The Alphabet of Love Ch. 10

"I told him Derek is a doctor," she said. "I hope that's okay."

"Sure, I don't care. Now he can brag that his daughter the doctor is dating a doctor. That'll make him feel all important." I heard the vitriol in my own voice.

"Yeah," she sighed, "he did say something like that. So are you having fun?"

"We are. How about you? How was Christmas?"

"Good. Tila got way too many presents," she sounded exasperated, but happy.

"Kids are supposed to get a lot of presents. I hope she liked the toys I sent."

"Oh, she did. She just wishes you were here, Auntie Shiloh. She's over at my Mom's right now. So, listen, what about that other guy? The surgeon?"

I lay back on the bed and looked at the ceiling. "I don't know. I'm so confused."

"Yeah, I was surprised you went to Vegas with Derek. You haven't seen him in a long time."

So I told her about Derek's impending divorce and his desire to marry me.

"Wow!" she was breathless. "Are you going to do it?"

"I don't know," I said, feeling helpless. "He's so good to me, so fun and sweet and good in bed -- part of me thinks I'm an idiot for even hesitating."

"So why are you hesitating?" she asked. "Is it because of Trevor?"

"A little. That, and you know I'd like to have kids. And Derek is fifty-two."

"Is he?" she sounded surprised.

"I know, he looks younger. He has grown kids. He says he'd have kids with me but I just don't want him to regret it ten years from now or something. You know?"

"A man doesn't say something like that unless he means it," she said. "If he really didn't want to have kids with you he wouldn't say he did. Guys aren't like us, Shy. They're straightforward."

I thought about it for a moment. It made sense, especially knowing Derek as I did.

"Do you love him?" she asked me.

"Yes," I said, a little wariness in my voice.

"That was tepid," she said suspiciously.

"Well, it's just -- we don't see each other that much and there's the excitement, the lust, the joy of the moment, you know? We have to make the most of every second, so we don't dwell on each other's faults. I do love him, but you never know what it would be like if you were living together."

"Any relationship is a crapshoot," she told me. "God knows I've fucked up enough of them."

"Me too," I sighed. "Maybe that's why I'm afraid to jump in with both feet. I've been trying to think of reasons not to be with him when all the reasons TO be with him are staring me in the face."

"So tell me this," she said, getting into full Dear Abby mode, "do you guys talk at all or is it just fucking all the time?"

I laughed. "Of course we talk. We're both nephrologists, we have plenty in common. He wants me to come to Boston, he can get me into his clinic in the same sort of job I'm doing right now. But I don't want that, I don't want him to pull strings for me."

"I know you," she said, and in my mind I could see the indulgent look on her face. "You won't take anything from anyone. Ever. You don't want to have to owe anyone anything, or have people think you got something you didn't work for."

"Well? That's just how I am."

"Is he pressuring you to make a decision?"

"Not really, though he keeps bringing up how much he loves me and all that. He's not even divorced yet, so there's nothing to be in a hurry about."

She was quiet for a moment. "I'd really hate it if you moved back east."

"I know. I'd miss you. I don't even know if he'd mind leaving there. He has an established practice, though, with his research and the programs he does around the country. I don't think he'd come to Seattle but he might go to California. That's where he's from. But his Mom is in Boston now, so he'd have to move her back."

"Geez, sounds complicated."

I sighed and sat up, scratching my head. "It is. I have no idea what I'll do. I'm just loving being with him right now."

I heard a noise at the door, and Derek came in. I couldn't help smiling at the sight of him in his outdated track suit, looking at the FitBit on his wrist.

"He's here," I told Isabel. "We're going to get some dinner as soon as he showers. He's been out running."

"All right, Shy. Call me soon. Love you."

"I love you, Izzy."

Derek had already begun peeling off his clothes. "You hungry?" he asked, sitting on the bed to take off his shoes.

I nodded. "I am. How about Mexican?"

He looked askance at me. "And then I have to sleep with you?"

"It doesn't make me fart. I swear."

"Liar."

I laughed. We were remembering our last tryst in Denver, when we'd indulged in Mexican food and spent the night with bellyaches and loud farts.

"It wasn't just me," I reminded him.

"No, but I guess it was then that I realized I loved you."

"What?" I stared at him in disbelief.

"You didn't hold back. I thought, you must really be comfortable with me if you can do that."

"It was either that or explode," I pointed out.

He leaned over to kiss me. "I'm gonna shower. Be out in a sec."

He'd no sooner turned on the water when my phone rang.

Trevor.

With a deep breath, I answered.

"Hey Shiloh," came his voice, warm, filling me with the memory of his kisses, hands on my breasts, tongue licking me --

"Listen, I want to apologize for how I sounded yesterday," he went on. "I hope you're not angry with me."

"No," I said, shaking myself a little. "No, I'm not."

"Are you still -- with him?"

"Yes. We toured Hoover Dam today, and we're going rockhounding tomorrow."

"Okay. Well, I wish I could be there. I mean, me with you instead of him."

"I know. But you can't."

"I'm going to get away in a week or two, come back to Seattle for a couple of days. Can I see you?"

I felt dread in the pit of my stomach, but also a thrill. "Uh, I guess so. Probably."

"It's the only reason I'm coming," he said, a little disappointed.

"Yes, we can see each other and talk."

"Okay, good. I guess . . . I can't say anything to make you dump him, can I?"

I laughed a little. "No. I'm sorry, you can't."

"I'll just have to convince you when I see you, then."

I wondered exactly what that would entail. I hoped a little more licking of my nether regions, but felt guilty for even letting the thought into my head.

"I'll be in touch," he said. "Think of me when he's inside you, okay?"

"Jesus! No!"

Laughing, he ended the call.

I got up from the bed and paced the room. Now that he'd planted the idea in my head, of course I would think of him when Derek was fucking me. Shit.

The bathroom door opened. Derek came out, beautifully nude, toweling himself. "Who were you talking to?" he asked me.

"Trevor," I answered truthfully.

He made a face and found underwear in his bag. "What did he want?"

"To apologize for acting like a little bitch yesterday."

"Huh. What'd you say?"

I shrugged. "I told him it was okay. He says he's coming to Seattle in a week or two."

"Oh yeah?"

"We'll see if he does. His Dad will be hot and heavy on the campaign trail, isn't there a big caucus or primary in January?"

"Shit if I know. I hate politics."

I watched him dress in jeans and a button-down cotton shirt, tucking it in neatly. I put my shoes back on, and out we went to find dinner.