The Contract Ch. 05

The look she gave me was one of those hard and intimidating ones that some women can pull off quite well. Susan had it down pat. I was actually a bit nervous at that point wondering what she was capable of.

"Look, you don't know the whole story obviously."

"Yes I do. I got it out of Sam a while back. Your wife, Becky, hired her to have you fall in love with her. Becky was afraid that you were going to do something stupid after she passed, and she wanted to ensure that you lived a happy and full life after she was gone. She had a life insurance policy you didn't know about, and Sam was to get the proceeds of that upon completion of a certain time period. Paid in four even installments. Sam had gotten the first installment the day before the funeral."

"So. What do you expect me to do then? I won't go running to her and forgive her. She did it all for the money and I can't believe that she ever truly loved me. Besides, I'm not so sure she'd talk to me now anyway. After the way we parted, I don't think she would have anything good to say to me, if she would see me even."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

Her question seemed off to me. I wasn't sure what she wanted to know.

"Why can't you see yourself in love with Sam? She's a great person, beautiful, sexy, loving, and intelligent. She would make the perfect spouse...better half for any man. Why can you bring yourself to love her and accept her as she is? She is honest...no matter what you may think. Ask yourself why Becky chose Sam in the end? Ask yourself why Becky ended up loving Sam like a sister? Sam has great qualities. You...on the other hand..."

"It always comes back to me doesn't it? My daughter said the same thing. I've disappointed her it seems. Why dad won't live happily ever after with the prostitute is beyond her too. My sons also as a matter of fact. Seems that everyone in the world that knows me anyway, thinks that I'm an asshole."

"If the shoe fits..."

"She lied to me."

"Your wife lied to you...your wife set up the whole deal. Sam told me she wanted to tell you a million times...even before you two started having sex. Becky talked her out of it every single time."

"I should believe the words of a liar?"

"I'm not a liar John. Sam told me all about it each time she tried to tell you. She'd come over to my place troubled about it and we'd talk. She is my friend. She was very troubled about the whole idea of how she was brought into your life. Becky told her that she hoped you could forgive her if you ever found out the truth. Obviously, your wife put far more faith in you than was deserved."

"Leave my wife out of this."

"Your wife is the reason you met Sam to begin with. YOU are the reason she's shacked up like a hermit...I think that she's not eating right...not looking good...matter of fact, if I don't miss my guess, I think she's trying to starve herself to death. Over some worthless ass like you."

There it was again. Getting called a worthless ass was getting old to me. I had to ask myself though...was I acting like that? Hearing that she was starving herself to death struck me to the core. Suddenly I realized that if I lost her, I would have nobody left in the world. That thought hit home harder than I liked. It was at that point that I realized that I still loved her.

"I see that you didn't argue with me this time."

"What?"

"You didn't argue that you weren't a worthless asshole. Must have done some thinking so far then huh?"

"Where can I find her?"

"Why?"

"Look lady, you came to me. You wanted me to go to her and talk to her. No you're not going to tell me?"

"I'm not so sure I want you to know where she lives now...I'm not sure I want you talking to her. If you have some idea of hurting her more than you already have I won't be a part of it. On the other hand, if you have come to some kind of realization that you do still love her and want to try to fix things between you..."

"Where'd you get the idea that I came to some kind of realization the I'd still love her?"

"God...men are so stupid at times. It's written all over your face. You've been fighting it ever since you found out...like you can't or shouldn't be in love with an escort. She's a person too. A real, live, blood and spirit woman who can and does love you, in spite of yourself."

"Where does she live...please. Look...I have acted...poorly. It's just everything that happened, and how it all happened...hit me hard...too sudden."

She looked at me hard for a bit...then reluctantly gave me Samantha's address.

"If you hurt her...believe me buster...I know some people who owe me big time...you'll get to the other side in a long and painful way...just so you know. I'm serious about that too."

