The Awakening of Angel Ch. 18

The week had been a tiring one for me. I had returned to my old job and was trying to get back into the swing of things but the passion for the job was gone. The whole debacle with what's-his-name seemed like a lifetime ago, but in fact had just started in early June. What a fucking waste of a good summer! Yet I refused to admit that there was something missing, an empty spot that felt like it might never get filled. I'd even had a few dates but the guys all turned out to be boring. Oh they were nice enough, but they just seemed to lack substance. They were like plain yoghurt. That stupid horse tail still sat on the top of my dresser. I kept vowing to throw the damn thing away but something always interrupted me and I never followed through. Next week I had an appointment at the dermatologist to get the tracking chip removed from my back but I didn't know how I was going to explain it to the doctor. I was getting more sullen as the day went on.

My phone rang but there was no caller ID and whoever it was didn't show in my contacts so I declined the call. It immediately rang again, and I declined. Again it rang and now I was pissed off and answered.

"I don't know who the hell this is but stop calling this number!"

"It's Zombie ma'am."

Oh shit! Even though I was done with Tillman I still really cared about these people.

"Oh hi Zombie! Sorry, I didn't know it was you. Is everyone on the team okay?"

"Yes ma'am everyone is fine, including Champ, I mean Alexandra. And she's the reason I'm calling."

"Oh? Is she okay."

"Yes ma'am. She has a long way to go but she's out of ICU and starting some physical therapy. I've just come from visiting her and she asked me to call you. She said she misses you and would really like it if you could come visit her sometime."

"Oh uh, well, I do care about her and all of you but I don't know. I feel so used even though I don't think any of you knew about it."

"I'm sorry ma'am I don't know what you're talking about."

"Never mind Zombie. I'll think about it."

"Okay ma'am. I'll text you the hospital and room number. And I should say that the team misses you as well and we'd like to see you again sometime. We all got pretty attached to you."

"Well thank you Zombie. I gotta go now. Bye."

I hung up the phone and within seconds I got a text with the info. My finger paused over the delete button and then froze. I threw the phone on my bed and stomped out of my room.

The day passed in a haze of monotony of mundane chores that I was trying to distract my mind with. Laundry, dishes, cleaning the bathrooms, dusting the furniture, vacuuming, eating a tasteless lunch and dinner. Boring channel surfing and checking of email and social media accounts. In frustration I just went to bed.

That turned out to be a colossal flop. I couldn't relax, the sheets were scratchy, the pillow hot, and the crickets were sounding like a riot. I dozed a bit from time to time, got up, peed, drank some milk, back to bed, tossed and griped and did it again. During the times that I did manage to fall asleep I dreamt of Alexandra and her pushing me out that hole in the wall. Finally the daylight started breaking through the curtains and I looked at my phone to check the time. The text from Zombeek was still up. "Shit!" I decided that I'd better go see Alexandra or I was going to die of sleep deprivation. I went through my morning routine and left at about ten o'clock to go to the hospital. The drive took me past the smoothie shop where I'd been abducted and I shuddered inside and got a little sick to my stomach.

The lady at the hospital information desk gave me directions to the room but asked for my I.D. first which I thought strange. Why is it that you can never be close to the room you want to visit and you always have to walk across the whole hospital? Her room ended up being on the top floor and at the end of the corridor. There seemed to be lots of really fit people hanging around various areas and just watching. Then it clicked, they were military in civilian clothes. Most of them glance at me but otherwise seemed disinterested in my presence. There was a man outside of Alexandra's room and as I got closer I recognized him from the farmhouse. He was the young man whose rifle the jumpsuit had landed on and I had accidentally flashed.

"Hi Dim!"

Witkowski blushed a little.

"Hello Wings, you look really hot, um I mean good, um nice I mean."

"Thanks Dim, and it's ok. Is Champ taking visitors?"

"Roger that ma'am. She's been asking about you for weeks."

"Thanks. Hey, how's come there's so much security around?"

"Ma'am?"

"Members of the team and others I don't recognize all over the place."

"Oh I see, they aren't security. We're all just here to support Champ. Everyone rotates out and there's always someone here."

