The Courtship of Rachel Pt. 02

That is true but then I wouldn't have known Paula or wound up working in an accountancy firm in the city. My life would have taken a totally different direction and I would probably never have met Birgit either and speaking of my love, she's just pulled into the driveway and so it's goodbye from me and I'll write some more on Sunday night.

***

You've heard that phrase it's a small world and it's a cliché but I do so love clichés because they sum up a universal truth in so few words. We bumped into Paula outside the restaurant, she was with her partner, Evelyn and as gay women the world over do, we headed to a pub to set the world to rights. When she heard about my new venture she decided to write her own memoirs and over a few drinks we decided on the title.

"The perils of Paula."

So, at some point The Perils of Paula will be written, as I mentioned before, what have I started? It seems everyone I know is writing their memoirs or parts thereof. Now it's onward and upward to use a Freudian slip!

I was amused at my daughter's description of Birgit, particularly when she referred to her as the focus of the teacher's crush. She's quite right there and when Birgit was teaching in high school she did have to deal with teenage boys and girls who developed a crush on her. I had my crushes back in Bayswater High, mine were male but I did think Mrs Tye was beautiful. I too noticed Birgit when she walked past with her dog but when she came to our door that evening to ask if we could mind her dog while she went back home for a couple of weeks I fell in love with that accent, it's a classic Scandinavian accent although Birgit is quite right to say that there is a difference between Swedish English and Danish English. These days I can tell them apart but back then I couldn't get enough of her accent. Even the way she said my name made me feel almost giddy.

Unlike Tess however I had my suspicions about Birgit. Everywhere I looked in her house that first night I saw pictures of her with women and while we were alone in her kitchen making coffee she told me she'd never been married.

"I do not want to be an accessory on a man's arm."

I didn't instantly put her in the gay or bisexual category, lots of women were independent the equal opportunities we'd fought for had begun to show their effect as women either delayed child bearing or simply refused to take part in the ritual. Others however were more selective in their choice of a mate and initially I put Birgit in that category but afterwards when she handed out the coffee and I came out with my joke that at this rate I'd be batting for the other team her eyes shifted as she replied.

"Well, that can't be a bad thing, nothing wrong with broadening your horizons."

It was an innocent enough remark and an appropriate response to a half hearted threat to turn gay but she was looking right at me when she said it and then she glanced off to the side and ran a hand through her hair to expose her ear. It was a subtle gesture used by women to attract attention and when she saw I'd noticed, she merely smiled and fiddled with her cuffs. Our conversation was pretty bland I thought but I got the distinct impression she was studying my reactions or just trying to get used to my accent because I was certainly doing that to her. It's what we women do so often, assess the people around us for potential opportunities and threats, something that is even more intense when there are children involved.

Tess's attitude to her did get to me, she was the one I was worried about the most because she had seen Lewis plunge the knife into the wall. Ever since that night she'd been withdrawn, she rarely smiled and she'd been having problems adjusting at school. Whenever I was cooking dinner she would come into the kitchen and do her homework at the kitchen table instead of sitting in the living room or her bedroom. It was so uncharacteristic of Tess that I'd raised the idea of taking her to a therapist with mum, but so far nothing had been decided. Now this Danish woman had pulled her out of her shell in the space of a few hours. It is true Tess drew Birgit and I closer together at first, later on however things took on a life of their own.

In her last piece, Tess mentioned the night Birgit brought a computer around for her and while I'm not going to repeat the conversation in the kitchen I will write about what happened in the bedroom because that was the turning point.

Birgit is an extremely intelligent woman, multilingual and sophisticated. She can read the shifting currents in a heartbeat and respond appropriately, it stands to reason when you've worked in different countries. She knew that I wasn't happy about the computer because when she sat on my bed the first thing she said was, "I am sorry if I have upset you."

"It's not that I'm upset," I shrugged the jacket off my shoulders, "it's just that you should have told me first before doing this," I hung the jacket on a coat hanger, "I would have gladly agreed to this if you'd just told me beforehand."

"Okay, then I will give you the fifty dollars," Birgit looked down at the floor.

