Suicide- My Story

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Depression, Suicide, and Help
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I got a call today from Paula. She said she wanted to catch up with me since she hadn't heard from me in a couple weeks and was curious how I was doing. I called her back and talked to her for awhile and found out that Lynn and Tara were rather worried about me and what was going on. I called Lynn and told her what was going on. She was happy to hear from me and that I was okay and would be coming back to work. I called Tara and talked to her for awhile, too.

So what's been going on that I've missed two weeks of work that these people had to call my house? I couldn't leave my house. I had severe panic attacks. I promised to go see people and couldn't follow through. I cried for no reason. I was angry for no reason. My poor son had his head symbolically torn off more times than I care to count or remember. As for my husband, I just stayed away from him completely and never really talked to anyone who could help me or console me. I was tying up loose ends and didn't want to make new friends. I was going out and having fun so I could live it up before I died. I had every intention of dying. It was only a matter of time before I did and I had everything planned out. Am I crazy? Absolutely not.

In 2001, there were 24,672 reported US suicides. Of these 24, 672 reported suicides, 3,971 were reported in ages of 15 – 24. 86% of these deaths were male and 14% were female. Suicide is the third leading cause of death for this age bracket. Suicide is the eighth leading cause of death for US men. While women are reported to attempt suicide three times more often as men, men are four times more likely to die from suicide than females.

Death as the last sweet surrender to end a life that is completely pointless. To end a life that could no longer stand up to the pressures put on it by an outside world that I could never see fit to say no to. People depend on me. I can't let them down. I can't say no because I would disappoint them. I can't talk to them because they have their own problems to deal with. They don't want to hear mine. I can't tell anyone how I am feeling because they won't understand. They've never felt like I do. No one has ever felt like I do. No one can understand. Intellectually I knew that this reasoning was terribly flawed. Emotionally I "knew" that no one cared.

Suicide Risk Factors:

~Previous suicide attempt(s)

~History of mental disorders, particularly depression

~History of alcohol and substance abuse

~Family history of suicide

~Family history of child maltreatment

~Feelings of hopelessness

~Impulsive or aggressive tendencies

~Barriers to accessing mental health treatment

~Loss (relational, social, work, or financial)

~Physical illness

~Easy access to lethal methods

~Unwillingness to seek help because of the stigma attached to mental health and substance abuse disorders or suicidal thoughts

~Cultural and religious beliefs- for instance, the belief that suicide is a noble resolution of a personal dilemma

~Local epidemics of suicide

~Isolation, a feeling of being cut off from other people

The only one who can help me is me. Problem is, I didn't know where to start. I couldn't see a place to put my foot down that I didn't slide back into the muck. The abyss was threatening to pull me down, pull me inside, and suck me down to a place I didn't want to go. I didn't want to die. I just wanted it all to end. I wanted the world to stop for a few weeks, a month, and let me catch up. Let me catch my breath and I will be able to hold the weight of the world again. Let me sit down and take a break. Let me clean up my house and get this thing done and that thing done and all my studies done and notes taken and book written and then I can continue in a mundane world. I couldn't see an end to that, though. I couldn't find release in anything. The things that used to bring me pleasure, like playing video games with my son, didn't make me happy. It was an inconvenience on my time that was stretched way too thin as it was. The worst part of it all was that my friends didn't ever think I was the "type" to commit suicide. They weren't the type that would say, "She has warning signs of depression. We should watch out for her." They were more the type that would say, "I never saw this coming. I can't believe she actually ended her own life."

