The Ballad of Tam Lin

"That could have killed me," said Tam Lin, turning back into a man.

"What," said Janet, "my breast?"

"That too. You know Janet, I think you're holding my reputation against me, but there are things about me you don't know. For example, I live under a terrible curse."

"Who doesn't?" said Janet, skipping stones again.

"It's true. I wasn't always a fairy. Once I was as human as you are."

"Less, I would think."

"And a knight of some renown."

"Then why have I never heard of you?"

"I said some renown, not much renown."

"Well tell me, Tam Lin, why did you come here to dwell?"

"Because the Queen of Fairies caught me when I fell from my horse," said Tam Lin. He skipped a stone that hit hers in midair.

"Drunk?"

"Not enough."

Janet shrugged. "Why are you telling me this?"

Tam Lin, for once, had to choose his words carefully. "What you might not know about the Queen of Fairies is that at the end of every seven years she pays a Tithe to Hell by sacrificing one of her subjects. It's going to happen soon, and I'm afraid it's going to be me."

"Why you?"

"It's always the most beautiful she chooses." He shook his hair out. It shimmered. "I'm cursed to haunt these woods until the queen murders me. Or until a virtuous, kind-hearted woman falls in love with me and helps me become mortal again." He threw up his hands. "But where am I going to find one of those?"

Janet turned, stood right in front of him, and looked him in the eye for the first time. He smiled. She didn't. He flinched. They stood face to face for a long time without speaking. Tam Lin felt uncomfortable. It was a first. Finally Janet said, "All right."

He blinked. "All right what?"

"All right then, it's me. I love you."

"You do?" said Tam Lin.

"Oh yes," said Janet, turning and sitting by the riverbank again. "Very much. With all my heart. At first sight." She looked at her nails.

"Um...wonderful?" said Tam Lin. He frowned. This is not how he'd imagined the moment.

"Is that all it takes?" said Janet.

Tam Lin cleared his throat. "I believe there's some additional consummation. As a formality."

He began rubbing her shoulders. She nodded. "I was afraid of that."

She laid her green cloak on the grass. Then she laid down on it, face-up, propping her hands behind her head and gesturing to Tam Lin. "Well, come on then: Take me." She said it in tones usually reserved for ordering someone to clean the stables. Tam Lin, breaking all known precedent, hesitated. On one hand, here was a beautiful woman who had given him an unambiguous go-ahead. On the other hand, her body language suggested less a woman and more a fallen tree. And while he had absolutely no experience in the matter, he was reasonably certain that true love was supposed to seem a bit more...well, true.

Maybe she's just nervous, he told himself. Janet examined the stitching of her cloak with a critical eye while she waited. Perhaps a kiss would loosen her up? He lay beside her, running his fingers through her hair, touching her cheek, leaning in and pressing his lips to her soft, red, trembling—

"Excuse me?" Janet said.

Tam Lin sat up. "Hmm?"

"Don't tell me you need directions?" Janet said. "Your business is down there, not up here."

"It's customary to usually—"

"I don't stand on custom. I don't lie under it either. It's a very long ride back to the castle, so if we could just get a move on with the particulars?"

"Look, are you sure you're in love with me?"

"Does that sound like something I'd be unsure of?"

"Increasingly, yes."

"Oh fine," said Janet, sitting up and sighing. "Tam Lin, you're the most spectacular man I've ever met. Tam Lin, you're an Adonis, I can't live without you. Tam Lin, you've stoked an unquenchable fire in my loins and I can't bear another minute without your touch. Take me, oh take me now my brave champion, etc. Convinced?"

Not really, thought Tam Lin, but the hell with it. He unfastened his breeches. Janet lay back again and pulled up her riding skirts, which she'd had the forethought to wear with a minimum of undergarments. Tam Lin had to coax her legs apart. Finally he got himself well-situated and then...and then...

Janet sighed again. "Problem?"

"...this has never happened to me before."

"You cannot be serious."

"Well, all right, once, but that was with a wood nymph and she was very—"

"No, I mean, you cannot seriously be having this problem now?"

"Because you see it was autumn and in autumn a wood nymph gets to be—"

"Tam Lin!" Janet snapped her fingers in front of his face. "Let's not worry about all the women you've failed to satisfy over the years. Concentrate on the woman you're failing to satisfy now."

Now it was Tam Lin's turn to be cross. "You're not exactly helping, you know."

