The Death of a Modern Man

I was awoken the next day in that way that all men love, unless they are in prison of course. With a warm mouth engulfing my member. It was reminiscent of our courting days. I remembered to control my urges and warned her before the money shot. Aquarian woman doesn't do that. She tried for a kiss afterwards. Even modern man doesn't do that.

That morning was all about apologies. Both from Lisa and through Lisa from Thunderchild. Apologies that they'd both underestimated my desire, nay demand, for monogamy. Lisa confirmed that emergency counselling had started and I would be kept posted on progress. She was alarmed that I would ever think she would ever have a relationship with another man without my knowledge and consent.

Almost convinced that things were back on track, I relaxed my guard; largely.

A new pattern emerged over the next two months, not that different to the old one. Charity works continued three days a week, meditation once. I did notice Thunderchild's name mentioned less, which I took as evidence that Lisa's reliance on her was waning. That was a good thing. Despite her promises, Lisa never volunteered to enlighten me on her counsellor's alternative plan and refused to be drawn when asked. We continued our date nights once a fortnight. Lisa continued her fortnightly visits to her mother's, generally on Wednesdays.

Another new aspect of my life, was my involvement with the local 'Men's Shed'. This was a kind of club that had approached my company as a possible sponsor. Recognising that men are more likely to have a much smaller, or totally absent, support network of other men, than women are of other women, Men's sheds were born. It was a kind of social club where men could pursue mutual interests of just share world views. Sure, divorcees were overrepresented but that was all good. The first couple of visits I made were eye opening, as I watched men emotionally supporting each other, just as traditionally, women did. I made some good mates there and tried to go once a week. Generally, on Fridays and on Lisa's mother's nights.

After two months of the new deal, I was getting increasingly suspicious about Lisa's refusal to be drawn on the replacement for her trip away from the home to discover herself. It must be pretty huge if it took two months even to get to the point I could be briefed on what it was. There was no change to the frequency of our sex. However, after a brief increase in quality, it returned to its new, lacklustre norm. As an experiment, I turned down her requests a couple of Tuesdays and Thursdays. She still got quite agitated. Bizarre.

With no end in sight for my insidious doubts, I made one phone call on one Wednesday to move our relationship along.

I met Lisa at the door at 9.17PM on that same Wednesday night. Mother-in-law night. As she took off her coat, I enquired as to her mother's health. Lisa said she was fine and began a litany of her the old lady's current complaints. She kept that up until she followed me into the kitchen for the offered cup of hot chocolate. It was there she came face to face with her mother. The latter recovered fairly quickly from the realisation that I'd duped her. Lisa turned pale, then actually vomited into the sink. After her mother gave her a few choice words on the subject of honesty and integrity, she stormed out. As a considerate host, modern man escorted her to the door. When he returned, he went searching for his wife. While I was upstairs, I heard Lisa's car start and drive out of our circular driveway. The bitch had even left the back door open in her haste. She was still MIA the next day when I left for work and wasn't answering her cell. Telephonically, I found out she hadn't contacted her mother.

I allocated some of my valuable time, pondering my long standing commitment to mate for life and never knowingly throw my mate out of the nest. My conclusion was that nothing had to change, no matter how odious things may become. With a heavy heart, I returned home that Thursday night. Not surprisingly, Lisa wasn't there. Very surprisingly, she rang just before 7PM, but after establishing I was home, rang off. I can't remember if I was surprised or not when I heard her car in the driveway 15 minutes later.

Modern man went to the door and through the little window, saw a second car pulled up behind hers in the driveway. Lisa had exited her car by then and walked to the second one. A slimish, 5' 10"ish man of about our age got out and glanced at the house. They joined hands and he leaned down to kiss my wife briefly on the lips. Now I'll be the first to admit that I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I didn't need to be Einstein to realise I was seeing the opening gambit of the public aspect of plan B. It might have been nervousness, that was making Lisa hop from one foot to the other. It usually meant she desperately needed to go to the toilet. Perhaps one triggered the other.

Before they took two steps towards the house I was through the door and facing them. Lisa and her friend stopped dead. I saw him squeeze her hand for courage. Her words will be etched on my soul for decades to come.

