Susie Ch. 29

I squeezed the nub and the tip popped out. Then I invited him him to lie next to me. I thought that was the best way to make up for my insensitivity over the leaking condom. We snuggled together on the small bed. He lay behind me with his arms around my breasts and his balls pushing into my butt. I couldn't feel his shrunken penis.

I awoke in the morning with a re-hardened cock against my back and Josh lightly rubbing my back. As I was enjoying his attention the door opened and Rachael came in. She took a quick look and said, without a bit of surprise. "Have fun last night?"

"Yes," I said, more concerned with covering Josh's nakedness and his sensitivity about his penis size with my body. Rachael undressed without a hint of modesty. I felt Josh looking over my shoulder at her.

She looked at us and turned to show her entire, light brown body with the small vertical patch of dark brown pubic hair. She had very slight tan lines around her aureoles and at her crotch. "You like what you see?" she said to Josh, holding her substantial breasts with their large dark aureoles and lighter colored nipples.

"Yeah," Josh mumbled.

"Maybe you and I should get together?" she said, sitting on the bed and playing with her cunt, displaying large dark labia and bright pink inside. I felt Josh's penis harden against my butt. "You could have John," she told me, referring to Josh's roommate. "He's got a big package, You'd like it. You can check it out on the third floor some night. John likes to go to the men's bath after hours naked, hoping some of the women who are still there will see him.

Then she put on her clothes, grabbed a couple of books from her desk, took a look at her bed, said, "you might clean this up. I have my 9 O'clock to get to," and left the room.

I realized I had a 9:00 lecture too. I considered blowing it off but got up, dressed, gave Josh a quick kiss on the cheek and rushed out.

Regrets

That day I realized my feelings and situation with Josh were entirely different than any other guy I had sex with. Other guys fit in either of two categories. First there were the guys I liked and expected to continue have a sexual relationship with. Then were the guys I decided I didn't care for and knew I wouldn't have sex with again. But Josh I really liked and I didn't really want to have sex with him again. It wasn't so much that he wasn't a great lover. I knew he would get better, he wanted to please me. He just needed to learn. It wasn't his small penis either. I could tell that he would be able to please me with it once he learned more about how to use it and his other appendages.

Instead I enjoyed talking to him. I had so enjoyed relaxing with no sexual tension between us. I was now concerned that a desire for sex would color our friednship. And telling him I wanted him for his friendship and not for sex could really impact the relationship.

I quickly discovered that not addressing the issue was also a problem. The next time he came to the room I greeted him but we both sat in silence, me writing a term paper and he reading. I didn't know what to say and was really blocked in my term paper because all I could think of was what he might be thinking and what, if anything, I should say to him. He broke the seemingly interminable silence, "Susie?"

Thankful for the interruption but not sure what to expect, I turned to him, "What do you want, Josh?"

"Are you upset with me?"

"No, why would you think that?"

"You're not talking. We shouldn't have had sex, should we?"

"Josh, we had sex. I enjoyed it. I wanted it. There was nothing wrong with us having sex."

He sensed the word I had suppressed, "but?" he said. "There's a missing 'but' there isn't there?"

I had to face it. Trying to select the least hurtful wording possible I presented the situation. "Josh, I loved having sex with you, but, ..." there, I had said it. "But, Josh, I want to be your friend. It's not the sex, I'm worried it will get in the way of our being friends."

"So, we're 'just friends' again?"

"Josh I'm worried that you will want to have sex and it will get in the way of our friendship."

"So, you don't want to have sex?"

"Josh, I don't want having sex or not having sex to, ... to, ..." I struggled for the words. "I don't want it to influence our relationship."

"I don't understand."

I wasn't sure I did either. I was sure having trouble explaining it. "Josh, you know about 'friends with benefits'?"

He looked a bit downcast. "Yeah, that's friends who can have sex when they want it. It implies no romantic implications."

"Josh, I don't want 'friends with benefits.' You mean more than that to me. But I don't want you as a lover either or as 'just a friend'."

"It seems like you've exhausted the categories," he said.

"Well, we need to invent a new category. Friends, friends for which sex isn't an issue. Friends that can have sex or not have sex but that doesn't define the relationship and for which thoughts of sex or no sex are not involved."

"Susie."

"What Josh?"

"I'm not sure I can do that."

"Josh remember we were, 'just friends, for now'?"

"You want to be 'just friends' again?"

"No, I want to be more than 'just friends'. I want to be real friends, real friends without sex, for now, and with sex, for now." the whole think was clear to me but I saw his confusion. I tried again. I wanted him to understand. "Josh, I want you to be a friend. I don't want to cut off sex with you but I don't want desire for sex to influence your thoughts, or mine."

