The Cock & Ass Tavern

This isn't really any great work of literature, but it's deliberately written in a very crude, rude style.

*****

The Cock & Ass tavern was undeniably the most popular pub in the valley. Everyone for miles around, old and young, would gather there every night to unwind from a tiring day in good company. Well, not exactly everyone. This pub was really only frequented by the men in the valley, and the reason the public house was so popular with them was also the reason women tended to steer clear - the landlady, Erica.

It was 8pm on a typical Friday night at the Cock & Ass, the bar was reasonably quiet, just the regulars propping up the bar. It didn't start filling out until around 9pm usually. Erica tended to call time fairly early, around half past ten most evenings, so the punters liked to make sure they all got in for the infamous lock-ins.

Erica was busy behind the bar, pulling pints and chatting to the customers. She was what you would term a curvaceous lady in her late fourties, well-endowed with a pair of huge boobs and a sizable arse to match. She had short, curly blonde hair and full lips that were accentuated by the rather crass shade of lipstick she tended to wear. She dressed simply for work, a pair of black leggings and a modestly cut top, but when she bent over behind the bar there was still plenty on show to entertain the drinkers.

As she finished pouring a pint for Charlie, the old gent that took up the same stool every evening at the bar, Erica looked up at the clock on the wall. It was getting on for quarter to nine, and it was about time to start getting the lads at the bar ready.

"Shall I put out some literature for you boys then?" enquired Erica, giving one of her trademark dirty smiles and looking around the bar. Her enquiry was met with moderate enthusiasm, and she stepped out behind the bar and went across to the cupboard underneath the stairs by the gents toilets. She rummaged around for a bit, then finally came up with a stack of magazines, some brand new and some very well thumbed indeed.

"As you know, they ain't all in English, but the good'uns all come from the continent. Still, it's not really the words you gentlemen are much interested in anyway, is it?"

As she circled around the bar, she began to pop magazines down on the empty tables, then began moving towards the customers at the bar.

"Now then Clive." Erica said, addressing a dark-haired gentleman in the corner, "It's the big titty mags you like as far as I remember." She placed a copy of a magazine called Marvelous Melons in front of Clive, which he eagerly picked up and began to flick through.

"Got a copy of Scottish Slags here for you Paul, and a nice arse one for you Bill, there you go." said Erica, distributing the smut among the clientele. "Got your big ladies mag here for you angel, just the way you like 'em darlin'. Oh, and Charlie, I've got this new one from Germany for you, lots of lovely spunk-shooting in this one."

Erica finished the rounds and stood back behind the bar, looking out at the punters eagerly reading the porno magazines she had just handed out and noting the bulges already beginning to grow in their trousers.

"Now, drink up boys and have a good old perv, you know you want to. Give those trouser snakes a good shaking if you fancy it, but remember not to start emptying your balls until I say so. It's my pub lads, and they're my rules." Erica looked happily around the bar as the men continued to read, some of them idly unzipping their flies and pulling out their stiffening shlongs.

Before long, the gentle background murmurings of the punters talking were mixed with the sound of magazine pages being flicked and foreskins being jerked back and forth. Erica leaned on the bar, closed her eyes and just listened for a little while, smiling a dirty little smile. The room was beginning to fill with the familiar, musty smell of cock too, and she drew a deep breath in through her nose. Everyone knew that Erica loved Friday nights.

Noticing that Charlie's pint glass was empty, discarded while he merrily whacked off to his mag, she picked it up and began to pull him a fresh pint. As the cool bitter poured into the glass, she leaned over the bar and got a good eyeful of Charlie's prick as he slowly fucked his fist to the jizz-soaked girls in the magazine. It must have been a fair while since his last wank judging from his swollen balls and the already plentiful load of precum that was oozing out of his bell-end and all over his shaft, hand and the bar stool beneath him.

"Looks like you've been saving up a nice load for me Charlie." Erica said, giving him a cheeky little wink.

"Take a leaf out of Charlie's book boys, I like a nice wet willy, really leaves an impression on my face when I get a good cock-slapping. And you all know I love a good cock-slapping, right?" The bar patrons all agreed eagerly, beginning to warm up to the evenings events.

