The Conner Family Ch. 09

The woman lay naked in bed with a naked man.

The man breathed the long slow breath of someone who was fast asleep.

She however was wide awake. And her thoughts were racing. She sighed into the semi-darkness, She so hated nights like this when she could not get her mind and thoughts to calm down so she could more easily fall asleep. Such nights always seemed to drag on forever.

In the Christmas lights still blinked in the bedroom window. And would for another couple of weeks. Their families always kept the Christmas Tree, decorations and lights up and on through much of the month of January. Or until the tree dried up.

Her thoughts returned again to who she once was and the memories of her past filled her mind.

She was, she knew, a well decorated and former US Navy fighter pilot and she had accomplished much at the early age of forty-two years. She had graduated from High School with Honors, was accepted and attended Annapolis. While there she learned to fly airplanes. And she graduated in the top percentage of her class.

She then went on to the Navy's Flight School to learn to fly the Navy's latest fighter jets. And she became a trained combat fighter pilot. And through her long years of service, had advanced to the rank of Captain. She had the duties and responsibilities of being in command of a squadron of four fighter crews aboard a nuclear powered aircraft carrier. She had flown hundreds of missions in combat. And once, during a routine flight, flying a routine air cover mission about the fleet, she and her wing man had even been involved in an actual aerial dog fight while protecting the fleet. And she had taken down three out of the four attacking enemy jets while her wing man took out the other. And she had joined the small elite group of female fighter pilots who had actually engaged an enemy aircraft in combat.

But now – this night – she lay naked in bed and was far removed from the Navy. She was cuddled up with her best friend. A man whom she had known all of her life.

Beside her, her life long friend slept on.

But she, unlike him, was finding sleep elusive. She was still wide awake.

And he slept on. And he had been asleep for some time.

This was not her bedroom. At least not the one she had come home to. Or where she grew up in. This was his bedroom, at his house, across town from hers. But – once she had returned home from Florida, she discovered that she was lost without him. He had been with her in Florida for months taking care of her after the accident as she slowly healed. Then – her parents came down and he had returned home.

Then a month later, after the inquiry and the investigation on the accident, she had been cleared of any wrong doing. And commended on her actions. She then had accepted a medical discharge, as she would not be flying again, nor would be allowed to serve aboard any ship again. She would have been a grounded Navy Fighter Pilot stuck flying a desk. After she had accepted her Medical Discharge all she wanted was to return home. To be with him.

Or at least – this time – just closer to him. As she had been when they were growing up. Not deployed half a world away.

Tomorrow, she sighed. Tomorrow was going to come too soon. Then she would be – they would be, she corrected herself, returning to Florida. To visit the Naval Bases' Elementary School. The same school she had steered her falling jet over and away from. Risking her life in doing so – to save those on the ground. To save the children. From a horrible disaster that she could have caused if she had simply ejected and then let her unpowered and unguided jet had then been allowed to just drop from the sky.

Another pilot might have elected to eject, some had in the past, and let their crippled fighter fall to earth to crash into whatever it might hit. Perhaps a home or an office building. An apartment complex. Or as happened recently during a military air show – have a fighter crash into a crowd of spectators. But in her case, it would have been the base's elementary school packed with children attending their morning classes.

She took another deep breath. Steering her thoughts away from the horror she could have caused.

Growing up she, and all the children in her extended family, had been taught that they were responsible for their actions. And she chose not to be responsible for any deaths or injuries even if it meant her own death. It was how she grew up. Accepting responsibility for her actions and the consequences. It was how she lived her life. And if necessary – that would be how she would die.

And she had nearly died when caught by the fire of the burning fuel and the explosion of one the bombs she was carrying after she had ejected at the last moment. But no one else was injured. And that was the one bright spot of her 'event' as the Review Board had called it.

Again she took a deep breath and sighed into the night.

Then the time passed while she slowly recovered from her many injuries. With the man who slept beside her taking care of her, tending to her needs. Then some months later, just before Christmas, she returned home. Medically Discharged, with her planned future in the Navy taken from her.

Her thoughts jumped quickly forward.

Then the following January, just a couple of weeks ago, earlier this month, she had received the letter from the School's Principle. She had been formally invited down to Florida, to allow the children, their parents and teachers the chance to thank her.

She was reluctant at first to go. But Ken, the man sleeping beside her, the one single person she trusted the most and loved dearly, someone she had known forever, had convinced her to go. As he had stated: 'To allow those she had risked everything and sacrificed so much for the chance to say thank you.'

She smirked to herself. Two days later she had received a formal letter of request from the Navy Base's Commander 'To please appear at her convenience.'

She should have been pleased she thought. But she had always been reluctant to accept rewards and commendations when she did not think she deserved them when she was 'just doing her duty.' She had always tried to avoid the spotlight – even when she excelled in what she did. But, as her father had told her, as part of her duty, it was the right thing to do. To allow others, particularity those affected by what she had done. To acknowledge their Heroes and the give them the opportunity to thank them for their duty and actions and sacrifices.

She again sighed tiredly into the night. Watching the changing colors of the Christmas lights on the ceiling.

