The Dubious Dictionary: Aa-Ad

A collection of arcane and under-appreciated words for the edification, education, and entertainment of the reader. Definitions are included, along with clarification. Also, the word is used in a sentence, where appropriate, to indicate its proper usage in everyday language.

NOTE: An asterisk (*) following a definition indicates that the word and definition are factual and may be found in any good 40 pound dictionary. A less formal approach is taken with other words, and notes are included by the editor (Ed.) for clarification. Also, strict alphabetization is avoided to minimize the possibility of apseudoinhedescense.

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AARDVARKSONUM: The feeling, after going to bed following several drinks, that one might wake up with an anteater having questionable personal hygiene sitting on one's face.

ABACINATE: To achieve sexual gratification by sitting in a red-hot copper basin. From the Yiddish; "Ab"-To fry crisply while leaving the center tender, and "Cinat"-To have it off whilst screaming.

ABARUNCULARITY: The feeling when, upon completion of a bowel movement, one finds that the previous occupant of the privy has used the last of the paper. E.g. "Whoooeee! That musta been a four footer. Now I jist need about fifteen feeta pa... Oh, shit!"

ABASCULATE: To experience sexual arousal by plucking nose hairs. From the Greek; "Abascul"-Rhinal depilation by use of needle-nose pliers.

ABELE: A Papal dispensation allowing Austrialian Catholic men to marry sheep.

ABERDEVINE: The hole cut in a chair seat for use following hemorrhoid surgey.

ABNOSQUATULA: The inability to masturbate when not alone. From the Latin "Abnosqua"-Failure of Boy Scout entrance examination.

ABNANTICULUM: A tool for the emasculation of giraffes.

ACNABALLISTACISM: The art of squeezing the content of pimples onto mirrors from a distance. Commonly practiced in high school restrooms.

ABROZZO: A device used in Paraguay for removal of semen deposits from the headliners of elderly Buicks.

ABIECTICATION: A highly effective method of birth control used amongst the high mountain people of Ireland. A braided goathair strap is fastened tightly around the testicles before intercourse. The resultant discomfort immediately removes all desire for sexual activity.

ABNONACIA: The practice of disguising the noise of passing flatus by coughing. Usually ineffective.

ABIOTROPHY: A Jew's loss of sexual desire and inability to attain an erection due to a grossly obese wife. From the Hebrew; "Abie"-soft on, and "Tropie"-spousal blimpertrophy in excess of 150 kilograms.

ABIOTRIPHINA: A Jewish woman's loss of sexual desire due to a grossly obese husband. Female equivalent of abiotrophy (qv)

ABOMISM: The presence of three buttocks. Triglutism(qv)

ABBA: General term for a wellington wearer, Australian, or person of Welsh ancestry. From the Greek "Abar"-the sound of sheep in distress.

ABASSIA: 1.Sudden inability to remember how to walk. 2. Sudden loss of low-pitched voice. 3. Sudden loss of a hooked fish.

ABIRUTIENT: A leather pouch used to support prolapsed hemorrhoids.

ABLIPESIA: Blindness caused by excessive masturbation

ABESSIVE: Extremely nonspecific term indicating either the presence or absence of something

ABIECTIC: A goat fucker. From the Latin "Abi"-Nanny and "Ectica"-To have carnal knowledge of an uddered ungulant

ABIRRITUATION: Scottish practice of smoking meat over a goat dung fire

ABNASCAR: The practice of grown men playing "stock car race" when their mufflers go out

ABLACTATION: The difficult process of weaning a new father off his wife's milk

ABLUTOGENITOPHOBIA: Fear of bathing the genitalia. Leads to hypersmegmatosis and its tragic consequences

ABSTALADOR: Sp. One who washes excrement through a metal collander to recover undigested kernels of corn. "Panning for gold"

ABSTALATA: A delicate Mexican tortilla made with used corn. Usually served "con sombrero" (qv)

ABSTALOMIA: The loss of the ability to lose things

ABOMASUM: The musical rumblings from the fourth stomach of ungulate ruminants. From the Latin"Abom"-Horizontal intestinal tract, and "Talomus"-A fortissimo toccatta from the bass clef

ABITURIENT: Having an anus of extraordinary beauty. From the Greek "Abita"-puckered brown eye, and "Turieos"-Comely one.

ABREUVOIR: Fr. Lit: "Bye until next Tuesday when I can have another go at that strapping johnson of yours."

ABSENTAMIOUS: Lacking the sense of smell. A condition frequently found in hog farmers.

ABTHANE: A sheep sheared to resemble a bonsai plant.

ABRA: The traditional black, lace-trimmed veil affixed to the ears of the bride at Welsh sheep weddings.

ABSTINISISM: The Druidic doctrine that abstinence from sex is preferable to taking the skin boat to tuna town. A draconian method of population control.

ABUNA: Oral sex given as full or partial payment of a monetary debt. Brit: A blow job to the vicar in lieu of quarterly tithing.

ABYSSOPLEGIC: One who experiences total paralysis of the anal sphincter. Considered a social handicap, making the sufferer eligible for disabilty payments. From the Latin: "Abyssa"-Down there, and "Oplea"-It's gone all limp.

ACANACEOUS: Organisms lacking an anus. Such species are generally considered a dead end on the evolutionary tree.