More locals were beginning to filter in now and take up seats around the pub, greeting Erica and ordering pints up at the bar. Some sat and talked, some read the magazines and pulled on their pricks. The Stevenson twins, a skinny pair of 18 year old farm-lads came in through the door and took up their favorite spot by the fire, flicking through the magazine left there together. Before long, the pub was full of men drinking, laughing and tossing off, with Erica at the heart of it all, her lust-glazed eyes flicking about the room.

As ten 'o clock rang in, Erica called last orders at the bar. As was traditional, she did this by peeling off her top and letting her heavy tits flop free, eliciting a cheer from the crowded room. A couple of the boys reciprocated by pulling down their trousers and stripping off their pants, letting their boners spring free. As usual, a couple of the more boisterous men (Erica's favorites) balled up their pants and flung them at her behind the bar, causing laughter to burst out among the other punters. A pair caught Erica square in the face and hung off her nose.

"I'll tell you what gentlemen, there's some fine-smelling cock in tonight if I'm any judge." said Erica.

"Thanks m'dear." responded Clive, who had thrown the garments, "been working hard all day and not given me nuts a scrub so they're nice and sweaty for you, just the way you like 'em."

"Indeed it is." replied Erica, emerging from behind the bar and sidling up to Clive, " You mind if I try them for myself?"

Without waiting for a response, she sank to her knees in front of the bar stool where Clive was sat, naked with his cock and balls hanging over the edge of the seat. She knelt in and buried her nose deep into his nut-sack, letting his dick dangle down the side of her face. She sniffed deeply again and again, groaning each time. A crowd was beginning to form around the dirty little scene, as Erica continued to inhale Clive's sweaty bollocks. As she did so, his dong began to stiffen and press into her face, demanding her attention. She pulled back her head and, taking his semi-hard dick in her fingertips, pulled the foreskin back from the head just far enough to let her stick her nose into the tip. She sniffed deeply again.

"Oh my god, Clive. That is a cock aged to perfection." said Erica, taking another deep sniff. "I can't wait to give it a taste. In fact, no, I really can't wait." This said, she stood up directly, strode behind the bar, rang the bell and pulled down her leggings and underwear.

"Time gentlemen please!"

No sooner was this said, than she was bodily dragged across the bar by a huddle of men, who promptly pushed her to her knees in the center of them and dangled their cocks invitingly in front of her face. Erica eagerly took a knob in each hand and engulfed the head of a third with her mouth, groaning as she did so. She sucked more of the shaft into her mouth and furiously jerked the two dicks either side of her, then spat the member out and began to tug on it rapidly while she slicked up one of the other cocks by swallowing it balls-deep. She went round the circle this way, swallowing and jerking and spitting upon every fat shlong that was dangled in front of her.

After a couple of minutes bobbing back and forth between the mighty rods surrounding her, she finally pulled her mouth off the meat-stick currently buried in her face, making a sloppy popping sound.

"Boys boys boys, your cocks taste great tonight." Erica said, crawling out of the circle on her knees. "But you all know that I always like to make sure Charlie is taken care of first." Erica knelt in front of Charlie's stool, his slick cock dribbling precum tantalizingly in front of her face.

"Now then, old man, how about you give me a good old thump with that fat, wet wang of yours." Erica said with eager anticipation in her voice. Without a second's hesitation, Charlie grabbed his tool by the root and slapped Erica across the nose with it, leaving a trail of precum across her face. He smacked her across the chops with his prick several times, Erica smiling and laughing all the while, then pulled back his foreskin and proceeded to rub his well-lubed dickhead hard over her top lip, giving her a moustache of cock-slime. He continued to rub and smack her over the cheeks, under the chin, behind the ears and across the forehead, until he had brought colour to her cheeks and glazed her all over.

"Mmm, that's better. My face smells a bit more cock-ie now." giggled Erica, spitting on her hand and beginning to rub Charlie's prick with fervor.

"Now how about you give these udders of mine a little bit of cream." She jerked him hard and fast, angling his cock down towards her boobs. She used her free hand to lift them up and together, so that the tip of Charlie's prick was aimed directly at her cleavage. Before long, she was squeezing thick ropes of ball-batter out onto her milky tits, coating both of them liberally and leaving the lion's share to drip down into her cleavage.