"So, if I want to have sex with you?"

"Ask, but I don't want you to feel upset or rejected if I say I just want to talk."

"And if you want sex with me?" I could tell he was really asking if I would ever want sex with him.

"Then I'll ask and I'll do my best not to feel rejected if you say you just want to talk."

He thought and then responded, "Susie."

"What?"

He smiled slightly, "I doubt I'll ever say I'll say I just want to talk."

"Men!" I thought to myself. "Even good guys like Josh are still men." I realized I had just gained a bit of insight into Corey's transgression too.

"Maybe not," I said. "I guess what I'd like from you is to put sex with me to the back of your mind and not worry about whether we will or won't have sex so we can continue to be good friends."

He sat in thought, trying to assimilate what I had told him.

"We're not having sex tonight," I told him bluntly, in an attempt to clarify his thoughts.

"Oh, okay," he responded quickly, like I had just pushed a reset button. "What are you working on?"

After that, whenever he seemed extra quiet, I just said, "No sex tonight," and things would revert to normal.

Within a couple of weeks things returned to normal with us. I would still dress for bed right in front of him but now he watched with interest Instead of pretending to not watch. One night I was about to put on my PJ's and had an inspiration. "Josh, come here," I said, standing naked before him.

"You said no sex tonight," he mumbled with a smile.

"Not sex, just education," I told him. "What do you know about a woman's body?"

I gave him a brief tour and then on subsequent nights when he was present I talked about which parts of my body were most sensitive and how to stimulate them. We didn't have intercourse but I coached him as he sucked. licked, fingered and massaged every part of me. I had orgasm after orgasm as I completed his education in pleasing a woman, or, anyway, pleasing me.

One night I told him I had shown him everything I could. Surprisingly, this made things better for us. Now he talked about all kinds of issues he wouldn't have raised before and even did some teaching of his own, showing me how he popped out his penis to pee, for example, and together we discovered his most sensitive parts.

He also started giving me back massages when I was stressed and would move to my breasts or crotch when I indicated that's what I wanted. I would do the same for him. Never any penis-vagina intercourse but relaxed, enjoyable times.

News

Throughout all this time, with Josh coming to my room every two or three days, I didn't date any other guys even though Josh and I weren't boyfriend/girlfriend. Well at least we never went out on dates or had intercourse. We just studied together, talked and helped each other relax. Like I said, I'm monandrous by nature. I really felt like going out with other guys would be some kind of betrayal of my special relationship with Josh. I guess that's part of what "more than just friends" meant to me.

Spring Break was approaching and much of the dorm was abuzz over where to go. Cancun seemed a big favorite but Rachael's family sent several weeks each summer there and she campaigned for Miami Beach. Ultimately a few went to Cancun but financial concerns led most to ultimately head for Padres Island, bypassing the local meccas of San Diego and Lake Havasu. L.A. area beaches were never even under consideration.

Josh decided to go to Padres Island and hinted that I should go, especially since my 21st birthday would be during spring break this year. Instead I decided to stay behind and work. I would spend a day or two with my family and catch up with old friends. Spring break always seemed like just an excuse to drink. Drinking and drugs were never my thing. I didn't like the feeling that I was losing control. I much preferred sex and drunken sex didn't appeal to me. The few times I had too much to drink I felt so numb that I didn't want sex -- it would have been less sensual.

A few days before spring break, I got a phone call from an old high school friend, April Sandoval. "Susie," she said, her voice wavering with emotion. "It's April."

"April, what's wrong?" I asked.

"Susie," she said, slowly and with difficulty. "It's Brittany." Brittany had been one of my best friends in high school. She and April and two other girls and I had sex with several boys. Brittany had become a sex addict, dropped out of school and turned to prostitution. "Susie," April continued in a maddeningly slow pace, "Brittany's dead."

It didn't register, "What?"

"Brittany! Susie,Brittany! she's dead!"

"What? ... When? ... Where? ... How?" What she said had finally registered. April would know because her mom had always been somewhat close to Brittany's mom. I didn't really care whether I had the answer to any of the questions. I wanted her to tell me it was a slightly delayed April Fool joke in very poor taste.

"They found her in a downtown hotel room," April explained. "She had been dead for three days, the room had been paid for for that long and there was a 'don't disturb' sign on the door. The police told Mrs. Reynolds (Brittany's mom) that it was an accidental drug overdose but she told my mom she thinks that just avoids any need for investigation. She thinks it was suicide."

She gave me the details. I wouldn't be spending my 21st birthday celebrating, but at memorial services for an old friend.