built between my back yard and the narrow strip of dunes below to protect me from erosion in a major storm. I expanded my deck and put in a complete outdoor kitchen and some other amenities.

I sold my car and bought a small Jeep with enough power and traction to manage a small boat at the launch in the harbor. I got rid of my old married clothes in favor of plenty of beach print camp shirts, shorts and cargo pants.

Then I went fishing.

Then I bought a Tiki Bar, and decided that now my beach home is my last home. My Tiki Bar customers are my family now. So are my kids. So are my kids spouses and their kids and their friends and their kids friends and my neighbors and everyone I meet in town and... I have lots of friends.

Some of my friends are women. Some are single women. They are good friends. how good? You don't get to know, I never tell!

@@@

Suddenly it's bright, and the sun shines every day.

The darkness is gone and forgotten. It's behind me.

Suddenly it's warm, as the sun beams on my deeply tanned shoulders.

The cold is gone. It's behind me.

Suddenly everything is vibrant, and alive.

The bleakness is gone, never to return.

The future's vibrant, the past is vibrant, and brightest of all is the present.

Colors pop. Food melts in my mouth. I go dancing every night.

She's gone.

For good.