"David, this is Michael, the, er, other man I love. I'm sorry you are meeting like this, but after what happened last night, you forced our hand. I just wanted to bring him here to show you he is a nice guy and is no threat to you."

I nearly laughed at this last piece of information. Blind Freddy could see that 5' 10" slim Mick was no threat to 6' 1" muscled Dave. Mick never made eye contact with me, but gave Lisa a look as if to say, "I thought you said your husband worked in an office." I think he either hadn't been informed of my physical characteristics or they'd been misrepresented.

At that moment, my earlier guess proved right, when Lisa strode past me, through the door and headed for the toilet, with Michael trailing after. Modern man followed Lisa in the door. Caveman took one step forwards and slammed a meaty fist into Michaels solar plexus. Caveman grinned as his rival was lifted off his feet and dumped on his ass. He then watched as Michael literally crawled back to his car, got in and drove off. Not bad for a guy that was at least another half minute away from being able to draw breath.

I was still looking at the retreating suitor, when Lisa returned. Bewilderedly, she followed my gaze.

"Where's Michael going?"

"He decided not to hang around."

"You didn't hurt him did you? I told you he was no threat."

"Did you ask yourself if I was a threat to him?"

"Why would I do that?"

"I thought not. I'm guessing he didn't either."

Lisa automatically grabbed her phone. Very unmodern man grabbed it off her, propped it between the bricks of the house and the concrete path around the house. Then with one stomp, broke it forever. Lisa stared at the phone, then at me like I was an alien.

"But I love him. I just want to make sure he's okay."

"And you don't see anything wrong with that statement do you, wife?"

"But, Thunderchild said it was okay."

"Come in Lisa. It sounds like you're starting half way through a prepared script."

This brilliant sarcasm was totally lost on Lisa. She smiled at me as if in genuine gratitude. I led her into the lounge. When she sat next to me on the couch, I pointedly moved to one of the chairs opposite. I gave her as much time as she needed to compose her thoughts. After all, it was me that had rudely derailed her plot.

"Well Dave, it all started when I first went to see Thunderchild..."

"Sorry to interrupt Lisa. I know I should have asked this months ago, but is she actually a qualified counsellor?"

"Nearly Dave. She's in the second year of a degree in social work."

"Not qualified then, but that didn't stop you seeing her did it?"

"You've never met her Dave. She's so wise, so worldly. She got straight to the heart of our problem, so I knew she was the right choice."

"And what is the heart of our problem Lisa. In Thunderchild's humble fucking opinion?"

"She told me that my self-esteem problems were because you took me for granted Dave. You treat me like a possession and not an equal member of our marriage team. In short, you repress me. She said our partnership was imbalanced and not only because...I really hate saying this Dave...I'm out of your league. She said I just needed to do something to spur you out of your, how did she put it, that's right, relational lethargy."

Far out, I'm proud of the way I didn't just explode at this point. You know how on cartoons the character's eyes bug out when surprised. That's what my brain felt like. The depths of Lisa's self-delusion were just staggering. Then I remembered her habit of inflating herself and what she did, while deflating everything I did. Where to start?

"Exactly how am I out of your league Lisa?"

"Well daddy WAS a doctor and you're, well you're just a tradesman. But I don't want to dwell on that Dave. It's not your fault you didn't have the opportunities daddy did. Anyway, I decided that the best way to shock you, was to pretend to take a lover, then kind of let you find out about him. That way you would appreciate what you had in me. Then I'd agree to give him up in exchange for you treating me like an equal, giving me the respect due to a daughter of the moon goddess."

You might be wondering why I didn't die laughing at this statement. This is what her group of loony friends believed. It seemed to be a blend of Buddhism and paganism. Until now I'd thought it was harmless. Guess I fucked up. In hindsight, I now realise I was too stunned to reply.

"But it went off the rails somewhere along the line. I met Michael and he was really nice. He's better than you, he works in an office, as a supervisor."

Lisa glowed with reflected pride at this.