With Charlie's dick spent, Erica let it go to slap against the side of his leg and took a breast in each hand, lifting them up for inspection by the crowd.

"Anyone up for a well-lubed tit-wank?" Erica proffered with a kinky wink. A young man pushed his way through the crowd and bent his knees to bring his throbbing boner within inches of her jizz-soaked tits. Erica wrapped her slippery knockers around his cock and began to stroke it hard, sending an initial shower of spunk flying up into her face. Soon, the boy had grabbed a tit in each hand and was thrusting his cock between them with full-force, as Erica used her arms to squeeze her cleavage even tighter and pursed her lips to receive the very tip of his bell-end on each up thrust.

She felt a hand on her shoulder and quickly realized there was an inpatient prick waiting to be serviced just above her head. Craning her head back, she saw a huge, erect penis hanging just above her face, and before she could work out what to do with it, the owner grabbed her by the head and threaded the cock down her throat. He pushed all the way down her accommodating gullet until he bottomed out, grinding his balls hard into her nose, then rapidly withdrew until the tip was almost back in her mouth before repeating the action, harder and faster. It was just the sort of face-fucking that Erica loved, and she happily opened her throat as the spit frothed up around the base of his dong. Both the tit-humper and skull-fucker were pounding away eagerly now, perfectly in sync with one another, as two more men stepped forward and grabbed one of Erica's hands each and wrapped them around their dicks. If not for her empty twat and arse, this would have been the perfect position for Erica. Still, the night was young...

With one final, hard thrust, the man in her mouth plunged his prick as far as he could down her throat, and Erica felt the balls crushed into her nose tense as he shot a giant load directly into her stomach, letting out a loud groan as he did so. This set the young man between her breasts off, who began to spray mighty ropes of cum of his own high into the air, landing back on her tits, neck and chin. Giving one final squeeze of the tip of his cock to generously donate his remaining cum to Erica's now well-plastered baps, he stepped back, just as his companion removed his softening member from deep within Erica's throat. She drew a long, deep breath, then began to stand up, giddy and giggling.

Still addled from the barrage of cock she had just enjoyed, Erica stumbled across to the fireplace and took a swig of the pint the man in the corner, who had been enjoying the show from a distance. As she guzzled down the ale, the man grabbed Erica by her sizable hips and sat her down on his shaft, her sopping fanny gladly accepting his girth in one, fluid movement. Erica wrapped her arms around the man's back and, still swigging from the pint, rode him hard. The pace she kept was relentless, the sound of her mighty rump slapping off his thighs ringing through the pub as the other customer's cheered her on. Her pussy milked the prick for all it was worth; she wasn't interested in taking it slow or making it last, she had a lot of cocks to satisfy her and she wanted it fast, dirty and messy. Before too long, her cunt was flooded with semen as the man released himself inside her.

Uncoupling herself from her spent lover, Erica gave a wink to the two naked Stevenson twins sat across from her, stroking their long, hard knobs.

"Do you want to come and suck on this before I stick it up your arse?" one of them asked, angling his cock towards her.

"I'd rather suck on it afterwards." Erica replied, walking towards the boys, eying up there precum slick shafts. "Besides, it looks like you've got them wet enough already, you boys know I like a bit of friction after all." She walked around the table in front of them and, bending low and sticking her hind-quarters up in their faces, she leaned over the table, smiling at the crowd watching her.

She felt a hand grab one of her checks and pull it away from it's fleshy sister, exposing her dark-brown butthole. The slippery head of a throbbing phallus rubbed against the entrance to her colon, coating it with cock-juice. A quick application of pressure later, and the head had sunk into her bottom, and a moment after that the thick prick was sinking deeper and deeper into her anus. No messing around here, teasing it in and out, the boy meant to go balls deep on his first thrust.

"Ooh yes, that's right m'boy, force it all in, all the way down my shitter!" Erica growled through gritted teeth as she forced her anus to relax and accept the invading cock. The lad withdrew from her arse completely, then aimed his stiffy at her rosebud and skewered it again, hard and fast. He repeated this for a few strokes, before grabbing Erica by the hips and starting the task of giving her a nice, hard sodomising. He pounded away at her rear for several minutes, as his brother cheered on encouragement and gave Erica's bottom the occasional slap.

