The Ass is Always Greener

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Bum Phillips, former NFL head coach, on why he always took his wife to away games 'Because she's too ugly to kiss goodbye.'

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My name is Sallie. All through high school, and college, I had to endure the 'as long as I have a paper bag' insults. Your choices of boys, and then men, are extremely limited if you aren't pretty, and don't spread your legs to make up for it.

I have a very sexy body, fit and trim, with average size boobs. It's that my eyes, nose, and mouth don't quite match the standard layout. I have my mother's body and my father's lumberjack face. I love my daddy, but a square forehead, big nose, and big ears looks better on him than me. Makeup can only do so much. It is what it is.

As my mother used to tell me 'be patient, there's someone for everyone.'

You never really grow immune to the insults, but sometimes other people will surprise you. At one pizza place, I walked in to pick up my to-go order and overheard the softball players 'I'd need two paper bags. One for her and one for me in case hers fell off!'

Lots of laughing and high fiving as I waited to pay for my order. A giant of a man, close to seven feet tall, walked by and said 'Ignore them cutie.'

He stood near their table, turned his butt towards them, and then let loose a very loud fart. As they were getting ready to make a scene, he stared menacingly at them and they thought better.

"I think you boys owe the little lady an apology."

One yelled 'Sorry' but the icy stare from the giant caused one to approach me.

"Me and the boys have probably had too much to drink. Sorry about the snide comments. Let me pay for that" pushing my hand back to my billfold.

"Thank you, that's very sweet."

"You have a nice smile, I'm Sean."

I felt myself blushing "Thank you again. I'm Sallie."

"Can I have your number?"

Well I had my doubts, about Sean ever calling me, but I was wrong.

Sean was not then, and is not now, socially skilled, and his looks definitely wouldn't help him land dates.

After we found each other, we had a yearlong courtship, and then married. Sean has a way of making me feel special.

After one of our dates we went to Sean's apartment. I slowly undressed him, kissing everything, especially his cock. I spent my time, kissing and sucking here and there. When his cock started to soften, I would suck hard until he was rock hard again. I tortured him for about an hour before he filled my mouth with his sticky goo. I didn't swallow, but he was so appreciative I doubt he noticed.

Sean then lapped at my pussy, like a dog at a water bowl, for about ten minutes before I encouraged him to fuck me. He was absolutely clueless about pleasuring a woman orally.

He has tremendous stamina, after he blows his first load, so I get to gyrate and squeeze my pussy until I orgasm. It's a fair trade off.

Sean is an architect in a small firm. He's been there since shortly after we got married. The people at that firm aren't really into social gatherings. I currently work at a title company. I've bounced around at several jobs but I've been here five years, since our kids started driving. I'm not the eye candy they want up front, so I work the back office stuff.

We have two boys, both smart, and we proudly sent them off to college. We have never really been able to save for retirement. If it's not car problems, it's tuition, or fixing the house. We don't live from paycheck to paycheck, but almost.

We have a very fun group of couples in our neighborhood. There are five couples, all about our age. We refer to ourselves as the gang. All but one of the couples are empty nesters, and only one of the couples doesn't have a kid still in college. We have been relating our trials and tribulations for the last dozen years. There used to be six couples but one had marital problems, split, sold, and moved away.

Even though Sean never had success with dating, as he got older, and more successful at work, he started fancying himself 'a lady's man'. My friends, and the ladies in the gang, simply roll their eyes when he spouts some arrogant babble.

Sean drives a stick shift pickup truck, for who knows what reason. I think he thinks it makes him look macho. I was raised on stick shifts, so I have no problem borrowing his truck when I need it.

I work a flex schedule during the summer. Ten hours Monday through Thursday and a three day weekend. I use my Fridays to catch up on household chores. We are hosting the gang's pot luck dinner tomorrow. I have a very pretty lace tablecloth, from my grandmother, somewhere in the house. It is stored in a cylindrical tube. The hunt was on.

After thoroughly checking the hall closets, and coming up empty, I moved onto the bedroom closets. Tucked into the corner of Sean's closet was the missing tube. I was wiggling it out of his mess when I tipped over a shoebox with Sean's dress shoes. He hasn't worn those in years. It's probably been six years ago when we attended his uncle's funeral. The box tipped over and the shoes spilled out. Once I had the tube extracted, I picked up the box and shoes and was surprised, no, more like shocked, to find, inside one of the shoes, a handful of pictures of a naked lady. I would have been flattered, if these were of me, but they aren't.