I felt a twinge of guilt as I undid my cuffs, this was making me feel bad.

"Tell me something," I started pulling my blouse out of my skirt, "which way do you swing?"

"What do you mean?" Birgit looked up at me.

"I meant sexually," I sat down at the dressing table and faced her, "are you straight, bisexual or gay?"

"Gay," she replied, "I've never been with a man."

"Okay," I crossed my legs, "that's what I suspected, I'm bisexual but it's been so long since I was with a woman it's like a distant memory but in my youth I went through a string of three women in less than a year," I looked past her.

"What you and I need are boundaries because right now I'm not about to get involved with anyone, look at me, I'm like an open wound. A couple of months ago my ex husband attacked me with a knife and at the start of the year he pointed a shotgun at me. I have an intervention order out against him for a very good reason. With his contacts and his temper I could very well be attacked or even murdered, it happens and despite the fact the police tell me he can't come near me I don't see a cop car parked out the front every night."

"But you do have a neighbour across the street who looks out her window on a regular basis and you are not the only one to have an intervention order. I too took one out against an ex girlfriend in Los Angeles. We were involved for a few months but when she came home with her hair dyed blonde I decided I needed space and that is where it all turned nasty. She started following me. One night I came home to find she'd been in my apartment and put all my photographs upside down, some had fallen from the wall and smashed. When I took out the order a detective suggested I move out, I just don't think he meant for me to move countries."

"Oh, fuck," I pinched my nose, "that is weird. She turned your pictures upside down?"

"Yes, and in the bedroom she laid out a green dress I'd worn on our second date along with some underwear, she had a rose on the pillow as well."

"Fuck," I shivered, "it makes my ex husband seem almost sane."

"I feel safe with you," she replied, "it is why I was happy to watch your children. I thought this is normal, I can do this but I agree I should have told you first about the computer. It came up at the last minute, they were packing computers ready to be picked up tomorrow and I just thought of Tess and decided to grab one because it was so cheap."

I told you earlier that her accent just did something for me. I was staring at her and she stopped and straightened up.

"I will go and get the money."

"No, that's fine," I held out my hand, "it's fine, really. I've been under a lot of strain lately not just with my ex but also at work. If it's going to make you feel better then fine, get the money but now at least we know more about each other."

"Good," she flopped back on the bed, "I am relieved."

"There is something you could do for me," I rose and walked over to my chest of drawers.

"Name it," she followed my progress around the room.

"I want to learn Danish."

"Danish?" Birgit rolled over onto her belly, "you would be better with German, once you get the grammar and word order right then it is easier to learn Scandinavian languages.

"Maybe so, but I never was afraid of a challenge," I took out a pair of jeans and tossed them onto the bed, "say something in Danish," I undid the skirt, "and not something dirty," I unzipped it and slid it over my hips.

"Det er en flot nederdel," she replied as the skirt hit the floor.

"What the fuck?" I picked it up, "you sounded like you were choking."

"That is a nice skirt."

"Oh," I folded it and put it on the bed. She repeated it more slowly and by the time I managed to get my jeans on I'd managed a passable imitation, albeit with an Australian accent.

"If you want to mangle a language," I knelt on the bed beside her, "get an Aussie to try and speak it, we have a knack for mangling languages."

She was looking up at me with a smile on her face and for an instant I remembered Maggie lying on my old bed in Box Hill with a similar expression. I came to myself with a start and held out my hand and she took it gingerly.

"My children know nothing about my past and while it's not something I'm ashamed of, I think they are both too young to know about it, are we understood?"

"Completely," she sat up and stared at her reflection, "and we should maintain our boundaries for other reasons too, I am their teacher and while it is not against the law for you and I, there might be fallout if it got out. Children can be cruel."

"There is that as well," I slid off the bed, "but I'm keeping an open verdict on that one. I'm bisexual and if you and I get to that stage then we'll deal with that the same we we dealt with the computer," I took a step back.

"And you've never been with a man at all?"

