Tales from the Guilds Ch. 05

In his capacity as Master of Assassins, Lord Downy was accustomed to receiving mail on the very finest of paper emblazoned with ancient sigil rings. He treated them with respect but never felt any exceptional need to treat them with expediency. However, in today's post came a letter emblazoned with a simple 'V' on black wax and that he opened at once. Though today, many years later, his relationship with the Patrician was cordial, when they were both students in the Guild's school Downy had been an insufferable bully and Vetinari was one of his favorite targets—until the day when Havelock had turned the tables and painted him in tiger stripes. To this day he treated the city's tyrant with even more delicacy than he would some other man in the office.

The letter, to his surprise, turned out to be an invitation to lunch. Checking the clock on the wall and seeing that it was 11:15 a.m., he rose, donned his frock coat and tall top hat and, taking his walking stick, left his office with instructions to cancel all his afternoon appointments. After all, it simply wasn't done to be late for an appointment with the Patrician!

As the day was pleasant, Downy wasn't terribly surprised when Drumknott ushered him out into the Palace Garden where His Lordship was seated with two ladies. The Headmaster was surprised to see both Lady Margolotta, de facto ruler of Überwald above ground and Captain Angua of the Watch and he raised an inquisitive eyebrow. That Lady Margolotta was seated at the table was not overly surprising. She was well-known to be the Patrician's 'friend' and always stayed at the Palace when she was in town, but she was a vampire. And sitting opposite her was Captain Angua. Downy was among the very few to know that the Captain was a werewolf and a major figure in Ankh-Morpork's Undead community. It seemed this might not to be a light social visit.

However, through the meal (a spectacular Caesar salad) the conversation was mostly about the progress of the Undertaking, the Patrician's plan for putting all commercial traffic underground and out of the interference of the city's obsessively curious population. It wasn't until Drumknott cleared away the dishes that Lady Margolotta looked Downey squarely in the eye.

"Headmaster, vithin the next day or two the Guild vill receive a commission on a Baron Humphrey Von und Su Blitzengaard of Far Überwalde. It vill be very substantial, amounting to qvite a number of thousand Ankh-Morpork dollars. Do not permit anyvun to respond to it."

"But Lady Margolotta," Lord Downey protested, "we are assassins. Killing people for vast sums of money is what we do."

"Not this time, you won't," Captain Angua replied with a disquieting note in her voice, "because you can't. There is no such person. The offer is a trap."

"A trap?"

"You will recall, Headmaster," Lord Vetinari spoke quietly, "that some years ago I sent Commander Vimes on a diplomatic mission to Far Überwald. It was there he met Lady Margolotta and the Low Queen. In the commission of his duties he was compelled to kill Captain Angua's brother, a notorious Werewolf Supremacist. We thought at the time that his particularly vile brand of speciesism had been laid to rest. That does not appear to be the case."

Captain Angua took up the narrative. "After my brother's death the rest of the Überwölfen¹ withdrew into the remotest forest and we heard nothing from them for some years. However, Lady Margolotta has maintained diplomatic relationship with the more responsible members of the werewolf community who, in turn, are on very cordial terms with the wolves of Überwald. They report that the fanatics have regrouped and are attempting to increase their influence. Additionally, they are always on the lookout for other sapient species to eat. Since the dwarves stay mostly underground and the vampires are formidable foes, that leaves the humans."

¹Werewolf Supremacists, along the line of Neo-Nazis but even worse. They eat people.

"Human Überwalders have become even more vary than in the past and now go everyvhere armed vith silver daggers," Lady Margolotta continued, "As such they, too, have become more difficult so now the intent is to attract humans who are more, shall ve say—innocent? Yes, Headmaster, the commission is a trap, a trap set to bring Assassins into Überwald for the sport and larder of the Überwölfen."

Lord Downey took a deep breath and straightened his back. He was mortally offended that someone should make sport of the Assassins' strict code of behavior. He remembered the fate of Inigo Skimmer, graduate Assassin and civil servant while on mission with Commander Vimes. That the man had been avenged by the Commander was gratifying but the loss still rankled. Assassins know to the penny the value of human life and value their own quite highly.