ACATALECTIGNOSTIC: One who understands the subtle differences between shit and Shinola. An Arkansas intellectual. From the Cherokee: "Acatalos"-Round eye who knows jack shit.

ACATAMATHESIA: Loss of sensation in the male genitalia. From the Latin "Acatamus"-Numb nuts.

ACCEPTILIATION: Grudging admission of the reality that one's teenage son will never be toilet trained.

ACRAPOPHOBIA: Irrational fear of being flushed down a toilet. Sufferers of acrapophobia usually reside in rural areas and are devotees of the outdoor privy.

ACARAPOUSE: A person lacking a carapouse. Common characteristic amongst Brasilian pygmies.

ACOULOTAROMETER: A mechanical instrument used to measure the speed of passage of a meal from the teeth to the anus. Largely replaced in modern gastroenterology by the electronic bogum.

ACCIACCATURA: 1. A difficult maneuver in flamenco guitar playing which often results in dislocation of the thumb. 2. Intentional dislocation of the thumb by someone pretending to be a flamenco guitar player.

ACAULESCENT: Having extraordinarily small testicles. E.g. "Shit, Homer, ma left nut's about the size of a pea, and the right one ain't hardly nothin' at all."

ACCESSIT: Motor driven device for removal of accumulated smegma deposits. Portable diesel-powered models have recently become available.

ACCINGE: To trip over one's own hemorrhoids. A condition usually alleviated by use of an abirutient (qv).

ACCIDIE: Scot. A prize for third place in an ovine beauty contest. Traditionally, a decorative leather earpiece.

ACCIPITRINE: Of fresh water mud sharks, toilet snakes, depth charges, U-boats, etc.

ACCISMUS: Accidental nailing or stapling of the foreskin to a redwood tree (Sequoia sempervirens or S. giganticus). A common industrial accident in the west coast timber industry.

ACCLOY: To masturbate while watching "Sesame Street." A common manifestation of latent pedophilia and/or senility.

ACCOLIBATION: Reclining on a couch with the head in a bucket of used beer or ale.

ACCORDICISM: The doctrine that sex is immoral unless conducted in the back seat of a Honda sedan.

ACCORHOLOGIST: A scientist who devotes his life to the study of rectogenital warts.

ACCIPITRINATE: To hobble livestock by nailing the scrotum to a tree stump.

ACCOST: In heraldry, two figures doing it doggy style. E.g. "A flaming sword, the scales of justice, a lion rampant and hippos accost."

ACCARACIDE: The removal of a tick embedded in the inside of the foreskin. Usually accomplished with a lit match or small butane torch.

ACCREMENTATION: Anal intercourse with a male sheep. Universally condemned and a felony in many areas, because it combines bestiality with sodomy. Legal in Australia, but an indicator of doubtful masculinity. E.g. "See here, cobber, we all likes a little ewe now and then, but I draws the line at accrementation. That Jock, he's nuthin' but a bleedin' poofter."

ACICULARIUM: An Australian urban gentlemen's establishment where a man can leave behind the cares of the city and have a refreshing "outback experience." The beer is served in filthy cups, and flies are everywhere. Wellingtons and sheep may be rented on an hourly basis.

ACEDIA: Swed. Motto of the legendary Swedish automobile industry: "Driving a Volvo can make a strong man Saab."

ACCIBUTUM: Large, decorative porcelain basin used by bilumics. Employed immediately following a heavy meal. From the Latin "Accium"- To toss and "Butus"-Cookies.

ACELDAMIA: A common affliction amongst nursing home residents in Arkansas. They experience sexual excitement from watching Minnie Pearl on reruns of "Grand Ol Opry" shows from the 60s.

ACERSECTOMATA: Scot. A topiary hedge trimmed in the shape of a sheep. Often used as a tacit signal to other ovinists.

ACERVULIN: A shelf in a garderobe shaft manned by armed guards in times of siege. Usually left unstaffed in peacetime.

ACERVULAE: Armed soldiers on duty at the acervulin (qv). Special wide-brimmed helmets were issued to those acting as acervulae. A necessary service during times of siege, but volunteers were seldom available. Duty often assigned by officers as punishment.

ACEROUS: The mood of a restaurant patron dining on Chef Alfredo's Special Italian Surprise. The "Surprise" is encountered by the diner in a mouthful of tasty lasagna containing a Bandaid which once covered a badly infected wound.

ACHAENOCARPIC: Indehiscent

ACERUMENEMIA: Absence of earwax in the blood.

ACINUS: Hemorrhoids which grow in clusters, like cherries. A much admired feature of feminine beauty in some Asian cultures.

ACOSMISM: Religion in which followers believe that communion with God can only be achieved while straining during a bowel movement. Skeptics contend that the "otherworldly" feeling is caused by lack of blood flow to the brain.

ACALOROPESIA: Excessive loss of body heat through the penis. May cause hypothermia in sub-zero temperatures. Battery heated penis sleeves have recently become available. From the Greek "Calor"-Heat and "Pesium"-Wiwi

ACOLOUTHIC: Pertaining to a retinal aberration in which the subject sees an animated scene of a naked 86 year old Za Za Gabor dancing the funky chicken. A life threatening condition in patients lacking a cast iron stomach.

ADACTYLOUS: Lacking fingers. Persons not qualified for membership in the Sons of Onan.

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To be continued...

Thank you for your attention.

Readers' comments always welcome.