"Now then," Erica said between ragged breaths, "how about you pull your thing out and bring it round here for Erica." Pounding down to the hilt one last time and withdrawing from Erica's abused bottom, the boy walked round the table to present her with his penis. Erica grabbed the lad by the nutsack and pulled the base of his pecker underneath her nostrils, inhaling deeply as she ran her nose up the shaft to the tip and back down again.

"The only smell that turns me on more than cock," explained Erica, "is a cock that's been buried deep in my backside." This elicited a cheer from the crowd, and a couple of calls for her to "swallow it!" and "lick his knob!"

"Gladly." she said, and promptly popped the end of the young man's prick into her mouth, sucking loudly and pulling the foreskin back over the head in the process. When she felt she had savored the taste of her own arse on the head quite enough, she inched the rest of his length in and down her throat, making satisfied noises all the while and sampling the mixture of his and her flavours all the way down the underside of his cock to the base.

Unable to control himself, the over-excited young man pulled his wang out of Erica's throat unceremoniously and, holding the tip of his penis tightly, quickly stepped around behind her once again, plunging his manhood back into her gaping turd-cutter. He pounded away furiously for a few seconds then, roaring violently, sprayed his cock-snot deep into Erica's warm arsehole.

He very slowly pulled out of her until only his head remained inside, then squeezed the last few remaining drops of jizm into her butt with his hand. He then quickly removed the head and squeezed her buttocks tight together so no cum had time to escape.

"What are you two naughty boys doing back there?" asked Erica, craning round to look. One of the lads was stepping in to take his brother's place, squeezing Erica's arse-cheeks together with the thumb and fingers of one hand as he aimed his cock at her hidden hole.

"Have you lads been drawing lots on who got to hump my rump first?" Erica asked. The first brother stepped around in front of Erica, nodding.

"Did you win then?" she asked.

"Nope," the boy replied, "he did."

The second brother thrust his boner deep into Erica's spunk-flooded shitter, forcing his sibling's jizz to squirt out around the edges of Erica's anus and coat the base of his dick and balls. He let out a sigh of joyous release, then pulled Erica by the hips to straighten her up and began pounding away hard. The feeling of his stiff shaft plugging her already full bowels was incredible, and Erica met every thrust as hard as she could, driving her bottom savagely against the young man's body. He pulled her up by the hips until she was standing then, pulling her from behind the table, he walked her to the center of the bar, still banging away at her butt the whole time. He angled his pounding to drive Erica to her knees as the other patrons cheered him on, then, he drove all his weight into her and sent her sprawling to the floor with his prick still stuck deep inside her bottom.

He adjusted himself so he could get decent leverage then, with both hands on Erica's shoulders, proceeded to give her a one of the hardest arse-fuckings she had ever experienced.

'Oh boys, this is amazing,' Erica screamed, 'now somebody get over here and shove a cock in my mouth!' A gentleman stepped in to quickly oblige, crouching on one leg and carefully aiming his cock at Erica's waiting mouth. She was pinned down so hard by her butt-fucking companion that she couldn't move her head at all, so her new friend had to thrust his dick in and out of her gaping mouth, stopping occasionally to hit her across the side of the face with his meat-mallet.

"Go on, blow your load in my pooper just like your naughty little brother did." Erica screamed in encouragement as she received another messy cock-slapping. This dirty-talking pushed both the men currently enjoying Erica's body over the edge, and as the prick beating a rhythm on her face started to spew forth a torrent of cum, Erica felt her already well-fertilised back passage flooded with another massive load of sperm.

As the exhausted Stevenson brother finally rocked back onto his knees, Erica's bum gave up his dick with a loud plopping sound and the double-load cocktail began to ooze out of her arsehole. She lay on the floor breathing heavily, exhausted, sweaty and covered in cum. For a moment, it looked as though she was done for the evening.

"One world boys. Airtight."

On hearing this, the crowd cheered loudly, and a space in the middle of the floor was cleared. Erica sat up onto her knees and waited patiently as a man lay down on the floor, his boner pointing at the ceiling. Once settled, she lowered herself onto his pole and rocked forward, presenting her gaping anus to the rest of the room. Clive spat into his hand, rubbing it into his bell-end and starting to move around behind Erica.