Surefoot 08: The Walking Wounded

PERSONAL LOG, CADET JONAS OSTROW, STARDATE 35398.74:

If you're reading this, that means you're examining my logs, trying to find some clues as to why I did what I did. I don't know exactly how I did it, I've thought about it, but haven't decided what would be the most painless way. I don't want pain. If I wanted pain, I'd have stayed alive.

But it's obvious I *did* do it, somehow, or you wouldn't be here.

You want answers: Why did I do it? Why didn't I come to you sooner? What could you have done to stop me?

Why did I do it? Because I'm tired. I'm tired of being afraid and angry and recognising what a worthless piece of shit I am. How I don't deserve to be in this Squad, on this ship, in Starfleet. I don't deserve to be home, either, having to face Mom or the people in her company. I don't deserve to be anywhere.

I go through the motions every day now. I pretend to sleep soundly. I pretend to enjoy my meals, I pretend to laugh at my friends' jokes and pretend to love going to work and pretend to Counselor Shall that everything is getting better for me.

But obviously it's not, or you wouldn't be reading this. I know that the memories that Lt. Aiken planted in me were false... but the feelings behind them, the feelings that made them so strong, were true. You may want to believe I'm the victim of a telepathic assault. But I'm really a victim of a bad life. I hated myself before that. Maybe Aiken did me a favour by making me finally face the truth.

Why didn't I come to you sooner? Because I can't. I'm moving from day to day with no purpose, like a ship adrift in some cosmic current. I'm not in control anymore. The voice in the back of my head is true. It tore me apart, piece by piece, taking away my power, my voice, leaving me an observer in my own body. I choke on every lie I tell everyone around me, on every false smile I give them. I'm permanently numb - but somehow I still feel pain, a constant ache I can't escape.

What could you have done to stop me?

Nothing. I need you all to understand that. All of you: Captain Hrelle, Counselor Shall, Commander T'Varik, Kit, Sasha, Eydiir, Rrori, Giles... Neraxis... This isn't your fault. You are all amazing, wonderful people, more family than friends. This is the best place to be, the best I could ever hope for. It can't- can't get any better than this.

That's... That's how I know that what I did, whatever I did, was for the best. The Universe Had Other Plans for me.

I don't want to die. I just want the voice to shut up and leave me alone and I want the pain and the numbness to stop. And I don't want any of you feeling guilty about this.

Because I'm not worth it...

*

USS Surefoot, Deck 1, Captain/Counselor's Quarters:

Captain Hrelle stood naked in front of his mirror, twisting to look at his rear end. "So... shall I do it? Shall I regrow the tail?"

Kami was slipping into her uniform, feeding her own tail through the slit in the lower back. "Told you before, I love you, tail or not."

"That's not an answer."

"Get dressed, you have that briefing, and you can't go looking like that."

"I would if you dared me." As he began dressing, he looked over at his new wife, smiling at his good fortune - and then frowning. "What's wrong?"

She stood up, flicking back her mane and tying the fine bronze hairs together. "It's Jonas. I'm worried about him."

He slipped into his boots. "I thought he'd been making progress?"

"Oh, I get all the right answers from him. Answers that aren't in his eyes or his body language or scent. He refused a mind meld with T'Varik, but I suppose no one can blame him if he has a phobia of telepathy. He remains profoundly depressed, but he's hiding it from me. Maybe himself, too."

Now he approached. "Is it serious? Does he need to be taken off duty temporarily?"

"I don't know yet. I'll have a read through his personal logs later, see if I can get any clues as to his state of mind."

"You're going to do that without his permission?"

She looked at him challengingly. "It's not something I do lightly, Esek. I want to respect the privacy of my patients. But if I think it's serious enough-"

He held up his furry hands, smiling slightly. "Hey, I trust your judgement. Just let me know if I can do anything."

"Thanks, but I've got some people working on it now." She drew in and brushed against the side of his muzzle, nipping his neck slightly. "Oh, and for the record: grow the tail back. It'll give me something else to play with down there besides what you usually offer me."

*

Deck 1, Briefing Room:

Commander T'Varik rose from the table, indicating the display screen behind the still-seated Captain Hrelle as she addressed the senior officers and cadet squad leaders. "As you will note, we have halted our progress to Starbase 154 on the detection of this abandoned vessel, a Vulcan freighter registered as the Saaruuv, reported stolen from Karakol 82 days previously. It is suspected to have been used by Orion smugglers to escape law enforcement, and we believed abandoned here for a faster vessel.

