That's What Friends Are For

Have you even encountered a co-worker who just did "it" for you, whatever that "it" may be? Someone, who against all conventional wisdom, caused your internal gyroscope to discombobulate?

And so it was for me with Heidi... I was already happily married whenever I first met her, but simply being in her presence, the shock to my system was like sticking my fingers in an electrical socket. The first few times after we talked, I'd have to check my hair in the mirror to see if it was standing up like Art Garfunkel's.

Don't get me wrong, she wasn't the most beautiful woman I'd ever met, nor the curviest, or any of the normal things most men visually look for whenever they immediately judge a woman. She was long and lean, with burnt auburn hair, reminding one of a retired Riverdancer instead of a government bean counter.

Oh... she was cute alright, but more than any physical trait, Heidi had that 'je ne sais quoi,' an energy and a presence that radiated from her pale lightly-freckled skin. And as I came to learn over the years, underneath her ten shades of innocence on the outside, she had a wicked playful mind that would age well.

The years flew by as we dealt with our children, the frustrations of our jobs, debt, marital boredom and various health issues, and through it all, we would always communicate, E-mail and texting conversations being the norm. Working in close proximity, writing to each other drew less attention from co-workers. Heidi evolved into an extremely important part of my life, a trusted friend to share life's stories, secrets, hopes and dreams.

And through the years, I'll admit it was me who first started to flirt with Heidi, mostly playing the role of Wyle E Coyote to her Roadrunner, boulders of granite constantly falling on my head. She might occasionally tease me for my advances, but it was all good-natured and fun.

For example... One day I texted that my wife shaves her pussy because I don't like getting pubic hair stuck in my teeth when going down on her, and likewise, I shave my scrotum because I enjoy having my balls licked and sucked on. Heidi was incredious, stating that she's never shaved. This became one of my favorite subjects to joke about, Heidi's bush. I often joked that my dreams of travel upon retirement were Machu Picchu, the Taj Mahal and Heidi's Red Forest. She always joked back that it should be up for consideration as the Eighth Natural Wonder of the World.

And although we each remained happily married to our respective spouses, I swore to her that if we ever found ourselves alone in the world, I would be first in line to ask her for a date.

She laughed at this, dismissing me, although I'm guessing that she secretly my enjoyed my sincerity. But quite honestly, it was a promise that I hoped that I'd never have to keep.

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And then one early Tuesday morning at Planet Fitness, I suddenly went from an in-shape fifty-two year old, mostly kicking Father Time's ass, to an injured old man. I felt pain shooting down my right leg unlike anything I'd even felt, mind-numbing, white light pain. My chiropractor couldn't adjust it away, and my orthopedist started a ridiculously slow process of diagnosis. At first, he tried Prednisone then Mackenzie physical therapy without success. After an MRI, epidural injections provided only temporary relief, and my sciatica always returned with a vengeance.

Unfortunately, I made the mistake of continuing to eat at the same caloric rate as before, despite the fact I was sedentary and in pain. The pounds got packed on quickly, and I got out of shape and fat real fast.

Eventually, as my condition worsened with each passing month, I made the decision to go down to Johns Hopkins for a second opinion.

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"Well... there is good news and bad news," I texted to Heidi that sweltering mid-August afternoon from Baltimore after calling my wife. "The good news is the Hopkins back surgeon thinks he can help me. The bad news is that he's placed some ridiculously unobtainable condition for operating on me."

"What's the condition?" Heidi texted back.

"I have to lose 25 pounds before the surgery in October. He thinks it would hinder proper recovery if I don't lose some weight. I told him that losing that much is impossible, since I can't exercise."

"You can do anything you really want to. I have confidence in you."

"Ha! Thanks, Mrs. 5% body fat, however, I can't do anything without pain. Can't walk, can't exercise... Hell, I can't even make proper love to my wife anymore!"

"Do you have pain when lifting your fork and spoon?"

"No..."

"Ted and I have this discussion all the time. I tell him he simply has to eat less if he doesn't want to exercise more."

"Much easier said than done, Mrs. Blake."

"You can do it!"

"Maybe a little... but 25 pounds? In two months? Impossible."

