Surefoot 07: Uncertainty Principle

"The first principle is that you must not fool yourself, and you are the easiest person to fool."

-Richard Feynman

Starbase 74, Fourteen Months Ago:

The Caitian woman entered the broken room, not seeing its occupant but hearing and smelling him. "Good morning, Captain. My name is Kami Shall, your new Counselor."

He didn't answer.

She stepped forward and drew her tail around, allowing the door to slide shut behind her and lock, and allowing the guards outside to relax. She looked around. They had confined him to these quarters rather than a cell, allowing him more furniture to smash and overturn. She noted the mirror mounted on one wall, now looking like some fractal art display with all the cracked patterns given it with repeated punches. "I like what you've done with the place. Your previous Counselors told me about it, but their words didn't do it justice."

Still no answer.

She knew where he was: even without her nose and ears, she saw part of his foot sticking out from behind an overturned table in the corner of the room. Her nose confirmed what she had read in his file: male, middle-aged, and the victim of abuse and neglect. Her nose told her more, smelled the anger and fear - an understandable reaction, given his terrible circumstances. "Do you mind if I come close to see you?"

"Yes," he finally replied, sounding numb.

She paused. "Well, I can stay where I am, but I won't go away. It might be nice if we were face to face, so I can see who I'm helping."

"You can't help me," he declared.

"Oh, you shouldn't have said that. All my life, whenever I've been told I can't do something, my stubborn defiant streak rises up, and I do everything in my power to prove them wrong. 'Kami, you can't climb those rocks.' 'Kami, you can't make it in Starfleet.' 'Kami, you can't bend forward enough to lick yourself.'" After a pause she clarified, "Actually, I haven't managed that last one, but it's not for lack of trying-"

"Go away." There was a growl lacing his words.

She approached, ignoring her raised hackles and the warnings from Security about how aggressive he had become since his confinement pending his retrial. "Sorry, I didn't hear that, let me come closer."

Hrelle was sitting on the floor behind the upturned table, his back to the wall, staring at the far corner of the room. She saw all the injuries she expected: the missing tail and claws, the bits of ear tips, the scars on his face and muzzle, the gaunt frame and gaunt expression. But now she noticed the patches on him where fur had been pulled out - not from shaving or natural hair loss, but ripped out at the roots and dropped around him, leaving bloodied patches on his skin.

She forced down her reaction at this, a truly foreboding sign of distress among their people. Still, this was to be expected, too; after years focused on merely surviving and escaping slavery, now that he had accomplished it, he could face what he had undergone - and what he had lost.

And that could be the tipping point for stronger minds than his. "Esek Hrelle, Clan Hrelle'Deskin'Thrass'Miran'Deelkin... did I pronounce it right? No wonder we shorten them. You're from the R'Trerah Archipelago, aren't you? Fisherfolk, yes? They say you can never get the smell of the salt air out of your fur. I've never been myself, but I used to read those old stories about the sailing ship from there. The Surefoot, I think it was called? My clan is from Csirl. Nothing special, just desert and rocks, but to hear my father tell, it was the birthplace of the Great Mother Herself-"

"Do you ever stop talking?" he muttered, still not looking at her.

"Sure, when you start talking back." Kami slid down, facing him, her back against the opposite wall and her tail curled around to rest on her lap. "I understand you were offered a chance to contact your clan, but you declined."

He looked away. "My clan disowned me when I joined Starfleet."

"Their loss. But at least Sasha is coming."

Mention of his human stepdaughter's name made him react, despite his efforts not to. "She shouldn't."

"I spoke to her this morning while she was waiting for a transport off of Vulcan. She'd been travelling non-stop for the last four days, from Earth to Starbase 12 to Vulcan, and she has another three days and four starships to go; fortunately, the Starfleet Academy Superintendent pulled some strings, and you've got a lot of friends out there." She smiled. "Even if you didn't, I don't think the might of the Klingon Empire itself could keep her from being with her Dad again."

His expression tightened.

"She's a beautiful young girl," Kami continued. "I bet her mother was beautiful-"

"Send her back."

"Why?"

"I don't want to see her."

"Liar."

Now he looked directly at her, his gaze dark and dangerous. "Her mother *was* beautiful. And kind, and funny, and warm, and smelled like honey. And I murdered her. Her, all the people who died on Salem Four, my crew-"

"Still lying."