"His hands are always soft and clean. Sorry, I'm getting off the point here. Anyway, we started going out and I started, er, having feelings for him. That wasn't part of the plan and I didn't know what to do. I stopped seeing him for a week so I could think. Then I realised it was time to start rubbing your nose in it, so you could begin fighting for me. But when it came right down to it, I couldn't do it. Call me a coward if you like, but after loving you for so many years, I realised I just couldn't do it, I couldn't hurt you like that. In that week away from Michael, I realised I loved him. I know he loves me. He can't keep his hands off me. It's like you and I were 10 years ago, before you got complacent."

At this point, I was too overwhelmed to speak. I'd only felt this way once before. I was bushfire fighting. It was early evening, when fires normally slow down due to the rising humidity. The fire was slowly rolling down a hill, against the wind. Myself and a bunch of other volunteers, were lighting a leisurely back-burn off a dozed firebreak about a kilometre from the base of the hill. We weren't in a hurry as we knew we had hours. The fire reached the base of the hill and just flashed. Against the wind and rising humidity, it covered the kilometre between the hill and me in about two minutes. It was so huge and so violent, that I instinctively knew that it was a complete waste of time running. I was either dead or our fire break would stop it. At the risk of stating the obvious, the latter occurred. The point is, the feeling of horrified fascination I had then, was the same as I felt now.

"That's when I suggested the separation, so I could explore my feelings for Michael. When you didn't let me go voluntarily, I realised I couldn't leave without telling you the real reason. I loved you too much still Dave, I couldn't hurt you. So I went back to sneaking around behind your back. That way I could explore my feelings for Michael without hurting you."

How do you spell delusional logic? I could see that Lisa was really conflicted. Well, she wasn't dumb and subliminally, she must know this was complete bullshit. Time to do some fact finding.

"So Lisa, I'm guessing you wanted to sleep with him, but couldn't get around your old fashioned values of not sleeping with someone you didn't love. Could that be why you fell in love with him?"

Perhaps because I seemed to be taking the conversation seriously, Lisa stopped to consider this. At that point, I knew she didn't fully understand her feelings. She'd also confirmed she'd slept with him and wasn't feeling any guilt about it at all. Bizarre. But it got even stranger. Lisa smiled suddenly.

"Maybe Dave. I did well though didn't I? I've been sleeping with him for two and a half months now and you didn't have a clue. I made sure you didn't see any differences. Tell me you saw any difference in my behaviour, any difference in my love for you. Did our loving ever change in any way. No, because I love you now like I always have. Michael is not part of us, he sits outside of us. I also want you to know that he hasn't been getting anything you haven't. You and I have sex three times a week, as do Michael and I. You and I go out once every two weeks, as do Michael and I. So, you found out about Michael and I. Nothing has to change. I promise you will never see the difference."

I finally found my voice. I decided to burst a couple of logic bubbles.

"Well Lisa, in retrospect, I can spot the differences. I didn't at the time, as I trusted you and thought we shared an equal commitment to fidelity. Wasn't that silly of me. I'm guessing you've been meeting Michael Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. That's when you've been putting effort into your appearance. I didn't notice any difference in your movements as you don't work and I'm away all day earning a living, singlehandedly. As for our sex life. I did notice an increase in quantity but a drop-off in quality, like you were just going through the motions. I just thought that was part of your treatment. Treatment that you refused to discuss with me remember."

I paused to see if that was getting through to her. I'd noticed her quail when I'd used the words trust and fidelity, as well as when I'd pointed out that she'd utilised her idleness to deceive me. When she didn't volunteer any more, I decided to explore the boundaries of her delusions.

"So you're asking me if you can keep the current arrangement going?"

That snapped her out of any shame or guilt she was feeling. I knew there was some. Even without her facial clues, I knew no amount of self-delusion could mask deeply held feelings fully.

"No, not asking Dave. It's important for me to assert myself, to stop you dominating me."

"So, where does this leave us? Are you going to leave me and go with Michael?"

"I...I don't know Dave. You, er, interrupted my plans before I'd fully explored my feelings for Michael. He treats me better than you do, but I'm mature enough to realise that's maybe just because our love is new and fresh. He has plenty of money to spoil me, while we always seem to be struggling. I'm confused. I love you both, but it's kind of different. I just don't know Dave."

