The Attack of the Uni-Tits

Note: This story was inspired by Abstruse's delightful Ole Onebreast tale. Thanks Abstruse, for sharing your gifted writing ability with Literotica!

The darkness was just lifting as Tim Cooney woke from pleasurable dreams. He had just turned 18 yesterday, and as usual had a morning wood to die for. His fat prick stood out of his striped boxers like a spear, and in his groggy state looked enormous. Tim worked his balls out of the fly slit of his boxers as well and jacked off contentedly, thinking of his girlfriend Mary in nothing but a pair of turquoise crotchless panties. Christmas was only two weeks away, and Tim wondered if Mary would like the present he had chosen for her. They had only known each other for a few months and hadn't done anything sexual...yet!

As Tim's hands flew over his agonizingly hard cock, he heard a rustling noise in the distance. At first he thought it was a car, but that was rare at this time of day in the remote part of town he lived in. As the bizarre sound became louder, Tim figured it was some kind of motorcycle. He jumped out of bed with his cock still poking out of his boxers. As he pulled up the blinds, he could see something on wheels careening toward him. At first it looked like an extremely homely fat woman, but as the creature whizzed by him, Tim's mouth dropped.

It was an enormous tit riding on a unicycle! After he recovered from his shock, Tim realized the breast had several friends. More boobs on bikes drove past until Tim had counted at least twelve. They were headed toward Spring Glen, a neighborhood where Tim's best friend Mitchell lived.

Tim raced to the phone. He was so excited he could barely speak.

"Mitchell, Mitchell, you won't believe what I just saw!"

"A skunk?" Mitchell squawked in a groggy tone.

"No, not a skunk silly, a tit, a huge tit...on a unicycle!"

"A tit on a WHAT?" Mitchell was incredulous.

"A unicycle!" Tim was jumping up and down at this point.

"You're still dreaming, go back to bed!"

"No, really, and they're headed toward Spring Glen."

"WHAT! OH MY GOD!" Mitchell all of a sudden sounded panicky.

"Don't worry, I'm going to take the back roads and outrun them. See you in a few minutes!"

"Oh-Okay." Mitchell turned off his cell phone with shaky hands, not really sure what to expect.

Tim grabbed his car keys and flew out the front door, still in his underpants. He quickly started the car and raced along the back roads at 70 miles an hour. In a matter of minutes, he screeched into Mitchell's driveway. His friend had been waiting in the carport, and looked terrified.

"Are t-t-t-hey d-d-d-angerous?" Mitchell poked his head out in the half-light of dawn as Tim ran over to him.

"I don't know...I never saw a tit on a unicycle before!"

"You've never seen a tit before, period!"

"Shut up Mitchell, neither have you!'

"Yes I have, the other day Sally Kennedy bent over and..."

Mitchell's reverie was interrupted by a whirring sound in the distance.

"That's them...Here they come! Hit the deck!"

Tim jumped into the carport as the first Uni-Tit rounded the corner. The two high school seniors stood transfixed in their t-shirts and boxers as a dozen huge breasts barreled by, their nipples swaying in the breeze.

"Jesus!" Mitchell was awestruck. "What do they want?"

"Sex, of course." Tim just grinned.

"In your dreams, kiddo," Mitchell punched his friend on the arm playfully. "Hey, let's pick up Mary and follow them. Looks like their headed toward Grigsby's Farm!"

"But we're still in our underwear!" Tim didn't quite want Mary to see him in his boxers just yet. He had planned their first lovemaking session down to the last detail, and it would be like letting the cat out of the bag too soon!

"I'll get you some pants...we're the same size."

"Hurry, I don't want them to get too close to town, then we'll lose them!"

The two young men scrambled into some khakis and headed toward Grigsby's Farm, each wondering if the Uni-Tits became violent if provoked...

**********

Mrs. Charlotte Grigsby was an anachronism, a musty dusty museum piece. She had just turned 60, and weighed at least 400 pounds. Her breasts were like large melons, and sagged down dejectedly, as no bra on earth could hold them. Charlotte was outspoken and very coarse, and as a result the townspeople let her and her husband alone. Ben Grigsby was the typical Green Acres farmer stereotype, with bib overalls and a ribald sense of humor. He was as thin as Charlotte was large, and together they provoked mocking stares while the Laurel and Hardy of Mulberry township went about their daily chores.

As she heard the cuckoo clock in the kitchen chiming seven times, Mrs. Grigsby finished feeding the chickens and pigs, then started making Ben some french toast and sausages. She was just about to serve him a hearty breakfast plate when she thought she heard a tractor in the distance. Looking out the large picture window, she saw the first Uni-Tit rounding a corner. Charlotte screamed so loudly, Ben jumped out of his seat. Two sausage links flew through the air hitting Max, the family cat square in the face. He jumped a good four feet, knocking the cuckoo clock off the wall. The damaged clock started cuckooing madly, as Charlotte jumped up and down, her tits flying back and forth like dangerous weapons.