"And what measures are being taken to deal with them?"

"Orcs!" the Patrician replied with emphasis.

"Ah . . ."

*****

Alfred, "Grievously Bodily" Harmsworth, late of the Thieves' Guild (now a corporal in the Ankh-Morpork Cable Street Particulars,) felt the train slow as it came to the terminal station on the line.

"Train now arriving in Bonk-Schmaltzberg, Überwald. End of the line, ladies and gents," the conductor announced so Alf stood up and effortlessly lifted his steamer trunk out of the overhead rack. (This might not seem much of a task until you discovered what was in it.) Donning his bowler with a rakish tilt, he stepped out onto the platform and looked around. Sure enough, standing in the shade was a woman in Watch uniform with Captain's bars on the collar. He walked over and tipped his hat.

"Captain Von Humpeding, I presume? Constable Harmsworth reportin' in. I understand we have a rough journey ahead of us."

Sally looked him up and down. Damn! What was it about the Ankh-Morpork Watch that drew such attractive men—and all of them off limits. Captain Carrot was already intensely involved with Captain Angua and here, this great craggy slab of a man, lacked enough rank for her to 'fraternize' with. He looked like what you would get if you made the impossible cross of a human being and a troll. Now there was an idea the Igors didn't need to hear!

"And the Commander has sent me an appropriately rough man to take on it," she answered with a smile that failed to cover her elongated canines, "but we are in no rush. I've reserved a room at the Axman's Lunch for your stay in Bonk. We will need to consult with various community leaders before we leave."

In the morning, Harmsworth and Von Humpeding sat down to large bowls of oatmeal topped with poached eggs and bacon bits. The Captain also had a serving of blood pudding. In light of her Black Ribboner status it was perfectly understandable. When the meal was nearly done, they were joined by a stunning middle-aged woman with long silver hair and, to Alf's surprise, a priest of Om—carrying a formidable and well-used looking double-headed battle ax.

As Alf finished his coffee he cocked a quizzical eyebrow at his captain. She shook her head.

"No, we're still waiting for one more. He should be with us shortly."

As if on cue, the door opened to admit Aeron, Consort to Her Majesty Blodwen Rhysdaughter, Low Queen of the Dwarfs. Aeron was unusually tall and slim for a dwarf, unlike the squad who accompanied him and stood guard outside the door of the private room. They were uniformly tall and broad—and armed with some of the most impressive mining axes Alfred had ever seen.

"Your Highness," Captain Von Humperding announced, as everyone rose to their feet, "may I present Lady Saxifrage von Eisenberg, spokesperson for the Werewolf clans, Corporal Alfred Harmsworth of the Ankh-Morpork City Watch and The Quite Reverend Mightily-Praiseworthy-Are-Ye-Who-Exalteth-Om Oats."

"Pray be seated," Aeron answered as he took his place at the table, "Corporal, what do you understand of the upcoming mission?"

"Well, yer Highness, the Commander tol' me that I needed to accompany the captain and Pastor Oats as the City's representative on a journey in t' the wild remains of the Evil Empire. We are t' seek out a Mr. Nutt and his lady Glenda and see what progress they have made in upliftin' his fellow Orcs and if possible, try t' enlist their assistance in dealin' firmly with the Überwölfen. He told me that it would a good idea if I brought me entire kit."

"He was right, presuming that your kit includes considerable armament. The Evil Empire per se is gone but much evil remains where it was," Aeron stroked his considerable mustache as he spoke.

Pastor Oaks nodded somberly. "I occasionally find it difficult to preach forgiveness when Forgiveness" (here he patted his battle ax) "finds so much to do. Truly, Mr. Nutt has his work cut out for him to uplift the remnants of his species in that Omforsaken country—not that Om actually forsakes anyone, anywhere of course."

"The plan, Corporal," the Consort continued, "is for you, the captain and Pastor Oaks to seek out the Orcs. Lady Saxifrage will accompany the three of you in wolf form in order to better communicate with the forest wolves—and to use her heightened lupine senses, of course. She has pre-arranged for each pack to rendezvous with you as you enter its territory and act as flankers until they can hand you off to the next pack. However, once you get into the old lands of the Empire, the wolves will no longer go with you. There are things in Überwald even they do not wish to meet."