There are no lifesigns onboard, and no threats detected, and we have remotely reactivated life support and main power systems. The cadet squads have been assigned areas onboard the Saaruuv to run standard security sweeps, making recordings for Starfleet Intelligence files. Meanwhile, the Engineering Specialists in the squads will assist Chief Grev and his team in performing diagnostics on the engineering and propulsion systems, to determine if the vessel can be brought to Starbase 154 on its own power, or if it will require towing by the Surefoot. Captain? Anything more to add?"

Hrelle straightened up. "I know there's a desire to impress us with your skills and initiative. Well in this case, keep it in your pants. Starfleet Intelligence requires properly gathered evidence, not amateur detectives trying to solve the mystery of the freighter thieves. And those cadets testing the systems should do just that, don't power up anything or try to get the ship running on your own. You're there to do exactly what's expected of you, no more, no less. Believe me, we're already impressed with you, or you wouldn't be here."

"Well put, Sir." The Vulcan returned to her audience. "The cadet squads will be equipped and ready at the Transporter Room at 0900 Hours, and your individual orders will be fed to your tricorders. Dismissed."

*

SECURITY AUDIO TRANSCRIPT ALPHA SQUAD, STARDATE 35425.08 LOCATION: FREIGHTER SAARUUV, WARP CONDUIT ROOM PRESENT:

SQUAD LEADER SASHA HRELLE (COMMAND) CADET EYDIIR DAUGHTER-OF-KAAS (MEDICAL) CADET JONAS OSTROW (ENGINEERING) CADET NERAXIS NEMM (SECURITY) CADET MEOW RRORI (FLIGHT OPS) CADET KITIRIK (SCIENCE)

HRELLE: Okay, Jonas, you get to work on the diagnostics in here, the rest of us will sweep the port nacelle. Where's the access hatch?

OSTROW: There, just behind you. Here, you'll need my magnetic coupler to open it.

[0904 HOURS: SOUNDS OF HATCH OPENING]

NEMM: Good work, Scrappy. Think that coupler will help me get into Bobby's pants?

OSTROW: No.

HRELLE: Stow it, this is being recorded, remember. I don't think Starfleet Intelligence is going to be interested in your crush on Cadet Beaudine.

NEMM: You never know...

KITIRIK: 'Crush'? This is slang for infatuation, is it not? But 'Crush' typically indicates an act of destruction?

RRORI: Because that's how infatuations usually end, my friend, with the lovesick broken. Sadly, many of my admirers have ended up in such states. I've often considered setting up support groups for those whose hearts I've broken.

NEMM: I thought it took all your effort to stay humble?

RRORI: I am brilliant enough to manage both.

HRELLE: So, my warnings that this is all being recorded have basically been ignored, am I right? Neraxis, Eydiir, Rrori, Kit, get going up into the nacelle, we'll leave Jonas to his work.

KITIRIK: Respected Squad Leader, may I please stay here to assist Friend Jonas?

HRELLE: Assist him? You're a Science Specialist. If anything, Rrori would be better suited to assist him.

RRORI: Yes, I would be most adept.

KITIRIK: True, but I am currently working on a paper on the destructive effects of warp fields on local space, and Friend Jonas could assist me in providing some background information.

HRELLE: Fine, but remember we're here to do a job.

KITIRIK: Thank you, Respected Squad Leader.

[0906-0908 HOURS: SOUNDS - TRICORDER SCANS AND INSTRUMENT PANELS BEING REMOVED]

OSTROW: All standard so far; the Vulcans keep a well-ordered ship. So, what do you want to know, Kit?

KITIRIK: Know? About what?

OSTROW: This paper you said you're working on... (PAUSE) You *are* working on one, aren't you?

KITIRIK: I must regrettably admit I was being economical with the truth about that. I merely wished an excuse to be with you.

OSTROW: Me? Why?

KITIRIK: How are you feeling, Friend Jonas?

OSTROW: There's nothing wrong with me.

KITIRIK: Oh.

OSTROW: You have a problem with that?

KITIRIK: No... If that is indeed the truth.

OSTROW: Why wouldn't it be?

KITIRIK: In my experience, humanoids respond to such queries in several ways; your response suggests a defensive denial of a harsher truth.

OSTROW: I'm not being defensive- wait a minute.

KITIRIK: Is there a problem?

OSTROW: Now that I think about it, you've been pretty interested in me the last couple of days - you and Eydiir. She had me go over the diagnostics on her medical tricorder yesterday, all while trying to make small talk with me - she's really bad at it - and before that you had me spend time with you in that holodeck swamp program-

KITIRIK: I did apologise that you could not appreciate the joy of catching bugs with your tongue-

OSTROW: Why the interest?

KITIRIK: It... Friend Jonas, there is worry about you.

OSTROW: Worry? There's nothing to be worried about.