"Oh, thanks Dim"

I touched his shoulder as I walked into the room. There was another man standing next to Champ's bed and I was shocked at how she looked, certainly not the Alexandra that had lived with me in my house. The Alexandra that I had grown so close to. She looked like a shell but she smiled weakly when I entered the room.

"Hello Miss, I'm so happy you came."

"I think that's past don't you? Angel please."

"Angel, I'd like you to meet Sgt. Braxton, we call him Hicks."

I got that one, smiled and shook his hand.

"Hicks entered the room with me when came to get you."

Hicks seemed embarrassed, but I moved closer and hugged him and kissed him on the cheek.

"I owe my life to you. Thank you!"

Hicks seemed at a loss for words and mumbled an excuse about needing a drink and left the room.

Alexandra and I chatted about how she was doing and as it turned out her recovery was going well. I looked at her and realized that her injuries were due to rescuing me. My eyes filled with tears and I remembered a request that I had made of what's-his-name regarding bringing Alexandra to my house for recuperation. She was being released in a few days so that was a positive.

"Alexandra I want you to come live with me during your physical therapy and I miss you so much and my house is so empty without you and I want to help take care of you so please say yes!"

It all came out as one long sentence. She looked at me thoughtfully and then indicated that I should close the door, which I did, and then sat next to her.

"Yes Angel I will. But we need to talk about something first..."

"You aren't going to talk about TillHole to me are you? I won't listen if that's it!"

"Listen here you self-centered little miss bitchy pants. You will listen to what I have to say or I won't come stay with you!"

My temper started to flare but I really wanted her to come to my house so I sat and listened, but looked sullen.

"First of all, Tillman had no idea that this was going..."

"But what about the tracker?!"

"Don't interrupt me again. You'll be quiet and not butt in and let me say my piece and then you can talk."

I went back to pouting.

"Tillman had no idea that this was going to happen. The tracker chip was because of his anxiety over what happened to Victoria. Everyone on the team now has one, so that means to him you were part of the team. Why do you think he left you at that farmhouse for so long with a big chunk of us? It's because he wanted to see how you'd fit in with us. And it's not because he wants you going out on missions, it's because we are his family and he wants you involved. When you took coffee out and figured out how to cook everyone breakfast it pretty much cemented with him that you'd be one of us.

I started to open my mouth but Alexandra raised a hand to stop me.

"We love you, but more importantly Tillman loves you. He just won't admit it. And you love him. And don't give me that crap about being mad at him. The reasons you are mad are baseless and he was trying to explain but you wouldn't listen. You totally read him and his intentions wrong and you stabbed him in the heart, and he hasn't been the same since. He was getting better but now he's worse again. Now I really care about you and love you but you really fucked this one up girlfriend. Big-time! You can talk now."

Alexandra's words hit me like a cattle prod. Tears streamed down my cheeks as all the pieces fell into place in my mind. He was totally innocent and in reality had saved my life because of the chip. What was I always feeling like dirt around him? Then I came to the harsh realization that all the times I had felt like dirt were because I had lost control or done something rash. I wanted to reach out to him, to beg his forgiveness.

"Oh God, what should I do Alexandra? Should I call him?"

"No, I don't think he'd answer. Let me try. He listens to me. Go on home but get with Doc first so that he can get all the stuff I'll need set up at your house."

I kissed her on the cheek and hugged her lightly and carefully. In the process I saw some of her wounds and surgery sutures. It was a humbling experience and I felt lower than whale shit. I headed home with the mind of having the place all ready for Alexandra.

This hospital was becoming too familiar and I would be glad when Alexandra was released. Too familiar because I visited her nearly every day. When I walked into her room she seemed off, like distracted or on edge.

"Hi Champ! How are the violin lessons coming along?"

Not even a smirk.

"Boss we need to talk, please close the door."

Oh shit! It's never good when a woman say that. I did as she said and sat.

"Permission to speak rank off?"

"Yes of course Champ. What is it?"

"Well it's Alexandra right now. First let me say that I owe you my life and my sister's. You have been a father to us, we're forever in your debt, and I'll always love you, but.."