"Starfleet doesn't think so. They're retrying me-"

"No, they're reopening the case. You were tried and convicted in absentia of collusion with the Bel-Zon. But now they know the truth. This is just a formality."

"Tell that to the guards outside."

"They're outside because you chose to redecorate your room in Early Chaos, and have frightened off anyone else who approaches you."

"I killed Hannah!" he bellowed, the tears welling up in his eyes.

"No, you didn't." Kami replied calmly, fighting her natural urge to mirror the tremendous sorrow and rage she felt trapped inside him. "You were tortured, and the Bel-Zon employed a telepath to probe your mind for Salem Four's security codes. They murdered Hannah. And all the others. No one's blaming you - except yourself."

"That's enough for me."

She chuckled. "And for me, too. I'm going to have my hands full just fixing you."

"You can't fix me!" he declared loudly. "I'm a monster! I HURT PEOPLE! Now get out, before I hurt you too!"

Kami regarded him silently a moment longer, before helping herself back to her feet, swaying slightly as if dizzy. "As you wish, Captain. But if you change your mind- ARRRGH!" She had been starting away when she suddenly doubled over, clutching her abdomen, before dropping to all fours, crying out in pain. "Seven Hells- Help me, please!"

He was at her side like a flash. "What is it, what's wrong?"

She looked up, face screwed up in pain. "My baby- It hurts- Great Mother, IT HURTS!"

Concern drove him as he looked her over, before rising back to his feet. "Hold on, I'll get help- Guards! GUARDS!"

Then she stopped and lay on her side, reclining leisurely. "Hmph. Some monster you are."

He stopped. "What? Your baby- you said it hurts!"

"Yes - my baby is seventeen years old and a pilot on Cait, and just thinking about how handsome and wonderful he is and how much I love him... well, it hurts."

He stood there, aghast. "You were pretending?"

"I was acting. My father used to say I was the best little actress he ever knew."

Shock quickly boiled into anger. "You... you kussik!"

She rested on one elbow as she looked up at him, smiling. "My father used to say that, too, until his husband started smacking him for using bad language in front of cubs."

"WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?" he roared.

She remained insouciant. "A number of reasons, really. Firstly, to see that look on your face; it was priceless. Secondly, to demonstrate that I can see through your shit as easily as if you were wearing a sign around your neck; you're not a monster, just a man who's been hurt more than anyone can ever imagine - but is not beyond saving, to judge from his reaction just now to a stranger in distress.

And finally, to show you that I'm not like any other Counselor you'll have met. I'm not being fooled, I'm not being intimidated, I'm not going away, and I'm not stopping until you no longer need me." She sighed. "Now, your little girl will be here in a couple of days; we don't have much time to make you presentable." She reached out and patted the floor. "Sit."

"What, down there?"

"You've wrecked every piece of furniture in here except for the bed. And there's no way in the Seven Hells I'm ever going to be caught lying in bed with you."

*

USS Surefoot, Deck 1, Captain's Quarters, Now:

Hrelle and Kami lay together in the dark, their combined scents mingling under the covers, Hrelle's hand cupping one of her breasts. "Are you okay?"

She made pleasing sounds in response, breathing in slowly and deeply. But then she murmured, "Oh, Esek... what in the Seven Hells have we done?"

"Therapy."

"That's not funny."

"It's not meant to be."

"I mean it, Captain. I'm your Counselor, this is a serious breach of ethics. If anyone found out-"

He sighed, brushing up against her, stirring a little again as he pressed against her tail.

"What am I gonna do with you?" she asked plaintively.

For a moment, there was only the soft hum of the nearby heater.

Then he replied, "Marry me."

Kami lay there, absolutely still. She'd even stopped breathing.

Hrelle shifted, despite the effort to keep the blankets still and keep swaddled in their heat and scent from their sex. "You didn't fall asleep, did you? I thought you might have had more stamina than that-"

"Computer: Lights!"

Hrelle blinked in the sudden illumination, as Kami twisted around in place to leer over him, her mane draped around her taut face, her eyes wide. "Is that meant to be a joke?"

He shook his head, drawing back until his head pressed harder against his pillow. "No. No, Kami. I wouldn't joke about something like this."

"Say it again," she challenged.

He breathed in. "Marry me."