Many people at some time in their lives think about committing suicide. These are some of the feelings and thoughts they experience:

~Can't stop the pain

~Can't think clearly

~Can't make decisions

~Can't see any way out

~Can't sleep, eat or work

~Can't get out of depression

~Can't make the sadness go away

~Can't see a future without pain

~Can't see themselves as worthwhile

~Can't get someone's attention

~Can't seem to get control

In other words- If you honestly need the help and are not capable of doing it on your own, get help. If you are more than capable of doing it yourself and are just lazy, this is something others should hold in contempt. Needing medication for depression or anxiety is NOT a weakness. The true weakness is NOT getting help and suffering, then eventually committing suicide and ending a lifetime that was not yet over. Even if you don't see it, there ARE people out there who care about you and some of them might just be people you haven't met yet and you are denying that person the chance to know a truly wonderful person. If you are in the situation I was in, looking at the above statement makes you feel worse. You feel bad because you think you should be able to handle this on your own. You feel that you have to handle it on your own and no one else can help you but you, so why trouble anyone else with your problems? You feel that you CAN handle it on your own, even when you are so depressed that you don't want to get out of bed and the things that used to make you happy just plain flat out don't anymore. Or, in the extreme, you feel that you can handle it by ending your own life. I know. I have been there and I have gotten through to the other side. You are not crazy.

Ways to be helpful to someone threatening suicide:

~Be direct. Talk openly and matter-of-factly about suicide.

~Be willing to listen. Allow expressions of feelings. Accept the feelings.

~Be non-judgmental. Don't debate whether suicide is right or wrong, or whether feelings are good or bad. Don't lecture on the value of life.

~Get involved. Become available. Show interest and support.

~Don't dare him or her to do it.

~Don't act shocked. This will put distance between you.

~Don't be sworn to secrecy. Seek support.

~Offer hope that alternatives are available but do not offer glib reassurance.

~Take action. Remove means, such as guns or stockpiled pills.

~Get help from persons or agencies specializing in crisis intervention and suicide prevention

While it is true that only you can help you, I have to add this one clause: Only you can open your mouth and say to one person, "I need help." I have had depression my entire life and thought it was normal to feel this way. I resented the happy for being happy because I wasn't good enough to be happy this lifetime. The hardest thing is not saying, "Help me." The hardest thing you will do is accept the help that is given to you. Take the medication. Work through a therapy program. Help yourself. You are the one that has to be receptive to taking the medications and actually sticking to a self-help program. You have to make the decision that you don't want to be like this anymore and you miss being happy. Asking for help is not a weakness. Accepting help is not a weakness. Being happy is not a weakness. You have the right to exist and thrive and BE, just like everyone else. It is okay to love yourself: Love is never wrong.

http://www.cdc.gov/ncipc/factsheets/suifacts.htm

http://www.suicidology.org/displaycommon.cfm?an=2

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7 Comments
AnonymousAnonymousover 9 years ago
lost

I have no one else. I am alone with no one close to fall back on. I am not about to attempt suicide, but I am close and have a history of attempts. I know if I die sooner rather than later it won't make much difference. I know I will die cold and alone by myself whether I'm 35 or 105 with not much influence on this hell we call Earth. I've gotten help before a couple times but it only worked for a period of time and life has gotten to be unhappier more and more with no end in sight. I fear accepting the inevitable of suicide only by the fear of being labeled a coward. I am a veteran and do not wish to be labeled a coward by people who do not know me or wish to know me. Hopeless signing off for now.

AnonymousAnonymousover 10 years ago
thank you

Thank you everything you said is right where i am at.

tazz317tazz317about 12 years ago
VERY SOUND THERAPY

if for a loved one or a patient. TK U MLJ LV NV

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 16 years ago
been there

at ten i couldnt leave the house due to some rather unpleasant, but very minor, sexual touching from my mother boyfriend at the time.

So i understand what it is like to feel very vunerable and afraid.

It's been six years since then, and i can finally say im an okay person, who deserves to live. And i have learnt it takes a strong person to finaly see that in themselves. I can finally entertain the idea that im okay as a person, (if not a bit weird lol). This article made me cry.

thankyou.

jane_is_deadjane_is_deadabout 19 years ago
Excellent work.

As someone who has both suffered from severe depression and lost someone close though suicide, I have to commend you on your essay. A well writen and informative piece, I thought it was very brave of you to admit the problems that you had/have. It is these 'real life experiences' that will help others who may not realise (or want to admit) that they have been feeling similar, and seek the help that is most suited to them. Well done.

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