Terry's Weight Loss Journal Ch. 03

January 3rd,

After my thought inspiring walk last night I woke up ready to do the right thing today. It's cold and rainy again but at least I know I won't have to go for a hike. I have work today. Work always makes things a little harder for diets, but also easier. Bringing my own meals is the way to go. That's why I created four salads at about 100 calories each to bring to work for the week. I will also be bringing a turkey sandwich today, a banana, and some grapes. This puts me just over 700 calories and gives me plenty more for the day. This includes my coffee by the way, I can't bring myself to give that up yet.

I am also having yogurt for breakfast, it is a yummy breakfast. I think I need to start getting up earlier though; I don't have much time to prepare in the morning. I have a little extra time this morning because the rain is keeping me from playing with Nyven this morning. He looks so sad, my beautiful baby.

So far Nick hasn't said anything about the journal. I gave him the link the way I was supposed to and he thanked me, but he hasn't said a thing about it since then. I wonder if he has read it yet, or waiting a few days? Nick, have you read this yet? I'm dying of curiosity. Have you read the memory that I used as a fantasy last night? I woke up this morning dying to slip my hand down my stomach and against my thighs, to slip a finger along my slit. I didn't though, which I guess means I was a good girl. Now that's not something I am very often. As a positive note, I realized that since I wake up thinking about playing with my clit, and I cannot, it means that I wake up thinking about my diet. And Nick. Not sure such an obsession is a good one.

Anyway, I created nice lunch salads and such for the week and logged all the data. The point is to show Nick that I am able and willing to create good meal plans and stick to them. Otherwise he'll be creating a schedule for me. As creative as Nick can be in the bedroom, I've seen his cupboards, he isn't creative in the kitchen. Hopefully the menu impresses him and I can stick to it.

As part of my diet and workouts, Nick insisted that I begin slowly. So I will be going to the gym on Thursday but I will be spending the rest of the week eating well and doing homework and housework. I have a very detailed, tightly laid schedule and changes are a pain in the ass. My goal for January is to lose twenty pounds. Nick thinks that is too much and too fast, but he also said he isn't worried about it. I don't think he believes I can do it. For now Nick is watching and listening, but not really taking charge. I feel like this is a false sense of security.

10 pm.

I'm really upset with myself, I did good today until the end. Then I realized I was snacking on graham crackers and didn't even realize it. Then when I got home I had a little more than I planned on having. I feel like the cold and the rain really made it a little rougher today. I don't think I did bad per say, just not as well as I had hoped. I e-mailed Nick, but he hasn't said anything in return.

It's times like this, when I'm wishing that years of bad choices could be erased by a single days hard work, that I realize how crazy this whole venture is. It's not a diet, not something to just lose a few pounds and then go back to whatever. No, this is a plan to make real life style changes. That's kinda scary.

January 4th,

I didn't step on the scale this morning, I did not want to. I know that is probably not a good thing, does that mean I gained weight and I'm afraid to look and see? I'm not sure. I had a pretty good day today, I didn't over eat or anything, I just haven't felt very well. Sir Nick says that I'm probably going to get all depressed on him now. Apparently I'm one of "those" chicks. Those chicks that get an attitude when they're hungry. The ones that dance a little in their seat when the meal comes, the ones that notice the simple things in life. I know he meant it as a little bit of a tease, but frankly I'm proud to be one of those girls. I felt a bit funny about that so I decided to do some fishing. Here's the messages though I edited it to use our fake names.

Me: So what, you dated one of "those" girls and it didn't kill you. "those" girls are nice!

Nick: lol

Nick: That's true

Nick: The one I dated certainly was.

Me: Yes, but she wasn't a good sub. She didn't do it right.

Nick: Do it right?

Nick: There's a right?

Me: Yes there is a right. Just like with this diet thing, there is a right way and a wrong way. I hope I can do the right thing this time.

Nick: Ahh, I see

Nick: You think you were a bad sub

Me: I'm not a sub

Nick: Yes, so you've told me.

Nick: and yet...

Me: Yet?

Nick: and yet there's this whole diet arrangement.

Me: Yea, but that's not about sex. That's not the same.

Nick: You're half right.

Nick: It is not about the sex.

Nick: but they are indeed the same.

Me: how?

Nick: Control

Nick They're both all about control,

Nick: who can take it,

Nick: who can keep it,

Nick: who needs it.

Me: and you need to have it?

Nick: Why yes, I do.

Me: but I don't need it, not like that.

Nick: no?

Nick: If you say so

Nick: though there will come a point where that will end

Nick: and I'll make you tell me

Nick: How much you need control.

Nick always texts so quickly, his answers come fast and often surprise me. I ended up asking him why he thought I was a submissive. What made him so sure that I yearned for control, giving rather than taking, as much as he did?

Nick: It's in the way you move

Nick: The way you talk.

Nick: The way you breathe.

Me: Yea, that's not the vaguest answer ever.

Nick: The way you move, I mean your natural responses.

Nick: When walking with others, you are easily led.

Nick: You don't need a hand on the shoulder, or one on the back.

Nick: When you walk with someone stronger

Nick: You step slightly behind them.

Nick: You follow

Me: Oh, I don't think I realized that.

Nick: When you speak, you have very different voices

Nick: One at work, one with friends, and one...

Nick: One that you use when you've been chastened

Nick: And you're embarrassed

Nick: And excited

Me: Stop, I'm sorry I asked lol

Nick: If you say so

I like flirting with Nick and after all these years it's easy and comfortable. I trust him, way more than I have ever trusted anyone. And I can't say that he doesn't get me all sorts of worked up. Cause the bastard knows he does and would probably make me write an apology letter after reading this post if I didn't admit that.

Part of me is really annoyed by this whole I can't play with myself thing. I really didn't do this for sexual reasons. I mean, I'm not against them, I just... well I just didn't go into this for them. Now that I'm sitting here desperately wanting to play with my clit that I realize it was inevitable. Nick doesn't just take "a little" control. I just can't figure out if I realized that before or not. How do I even earn any extra? If you were reading this then you could just answer me, but I don't think you are. I think you're waiting for a while. I think you would be surprised to learn how much I've written. It's odd but I find that idea satisfying. I kind of like the freedom of writing, but the knowledge that at any point you can pull it up and read it. Hmm, that's kind of a fun risk.

So, Nick. Are you reading this? What do I do if I need to cum? What do I do, do I call you up and ask so nicely (omg, most awkward conversation ever, nope). Do I write you an e-mail and ask? (not a bad idea,) or do I just break the rules? Do I just reach out and run my fingers up my thighs? Do I just let the edge of my nail trace my pussy lips through my panties? Perhaps I shall just let the tip of my finger press down harder, rub a little faster? No I believe the consequences of such actions would be, regrettable.