The Chaos Theory

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Two worlds collide.
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The Orangery was airy and lit naturally from the south side by floor to ceiling French Windows. These were now folded back alternately, along its whole length. A cooling breeze shifted the tied back lace curtaining and fans were dotted around the inner edges to further cool the room. It was large, fifty foot wide and nearly a hundred feet long. The high ceiling, vaulted and plastered, was sixty feet above the guests, it's covering of pale cream paint was interwoven with hand painted flowers. People mingled and talked in low tones, the occasional loud voice or rumble of laughter not really disturbing the peace.

Two people, unattached to any group, moved listlessly around and through the throng, until as fate decided, they met between two groups of happy chattering party goers.

"Hi!"

"Hi!"

They glanced at each other then around at the gathering. People with drinks and nibbles engaged in sparkling conversation, suits and cocktail dresses abounded. His DJ looked rumpled and well used, her knee length black dress, scoop necked and sleeveless looked stunning. He was six foot two, and a hint of grey at his temples betrayed his age, his messy hairstyle and boyish good looks showed a man turning towards middle age, a hint here and there of a crease, a line, or a wrinkle. She looked radiant, clear skinned, tanned lightly with little makeup, a single gold necklace at her neck, her blonde hair a stylish shoulder length, her legs long and tanned ended in feet encased in flat pumps. At almost six foot one, she was in every way his equal.

They glanced back to each other, she smiled, he smiled,

"I'm Josh, Josh Greening, Professor of Business Studies."

"Bill, Bill Gates, my sisters the Academic Bursar,"

"Oh! Issy is your sister then? She's a great lady, very efficient and neat, her husbands here too, I understand."

"Yeah Geoff. He's a great guy, love him to bits, he and Issy are so good for each other."

They looked away, then back, she smiled, he thought then blurted out,

"Hhmmph! Bill's an unusual girls name, whatever possessed your parents to... Sorry that was rude, entirely wrong, I apologise, mouth in top brain in neutral."

"No it's OK, no need, honestly. My given name is Wilhelmina, bit of a mouthful. The family shortened it to Willy, then Billy, then Bill." She shrugged and grinned.

"Issy is Isolde, although she pretends it's Isadora," she smiled, he smiled.

"Very Teutonic!"

She glanced round and back, smiled again at him. Silence! They tried to avoid direct eye contact, and glanced away again.

"Look don't feel you have to try to small talk with me, if you have someone who you want to see, you toddle off and go," he said with a concerned look on his face.

"No! No! it's just, well, I don't know anyone here and I'm over from home to visit and Issy insisted I come along, but I don't feel I fit in here that's all."

"Well you don't, you're far too pretty for one thing, and about fifty years too young for another." He grinned and took a small mouthful of wine.

"Oh my! that was a bit unexpected, are all Englishmen as candid as you?"

"No and yes but for future cultural reference we say "British" not English, it's a little too xenophobic for us to call ourselves English. We are, after all, a multicultural society here. We have diverse ethnic backgrounds and the British mongrel's made up of many individual breeds intermingled."

She giggled uncontrollably and her tall body shook with laughter. Several nearby heads turned and surveyed the sight of poor old Professor Greening blushing as an extremely attractive young girl laughed at him. They giggled and whispered, enjoying the professors discomfort.

"Bill are you OK?"

Issy walked up to her younger sister and placed a maternal hand on her shaking shoulder. They looked similar in many ways, both in features and height. Both were extraordinarily tall and willowy women, both looked, no shouted 'Class' he thought.

"Yes thank you Issy, Professor Greening is a most interesting and astute man, I could learn a lot from him."

She instantly dissolved again, as Josh Greening spluttered into his wine glass a huge grin on his face.

"Do Not! embarrass me or yourself Bill. Get a hold of yourself. Remember you are not at home now!"

Issy's rebuke was issued through gritted teeth as she leaned into her sister.

"Don't worry Issy, I'll take Ms...errr?" he stalled then continued, "...outside, or I may call you Bill?"

"It's Ms Gates, but yes of course, if I can call you Josh?"

"Absolutely, well let's away then, full speed ahead."

Josh crooked his elbow and Bill slid her slender arm through it. Clamping it tight Josh steered them through the room and out onto the patio outside the Great Hall, as Issy stood, mouth open watching them as they disappeared.

Stepping outside,into the late afternoon sun he was quite pleased to see all the heads turn and chins drop as he steered the exquisite creature on his arm out of sight.

"Well that was a right to do wasn't it?" he exclaimed as they stepped outside the building.

"I'm so sorry Issy is very protective because she thinks I'm going to screw up again."