"Think positively!"

"OK, but thinking won't get it done."

"Yes, you can!"

"I don't know, Heidi, I'm kind of at the end of this journey. I can't take it anymore. One way or the other, something has to change for the better."

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I got home that evening and ate a turkey sandwich, no bread, no cheese, no mayo, just a slice of turkey wrapped around a tomato from the garden. It was a joyless meal. I walked back and forth on the driveway for five minutes before the pain shooting down my leg became unbearable. Popping another Ibuprofen and Tramadol, I showered in the basement and lumbered up the stairs. It took me five minutes to climb thirteen steps. I realized that all the positive thinking in the world wasn't going to get the job done.

I had always rejected being depressed, thinking that the problem would somehow eventually be solved, and I'd simply return to some measure of normality. But was that realistic? Was this pain for the rest of my life? I couldn't envision myself living like this forever. Pain was not my friend.

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My phone whistled on the way to work the next morning, a long message from Heidi...

"Good morning! I've thought a lot about your situation overnight, and I want to help you get fixed. I felt desperation in your last message yesterday and I know that you can do anything you really want to, but sometimes you just need the proper motivation. I have an idea, and knowing your 'unique' personality, I think I can help you achieve your goal."

I replied, "I AM motivated to get fixed. I just don't know how to lose all that weight while not being able to move."

"'If there's a will, there's a way', the old saying goes. 'Mind over matter' is another. You can do this!" she texted.

"What are saying?"

"I think you need the proper incentive to sacrifice to lose 25 pounds."

"Are you offering me a blowjob? Hallelujah!"

"No blowjob! That would be cheating."

"Damn!"

"However, knowing what a pervert you are... I've come up with another idea that may be just the proper motivation you need."

"What's your idea?"

"First of all, this is a one time only offer, never to be repeated! NEVER! You're my friend, and I want you around for the rest of my career, so I'm willing to bend the rules just slightly, but this offer is NON-NEGOTIABLE!"

"OK? Let's hear it."

"Do you know how you're seemingly obsessed with my bush?"

"I thought I was just obsessed with you, in general. But yes, I do enjoy teasing you about that."

"I can't believe I'm doing this, but here's the deal. Lose 25 pounds before surgery and you can run your fingers through my bush! OMG! I can't believe I just typed that!!! "

"HA! I don't believe you. You'll back out, for sure. Nice try, Mrs. Blake."

"That's the offer, and I don't welsh on my promises."

"You're serious?"

"Yes, lose 25 pounds and you get to pet my pussy hairs."

"What about your husband?"

"Well, I'm certainly not going to mention it to him!"

"You'd really do this? I can't believe it."

"For you to have the proper motivation, I'll do it. My bush is literally within your grasp. Time to put up or shut up, Mr. Pervert!"

"You're really serious, Heidi, no bullshit?"

"Lose 25 pounds before surgery, and you get to run your fingers through the bush!"

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The gauntlet laid down, the opportunity of a lifetime right in front of my eyes, suddenly ice cream no longer had any appeal. Pizza? Never. Cheese? Absolutely not. Reese's Peanut Butter cups? The ultimate sacrifice.

I drank only water, ate salad after salad every evening with zero calorie dressing and (gasp!) skipped every lunch during my day. The only thing I ate more of was those damn 800mg Ibuprofen's and Tramadol's, trying to get as much exercise as possible. It was a dangerous endeavor, but after analyzing the risk / reward, I figured, "What the heck!" My fantasy woman was worth it!

The brain is so powerful. My appetite disappeared in the constant visualization and anticipation. Self starvation isn't necessarily the healthiest thing to do, but as my body wasted away, my mind was on fire. Heidi was within reach (literally!) and nothing would stop me from achieving my goal.

August morphed into September. My weight dropped from 235 down to 220 with only one month to go. I knew the last 10 pounds would be the hardest. No matter, I was in the 'zone.' No doubt, I would be getting my greedy hands on the luscious Mrs. Blake.

And the absolute best part of all, Heidi teased me every day, keeping me focused. There was actually very little blood flowing to my brain, because it was all in my groin. Trust me, it's difficult to push papers for the government with a constant hard-on.