She seemed to study him for a heartbeat more - before kicking off the covers and rising to her feet, stomping about the sleeping area of his quarters, around the portable heater standing in the centre of the room providing comfort in the midst of the Grey Alert. Then she stopped again, baring her teeth. "Is this because of what we just did? Are you being chivalrous or something?"

Now he sat up, confused by her response. "No, I'm not. I asked because I love you. Because I've loved you for a very long time. I'm not telling you anything new, am I?"

"You've never said anything before!"

"Did I have to?"

"It would have been nice to hear it before you proposed to me!"

Hrelle slipped out from under the covers now, rising naked and joining her. "I'm sorry, Kami. You're right, I guess I should have said something sooner. I didn't plan on proposing to you. I didn't plan on having sex, either. Maybe I'm still riding on the crest of that hormone surge from our latest arrival-"

"Oh, so now you're saying you didn't mean what you said or did-"

"ENOUGH!" he snapped. "Mother's Cubs, I have loved you from the first day we met, when you saw through my lies and my shields and the terror I'd felt at having to face what I've gone through before my escape! You put me together again. You gave me life."

She frowned at him, her anger subsiding. "You put yourself together, idiot. And I didn't give you life, that makes me sound like your mother, and that's just creepy." She began pacing again, slowly now, her tail swishing behind her. "And it's creepy enough already, with you being my patient. Starfleet Medical frowns on their staff having sex with their patients; I could have my licence to practice revoked.

It's my own fault. I let it happen. Seven Hells, I encouraged it: the flirting, the nudity, the sleepovers. I told myself it was just our being Caitian, no one else would understand." Her face took on an anxious expression now. "How could I possibly be objective? I might have avoided problems or overlooked aspects of your recovery that could do you serious psychological damage in the long term."

He rose now from under the covers, joining her in standing. "You told me yourself not an hour ago that I was not the man I was. Remember? 'You're a good, decent, stable, loving man'-"

"As long as your file recommends Compulsory Counseling, I should have kept my distance more. I've... I've let you down, Esek."

He swallowed, his eyes wide and contrite. "No, it was me, Kami. I'm sorry, I was being incredibly selfish. Let's just forget about-"

"NO!" she cried, suddenly stabbing a finger at him. "Don't you dare try to take that back! Don't you dare try to take that back from me! It's too late! It's..." She clutched him, arms around him, squeezing him for dear life, the tears on her cheeks wetting the fur on his chest as he embraced her back, her voice muffled against him. "You try and take that away from me now, I promise you the Great Mother Herself will have your balls for breakfast!"

He stroked her mane. "She won't get much of a meal out of them right now. They're pretty drained." He nuzzled against the side of her head. "So... whatever happens, is your answer Yes?"

She started to reply - but then checked herself, wiping her furry face. "No. There's work to do first."

"At 0330 Hours?"

"I'm not coming anywhere near you again, not until we get the Compulsory Counseling orders dropped on you; that requires a second Counselor's authorisation, and I think I know who to call for that."

"Again, I ask: why the hurry?"

She stared at him. "Because I don't want to lie to T'Varik or Sasha or anyone else onboard. And I don't want to put any of them in the position where they have to lie or cover for us to Starfleet Medical. Do you want to do that?"

"Of course not."

She reached for her clothes and began dressing. "Get back to bed. Counselor's Orders." She paused and smiled. "Maybe we can get married on Cait after my cub?"

"Or even at the same time? Since all your clan will be there already?"

She snorted. "My father would smack us back into orbit for wanting to take the spotlight away from his grandcub's Big Day." Fully dressed now, she returned to him, nuzzling his cheek and giving him a little nip on the neck. "Good night, Esek. I love you."

He embraced her again. "I love you too."

He kept his smile until she departed, before shivering and returning to bed. "Computer: Lights Out." Back in blackness, he lay there, fighting the temptation to fall asleep, his own thoughts as frantic as Kami's.

He had made love with her. He had proposed. Both actions out of nowhere, without warning.

He wasn't sorry in the least. He loved Kami. But he was still awestruck that he had done it at all.

And by how his impulsive act could still go horribly wrong for them.

*

Counselor's Office, 0400 Hours:

"I'm sorry to disturb you at this time, Bill."

The human male on the desktop screen had a round, pleasant face, large ears and receding, greying hair, and now smiled at Kami. "I always have time for my favourite Caitian. But I do have to wonder why you're calling for a co-sign, instead of just putting it through the usual channels?" The tone in Commander Hilliard's voice made his question sound less rhetorical and more mandatory.