"That might make it dif'cult for us to ride, Yer Majesty." Harmsworth objected, "It's well-known that 'orses are mightily afraid of the smell of wolves and I'd imagine that the smell of werewolves is even harder for 'em."

The lady Saxifrage chuckled somewhat ominously. "Zat is true, Corporal, but your patrician is never vun to leave details unmet. He has arranged for your use of tsree golem horses zat came vith you on tse train. Vhile perhaps a bit uncomfortable, zey are unconcerned vith organic smells und zey are tireless. If necessary, you could ride zem vell into tse night or perhaps even sleep on zem if needed. Speed is of tse essence, Corporal, for more zan vun reason."

"Yes," Pastor Oaks replied, "I have been away from my flock for too long, the Überwölfen are gathering and they are beginning to harry the edges of the civilized parts of Überwald. The more 'success' they have the harder it is for Lady Saxifrage and her associates to keep their young males under control and the more likely that they will begin to raid into other countries. If that happens war is inevitable."

"And the worst case scenario," Captain Von Humpeding added glumly, "involves forcing the wizards of Unseen University to become involved. Archchancellor Ridcully has warned that the use of enough magic to defeat the Überwölfen will attract the attention of the Things in the Dungeon Dimensions. And that is something that must be avoided at all costs!"

"So you see, Corporal," concluded Aeron, "you must find the Orcs as soon as possible, enlist their aid and return with as many of them as can afford to leave their village. While that may not be a great many, each of them is such a combat multiplier that our chances of victory are greatly enhanced. We have dealt the rogue grags a mortal defeat. Now we must do the same with the Überwölfen." He rose to his feet. "And now you must be off. The words of Tak be with you!"

*****

A stalwart young Orc entered the front door of the village meeting house and bowed reverently. "Mother Glenda," he began, "there is word that a band of outsiders approaches along the Forest Road. It is an odd lot, my lady, two humans, a werewolf and a vampire all riding on ceramic horses. Pastor Oats is among them. How can such a thing be?"

Glenda raised her eyebrows in surprise. There was only one place ceramic golem horses could have been made, the ancient city of Umnia. And all the remaining Umnian golems now made up the base for the Ankh-Morpork currency. Therefore, this 'delegation' had been sent from her home city. She briefly wondered why but suspected that Lord Vetinari had business with her husband, Mr. Nutt. And Pastor Mightily Oats was one of the humans. It would be good to see him again.

She nodded in response to the messenger's words. "I will tell Mr. Nutt. Thank you, Jack."

Lifting her youngest up onto her ample hip and reminding her oldest to keep an eye on the ovens where pies enough for a platoon were baking, she strode through the building and into the courtyard behind.

*****

Back in Ankh-Morpork, Lord Downy was having werewolf problems of his own. "I would like to say, Captain Angua, that this application is simply impossible, that there is no precedent for it. However, as we both know, there is. Recent precedent, true, but precedent. And the Guild is nothing if not about traditions—and money."

"Chrysoprase's nephew, Jasper." Angua replied with a nod, "How's he coming along, by the way?"

The Headmaster leaned back in his leather covered swivel chair and shook his head in resignation. "We really didn't have any choice, you know. We already have a dwarf on the faculty and Jasper wanted to come here. Vetinari would never allow us to accept one without the other and Chrysoprase cheerfully put up the tuition. The young troll's diction and vocabulary have made great progress. So much so that one might think he was related to the Diamond King of the trolls instead of the, uh, Master of the Guild of Bodyguards, Bouncers and Last Resort Lenders."

Angua snorted genteelly, "Capo di tutti i capi of the Bresccia, you mean. I don't care what political expediency made Vetinari agree to recognize them as a guild but as far as Commander Vimes and I are concerned, they're a pack of brutal thugs."

"Well, there are those who consider us a pack of genteel thugs—though usually only very briefly. And if Jasper's education goes well enough, some of the brutality may depart. In any case, his acceptance for enrollment here makes it simply impossible for us to deny your young cousin. At least the von Überwald's are an aristocratic family. But I am surprised that the very young lady prefers the Guild to joining you in the Watch."