I could see she was. I had a chill go through me as she spoke. She was deadly serious. Of course, I didn't know where this was all going...but I felt I needed to talk to Samantha and try to see where we stood with each other now.

If you are asking...yes...I still loved her. In spite of everything, I had found that I couldn't get her out of my mind...or my heart. I had been sleepless night after night dreaming of her. When I wasn't thinking of Becky I was thinking of her. I had been torturing myself for months now. It was time to fix things right.

Susan had given me Sam's phone number. As she left she hugged me tight.

"You could overcome this worthless asshole stuff you know. I think that once you figure out how to accept Sam you'll do just fine. Just don't hurt her...I meant what I said a bit ago."

"I saw that in your eyes. I won't hurt her intentionally. I'm not sure what she'll think of me now though."

"Give her time. Go easy and take your time. Be honest above all. Don't hold back on your feelings or how you feel."

"You know how I feel then?"

"John I told you...it's written all over your face. Face it buddy...you love her...in spite of yourself."

Her voice was hesitant on the phone. She sounded tired.

"Hello?"

"Hi. Its me...John. Don't hang up...please...Samantha...please hold on."

Silence.

Then, after a bit...

"What do you want John?"

"Can we get together and talk. You and I?"

"What's there to talk about John. You were pretty clear that you wanted me out of your life that day."

"Look...I've been wrong...about a lot of stuff. Can we just get together and talk some...please?"

"Okay. Let's say we meet at...the park on Fourth Ave. this afternoon at say...three?"

"The park on Fourth Avenue. I'll be there at three sharp. Um...where exactly?"

"There's a bench by the pond on the North side. Follow the path from the parking lot. You can't miss it."

As I drove over to the park that afternoon I wondered what I'd find? Would we be able to fix things or had I tossed it all away now? I found the closer I got to my destination, the more nervous I felt. I was still not sure how much I loved Samantha, or if I could overcome her past and the deceit that had happened. I was angry...a bit at Becky and a bit at Samantha for having messed with me as they had. Even if it had all been for me and to help me...I still had some issues to resolve.

Arriving at the park I saw that I was the only car in the lot. It was empty. The day was quite hot of course, but I would have figured that there would have been kids all over the place. Maybe there weren't a lot of kids in this neighborhood.

Walking around the park I found the bench I believed to be the one Samantha had told me about. Sitting down, I looked around carefully, not seeing anyone at all. Had she stood me up then? I sat there for about ten minutes and was about to get up and leave when I saw her shadow fall across the bench.

I turned to see Samantha...but a different looking Samantha than I had ever seen before. She looked thinner, and pale. Her eyes had large circles around them, and she was dressed like she was afraid of getting cold or something.

"Hi."

She said nothing. Sitting beside me she just looked off and was silent.

"Are you going to talk to me at all Samantha?"

Still silence reigned.

Frustrated I was about to get up and leave. I had gotten her on time, waited patiently, and then when she had shown up...finally, she refused to talk to me.

"Wait. I just need a moment to collect myself. Seeing you...I wasn't prepared as much as I thought I was John."

So I sat. Quietly looking at her...or trying to, as she had turned away from me now. I saw her dabbing a hanky to her eyes time to time...obviously trying to gain control over her emotions. I felt real bad now...as if I hadn't before...knowing that I was the cause of her state.

A little bit went by...maybe twenty minutes. I had reached out to put my arm around her, but the instant I touched her shoulder with my hand, she stiffened so much I feared that she was about to jump and run. I pulled back my arm and sat a bit stiffly now myself.

"So...you wanted to talk then?"

"Yes. Are you okay Samantha?"

"Fine. I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Say what you have to say John. Get it over with."

I sat there realizing that she must have figured that I was here to make our break final and forever. I felt worse now than I had. I was unsure where this would lead, and I was a bit afraid of how she'd react to me now too. Finally I plunged ahead.