"Never," she replied, "I have had plenty of offers from men, quite a few wanted to have threesomes, when I was in Los Angeles there was this Russian businessman who offered me a lot of money to get into a threesome with his girlfriend."

"How much?"

"I stopped him at five hundred thousand dollars and said I wasn't interested."

"I had a similar offer from a woman before I got married. I could have had a house rent free in the inner city, I could have had other women or men in the house just not when she was staying there but I turned it down."

"Do you regret it?"

"Nope," I shook my head, "there was a moment I thought about it but being a kept woman is just not my idea of getting ahead."

She laughed at that.

"Let us agree on one other thing," she stared at me, "you and are friends and that is what we should work on strengthening. I would hate to lose you as a friend."

I breathed a sigh of relief at that.

"Absolutely."

We came back through not long after that and Tess was none the wiser as to what really went on in that bedroom until I told her on the phone a few days ago. It wasn't the first time I'd outed myself to a woman but this was the first time in years I'd told a single gay woman about my sexuality. I felt a slight giddiness as I looked at my daughter in front of her new computer. We'd connected over her and now I was feeling a little exposed. My offer for her to stay for tea felt forced but Birgit didn't seem to notice and so my life entered a new phase.

***

Tess has already given a pretty good summary of the next few months and all that's left for me to do is fill in some of the background. The reason I started going to the gym and my ceramics class was to give me a reason to get out of the house and doing something without my children. We call it me time and while it's a much abused term there is something to be said for doing your own thing even if you are in a long term relationship. And I'm not just talking about different careers because that's just part and parcel of living, but finding other interests that don't necessarily involve your other half is important. Birgit and I both have me time, I don't do the ceramics these days but I have an interest in leatherwork and before you start laughing it's leather clothing as in skirts and jackets. I make some pieces to order and some people have said I should do it full time but that would take the fun out of cutting and sewing. Birgit loves her photography and we have other interests as well, but it means that the time we spend together is quality time.

Exercise helped me lose weight and made me more aware of my own body, I felt as if I had more energy and a place to blow off steam. There's nothing like exercise to take your mind off sex and it was on my mind. I was attracted to Birgit but here I found I was still in a very familiar mode. Now Birgit had taken on Paula's role, it was just that now we were both single.

I had to smile when I recall my feeble attempts to learn Danish, and it was only when we became a couple that I really got serious about learning Danish but in those first few months it was my way of being with Birgit in an uncomplicated way. Inevitably however those lessons, which often took place while I was doing tummy crunches or push ups, forged a connection between us. I began to let down my guard and slowly but surely we came ever closer. I could sense it in the way we looked at each other, it was only a matter of time I sensed before we fell into bed.

Thus it explains why I went out with Ellen from my ceramics class. I felt as if that part of my life had come to a standstill, I had all the desires. God I was as horny as hell despite my exercise routine and there were guys at work, clients and a recovering alcoholic as well who did give me the eye. But every time I looked at a guy I thought of Lewis, it was like he'd invaded my mind and not in a romantic way, it was more like poison in your veins.

Ellen on the other hand was out and proud, and in 2005 that was becoming more and more acceptable. She was an attractive woman too with brown skin, dark brown hair and a good figure. We had a connection too, asides from our sexuality, she too had been in a violent marriage. Her ex once broke three of her ribs and fractured her collarbones when she backed his car into another car. I felt for Ellen in that way and so I agreed to go out for drinks, knowing full well that she was gay and I did admit I was bisexual.

Tess has related what happened after our date but what she doesn't know is that in the car park of the Olinda Hotel in Lilydale we embraced and I felt her breasts pressing against mine. She was hanging on for dear life and I wasn't about to discourage her. I very nearly went back to the Manhattan with her but here's where it gets complicated. You see as much as I was dying to have sex I didn't want to have sex with her, I had fallen for Birgit and if I went back with Ellen I knew what would happen afterwards. I'd seen that movie before and I knew that Birgit would never step into the middle. My parting remark was particularly telling.

"It's not you," I told her, "it really isn't you, it's me. I'm in love with someone else."

"Does she know? About you?"

"She does, but I don't know how to take it forward."