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A week before my back surgery, Heidi and I walked down to the mail room in the basement of the Federal building. Smiling, I stepped on the scale...

207! (With my shoes and a suit jacket on) A loss of 28 pounds!

To my great surprise, Heidi had a huge smile on her face. For some reason, I thought she'd have a look of consternation and worry, however, she cooed "Congratulations!" and she actually gave me a little hug. I was in heaven!

She looked up into my eyes, batting her eyelashes and said, "Should I pay off my end of our agreement tomorrow?"

"Whenever you want, Heidi. You've gotta be the world's best friend. Nobody could have gotten me to lose that weight except for you. You're so smart and amazing. Thank you!"

"That's what friends are for!" she smiled.

"You have no idea how long I've dreamed of touching you. My mind is a blur, right now. I have no clue how I'm going to make it until tomorrow."

"Try not to rub all the skin off your penis tonight," She laughed, "And remember, keep your fingers nimble. Meet me, in the stairwell at seven tomorrow, OK?"

"I'll be there!"

"I'm certain you will..." she laughed again.

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The next morning I shot out of bed without pain. I took a long shower, carefully cutting my nails for maximum finger-tip skin exposure, and carefully applied lotion. I wanted it to be a great experience for her as well. Changing into a brand new suit, I brushed my teeth four times, and must have swallowed a gallon of mouthwash.

At 6:50, I pulled into the parking lot and tried to keep from hyperventilating. What a great day! I was so happy! I tried to calm myself with deep breaths.

At 7:00, her red Odyssey pulled into her normal parking spot and I got out of my car to walk with her. Approaching Heidi and seeing how lovely she was, I suddenly felt a touch of guilt. She was the very best friend anybody could ever have. Sure, she made an agreement, but it would be wrong and selfish of me to go through with it.

Her smile was electric, her teeth pure as a November virgin snow, and I almost exploded in my dress pants looking at her loveliness. She seemed almost excited at my eagerness. Yes!

"Oh, fuck it!" I thought. "This will be one of the best moments of my entire life."

"Let's go!" she cooed. "Your prize awaits."

I was trying to play it cool, but my excited walk betrayed me.

"Slow down," she laughed, "You'll have plenty of time."

We walked through the front doors, through the security checkpoint, flashed our badges and we were inside, alone in the lobby. Ignoring the elevators, I watched her sashay towards the steps, as she seemingly wiggled her butt even more than normal, the pleats of her skirt dancing on the back of her knees.

Suddenly we were alone in the stairwell and she turned to face me. It was amazing just being so close to her. My heart was pounding with anticipation!

"Do want to lift your dress for me, or should I just go for it?" I whispered, raising my eyebrows, and unconsciously licking my lips.

Suddenly, she stepped back and pulled an envelope out of her purse and handed it to me.

"What's this?" I questioned.

"Open it," she replied, smiling.

Inside was a tuft of reddish-brown hair. I looked down at her with a questioning look.

"My bush!" she exclaimed. "You're more than welcome to play with it as much as you want. Run your fingers through it. Enjoy!"

"But... I thought... I mean..." I stuttered dejectedly.

"Sorry!" she laughed, practically doubling over.

"Oh well... at least I got to see Heidi's bush!" I rationalized to myself, "Hey, something was better that nothing, right?"

I played with the strands and then brought a clump up to my nose and sniffed them, breathing deep. Heaven! Then I licked them, sticking my talented tongue out and deviously smiling at her, a few hairs getting stuck in my teeth and even swallowing a few in the process.

Heidi continued to smile. "Enjoying yourself?"

"Hell, yes!" I exclaimed.

"Good!" she laughed.

"Maybe someday," I pondered, looking down at her loveliness, "Some day, they'll still be attached to that sweet body of yours."

"Perhaps..." she replied, "Oh! There's one more thing I forget to mention."

"What's that?" I questioned.

"I sure hope Ted doesn't miss the hairs on his chest when he wakes up this morning!" she laughed.

"What?" I exclaimed, dry heaving over the floor.

"Sorry!" she laughed.

"Someday you'll pay for this," I hacked and coughed.

"Promises, promises!"