"It's a ...It's a...Large Breast!'"

"A large Breast?" Ben managed a wry smile.

"Twelve of them!!"

"Twelve of them?" Ben's smile got a little wider.

"OH, NO, they're headed for the chicken coop!" Charlotte scrambled out the front door, but it was too late. The bevy of Uni-Tits banged into the chicken coop with such force the front door sprung open. Two dozen chickens spilled out like a fallen can of beans, clucking and crowing up a storm. The racket so disturbed the pigs they began to grunt and squeal in a complete panic.

"My chickens! My Pigs!" Charlotte was hysterical.

"My fucking breakfast!" Ben scowled at her from the doorway as rivers of syrup dribbled down his overalls.

"I'll show them for scaring my chickens!" Charlotte picked up a large broom and headed toward a group of Uni-Tits who were still circling the chicken coop. She wasn't used to running so fast and slipped just as she was about to squash the nipple of a Uni-Tit with the stiff weapon. The proud Mrs. Grigsby went into a large pile of manure feet first with a distinctive plopping sound. The Uni-Tits wailed with laughter at the sight of the enormous woman dragged down by her own breasts into the smelly heap.

"Help, help, I'm sinking!" Charlotte screamed.

"And I'm hungry!" Ben scowled, "Now, get in here woman, and make me some more french toast!"

"I'm stuck, I'm stuck!" Charlotte waved her hands madly in the air as she unsuccessfully tried to wiggle her way out of the smelly pile.

"Oh for Pete's sake!" Ben hurried over to his wife, but could not move her at all.

Charlotte tried to get up, then suddenly fell back, taking Ben with her. He fell into the manure along side his wife, letting out a stream of cuss words that silenced even the frantic chickens.

"Motherfucking shittin' bitch!" Ben wailed as he sunk further and further into the fresh manure. The Uni-Tits let out another scream of laughter, then quickly rode away from the offending smell, delighting in the endless stream of moans and grunts from the completely trapped couple....

********

Tim and Mitchell arrived at Mary's house just as she was getting ready to go to the Annual Mulberry Sidewalk Christmas Sale and Parade.

"Mary,Mary, you're not going to believe this, but there's twelve large breasts on unicycles headed toward town!!" Tim spoke so fast Mary looked at him like he was stark raving mad.

"Twelve WHAT's on a WHAT?" Mary grinned incredulously at her goofy boyfriend, figuring this must be some sort of prank.

"Twelve breasts on unicycles!!" Tim reiterated. "Please, you've got to believe me!"

"Uh, sure, I believe you." Mary figured it was better not to argue the point.

"You do?" Tim beamed "Wow, you're cool!"

"Thanks!" Mary smiled "Are they armed?"

"We don't know!" Mitchell chimed in..."That's why we're going to follow them."

"I have a pocket knife for protection!" Tim proudly took a three inch cub scout blade out of his pants and waved it in front of his two friends.

"That wouldn't stop a tit on a fly!" Mitchell giggled.

"Oh yeah, well what do you have that's so much better?" Tim looked at his best friend with daggers.

"Only this!" Mitchell took a small water pistol out of his pocket and aimed it at Tim in a mock gesture of authority.

"Oh, I'm scared." Tim cowered. "I'm really scared!"

"Guys, let's go!" Mary was dying to see what the large Uni-Tits looked like.

So, armed with two Very Dangerous Weapons, the trio quickly drove toward Elm St., Mulberry's main thoroughfare. Tim fingered his pocket knife in nervous anticipation, as Mitchell tried his water pistol out on a hapless little spider that was crawling up the rear view mirror...

******************

Elm Street was bustling with activity. The vendors were just finishing setting up their booths, as volunteers put the final touches on the parade floats. Three large elephant heads stood expectantly at the bottom of the hill, waiting for the Grand Marshall to arrange them on the main float he would be riding on.

Alan Landers, the main Sidewalk Sale coordinator, was just about to blow the whistle signifying the start of the festivities when he saw a large object on what appeared to be a bicycle coming down the hill. He squinted, hoping his initial premonition was wrong. As the first Uni-Tit loomed on the crest of the hill, Alan started gesturing wildly and screeched orders to the startled vendors.

"Get out of the way! It's the Aliens! It's the Aliens!"

The crowd screamed madly and scattered as quickly as possible, but it was too late. The first "Alien" Uni-Tit smashed into the row of booths, upsetting their contents onto the street. Baskets of gourds spilled over the sidewalk as a thousand Christmas ornaments careened madly into the escaping crowd. Soon, all twelve Uni-Tits scooted along the crowded tarpulin covered sidewalk as booth after booth was demolished by the oncoming unicycles. A large group of potted Poinsettias whirled madly into the crowd as porcelain nativity figures were hurled huge distances, crashing onto the pavement as people screamed and gestured frantically.