I sat on the bed and fought with my emotions. My anger helped dry the tears. How can you tell the age of a photo? She was no runway model, but I suspect any naked lady is exciting to a guy. She's not young, but she's younger than me. I worked backwards trying to identify any kind of sign for who and when. I decided to make a copy of the picture that showcased her face the best. I trimmed the copy so it was just a head shot.

I tried to eliminate the neighbors. I started getting some exercise, by walking the block, a few times every night. No luck there, but I was getting my exercise. This also gave me time to explore my next steps. I was starting to believe his job was probably the next best area to explore. I would drop, by for some random excuse, maybe lunch, just to see who was in the office. Nobody was matching the photo. I felt conflicted. I wanted to find her, yet I didn't.

Our love life was pretty much unaltered. We'd make love on Saturday or Sunday, then again mid-week. There's not much going on that would shock the neighbors.

When I really want something special, I can use my blowjobs for leverage with Sean. Even after all these years, his stamina is enough for me to have powerful orgasms. I really like bringing myself off in the cowgirl or even reverse cowgirl positions.

Sean likes to do me doggie style, but I make him lick my pussy, not lap at it like a dog, until I at least I start tingling. He has never been able to make me orgasm with his tongue.

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I had pretty much given up my search, for the naked woman, when the next shock rocked me. Sean was across the backyard, gathered around Jim's pool, yelling at the TV for some baseball game. They all had their swimsuits on. The beer was flowing.

The satellite radio, in my car, had stopped working. After waiting on hold for a long time, then talking, for a few minutes, to someone with broken English, we discovered that the credit card on file had an expiration date issue. It was Sean's card. I found his slacks and pulled his wallet out. After clearing up the issue, with customer service, I hung up. Pushing on Sean's wallet made a funny crinkle sound. I fanned the wallet and saw nothing to explain it. I checked again. Yep, right in the middle, a crinkle sound. I found a zipped pouch in the wallet and, once opened, the crinkle was identified as a condom packet.

Being on the pill, we have no need for condoms. I know I'm not pretty, but I also know I'm not stupid. Here I was again, sitting on the bed, fighting through the emotions. Once again, my anger helped dry the tears. I had a flash of evil, or brilliance, depending on your point of view.

My hobby, crafts and card making, has exposed me to several paints and inks. I found a vile with a nice emerald green permanent ink. I use a syringe pen, with a tiny needle, for doing borders and writing on my hand made cards. You can fill the cylinder with whatever color you need. I always empty and clean the pen after each use.

Not wanting to get stained hands, I put my latex gloves on. Just a tiny drop of this stuff would leave your hands stained for a couple of weeks. I placed the condom on my workbench. Using my syringe, I tried to extract lubricant, but didn't get much. I mixed a good amount of the emerald green ink, with what little lubricant I had extracted, then refilled the packet. I rolled the packet around, mixing the contents thoroughly. With just a dot of glue, and my hot glue gun, I sealed the tiny puncture hole I had made near the 'open here' tear. I used my pen to write, on the condom package, in tiny letters, 'Do not use'. There, he's been warned.

I carefully put Sean's wallet back together. Sean has nothing to worry about, if he remains a faithful husband.

Not knowing who Sean was fucking, or when, made the wait very trying. I didn't want the neighbors to know anything. What's that old Navy saying? 'Loose lips sink ships.'

I needed to talk to someone about it, so I called my sister, who lives several states away. I chose to confide in her. She really cheered me up. She thought it was the most hysterical thing I could have done. All he had to do was be faithful. No foul, no harm.

Sean and I have a very predictable existence. He gets home around six and I follow shortly thereafter. Some days we meet at a restaurant before going home, other days we go out after I get home. We always go out to eat Friday night.

I was starting to think whatever, with whomever, might have been a long time ago, and Sean had forgotten about the condom. It's a different kind of hurt, not as searing, if you think this was an indiscretion in the past. My naivety was crushed a few Fridays after I inked the condom.

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"Get undressed, turn out the lights, you know how self-conscious I am about my weight. I should have never let you take those pictures. Get the condom out. We're trying to get pregnant and I don't need any little Seans running around."

"Ready! The lights are out."

"Give me the condom package, I'll blow it onto you."

"I love it when you do that."

"Geez, this thing is really lubricated this time. What brand is this?"

"Same as before I guess."

"Yuck, this tastes terrible, you put it on. Hurry, I've got kids to pick up."

"I love your boobs, and this cute little butt. Give me a kiss."

"Mmmmmm, I'm ready, give it to me!"

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Sean called, around 3 pm, saying he had to stay late. Then around 6 pm, he called and said he felt like working out at the gym.