But her mind would not quiet down. Her racing thoughts would not stop. And her thoughts kept shifting through her memories. Her accomplishments. Her failures. Her desires. And the fears she now had. And of the love and support her family gave her. And of the man – her life long best friend who laid beside her.

She took a deep breath as she looked across the room that was lit by a small night light, for her benefit. And there was the soft glow of the blinking Christmas Lights in the window.

Her thoughts again returned to their circling.

This was not her bedroom. At least not the one she had come home to. This was his bedroom, at his house, across town from hers. But – once she had returned from Florida, she was lost without him. He had been in Florida for months taking care of her after the accident. And she had gotten so use to him always being there. And with him being in the bed with her for it was the only way she felt safe. With him there. Then – her parents came down and he had returned home. And soon her parents had also returned home. And for some time she was alone. Waiting for the Navy to come to their decision about her.

It was, she remembered, a long and lonely time.

The frequent phone calls home to the man now beside her, helped her so much to get through those long empty days. She had nothing to do to fill her time, as she was still on Medical Leave. All she had was her now empty quarters. They had been so empty without him there.

Her squadron Commander even made sure she had a driver and car available to take her wherever she wished to go. And the driver even helped her do her shopping. And even take her to the Officers Mess.

And after the formal inquiry on her accident and the long investigation, she had been cleared and had reluctantly accepted a medical discharge, as she would not be flying again, nor even be allowed to serve aboard any ship again. She was permanently grounded. Then she would have been a permanently – land locked – Sailor.

After she accepted her Medical Discharge all she wanted was to return home. To be with him. All through her life he was never far away. And when she was deployed he always stayed in touch no matter where she was stationed and for however long her deployment was.

Aboard the aircraft carrier there was always access to the internet and email. And of course there were the many handwritten letters they had sent the other.

She smiled. When they were both deployed – he in the Army stationed in Germany – she aboard an aircraft carrier that visited a port in Italy. He met her dock side. And they did some touring together.

Again her thoughts shifted to their returning to Florida.

Tomorrow, she sighed. Tomorrow was going to come too soon. Then she would be – they would be, with their parents and most of the family, returning to Florida. To visit the Naval Bases' Elementary School. The same school she had steered her falling jet away from. Risking her life in doing so – to save those on the ground. To save the children. To do her duty – to serve and protect.

She sighed. She did not want to go. She hated rewards.

She had always wanted to just do the right thing.

Again she sighed. Just like her very best friend had always done. As their parents had taught them to do. To be responsible for your actions. To do what was right.

Again she sighed into the semi-darkness. Knowing she should get some sleep.

But her mind would not quiet down. Her racing thoughts would not stop. And she kept shifting through her memories. Her accomplishments. Her failures. Her desires. And now the fears she still had.

She was lost in her memories. Thinking about her worries she had about her future. Since the accident she had spent much of her time searching for solutions to her fears. And what she was ever going to do in the time now before her.

Her future in the Navy was gone. Lost due to her numerous and serious injuries. Yes, she told herself, she could have stayed in. But – sitting at a land locked desk was not what she was trained for. Not what she wanted to do.

Then again she remembered waking into darkness. The complete and utter darkness. Then there were the hushed voices of the medical staff, none of whom spoke to her. It was if she was not there. She was lost. And so afraid. Then – . She once again sighed in her relief. Then someone took her right hand and held it.

Then the one voice she knew so well spoke to her. Her best friend Ken. Telling her he was there. It was the one, single, welcomed voice that always got her full attention. And she, lost in the darkness, in pain, unable to move, unable to speak – sighed with relief.

He was there!

She had felt him squeeze her right hand and she held on tightly. Squeezing his hand to let him know she was there and awake.

Ken then stayed bed side and would softly talk to her. Helping to fill the long hours of darkness.

Then she would squeeze his hand, she remembered once for yes or two for no to answer his questions. Then as her strength returned she squeezed his hand in Morse Code. She could then 'talk' to him.

Then slowly she learned what had happened to her. She learned about her injuries.

Her parents came down for about a week then they returned home. But Ken remained behind.

Eventually she was well enough to return to her quarters, as long as she had someone to stay with her.

And Ken was always there through the long slow months it took for her heal.

Three months later her parents had returned and Ken went home while her parents stayed on. Then they too had returned home.

Those days were hard. Being alone. But he was always just a phone call away.

Then – in time – after the inquiry – she was medically discharged and she had returned home two days before Christmas.

Her best friend, sleeping beside her, had always saw past her faults. Her fears. And now the numerous scars, the burns and her other injuries.

She took a deep breath and slowly exhaled into the too quiet night.

Again her thoughts circled back.

He had been there when she awoke in the hospital the same day as her accident.

Now, today, she could not fall asleep. Her mind was running in what she had once called her 'combat mode.' It was when she was focused and thought through everything she ever did, searching for flaws in battle plans and best way to accomplish the mission. The long exacting steps doing the pre-flight on her fighter before a mission.

He, the man beside her, then stayed with her through the long months it took for her injuries to heal and for her to recover.