Here it comes buddy. The big but.

"What the fuck are you doing?!"

She caught me by surprise with that and I know it showed on my face.

"I'm sorry? What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about all the people you are hurting! Your downhill slide since Victoria has worn on us, your only family. We have had to worry every night that you were going to blow your brains out and never knew if you had or not until we heard from you or you walked in. What happened to Victoria was not your fault and yet you continue to punish yourself for the actions of evil men. In essence you have let them win. Would Victoria have wanted that? Hell no! And you know it. So by letting them win you are letting her down, and you are letting us down. And to top it off you have a perfect woman who loves you to death and has worried with the rest of us and you have pushed her away as well!"

What she was saying really cut deep.

"But Angel doesn't love me?"

"Oh fucking wake up and smell the coffee Mr. I'm So Observant! The girl let you stick a horse tail butt plug up her ass and laid in her own piss for you. She failed tests just so she could continue to be near you. Yes, all that and much more. We talked. And Mr. Observant, you are so blind that you can't even see that I'm in love with you and have been since the day you rescued me and my sister. I know I will never have you because you see me as a little sister and I've come to terms with that. But because I love you I cannot stand to see you in this self-destructive spiral and if you don't do something quick to fix all this then I'm resigning. I cannot stand to sit by and watch you kill yourself when happiness is just an arm's-reach away. Even Roxie worries about you! You stupid, stupid bastard. Get the fuck out of my room and kill yourself someplace else! I'm not going to watch you do it!"

Alexandra was pounding the bed and crying full blast. I was dumbstruck like I had been hit by a coal train. A million thoughts were racing through my head and all I could do was dumbly get up and shuffle out the door. My team and the nurses were all frozen in place, not sure what to do, and I punched the elevator button.

I didn't even remember the drive home. I was on autopilot. Mechanically I grabbed a beer and plopped down in a deck chair by the pool. The blue water beckoned me. It would be so nice and quiet at the bottom of the pool. No more nightmares, just quiet blackness. Oh Victoria, I am so sorry. I allowed myself to just tilt forward and fall into the pool. The water was so cool and quiet. I willed myself to sink to the bottom. My heartbeat slowing in my ears. Just relax and open your mouth. Something dark caught my eye above. Damn, fuck, shit! Roxie! Who was going to take care of her after I was gone? I kicked back up to the surface and she was standing at the edge of the pool looking concerned. As the water cleared from my eyes I saw some fabric in her mouth. I pulled it away and it was a blue football jersey with white letters.

Mom had invited me to her new place for dinner. She wasn't that great a cook but the quality of the food didn't matter. She was so happy now that my useless excuse of a father was gone and he had been very reliable in sending Mom money every month which came in handy. We ate, threw the dishes in the sink and sat down on the couch with a bottle of wine. We talked easily and freely like a burden had been lifted. Then the doorbell rang. I hopped up to get it so that Mom didn't have to. When I opened the door I just about fell down on the ground. It was Tillman dressed in an expensive suit and he was holding a bouquet of flowers.

"Good evening Miss. I wonder if I might have a conversation with your mother?"

I know my mouth was wide open in shock and I simply just stood aside as he walked in and sat next to my mother, who looked equally stunned. What a comical pair we must have looked and I don't know how Tillman wasn't laughing.

"Ma'am, I'm Barrett Tillman and I'd like to ask permission to date your daughter."

Mom was still stunned but I noticed something. Tillman's hands were shaking and he had a quiver to his voice. He had also cleared his throat a number of times. Tillman was nervous. I melted inside. My mom didn't know what to say and just nodded and waved her hand.

"Thank you ma'am. These are for you."

My mom still sat there like a deer in the headlights and mechanically took the flowers. Tillman turned to me.

"Are you free for dinner tomorrow night at seven?"

Now it was my time to just nod.

He smiled a killer smile and flashed those icy blue eyes.

"Thank you Miss Angel. I will pick you up at your house."

With that he walked out and drove away. I stood at the door gawking down the street like a farmer who had just seen his cow flying in the barn.