"Again!"

"I have a rap sheet as long as your arm."

"What a lovely phrase, mixing English and American, so descriptive."

"Thanks,"

She walked slowly with him along the patio outside the building, looking across the sun dappled sloping grass lawn to where it met the river. A few lazy craft moved gracefully along the waterway. Several people, strolled, as they did, following paths dotted about the lawn and riverbank.

"So what is it that you do so badly Bill?"

"Well, there's the incident with the dessert at Thanksgiving, the time I tore my "New Dress" at a Society Ball revealing my underwear, and the small but inconvenient panty wetting when I was nine."

"Oh Dear! sounds awful."

"That's only the headlines, I've done far worse."

"Ah!"

"Yeah, I am one of natures true fuck ups, oh sorry!"

He grinned, and patted her arm.

"No worries, welcome to my world. I too am a master of the stupid. I could have done my PhD in fuck ups. I am a Triple A rated clusterfuck master."

"Wow, that is some resume my friend, wanna give me a swift overview of the history?"

"I'm afraid I'd be boring you, well more than I am at present."

"Come On! you are not boring me, I find this a fascinating topic. It's kind of building up to a seminar or something. 'Great Clusterfucks, a history', know what I mean?"

"Maybe we should call a Conference, invite the inept, if they can make it of course, and discourse on great fuck ups we have witnessed, caused, got damaged in."

"You may have a point there Prof. what say you and I find a bar and discuss this important and upcoming Symposium?"

"Well there's a pub just round the corner, much frequented by the students, especially those on my courses, where we can talk in relative peace and quiet, and eat if you wish."

"Won't it be kinda busy, what with the students?"

"Ahh, now here's the curious thing; on a Friday and a Saturday evening, they go to the Students Union, since it has a Happy Hour from four thirty until closing time."

"Helluva Hour!"

"Indeed, Drinks fifty percent off, that's two for the price of one. Jugs of beer at seventy percent less than the normal price are always very popular."

"How do you know all this Prof?"

"I used to be a student here some while ago, I remember the headaches vividly. And I performed some of my most embarrassing cockups at the SU on a regular basis."

"Do tell?"

They had turned off onto a path by the side of the College and shortly he steered her down a narrow passage until they came to a building that lay slightly back from the rest, creating an inner court with tables and chairs. A small narrow doorway set in the wall of the building served as the entrance. Although the entrance to the pub stood shut, there were a myriad of small lights inside at the windows, together with strings of fairy lights hanging from the wall to the wall of the next building, creating a semi Victorian feel to the paved area set back from the alley.

"Oh that is just magical, I am impressed."

"We try to please, now may I?"

Josh allowed her arm to slip out from his and held the pub door open. Entering they stepped back in time forty years, the decor mid seventies, and distinctly faded. A few regulars drank desultorily in various corners. The lazy click click of balls on a pool table could be heard. The Jukebox hung off the wall, broken and unfixed for years. Bill glanced round and back to Josh.

"A real English Pub?"

"Spit and sawdust, as we say, seventies primitive, it has a real ambiance."

"You don't say?"

"What would you like to drink?"

"Do you think they'd have a Californian Chardonnay?"

"Doubt it, but I'll ask, any backup? or shall a I stick to any vaguely whitish wine from the New World?"

"Surprise me Prof.!" She grinned, "Is there a restroom here?"

"Toilets are over there, if by restroom you mean toilet?"

"Hmm, OK, thanks."

Josh watched from the bar as her delightfully lithe body swayed away towards the back of the pub. The barman stood in front of him, he looked older than his fifty five years. Dressed in a reasonably clean but un-ironed shirt, unbuttoned at the neck, above a pair of blue denims, held up unsuccessfully by a black belt. Since he was the only person behind the bar he appeared to be the man in charge.

His hangdog demeanor and monosyllabic voice had turned away many a chance entrant. Regulars knew and ignored his manner, finding the beer, food and general ambiance a better indication of the pubs worth.

"Will you be drinking Greening, or are you just drooling this evening?"

"Hi Ted, a pint for me and a New World White Wine for my lovely companion."

"You lucked out there then, what happened everyone else got food poisoning?"

"Something like that, speaking of which, are you doing food now and if so, what's marginally edible on the list?"

"Cheeky bastard, Margery has assembled a set of hand crafted pies and fresh vegetables for your pleasure. The lists on the board, but if I were you I'd steer clear of the Game Pie."

"Bad Huh?"

"No I want a piece left for my supper! Now, White Wine; White Wine, white.. wine, white wine, white, ahaah. We have a Chilean Zinfandel, would that be OK?"