The major of Mulberry came running out of a building, and almost got trampled by a group of three Uni-Tits that were weaving in and out of the crowd. When they reached the elephant heads, they slammed into them with such force the massive figures were lifted right over them. Now three grinning pachyderms raced down Elm St. at thirty miles an hour, making a slow yet steady progress to the Mulberry Soccer field.

***************

Jim Dolan was radiant. He'd made two goals already and was just about to try for a third when he heard a clamor in the distance. Thinking it was the parade coming by, he peered around the corner for a better look. All of a sudden, three large grinning elephants were rapidly coming toward him!

"Coach Meadows, Coach Meadows!" Jim ran as fast as he could to a large man holding a whistle. "The elephants are coming...the elephants are coming!!"

"The elephants are WHAT? Don't be ridiculous, there are no elephants around here!"

"But, they're coming, they're coming!!"

Jim continued to run as Bill Meadows, the town of Mulberry's soccer coach cautiously looked toward where a large racket was coming from. All of a sudden, without any warning whatsoever, three menacing elephants scooted madly toward the soccer field.

"IT'S AN ELEPHANT!!!!!! IT'S THREE ELEPHANTS!!!!!! GET AWAY!!!"

Two frantic soccer teams ran wildly as the Uni-Tits turned Elephants just missed them, crashing into a grinning statue of Ben Franklin. Three pachyderm heads were ripped off with the force of the impact, lolling on the street as they still grinned broadly. At the same time, five police cars came over the hill and cornered the remaining Uni-Tits, who were all trapped at the end of a cul-de-sac.

Tim, Mitchell,and Mary ran out of the crowd frantically toward the Uni-Tits. They had needed to park the car way back and ran nearly a half mile. As they descended upon the twelve "Aliens", six policemen got out of the squad cars carrying pistols.

"Get your hands up or we'll shoot!"

"Don't kill them, please don't kill them!" Mary tried to shout above the din of the crowd, wondering if the Uni-Tits even had hands.

The Uni-Tits staggered back, then suddenly appeared to collapse in the middle. Amidst a chorus of shouts and screams, twelve members of the Mulberry High Football team poked their heads out of large white sheets with a nipple hole cut out for their eyes. Each carried a large piece of white oaktag with a single letter scrawled on it. As the crowd gasped, Tim grinned at his totally shocked girlfriend.

"I LOVE YOU MARY" was the UniTit's message!

The anxious Mulberry townspeople looked around curiously, wondering who Mary was. But Tim and his girl had walked away and were in their own little world.

"You were in on this weren't you?" Mary winked at Tim slyly.

"Well, yeah, just a little." Tim's cheeks were burning.

"Was that my Christmas present?" Mary looked at Tim hopefully.

"Yeah, hope you liked it!" Tim continued to stare at the ground.

"I loved it...you are so special!" Mary gave Tim a long sloppy wet kiss that seemed to go on forever. Then the couple walked hand and hand toward Mitchell who was waiting for them patiently...

******************

"I guess this is it." Tim's hands shook a little bit as he walked with Mary into her bedroom. Her parents were away for a couple of days on business and they had the house to themselves.

"Yeah, this is it." Mary didn't quite know what to say either.

Tim kissed Mary full on the lips, then slowly began unbuttoning her blouse. At the same time, she yanked Tim's t-shirt over his head and started working on his belt. Two pairs of pants dropped at once as Mary's crotchless turquoise panties contrasted with Tim's stark white trim boxer shorts. She got rid of her matching blue bra quickly as Tim stepped out of his boxers. Then, the couple fell on the bed ecstatically, whispering sweet nothings in each others'ears as Tim gently entered his virgin girlfriend. She cried out in a mixture of pain and pleasure yet soon relaxed as Tim made love to her with infinite tenderness. The couple moaned and groaned as passion peaked within them. Seconds passed, then minutes of extreme pleasure before Tim let out a loud grunt. He stiffened and shot a richly satisfying load into Mary's moist cavern before the couple collapsed into each other's arms, basking in the beautiful afterglow....

***********

Mary awoke with a start. She heard a peculiar whirring noise in the distance, and quickly got up, turning on the bright porch floodlight. As her eyes popped and jaw dropped, a huge penis on a motorcycle whizzed by at great speed.

Mary hurried over to Tim, shaking him and screaming.

"Tim, Tim, You'll never believe what I just saw! It was a huge cock with a mushroom head riding a motorcycle! I think there are more coming!!"

Tim just looked at Mary and smiled.

"Let them take the town...all I care about is you!"

The couple embraced once more as Tim chuckled. In the distance, the Moto-Cocks sped away, until only a faint revving motor could be heard.

"Merry Christmas, Tim!"

"Merry Christmas, Mary!"

Fade to Black

(Hope you smiled a little ...laughter is the best medicine!)