"I'm sure you'll work it out," she kissed me on the cheek, "bye."

Which explains why I was so emotional in the toilet when Birgit was rubbing my back, I had been meaning to tell her I loved her and all I could manage was, "why can't I tell you this when I'm sober? What's wrong with me?"

"Here, drink this," she handed me a glass of water, "it'll stop you dehydrating."

She was always so practical that way!

"We'll talk in the morning," she rubbed my back

I awoke with the sun in my eyes and a mouth like the bottom of a bird cage. My sister, Jodie was leaning on the door jamb with a bemused look on her face.

"So, are you going to lie there all day or get out of bed?"

"Leave me alone," I put the pillow over my head, "just kill me, please."

She stepped into the bedroom and sat on the side of the bed as she pulled the pillow away.

"I'm taking the kids back to my joint but when you feel up to it I've brought over my old curtains, I put the new ones up yesterday but these ones are still good."

"I'll need to modify them and I don't have a sewing machine."

"Well you can borrow mine but that means you'll have to get out of bed and get dressed," she tugged at my hair, "and have a shower too, you smell like a brewery."

"Jodie," I stared at her, "how many times have you seen me like this?"

"More than you care to remember," she rose, "okay, I'm gone. Oh, and Birgit is in the living room just in case you wonder who's watching telly."

I could hear the television in the living room but when I came through some ten minutes later she was in the kitchen doing the dishes. I looked a mess, my hair was like a rat's nest and I was only wearing a satin dressing gown. Birgit looked as if she'd just stepped out of a salon. Her hair hung loosely about her and her face was lightly made up. She was wearing a white, pussybow blouse with the ties hanging loosely about her and the top couple of buttons undone, it was tucked into tight blue jeans and when she saw me a smile lit up her face.

"Well, hello, you emerged from the crypt."

"And you tidied my kitchen, again."

"I was just tidying up after the children."

"Thanks," I ran a hand through my hair, "sorry about last night."

"You did nothing wrong," she pulled the plug and started wiping down the drainer, "your sister dropped off some curtains," she went on, "I was going to bring over my sewing machine but then I remembered about boundaries."

"Well scratch that idea," I sat down at the kitchen table, "I think I crossed enough boundaries last night for both of us."

"Did you really mean what you said last night?" Birgit finished wiping down the sink and turned around as she picked up a tea towel, "they say that the truth comes out when we're drunk but that is not always the case as we both know."

"It is true," I swallowed, "I'm the one sitting here night after night looking at you and wondering why the fuck I can't just do it. What is wrong with me? I have needs, urges, you know? I want my pipes rattled but last night I had my big opportunity and I turned her down for a woman who looks after my kids when I'm out chasing pussy."

"Do you mean to tell me you actually felt guilty leaving me here?"

"Kind of," I looked down for a moment, "but I've been here before with another woman."

She reached over and flipped the switch on the kettle.

"Tell me more."

Over a cup of coffee I told her all about Paula and Birgit listened without interrupting, which only prompted me to tell her more. By the time I'd finished telling her about my sexual exploits with women it was almost ten o'clock and I felt drained.

"You must think I'm a psycho."

"If I thought you were the psycho I would not be sitting in a kitchen with you," she leaned back and looked past me for a few moments.

"What is the worst thing that could happen if we got together?"

"We might break up and then I would lose a friend."

"Perhaps," her eyes shifted, "but I am not so immature. You would only lose a friend if you chose to ignore me. I would still be checking on your children and that would only stop if you got involved with someone else but that is normal."

"Okay, well that's good."

"What is the best thing that could happen?"

"What is this, twenty questions?" I raised my eyebrows, "the best thing is that you and I could tie the knot or just move in together, I'm not sure about coming out but these days everyone is doing that so that isn't so much of an issue these days."

"Nobody is insisting you come out," she fiddled with her ties, "I admit my sexuality to those who ask the question but for me it is just not a big thing. I was raised to accept the differences in others, when I came out to my parents they just said they were happy and they have supported me ever since. We have this word hygge, it is hard to translate into English but a loose translation is a feeling of cosiness."