"Sounds delicious, I'm Bill,"

She had reappeared and stood slightly back listening to the two of them talking. Moving to the bar she shook hands with Ted and smiled,

"Ted, pleased to make your acquaintance, Greening was .."

"Thanks Ted. I'll settle this while you find a seat." he smiled at Bill.

Taking the wine and beer, Bill walked slowly across the bar towards a table with two chairs at it.

"Ok that's..."

Ted paused as the sound of glasses shattering disrupted the quiet atmosphere. Spinning round Josh saw Bill rubbing her shins as she surveyed the broken glass on the floor. Looking upset and on the verge of tears Bill looked at him, Josh's heart sank and he sprinted towards her, her knight in shining armour.

Unfortunately the chair leg that caught her shin caught his and at speed, hurtling him forward, he pitched into the air to somersault and land in heap at her feet, stopping just short of the mess made by the glasses.

"Fuck, that hurt," he sat up, then standing he felt the back of his head and his backside.

"Oh My God! I am so sorry!"

"What for? I'm the twat who fell over, are you OK?"

Ted ambled over with a mop, bucket and dustpan and brush, shaking his head, an unusual smile breaking out on his usually glum face.

"We don't usually have a cabaret on Fridays as the cost doesn't cover the takings, but Prof. me old mate that was an excellent turn. Can we do a regular booking?"

"Sod Off! I ought to sue you for Health and Safety issues."

"Bollocks! I ought to sue you for damage to the furniture and the mess on my floor."

"Right, well can we have the same again please landlord?"

"Certainly sir, shall I bring it over to you."

"It might be safer!"

Josh looked at Bill, she shrugged her shoulders and grinned.

"She's probably right," he said sitting down.

"No problem sir, I am here to serve," Ted settled the table in front of them then waddled back to the Bar with the bucket, mop, broom and brush, busying himself with the replacement drinks.

"So, now we know where we stand, or fall to be exact."

"Yes," she said grinning, "I'm impressed, I had no idea there was anyone else in my league."

"Oh! I've had a lot of practice, believe me, I can cock up for England."

"Shouldn't that be Britain?" her eyebrow hitched up a notch.

"Ahh, right, now, another piece of cultural information. If it goes right, Britain Triumphs! if it goes wrong, England loses again."

"Ahh, I see, and how about you Prof. how does this rate on your personal Richter scale."

"I would suggest that there are mitigating circumstances but this probably rates a three to four."

"Hmmm, as low as that, what are the mitigating circumstances?"

"You!"

"Me!"

"You! because you are truly amazingly beautiful and yet you are still here."

"Awww Prof. you're beautiful too."

"In a rugged manly way naturally."

"For sure."

"Thanks."

"Welcome."

"You see that's another thing, you Yanks are always so polite and confident; Have a Nice Day, Come Back Real Soon, Don't be a Stranger,You're Welcome, it's so corny but you make it seem so sincere."

"I guess it's how we're brought up, polite, respectful and resolute."

"Are you a card carrying Republican Church Goer?"

"No, one myth dispelled. I am a Democrat, and I am a Lutheran by birth and a no show by nature."

"You don't go to Church? on Sunday, with Mom and Pop, the Neighbors and the Priest who's a family friend?"

"No, guess I just lost some gloss huh?"

"No far from it, I like you better already."

Ted placed their drinks on the table and retreated. Josh picked his beer up and toasted,

"Cheers"

"Cheers,"

As he sipped he crossed his legs, and managed to kick the empty table, Bill smiled into her wine glass. He grinned.They sat contentedly and talked as they began to explore each others backgrounds. Suddenly the pub door swung back on its hinges and Issy roared in,

"Where the hell have you been? We've been looking all over for you, what the hell are you playing at young lady?"

"Hello Issy, I came for a quiet drink with a friend, care to join us?"

"Don't you smart mouth me Miss Wilhemina Maria Gates, I've changed your diapers too many times for you to act sassy with me."

"Ouch, good hit Sis., want to tell the Prof. how I peed my pants on Daddy's shoulders at the Zoo?"

"No! how old were you?"

"Nineteen!"

They dissolved into hysterics and Issy stood fuming above them.

"Sorry I lied, I was twenty two.."

They fell about as Issy felt the first twitch of a smile touch her down-turned lips.

"OK Ms. Funny-as-fuck, I hope you feel good about yourself, I am going home, ready."

"OK, OK, I'm coming, Josh it was a great experience, I hope we can do it again soon, well without the whole glasses disaster thing."