I knew the bit about the money was right, but wasn't going to share the reasons. I was paying for a four-bedroom house. Bought in anticipation of having a family, years ago. Shithead lived in a one-bedroom apartment. Oh yes, I'd done my research after getting his licence plate number. The other reason was that I'd sunk all our spare cash into the business. The business that I'd been quietly moving out of Lisa's reach since I'd discovered the car belonged to a Michael Smith, then convinced myself that Michael and Thunderchild were two different people. I needed more time. This eagle used to be an eagle scout. The scout's motto has always been, 'be prepared'. I was really regretting allowing my trust of Lisa to dominate my actions for the last two months, I still couldn't believe how much her fundamental beliefs had changed. I also regretted that the time I had to spend on the business, at this critical point, excluded me spying on Lisa during her charity days. There had to be a factor I was missing here.

"Where does that leave me Lisa, or should I say, us?"

"Well, I was talking to Michael last night and he brought up a valid point. It's unfair that you get to live with me and get me almost exclusively, while he just gets me for part of three days a week."

"Oh yes. I meant to ask how come he works in an office and yet gets to see you during the day."

"He starts work at 3PM and works till 11. He has every second Wednesday off. Now, as I was saying, Michael thinks it's unfair that he only gets to see me so little. He wants to take me on vacation. He has a caravan so it should be fun. We were going to go when I suggested that separation, but you spoiled that. Now that you know about him, I think it's fair that that I spend more time with him."

"I'm sorry to ruin your holiday with your boyfriend, wife."

Again this blistering sarcasm completely went over her head. I'd have to do some research on delusions. These were staggering in their scope. I needed some way to shake her up.

"You really have no idea how you've hurt me by your betrayal, have you? How much damage you've done?"

"Oh no, you don't get to lay that on me. If you'd just gone along with our separation idea and kept your nose out of my business, we'd not be having this conversation and you wouldn't have got hurt."

Logic of sorts I suppose, but DAMN! God, there must be some way past her defences. Guilt obviously wasn't going to work. It wouldn't make any difference, of course, her fate had been sealed for half an hour now. Bemusement was interrupted, when she went to the toilet again. I began again when she returned.

"So, you're going on a lovey-dovey vacation with Michael; then what?"

"Well I'm not naïve enough to think that I'll be certain which way to decide after a two-week vacation. I'll have to see how I feel. I'll either stay with him for a few more weeks after that or come back here. When I come back I promise to let you show me how much you love me. I assure you. I'll be making my decision with an open mind. You'll see nothing will have changed."

"How long do you plan on this going on Lisa."

"Only until I've made up my mind Dave. I'm not silly enough to expect to have both of you long term. I really don't know how long it will take, but rest assured, once I make up my mind, I'll let one of you know. Please don't ask me to commit to a time frame. This is too important for that."

I went to the toilet this time. Maybe splashing my face with cold water would snap me out of my dream. This couldn't really be happening, could it? One of the things confusing me; there were only about a thousand, was where her counsellor fit into all this. I sat back down, still dreaming unfortunately.

"What worries me Lisa, is if your counsellor recommended you do selfless charity work and you've been meeting Michael instead, how do you expect to recover. I mean, why get a counsellor and then ignore what she said?"

Finally, signs of shame. Lisa broke eye contact for a long pause.

"Um Dave. She didn't recommend I do charity work. The whole fake affair thing was her idea. I was a little worried when I found Michael and actually fell in love with him. But I checked with Thunderchild and she said it was fine. In fact, she said it would work better. She said it would be so much more convincing this way. To tell you the truth, I was really having trouble justifying sleeping with him, but she said it was fine. It wasn't cheating because it was under doctor's orders."

Lisa smiled at the memory of a past shared joke. I sat there with my mouth opening and closing like a goldfish. How can you get through to someone, who would justify anything by saying it was all right because a half trained, hippie bitch said it was okay? How could I get rid of that smug smile?

"Lisa, how would you react if I pulled a stunt like this on you? Came home and said that I'd met another woman and wanted some time away to see if I loved her more than I did you?"