"Look, a while back I was harsh towards you. Far harder than I had a right to be. I was hurt...yes...but I should have given you a chance. Instead, I pushed you out of my life. Ever since I've been...tormented. If I'm not thinking about Becky I'm thinking about you. My kids won't come see me any more...my daughter hasn't talked to me in over two months now. I'm miserable. Terribly miserable. I want it to all go away...but I can't fix this by myself. I need you Samantha. I know that now. I love you and need you in my life."

Nothing. Her shoulders were shaking, a silent sign of the pain I had rendered her.

"I'm not sure what to do Samantha. I love you and I've treated you rottenly. I have no right to ask you back into my life again...even if you wanted to. Everyone is mad at me because of what I did to you. I couldn't see how much you loved me...until it was too late."

Still nothing. Her shoulders had stopped shaking at least. Feeling that I may have made some headway at last...I started again.

"Samantha...I was wrong to ask you to leave. I was wrong to not trust and believe you when you told me that you did love me. I was wrong to think that you did it only for the money. Becky had shown me in so many ways how much you loved me and I refused to allow myself to believe it. Can you forgive me?"

So softly I hardly heard her, she spoke. Never looking at me, just speaking out in the direction she was looking in.

"What is it you want John?"

"What is it I want? I want you. I want you Samantha. I know I love you...I can't get you out of my mind. I want you to be with me...forever." "And if I don't come to you or feel the same way, what then?"

"But...you told me you loved me that day...even after I sent you away...I thought you loved me. Were you acting then? I talked to my daughter, my boys, and Susan...they all claim that you love me. Did you lie to all of them then? Don't you love me? Look me in my eyes and tell me you don't love me Samantha. Look at me!"

Turning slowly, so slowly I wasn't sure at first she was turning towards me, she tore her eyes from her hands and brought them to mine. Red rimmed from crying, she was still beautiful as I remembered. Not really healthy as she had been...but still hauntingly beautiful.

"I still love you...but you hurt me John. I can't trust that you won't hurt me again, whether in a few minutes or days...I can't take being hurt again. If you're here to just get even by acting like you love me now, and then plan on dumping me in some kind of sick get even agenda...just get up and leave. I'll not come with you that easily, nor will I allow you to hurt me anymore."

I saw fire in her eyes as she started to talk. The longer she went, the louder she got. By the end she was almost shouting. I sat there unsure what to say now. We had both been hurt with all the revelations about our whole time together, and we both had demons now too.

"I don't want to hurt you Samantha. I came here hoping to fix things between us. Maybe, if you were willing, to try and start over. I was wrong about so many things. I listened to that old damned asshole lawyer instead of my heart. I should have known that Becky wouldn't have picked out someone not fit to be with me. I should have seen that you truly did love me. I should have known that you'd do the right thing by me and for Becky too. I'm ashamed of how I've acted...and I am telling you now...from my heart...I do love you...and I do want you in my life...forever."

"I can't come to you like nothing's happened now. I want to believe you John...but so much happened...it's been months...I'm not sure that I should trust you...now."

"Could we try a date? Just you and me, out for dinner...maybe?"

"I don't know..."

"I'm trying Samantha...I really am. I messed up big time...I have no excuse. None at all. All I can do is try to get us back together, and the only thing I can think of is a date. Don't you want to try...at all anymore? Did I shove you away forever then?"

"I...I just don't know John. I want to believe you, that you are being honest with me and that you're not playing a game...but all this time and nothing from you...until today. I'm a bit confused."

"Susan came over and talked to me last night. She was quite...forceful with me. I can assure you I am not playing a game. I'm serious. Serious as hell."

"Susan saw you last night? She talked to you?"

"Yeah...she was worried about you...called me up, and then got me to meet with her. She read me the riot act...called me...well it seems that there is one thing everyone agrees on when talking about me anyway...she called me a worthless asshole. Not like I hadn't heard that...a lot lately...but coming from someone I didn't know...and with such an attitude...it got through to me."