There were so many questions that I wanted to ask Tillman but I decided that I would narrow it down to a few and forget the rest. The guy had been through so much and had helped me so much that the little stuff didn't matter anymore. My mind went back to all of our encounters and, as usual, I started getting wet. I toweled off down there and tried to put it out of my mind. I selected a long white gown with a slightly modest slit and matching underwear and thigh high nylons. Hair, nails, makeup, perfume, the whole shooting match. My mind was made up that tonight would go well, at least as far as my behavior was concerned.

Promptly at seven a red Ferrari pulled up and not the limo. Tillman got out and he was wearing a very expensive suit and held a single red rose. He handed me the rose and helped me down into the Ferrari, which wasn't easy in a slit gown. Rather than showing off he drove the car very conservatively and yet very precisely. So typically Tillman! We arrived at the restaurant, an upscale French place and he stood in such a way that I could get up out of the Ferrari without exposing myself to the valet. He then handed the keys to the valet and I heard something about real-time car monitoring, valuing balls, and good tip after. The valet's eyes got very big and he started the car and drove off very slowly.

Tillman was always full of surprises and rather than stop at the Maitre D' he took me right to our table, which was undoubtedly the best in the house and it appeared that the surrounding tables had been repositioned a little further away to draw the guests attention to this special table. On a side table was a vase of at least 36 red roses. All the other tables had small center pieces of daisies. Tillman pulled out my chair for me and then sat opposite. The sommelier walked over and poured champagne which I'm sure was not cheap. We clinked glasses and the waiter stepped over and Tillman simply nodded to him. I took it to mean that he had already determined our selections and was just telling the waiter to get it started. Then he looked at me intently and smiled.

"Thank you for going out with me. I was unsure if you would."

"I'm happy to be out with you Teacher."

"Please, it's Barrett, and the contract is over."

"Okay, um, Barrett. How could I say no to the man who saved my life?"

"But I thought you were upset about what I did?"

"Yes I was. But I didn't understand everything. I jumped to conclusions without having all the facts. I went into battle but didn't bother getting intel first. And the result was that I accused you of things you didn't do and said hurtful things that weren't true, which seems to be an ongoing flaw of mine. So I'm asking you to forgive me."

Barrett seemed taken aback and stumbled on a response.

"Well there's nothing to forgive and if I had been doing my job right none of this would have happened."

"I'm waving the bullshit flag Barrett!"

I said it loud enough that some of the other patrons looked our way.

"I behaved like a spoiled teenager and if you don't accept my apology then this date is over. And BS on the whole not doing your job right. Look at all the people you've saved over the years! When bad people are around then bad stuff happens. By your reasoning if the cops did their jobs right there wouldn't be any crime. I'm going to tell you something and you'd better listen. You aren't fucking superman and nobody expects you to be, except you. You have far exceeded any normal sort of standards of human behavior and yet you punish yourself for not being perfect. And yet you are perfect to those who know you. So fucking forgive me and forgive yourself!"

Barrett's eyes began to fill with tears and I could see him swallowing repeatedly.

"But Victoria..."

"God damn it Tillman! Victoria loved you with all her heart. Do you think that she'd want you in this much pain? Do you think she would want you punishing and torturing yourself for the rest of your life? No! She would have wanted you to be happy wouldn't she?"

He couldn't speak and just looked at me with tear-filled eyes and nodded. He looked like a little boy on that moment I softened my voice.

"Then do her the honor of forgiving yourself. Can you do that for her?"

He clenched the tablecloth with both his hands and it moved towards him. I was afraid he was going to pull everything off the table. His whole body tensed and his eyes got that ten-thousand yard stare, and he shook for a moment. Really more of a shudder? No it was like a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders and he gave me a tiny little smile.

I got up and took his hand.

"Come outside for just a minute."

We walked out the back where the restaurant had a nice little garden and stopped at a little pond under a tree. Facing him I looked up and bit my lower lip.

"Barrett, would you please hold me?"

He took me in his arms and just about smothered me. He was holding on to me like it was for dear life and bent his head down near my ear. His voice dripped with sorrow, pain and hurt and was almost inaudible when he spoke.