Out of sight of the screen, Commander T'Varik sat, cradling a hot cup of Vulcan tea and silently watching her friend converse with the Starfleet Medical Adjutant. Kami ignored her, focusing on the screen and smiling. "Well, Bill, I've been really pleased with Captain Hrelle's progress, and though he still needs some Counseling, I think it would be important for him to feel like he could come to me voluntarily - you know how these Captains get."

The man chuckled. "Yes, they hate the notion that they need help from anyone."

She smiled. "Exactly. And removing the requirement for mandatory counseling sessions with him will also free me to focus more on the well-being of the cadets and crew."

He grunted good-naturedly. "Fine. Send me your files on him, I'll give them the once-over and rubber stamp the clearance. Hilliard out."

As the screen went blank, Kami leaned forward and reached for her own cup of tea while it was still hot, grateful for its warmth. "How did you make this, with the power still out?"

"A hand phaser on a low setting to heat the liquid. How are you feeling now?"

Kami smiled. "Relieved. I'll be more relieved when Bill clears Esek. I'll feel less guilty."

T'Varik eyed her silently.

"What?"

"You still lied to your friend. And having him co-sign Captain Hrelle's clearance now will not change your earlier actions."

"I know," Kami admitted. "Neither of us planned this. I mean, one moment, I'm telling him that growing old is part of living, and that he was better off spending his time celebrating being alive. The next moment, we were both... celebrating."

"Nevertheless, you are both responsible adults, though you often act otherwise. It was foolish in the extreme."

Kami frowned. "I thought you were my friend."

"I am. But I refuse to be a palliative friend. I will not spare you the harsh truth, especially given my position onboard as First Officer and Liaison to our cadets."

"What does that have to do with it?"

"Your relationship with the Captain, including your 'sleepovers', has been a source of idle gossip among the cadets and crew. This is an understandable occurrence for a ship of this size, and very few onboard are aware that the Captain is also your patient. Were this information released, however, it would certainly have an adverse affect on how the two of you are perceived. At any rate, given your own confessed feelings to me about Captain Hrelle in the past, it was reckless of you to allow a situation to arise where you might succumb to temptation, as you did tonight." She paused and added, "I am sorry if my criticism has damaged our friendship-"

"No. It hasn't." She set aside her cup and rubbed her temples. "I screwed up. I should have kept a more professional distance. You're right. I'm the worst."

"I did not say that," T'Varik denied mildly. "Having dealt with numerous Counselors at the Academy, I can confirm that, while your manner is... singular, your efficacy is obvious, especially with the cadets, and you have provided me with great insight - no mean feat, I can assure you. As for your relationship with the Captain, it is annoying in its playfulness. But both of you are responsible adults. Usually."

"Yes."

"You regret your actions tonight, and have taken steps to rectify them."

"Yes."

"And you have made no lasting emotional entanglements as a result of them."

Kami didn't respond.

"What haven't you told me?" T'Varik asked.

Kami breathed out, smiling. "Does it count as 'emotional entanglement' if he proposed marriage to me, and I didn't exactly turn him down?"

T'Varik stared at her before declaring, "You vex me."

"In my defence, I was still reeling from the most mind-blowing orgasms I have experienced in years! He was so strong, but also gentle! And he was so hard, too, you wouldn't believe-"

T'Varik raised a hand to cut her off. "Counselor, Vulcans are raised to believe that the pursuit of knowledge is an ideal without limits, that one cannot possess too much information. I have since confirmed that this is an erroneous belief. As much as I value our friendship and the ability to share confidential information, I do not require details on the Captain's... tumescent properties."

*

Alpha Squad Quarters, a Day Later:

Six cadets sat on the floor in various stages of undress, cards in hand and discarded clothes in a pile next to them, while a seventh sat separately in a chair, fully clothed and blanketed, hot-phasered drink in her hands, watching the game with diminishing interest. "Seriously, are you schmucks really going to keep playing in this cold?"

Neraxis was down to her bra and shorts, but she remained cheerful. "Bolians have no problem with these temperatures. You're just jealous that you can't play."

"Yeah," Sasha agreed, sipping at her cocoa as she watched the shivering gamblers. "You see right through me. Here I am, keeping warm and toasty when I could be one of you idiots losing your bits to frostbite."