"Susan called you a worthless asshole? Susan? Wow."

"Yeah. She was quite...straightforward with me too. Look, I'm not sure what to say here Samantha. I want us to get past this and move on...I want you in my life. I want to love you and have you with me every night when I get home, or go to bed, or get up in the morning...I want you to share my life with me. I need you. Without Becky and without you...I'm not even half a man."

"Susan called you a worthless asshole...man...that's a first."

"She threatened me too. Told me that if I hurt you again, that she knew some people who would make my trip to the other side quite long and painful."

"She threatened you too?"

"Yeah."

"So, you think you need me in your life? What if I don't want you in mine anymore?"

That struck me like a blow from nowhere. Suddenly I was worried that maybe I was the only one here that wanted to fix things. I didn't know what to say to her now. Finally I decided to be honest...completely honest.

"Look, I know that I hurt you badly Samantha. I was hard and...wrong. I want you in my life, and I can't tell you enough about how sorry I truly am, and how much I wish I could take back these last months. I can see that I pushed you too far away now though. I've lost you."

I stood up and started to turn away.

"For what it's worth...I truly am sorry...and I truly do love you. You know my phone number...where I live and all..."

I walked away.

She said nothing as I left. The walk back to my car was a long and hard one. I was lost now...far more than I had been too. I realized, too late...that I had lost two people I loved...one by death, and one by my own hand. I was also in danger of losing my kids now too. I wasn't sure where I was headed...but my future looked bleaker than it ever had before in my life.

I sat in my car for a long time...idling...hoping against hope that she'd come running up to me and forgive me. That wasn't to be. Sighing, I backed up and drove home. Home to my empty and lonely house. Home to an uncertain future. If Becky had been worried about me committing suicide...at that moment I was closer than I ever had been before.

Sitting at home I was lost in thought when the phone rang. It was Susan.

"Hey. You all right?"

"Not really. I screwed up big time."

"You were honest with her...right?"

"Yes. I don't think she believed me though. She thinks, or is afraid that I'm playing some kind of sick game on her now."

"What did you expect? I told you that it wouldn't be easy. It never is. Give her some time. I think she'll come around."

"Hey...wait a minute...how'd you know that we met?"

"Sam told me that she was going to the park to meet you today. After she got back home she called me and talked for a bit. It's the first time in ages that she's called me first. That's a good sign. Hang in there bucko. She may come around yet."

"I doubt it...but thanks for calling just the same."

"Just don't give up yet John. Trust me."

"Yeah...okay."

I hung up, not believing Susan at all. The look and the way Samantha's voice had carried that last question to me haunted me deeply. I could tell that I had destroyed any chances of fixing things now. I would be better off...dead. I had nothing. Nothing at all. My kids hated me...Samantha hated me...I...hated me. I hated what I had become...what I had done to those I supposedly loved...I hated my life.

The next day I went into work and put in my retirement. The paperwork took a lot less time than I figured it would, and by that afternoon, I was pretty much on the way out the door...forever. I drove home, planning the next days and what needed to taken care of. I had to make some money and financial moves over the next week or so, and I wanted to make sure that I did them right.

I had made up my mind that moving away would do me some good. My home...my house held too many memories of times that had been full of laughter, fun, and sunny days. Now, sitting in any room there just made me miserable. It was time for me to make a change.

Work had been stunned by my move to retire. Of course, I didn't give them much notice...and I was pressing everything and everyone to get it done as soon as I could. I wanted to be free of any kind of entanglements now. I needed to be able to do what I needed to do without something like a job or work hanging over my head.

Now that my mind was made up and I had a plan, I actually began to feel a bit lighthearted. Well...more cheerful anyway. I had a plan, and my life was soon to be fixed as well as I could fix it. I could clearly see my path for the first time in a long time. Right or wrong, I had made a choice.