KITIRIK: Forgive me, but I beg to differ. You have become withdrawn, you no longer participate in activities you once enjoyed, you barely eat, and I have noticed broken sleep patterns. You also have a message from your mother that you have yet to open and listen to-

OSTROW: How the hell do you know about that?

KITIRIK: I have admittedly broken protocol by looking over your shoulder at your PADD. You keep staring at the unopened message icon, but never open it. You have always been enthusiastic about hearing from her. We are worried for you-

OSTROW: 'We'? Who's 'we'?

CADET KITIRIK: ...The Most Respected Counselor-

OSTROW: Kami? I've been seeing her several times a week, and she never said anything!

KITIRIK: No. But she knows you have been trying to deceive her. Or yourself. So she asked Friend Eydiir and I to see what we could discern.

OSTROW: Yes, well, there's absolutely nothing wrong with me, except that everyone's on my back and won't leave me the hell alone! So go back to her and tell her that her spy failed!

[0910 HOURS: SOUNDS - TRICORDER SCANS]

KITIRIK: I am no spy, Friend Jonas. I am your friend. As is Friend Eydiir and the Most Respected Counselor. As is everyone else.

OSTROW: Will you just shut the fuc- Oh, shit, Kit, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you. I'm just tired, that's all. Everything's fine. I'm just tired. (SOUNDS OF REMOVED PANEL) Stand back, Kit.

KITIRIK: What are you doing, Friend Jonas?

OSTROW: I'm powering up the plasma coil.

KITIRIK: Forgive me, Friend Jonas, but does that note xceed our orders?

0910 HOURS: SOUND - COMMUNICATOR CHIRP

OSTROW: Ostrow here.

VOICE OF COUNSELOR KAMI SHALL: Jonas, I want you to come back to the ship. Right now.

OSTROW: Counselor, I'm in the middle of some delicate work here, can't it wait?

SHALL: No. We need to talk.

OSTROW: What's this all about?

SHALL: I've accessed your Personal Logs.

OSTROW: ...I... I can explain-

SHALL: You're suspended from duty, effective immediately. Now get back here or I'll have the Captain come and collect you.

OSTROW: I... okay, I'm on my way. Ostrow out. (PAUSE) Kit, would you- would you go get Sasha, explain to her that I have to head back to the ship? I need to close all this up again, and I don't want to keep the Counselor waiting.

KITIRIK: Why do you not just call Friend Sasha on your communicator?

OSTROW: The nacelle lining blocks transmissions.

KITIRIK: Oh... of course. I shall go now.

OSTROW: Kit?

KITIRIK: Yes, Friend Jonas?

OSTROW: Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for caring. You don't have to bother.

KITIRIK: It is no bother. It is a pleasure. I will inform Friend Sasha.

OSTROW: Take your time.

[0912 HOURS: SOUNDS - MAGNETIC COUPLER ON METAL, TRICORDER SAFETY ALERT SIGNAL, PLASMA STREAM FLARE CRACKLING - SEE DIAGNOSTIC DATA FOR FURTHER INFORMATION]

KITIRIK: Surefoot! Emergency beam out! Two to beam out-

*

USS Surefoot, Deck 4, Sickbay:

The crewmen carried Kitirik straight through and quickly but gently set him down on the nearest biobed, the overhead monitors instantly identifying the occupant and providing Dr Ling with the necessary information, as black-red blood pumped from Kitirik's wounds on his lower half. "Massive plasma burns and secondary lacerations to his legs, groin and hip, severe nerve damage - Quinn, get the dermal regenerator unit powered up! Pruhl, get the supply of Qarari blood stock -"

"What type?"

Ling was quickly cutting away the burned, tattered remains of the cadet's uniform. "We only have the one, since we only have one Qarari onboard, now get moving, and get it all! We're gonna need it! Cadet, lie back, we'll have you sedated in a moment-"

Kit started to rise. "No, Respected Doctor- must speak with- Respected Captain-"

Ling pushed him back down again. "My patients don't walk out on me. Especially when they can't walk at all."

T'Varik entered. "What is Mr Kitirik's status, Doctor?"

Ling never looked up from her analysis. "He might live if he can lie still and let us work on him. Mind telling me what happened?"

"I was hoping to ascertain this now-"

"W-Where-" Kit interrupted, his normally-green pallor turning a nasty-looking white. "Where's Friend Jonas?"

"He did not accompany you? The computer beamed both of you onboard on your signal."

Cadet Pruhl caught the tail end of the conversation as she returned with the blood. "He was in the Transporter Room, Commander, and he didn't appear injured. I thought he was following us here-"

"Respected Commander," Kit coughed, gasping in pain despite the neural blockers being placed in various points on his body. "Exposed plasma stream- Friend Jonas- deliberately triggered flare- no accident- he sent me away-"

"You are certain of this?"