"What else do you need me to do?" Janet looked around. "I'm here, I'm lying in the glen, I'm facing up; to hear most of the stories this is all the cooperation you should need. I don't even necessarily have to be awake for the next part, as I understand it."

"Generally there's a little more to—" He stopped. He was looking at her bosom. Janet looked too; she thought she might have a bug on her or something. "Unlace your bodice," Tam Lin said.

"Why?"

"Because you have breasts that would give a dead man an erection. And anyway, it's—"

"Customary?" Tam Lin pinched the bridge of his nose. "Oh fine," Janet said, busy with the laces.

Tam Lin watched as her body was revealed one inch of retreating fabric at a time. His eyes went wide. Then wider. Then wider."Satisfied?"

"Not yet, but just give me a minute," Tam Lin said, busy with his codpiece.

"A minute, is that all?"

"Don't go developing standards now or we'll never get through this."

"That's the most sensible thing you've said all day." Janet shook her shoulders, making her breasts jiggle. "Come on then." Tam Lin's hands roamed over her, taking a double handful and squeezing. Janet jumped. "Hey, those are attached!"

"And what a fetching frame they're attached to," Tam Lin said.

"That kind of talk will get nothing out of me," said Janet. "Just hurry up and—ooh!" She jumped again as he kissed a nipple. His tongue flickered over it. Janet shivered. "Ahem. As I was saying, that's not going to—"

"Lie back please."

"Yes, of course." Janet laid back. "As I was saying, don't go thinking that just because of your dozens and dozens and dozens—"

"And dozens."

"Yes, and dozens of other women were easy to—"

"Legs open."

"Of course. What was I saying?"

"Dozens and dozens of women."

"Right. You can't go thinking that just because—OH!"

Janet gasped and all the muscles in her body went rigid...then relaxed all at once.

"Oh..." she said. "Oh...my..."

"Don't go taking my name in vain yet, we've just started."

"Stop talking." She put her hand over his mouth. "Just...do what you do best."

***

Janet sat in her father's hall and kept quiet while the wise woman worked. Her father paced the room and chewed his nails. The wise woman kept whistling, for some reason. Finally the old woman stood and nodded and said, "She is."

The duke's shoulders slumped. "How can you tell? It's only been a week."

"I can tell," said the wise woman. "It's what I do."

"I'm afraid that settles it," said Janet, "Obviously I can't marry Sir Topaz now. I'm so sorry, father."

The duke moaned. "How could this happen?"

"Same way it happened when you were that age," said the wise woman. "They haven't changed the rules since then."

Janet traced a pattern on the windowpane. "I swear I remember nothing. I'm sure Tam Lin must have enchanted me."

"Fourth girl this year I've seen fell under that particular enchantment," said the wise woman.

"Damn that rake," said the duke. "I'll burn the forest to the ground!" He went to Janet and hugged her. She did not return it. "We'll find a way to fix this."

"Fix it?" said Janet. "Whatever do you mean?"

The duke bit his lip. "Go to Sir Topaz. Spend the night with him. He'll never have reason to suspect that the baby isn't his. He's not very bright anyway..."

Janet looked shocked. "I can't marry any man but the baby's true father! It would be...a sin."

"That's right," said the wise woman. The duke scowled at her.

"What do you propose?" said the duke. "You can't marry a wood spirit."

Janet was quiet for a little while. "He wasn't always a spirit. Once he was a knight. And he could be again, or so he told me."

The duke perked up. "Is that true? I mean, can you really believe what he says?"

"I don't know. But it might be our only hope. You would approve, father, as long as he was an earthly knight? It wouldn't matter that he wasn't who you chose?"

"It matters. It sure as hell matters," said the duke, stroking his beard. "But...I could live with it. What do we do?"

"Just leave that to me," Janet said. And she went to get her green cloak.

***

Tam Lin was disguised as a puddle on the side of the road when she arrived, but of course Janet recognized him right away. "Oh, hello," he said, sitting up and drying himself off. She kissed his cheek. It was a grey day. Tam Lin looked grey around the edges himself.

"You don't seem well?" she said.

"I'm not well. I'm going to die. It's Hallo'ween and I still can't leave Carterhaugh."

"You can't?" said Janet, sitting down with the clover. "How very odd."

"I don't understand it: Once I have the love of a good woman that should break the curse. Unless..." He grabbed Janet by the shoulders and shook her a little. "Janet, you do love me, don't you? Really?"

"Of course," she said, studying the grass blades under her feet. "Truly. Deeply. With all my heart."

"Janet...I'm beginning to suspect you've taken advantage of me."