Her thoughts drifted to another failure, the few months of her disaster of a marriage.

Her ex-husband, she later learned, had not loved her, with her just being the prized 'trophy wife' she later discovered. He hated the Navy. He hated her for doing her duty. And hated that she was not at his side and faithfully playing her part as the perfect trophy wife for him to display at functions and meetings. And he had left her during her first deployment.

After a while she could not believe that she had not realized the type of – 'individual' – that man was.

She snorted. Her ex-husband got a surprise when her cousin Pam, a lawyer, had taken him to court and got a hefty settlement for her. And Pam had the court slap a hefty penalty on his estate if he ever spoke ill about her.

Which her ex did once. And Pam had him back before a Judge.

But Ken, her best friend was always there for her. All through her life – he was always there. And he was there through the months it took for her recovery.

And 'that man' she had married – she never heard from him again. Another stipulation laid down by the court.

Then she was medically discharged and she had returned home two days before Christmas.

Her best friend, sleeping beside her, had always been proud of her and her Service. Always saw past her faults. Her fears. And now – the scars and injuries. And the other permanent damage done to her body.

She took another deep breath and slowly exhaled into the too quiet night.

Her thoughts once again circled back.

He had been there when she awoke in the hospital the day after her accident.

Now, she could not fall asleep.

He, the man beside her, then stayed with her through the long slow months it took for her recovery.

Her ex-husband hated the Navy. But he relished the prestige it brought him. And he had left her during her first deployment. She chose to do her duty rather than cater to her shallow minded husband's ambitions. And to her being just his flashy trophy wife.

But her best friend was always there for her.

And not once, she remembered, had he ever taken advantage of her.

Like when he had been stationed in Germany and had met her dock side in Italy when her ship made port during her first deployment. She had, at his request, got two weeks of liberty. And he had taken her on a quick guided tour of Italy and Germany. And they stayed in the same room and bed.

And not once, had he suggested anything, she remembered. Her life long friend was a perfect gentleman. Even when they shared the same hotel room and often slept together in the same bed. And often they had cuddled up together. Like they had as children. When the other was always there.

She sighed remembering those good times.

Then her thoughts again shifted.

Back when she was on active duty, she was always focused on every detail of the mission briefing. Then the time getting suited and geared up while making sure neither she nor Alice, forgot anything. Then she and Sweet, her long time rear seat weapons officer, or RIO, would be doing the pre-flight inspection of their fighter out on the busy, very noisy, dangerous and chaotic yet carefully orchestrated flight deck. Then their prepping in the fighter getting ready to launch.

There was the extreme rush of a catapult launch followed by the long, quiet hours that would require their full attention on the mission itself of lining up for what ever the mission required. Afterwards there was the long return flight back to the carrier's new position in a vast and empty sea. Sometimes doing a mission at night. Then came the very dangerous, highly focused, full speed approach and hard landing back aboard the carrier's flight deck.

Then – then she had finally returned home – medically discharged. With her future empty.

Then, memory told her, there was always the required mission debriefing after every mission. And then her own reporting on how the others in her squad had done during the mission.

Only then she would get something to eat and return to the semi-quiet that was her own single quarters.

Only then could she relax.

Only that was the past she told herself sternly.

She now, like then, took a deep slow breath, trying to relax her mind. But, she remembered there were always reports to write up. And like then, when sitting in her quarters aboard ship, she would think of her best friend.

Often she would reread his last letter for the umpteenth time. And when deployed, she never had to wait more than a few days before another letter from him would arrive.

And tonight, as she was trying to fall asleep, she found she was unable to get her thoughts away from her past missions. The many deployments. The long endless months away from home. As her thoughts had, yet again, returned to her last flight. That last training flight. The one that had ended with the multiple bird strikes and the failure of both of the engines on her fighter. And of her now powerless jet dropping steadily down as it glided over the crowded Navy base.

She vividly remembered that she had ordered Alice Sweet, her Weapons Officer, in the rear seat to eject. Then she flew on. Alone in her unpowered fighter looking – searching for a place to put the jet down in a safe area. Away from the homes, office buildings and businesses and the base's elementary school.

She remembered that if she had to she would have flown her F18 into the ground to avoid hitting any of the numerous buildings on the base. To avoid hurting or killing anyone on the ground.

Briefly she remembered her decision that she would do her duty. To protect those she served. And no matter the cost.

And then came those harsh and fearful memories of her injuries as she ejected at the last moment. And her being caught in the blast of exploding ordnance and the fireball from the burning fuel. And her thinking that she would not survive.

She still had nightmares about it. Waking into the night. With Ken holding her safe.

Or she had nights like this, when she was lost in the memories. Those were worse when she would lay awake and remember every detail of her last flight. And always second guessing everyone of her decisions and actions. And always reaching the same conclusion. Or ending up in a nightmare of her crashing into an occupied office building, a home – or – hitting the crowded school.

She had done what she had been trained to do. What she had been taught growing up. And took full responsibility to serve and protect.

And then there were the nights with her waking up to darkness of her nightmares and to her crying out into the night.