"We need to get working on these injuries," Ling snapped. "To prevent long-term damage!"

But the Qarari continued to struggle to speak. "Respected Commander, if Friend Jonas thinks- thinks I was injured, or worse, because of his actions- in his present state of mind-"

"Understood. Proceed, Doctor." T'Varik touched her combadge. "Cadet Ostrow: respond immediately. Jonas: please respond." She tapped her combadge again, raising her voice. "All hands: Emergency Search Protocols. Find Cadet Jonas Ostrow and report to me at once."

A moment later, she received a response. "Commander, it's Kami, you can call off the search, he's with me." Captain Hrelle entered Sickbay as the Counselor then asked, "Will Kit be okay?"

The Vulcan looked at the cadet on the biobed, now fully sedated and undergoing treatment. "He is being worked on as we speak; I believe he will eventually make a full recovery. The Captain and I are proceeding to your office-"

"Give us a little time first, please."

T'Varik looked to Hrelle, who nodded silently. "Report when you are ready to receive us. T'Varik out." To Hrelle she added, "It is as the Counselor feared. We should talk. Keep us updated on Kit's progress, Doctor."

*

PERSONAL LOG, CADET JONAS OSTROW, STARDATE 35466.14:

I'm sitting on the floor of the Isolation Room in Sickbay. They didn't want to put me in the Brig, but they needed a place where they could keep a constant eye on me, and make sure I don't try to hurt myself again. They should have put me in the Brig. It's where I belong. Here, this seems too humane.

But for a while, I was able to see Kit, over in the Recovery Area, before they finally moved him out. At least Dr Ling stopped by to finally answer my questions and confirm that he'd be okay. Eventually. He never woke up, never saw me.

I'm glad for that. It was bad enough, seeing the look in Kami's eyes, and then the Captain's and T'Varik's, when they finally confronted me. I felt the hate, the disgust from them. I don't blame them one bit. I hate myself even more. I never set out to hurt anyone else, just myself.

It's so easy to get hurt in Engineering. There's always something around you that can burn you, or worse, if you don't treat it right: plasma coils, magnetic constrictors, deuterium injectors, EPS conduits. I'm surprised more people don't get killed there. My Mom runs a salvage company, and I grew up around machines, and she made sure that every worker under her taught me how to stay alive and not take risks. It took a lot to make me do what I did, and when Kami had called me back, I knew a chance like this would never come again for me. So I took it.

The thing is... as soon as I activated the coupler, knowing that its magnetic field would attract a plasma flare and kill me... I knew it was wrong. I immediately regretted it, even as I knew it was too late to stop it. When we were camping out on Malbruk II, I tried playing Slideball with some of the others. And I remember at one point seeing the ball coming down from afar, coming straight for me... and I felt frozen, unable to catch it, or even move aside to keep it from hitting me in the face. And yet, I saw it coming, so time was passing.

And it was like that on the Vulcan freighter. I felt every hair on my body stand on end, my eyes blinded by the brilliance of the white-hot plasma fire lashing out towards me. I didn't want to die anymore - but I was going to die nevertheless.

Until Kit leapt up, calling for a beam-out even as he was tackling me, the plasma flare hitting him instead. He screamed in my ear, his body spasming as the transporter beam took us both away... God, I could smell his flesh and uniform as it burned...

I didn't want to die then. But I do now. I'm going to get dishonourably discharged, sent to the Stockade. And why not? I nearly killed a crewmate. A good friend. Someone worth a hundred of me.

Oh God, Kit, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry...

*

Deck 4, Sickbay Recovery Room:

Kit lay on the biobed, dermal patches covering the damaged areas on his body, the patches designed to dissolve once the regeneration cycles were complete and additional protection against infection was no longer required. He was near-naked but seemingly not self-conscious about it, either due to cultural traits or the continued sedation, or perhaps both.

"The cycles are almost complete," Ling informed his visitors. "When I release him, he'll need a cane to walk for a few days. And I recommend he stays away from plasma streams in the future."

"That is advice I will happily follow, Respected Doctor. I found the one time more than sufficient."

As the doctor left, T'Varik informed him, "I will be putting you up for a commendation for your actions, Cadet-"

"No, Respected Commander. I must decline the offer."

Beside T'Varik, Hrelle leaned in. "It's okay, Kit. You deserve it."

"Forgive my lack of appreciation for the gesture, Respected Captain, but... I will not profit at the expense of a sick and vulnerable friend. Please do not do this for me."

The Vulcan considered the words. "As you wish, Cadet. I have read your statement on the incident, it corroborates the audio logs made at the time."