Angua sighed. "Adolfa's mother shares the snobbishness of the rest of my family. Law enforcement is too much like work whereas assassination is more—an avocation? Besides, back in Überwald, Captain Von Humpeding is the most prominent Watch member among the Undead and my family recoils at the thought of having a vampire beat us to anything."

"I have to wonder, though," Lord Downy mused, "how well she will actually fit in. With young Jasper it was relatively simple. Upon graduation (and I can't imagine him failing the Final Exam) he intends to specialize in inhuming other trolls. It seems more sporting that way, and since the spiked club is a traditional weapon among the clans he will be right at home. You werewolves, on the other hand, are so exquisitely deadly wearing nothing but moonlight that I question what in all the gods' names we are supposed to teach her."

"How to negotiate Ankh-Morpork society, according to her mother. Additionally, the Guild has always been opposed to messy inhumation. If Adolfa slipped into the client's bedroom and Changed, the result would be far from neat and tidy. No, if the girl wants to be an Assassin, she's going to have to do it in human form—unless she finds herself fulfilling a contract on one of the Undead. And that might prove—shall we say—interesting?"

The Headmaster shuddered at the thought. Ten years ago such a suggestion would have provoked gales of aristocratic laughter Now? Everyone in the city's relentlessly avaricious society seemed to be making money and some of them preferred spending it on others who got in the way of their making money. Just how were you supposed to inhume a Bogyman, anyway? Downy hadn't a clue but it did seem perhaps his expertise in subtle toxins might need updating. The only way he could think of inhuming a zombie was a flame thrower and that was just crude.

² Or at least horsey titters!

"Well, I discussed this with the ladies at Raven, Black Widow and Tump houses and Miss Band is intrigued by the possibility. She is sure that the girls in her House will be thrilled at the thought of having a fluffy golden werewolf puppy around during the full moon of each month. Advise her parents that we are accepting Adolfa as a regular, fee-paying student and that she will board at Tump house. I hear that we must move with the times."

The captain nodded sagely in agreement. Life in the big city was about to become even more interesting.

*****

Nine pies later, Nutt, Glenda, Jake and the delegation from Ankh-Morport sat around the dinner table, digesting.

"Ms. Glenda," Corporal Harmsworth began respectfully, "I can't say as I've ever set tooth t'a pie as good as 'at 'un in all my life. M'dear ol' mother could make a fine pie when she was of a mood t'do so but that was the pie of pies. If'n I were wearin' a hat, I'd take it off t'you."

Pastor Oats agreed. That was always the problem with visiting his flock of Orcs. Gaining weight of body while lightening their souls seemed an occupational hazard. No doubt Om would understand.

Nutt smiled benignly at Lady Saxifrage curled up on a cushion next to the hearth. The werewolf had her tail tucked up over her muzzle and a contented smile on her face. The pies had been, indeed, very, very good.

"Most excellent provender, as usual, my love," the erudite Orc commented, "but now I fear that our guests' business must take the center of our attention. Pastor, Captain and Corporal Harmsworth, what brings you to this out of the way corner of Überwalde and our humble abode?"

Humble abode? Sally snickered inside her head, Lady Margolotta and Lord Vetinari sent you off four years ago to see if you could salvage a wretched collection of hated constructs. Now you have turned them into a well-mannered, urbane cohort and built a stylish and very comfortable manor to house them in—with outbuildings!

"Nutt, my old friend" Pastor Oats began, "there is a danger afoot."

As the story of the Überwölfen emerged, both Nutt's and his adjutant Jake's eyes narrowed in concern. When their glance fell on little Acorn curled up happily in the Lady Saxifrage's fur the claws silently emerged from their fingers and then withdrew.

"And so," Pastor Oats concluded, "we have come to ask if there was any way that you could aid us in this situation."

Jake turned to his mentor, "Our families are in danger, Mr. Nutt. How should we respond?"

Nutt took a deep breath, "Assemble a unit. Get every able-bodied Orc you can enlist and equip. In three days we march for Bonk Schmaltzburg—and war!"