"Are you upset?"

"No, impressed. Very impressed. But it doesn't help either of us right now. You're pregnant, aren't you?"

She nodded.

"And you wanted to help me so that I can get you out of an engagement, don't you?"

"Are you reading my mind?"

"No, just your behavior. You can't marry me if I'm dead, you know."

"I can't marry you anyway. Nuntil you're a proper man."

"I haven't been a proper man in my entire life," said Tam Lin. "I can't believe it's going to end like this. I have so much to live for: Songs, and wines, and women, and food, and women, and the forest, and women..."

Janet took her cloak off, laid it on the grass, and stretched out on it to think. "This Tithe," she said, "there's a ceremony?"

"Yes," said Tam Lin, his voice flat.

"What if we stopped it? She can't sacrifice you if we don't let the sacrifice happen, right?"

He laughed. "Oh, that's rich. You'll stop her, will you? She's the Queen of Fairies and you're—" He stopped. "You're...someone magic doesn't work on. I think? He held up his hand. "What do you see?"

"A rock."

"Not a diamond?"

"No, just a rock."

"She sees right through me," said Tam Lin. "Janet, I'm having a thought."

"There's a first time for everything."

"As I've said to so many young women these seven years," he said. "But I think I know how we can save me. By which I mean us. But only if you're feeling very brave." He looked at her. "Are you very brave, Janet?"

She put both hands on her belly. "I hope so," she said.

***

The fairies arrived one by one, and the bells hanging from their bridles rang through the forest, a warning to any mortal foolish enough to be out on Hallo'ween night. Tam Lin rode on the white steed, nearest to the town. As he'd once been an earthly knight, they afforded him a place of renown, though given the aim of their gathering he was not sure he enjoyed being singled out. As they neared the crossroads he broke ranks and rode side by side with the Queen. Her horse was an unholy looking thing, and everywhere it set its great hooves the ground broke. The Queen herself started straight ahead, eyes like diamonds. "Lovely evening, isn't it your majesty?" he said.

"It is an evening," said the Queen.

"A lovely evening," said Tam Lin, smiling. The Queen did not reply. Her retainers kept their distance. They were all curious to see what was going to happen, but none of them wanted to risk being in the zone of the splatter if the Queen decided to discipline him for his impropriety. Tam Lin stopped to mop his forehead with a silk handkerchief (one of Lady Roanoke's, judging from the embroidery). They were almost at the crossroads, and the well.

He cleared his throat. "Pardon me," he said, "but if it's not impertinent to ask, I don't believe we've yet decided, or at least, it hasn't yet been announced...what I mean to say is: Who is it, this year?"

The Queen of Fairies turned her head. Her retinue cowered. Even Tam Lin had to blanch. She said nothing, but pointed to the crossroads. Tam Lin swallowed. "I see," he said. Then, louder, he said, "I suppose there's nothing to be done about it now. Can't save a damned man."

He waited.

"I said, can't save a damned man!"

The fairies stared. Tam Lin's horse pawed at the ground. Tam Lin found he was sweating even more. He licked his lips and tried one last time:

"Can't save—!"

Now, finally, there came a crashing and a thumping from the bushes. Janet leapt from her hiding place beside the well, streaked through the ranks of the fairies and, before any of them could react, reached the steed she'd aimed for and dragged its rider down to the ground. The horse reared away, bells on its bridle ringing, and Janet stood over the downed rider, glowering at any who dared come close. "You cannot have this man," she said. "I have a claim to him that's deeper than any of yours. If you would challenge me for him, then let's see how all of your fairy magic compare to—"

"Um, Janet?" said Tam Lin.

"What?" She glared.

"I'm over here."

She paused. She looked at the fairy on the ground. Then she looked at Tam Lin, still on his horse.

She blushed.

"I told you I'd be on the white horse," Tam Lin said, hissing.

"That was a white horse!"

"That horse is grey."

"Well it's dark!"

"Is it so dark that you've gone blind? Because that's the only way—"

"Excuse me?" said the fairy on the ground. "Can I get up now?"

"Oh!" said Janet, stepping away with a dainty gesture. "I'm terribly sorry, sir."

"Quite all right," said the fairy, dusting himself off. "In fact, if you wanted to go on with what you were saying..."

Janet skirted away. "No, that's okay, I found the one I want. I think." Trotting over to the white steed, she pulled Tam Lin out of his saddle (rather harder than was necessary, he felt), straightened up, brushed her bangs out of her face, and said, "As I was saying, this man is mine. If you any of you would challenge me for the right to him, then show me all the power of your fairy magic, or else disperse."