She pointed at the wet patch on the floor. Issy's eyebrows arched. Bill stood, bent forward and kissed him on the cheek then straightened and downed the wine. As she placed the glass on the table he stood awkwardly, pint in hand, legs still crossed and trapped his knee under the table. In attempting to stay upright and rescue the table and wine glass his own glass slipped out of his hand, they heard the crash tinkle sounds again.

"For Fucks sake Greening go home before I run out of glasses," Ted shouted across the bar, wringing his dishcloth theatrically.

Issy stared at Josh, then Bill, she paused then looked again at her younger sister and the glow on her face,

"Professor Greening, would you like to come back for supper?" Issy said.

"What, well, why that would be lovely, are you sure? I mean, what I can do in a bar is nothing to what a house offers!"

"I'm sure you'll be fine, won't he Issy?"

Bill put her arm through Josh's again and clung to him.

"It's only a light supper and I promise not to use the good crockery."

"Gosh thanks awfully, that would be brilliant."

Josh hugged Bill's arm and walked with her out the other exit to the car park, where Geoff sat in his car with an amused grin on his face. He opened the passenger door and leaned over.

"Hi Bill, you been breaking up the happy home?"

"Actually, it was Josh, he was really impressive."

Impulsively she kissed Josh's cheek, his face reddened, he gripped her arm tighter.

"Hi Professor, how's it going.?"

"Oh! fair to crap really. I win some, I lose a lot. you know how it is."

"Hah! sure do, now where's my wife?"

Issy walked out the bar and threw Bills handbag at her,

"You forgot your purse, did you have a coat?"

"I don't know, was I wearing one when we came out?"

"Oh for pity's sake can't you remember?"

"Yes, Yes I did, they took it when we went in and said it would go in the cloakroom, great word."

"I'll pick it up Monday," Issy said, hopping into the car next to Geoff and pulling her seat belt on. She closed the door with a smile and a wink at Geoff.

"Oh! OK! err, come on Josh get in!"

Josh opened the door and helped Bill in, then ran round and opened his door. He slid in then showed Bill how hard it could be to get into a seat belt but finally managed to strap himself in. Geoff eased away from the curb grinning and they drove home, Issy had a smile on her face too.

"Come on in and make yourself at home."

Geoff opened the door and stood back, Issy swept in, followed hesitantly by Josh then Bill. Geoff came in and pushed the door shut.

"Beer Josh?" he asked and on the nod went off to the kitchen. They wandered into the lounge, where Issy sat with a frown on her face.

"How come you two high tailed it so quickly?" she demanded.

"Avoiding another Mutually Assured Disaster," said Josh, Bill giggled.

"I'm sorry, what did you say?"

"He said we have a shared history of cosmic blunders, we are the Ying and Yang of the Fuck Up universe."

"we are intertwined in a heavenly, nay in a divine strand of cosmic chemistry, all of which leads to disaster."

"Are you two drunk?"

"Only on life dear lady, only on life."

They talked together, running into each others sentences as they walked Issy through the afternoon and evening.

"Well anyway, welcome to our home, restroom along the hall and there's another upstairs. I hope Geoff's organising drinks." Issy sat back in her chair with a smile on her face.

"Certainly am my beloved, here we go, a G and T for you, Bill a glass of indifferent, but chilled Chardonnay and a pint for me and the prof. Bung ho!"

"OK, well we'll have supper organised shortly, but Professor Greening, tell us a little about yourself?"

"Ohhh! is this turning into an job interview? Well, hmm. I'm thirty six, unmarried or unmarryable, whatever the correct term is. I have two older and smarter brothers, Ian and Mark; Ian's a Professor Emeritus at Oxford his field is Architectural History, and Mark is a microbiologist, working for a large multinational. I also have an Older sister Betsy, that's Elizabeth, who is a Junior Cabinet Minister and is in charge of DEFRA. She is the family genius, trust me, double first, smart cookie"

Issy smiled, Geoff grinned, Bill gawped.

"A family of genius's,"

"Yes and me. Oh! and Mum's the Head Teacher at a private school, Dad runs a Government Think Tank on Education."

"Wow, I'm impressed,"

"Don't be we're pretty down to earth. Naturally we have a large and ancient country pile with servants, a townhouse and a helicopter."

"Truly?"

"Well yes, except for the ancient Pile, Townhouse, servants and Helicopter. Although we do have a place in Cornwall, but it's just a cottage, but we all try to get there for at least two weeks in August. It's where we play catch up and relax as a family. The family's expanded obviously, there are nieces and nephews and a brother in law and two sister in laws, but we all go."