I sent a text to my sister 'I think we have a runner.'

I should have felt crushed, but I was so proud of myself. I turned the front porch light on. I also put the latch on the door. Sean would have to ask me to let him into the house. Almost certainly he would know it was me who tampered with his condom. I didn't know if Sean would be violent.

We had remodeled, years ago, and turned our two car garage into bedrooms. We built an overhang, on the driveway, and park our cars out in the elements. I waited and watched out the window. A car pulled up, between our house and the next, and parked. No one got out. I was a little concerned as that car didn't move for over an hour. Finally, around 8 pm, Sean pulled into the driveway. His shoulders were slumped as he shuffled towards the front door. I could see green spots on his face, his lips looked a little green, and his hands were a very lovely green.

Before he reached the porch, a man get out of the parked car and ran towards Sean.

"You son of a bitch, fucking my wife!" all the while emptying a pepper spray can.

Once Sean was distracted, and rubbing his eyes, the guy landed a vicious blow to Sean's gut. Sean collapsed and was gasping for air. The man started working at Sean's belt. Pushing Sean's hands away, he managed to yank Sean's pants and underwear down.

"Try to deny it now asshole" then stomped, with all his force, on Sean's cock and balls; his emerald green, cock and balls.

I can honestly state that I have never heard a scream as loud, and with as much variety of pitch changes. The dogs in the neighborhood, all barking, probably had their tails between their legs. As Sean balled up and clutched his groin, the man heeled him square between the eyes. Sean fell back motionless. A couple more stomps on his groin, without any response, then the man returned to his car and sped off.

Talk about conflicted. Should I call for an ambulance? Pour cold water on him to revive him? Boil some water and pour that on him? Or simply turn the outdoor lights off. No reason for the neighbors to see this little Martian. I turned the lights out.

It was about twenty minutes later when the doorbell rang.

Leaning heavily against the wall "I need help. I'm really sorry Sallie. I've done something terrible. Can I come in?"

"Not tonight Sean" and closed the door.

I heard him yelling "I can't drive like this. I need to get to a doctor."

Well I don't need the neighbors getting involved, so out the door I went "Give me your keys, get in the truck bed, you're not riding up front with me."

Sean was struggling to get into the truck bed so I yelled "MOVE IT! I don't have all night!"

I took him to the emergency room, hitting every bump I could find. I made sure to shift the gears as rough as I could. He puked on himself, too bad. As he was trying to climb out of the back of the truck, I popped the clutch, sending him tumbling. More of those primordial screams. He's with people who might care about him, so I drove home.

Sean has a bunch of keys on his keyring. I put the key collection in his favorite shoebox.

Around 10:30 pm I received a call from Jill, one of the gang. She's an emergency room nurse at the hospital. She was all giddy, wanting to know what I did, and how I did it. She said Sean would lose a testicle and the other one was badly damaged. He would need testosterone therapy to get his little leprechaun up. Since he had a concussion as well, they were going to keep him overnight.

Jill said that around 3:30 pm, a lady had come into the emergency room, with green hands, lips, and tongue. The lady also had green spots and smears in her crotch, belly, hips, ass, and boobs. She was looking for something to remove the ink. Sent on her way with 'time is the only thing that seems to work', the lady left crying.

Jill and I surmised she put the condom on Sean, gave him a little blow job, wiped her hands on her belly, and then touched Sean on his face and neck. Sean must have played with her boobs and held her hips while fucking her.

"Jill, I don't think we will be there, as a couple, at the next pot luck."

Laughing "Ya think? You go girl."

I called my sister and we were giggling like schoolgirls. I know I'll have crying spells and fits of depression, losing my marriage, but tonight, I feel terrific.

I have no remorse. I will visit the divorce lawyer on Monday. I don't plan to spend much time in this house any more. One good thing came out of this. Tomorrow, being St Patrick's Day, with the tradition of wearing something green, he's good to go.

I was out shopping, on Saturday afternoon, when Sean sent a text 'I need my keys.'

I responded with 'You should have no problem finding them.'

I found the perfect green shirt, with an Irish theme 'Here's to me, and here's to you, and here's to love and laughter. I'll be true as long as you, and not one moment after.'

I bought it, went into the ladies restroom, and changed into it. I plan on wearing it as often as I can.

Who knows what the future holds for me. I might not be pretty enough to get married again, but I won't stay married to someone who needs, or wants, someone else. What I have learned, as I matured, is that a confident and smart woman can get a man, no matter what she looks like. I'll be just fine as my confidence is sky high today.