The fairies shied away. Some because they were impressed by the fire in Janet's eyes, but others because they knew the Queen liked a lot of room to work in when she was disemboweling someone. "That man?" said the Queen of Fairies, "That man on the ground?"

Janet said nothing. The question did not require an answer, and she knew that answering questions was one way to fall under a fairy's power. Tam Lin seemed to think that magic would not work on her, but he also admitted that the Queen's powers were far beyond his, and you never could be sure what magic was going to do anyway.

The Queen pointed at Tam Lin and said, "That man, or that beast?"

Janet heard a snarl, and when she looked she saw that Tam Lin had become a savage lion, his great claws and shining white fangs bared. For a moment feared seized her heart, but Tam Lin had warned her about such tricks. Rather than run, she threw her arms around the lion's neck, seizing him by the mane and hugging him tight. The beast grew immediately tame.

The Queen made a gesture and Janet felt the body of the lion shrink away. Now in its place there was a great, writhing serpent, and it twined its coils around her, threatening to squeeze the life out of her. But Janet, still prepared by Tam Lin's coaching, seized the snake behind its and kissed it. The coils hung loose around her. The assembled fairies could not suppress a murmur of admiration, though they quieted when they saw the Queen bristle.

The Queen pointed to Tam Lin again and now the snake became a red-hot brand, burning with her fury. If Janet did not let go, her flesh would be scorched to the bone. The Queen smiled; she knew she had won. Janet had only seconds to reacts, so she did the only thing there was to do: She dropped the brand.

She dropped it right into the well.

As the searing metal hit the water a cloud of steam whooshed up. There was a sound like the trunk of a great tree splitting, and, as all assembled watched, the Queen of Fairies staggered, as if struck, and for the first time the fairies of the court saw a flicker of pain on her face. The steam cleared away. At first nothing happened. Then, a hand appeared over the side of the well. Then two. Then, naked, wet, bedraggled, and sore, Tam Lin pulled himself out of the well and flopped onto the ground. "Well?" said Janet.

"Yes, a well," said Tam Lin.

"I meant, are you human again?"

"I'm human and you're inhumane." He shivered and shook his wet hair.

Janet draped her cloak around Tam Lin's naked shoulders. "I have baptized this man in the name of God the most holy, the one who turned his back on your kind. You will relinquish all claims to him, in body, mind, and soul, or tempt the wrath of the almighty."

The fairies, who could not abide the name of God, fell to their knees in supplication and departed, vanishing in a twinkling and leaving the sound of bells in their midst. Only the Queen herself remained. Her eyes burned like Hell. She raised a hand and prepared to strike Janet down where she stood, or perhaps to exact her final revenge on Tam Lin, but at the very moment, somewhere in the town, too far away to truly be heard but still audible to those extra senses possessed by magical creatures, there came the tolling of a bell. Hallo'ween was over and All Saints Day had begun The Queen had not paid the Tithe on time. With a cry of inhuman rage the Queen departed. The world seemed to sigh in relief at her absence. Janet allowed herself to breathe again. Tam Lin, doing his best to use her cloak as a bath towel, scarcely noticed that he was saved.

"The baptism was a bit much, don't you think?" he said.

"It was just an excuse to give you a bath. You smell like a barn."

It was a warm night all of a sudden. The stars were out. Tam Lin turned to his bride-to-be. "Janet," he said, "up until now I've been a completely worthless cad for my entire life: a drunkard, a liar, a womanizer, a thief—"

"Bit of a slob, too."

"As you say. But now that's all going to change."

She looked at him.

"Most of it will change."

She cocked an eyebrow.

"One or two things will change. But they'll be big things! Important things! I know you'll be impressed. As of tonight, I'm a brand new man—literally."

Janet shrugged and walked to where the last few roses were still hanging, somewhat wilted, on the bush. "Is that your idea of a proposal?" she said.

Tam Lin sighed. "Oh, hell." He went down on his knees, but then when he remembered the last thing he was doing on his knees in front of Janet he decided maybe it would be more dignified if he stood. He took a deep breath. "As much as I'd hoped to live my entire life without every saying these words: Lady, I love you. Will you marry me?"

Janet picked a flower. "I suppose I really must." She paused. "But you will have to provide a proper ring."

"As it just so happens," Tam Lin said, "I think I know where I can find several for you to choose from."