The Fappening

"Hey Angel," a man yelled, "This ain't no damsel in distress. She's a man, man!" He finished on an incredibly dated Austin Powers accent and some in the crowd laughed slightly. I could feel Bella Radnor's shoulder droop against me. In fact, I could feel all the weight of...everything sitting on her. Once again I felt the familiar closeness I felt with Bella Radnor, the understanding that we were the same. But I also recognized that our positions were different. I had something she didn't. I still had the respect of the crowd. I turned and faced them.

"You all should be ashamed of yourselves!" I said, my voice coming out shaky and uncertain. I took a deep breath and got my breathing under control. I pretended I was acted. I pretended like the crowd around me was a bunch of extras. It felt better, "You all need to...get back to the convention. The show is over here. This is not appropriate. It is embarrassing for me and it should be embarrassing to you. Now stop it." I spoke with a strength that I really didn't know that I had inside of me.

I looked around. I saw several people looking abashed, maybe even ashamed of their actions. A handful of people looked back at me with cold, defiant eyes. But I kept my head up. Eventually, the crowd began to slowly disperse. I turned back to Bella Radnor. She was still crying and looked impossibly tired.

"Come on," I said without any real thought or plan, "I will take you to my room." And I led her out the back, towards the elevator.

* * * * *

Ten minutes later, Bella Radnor was sitting on the edge of my king-sized bed. Her legs were crossed at the knee, her left arm was crossed over her breast with her hand tucked into her armpit, and she was holding a rum and coke in her right hand. She was looking down at the floor. She hadn't spoken since we arrived, other than to ask for a sweet drink. I was sitting in a chair about five feet away, feeling nervous.

I really didn't know what to say. I certainly hadn't been expecting anything like this to ever happen. I mean I hadn't had any idea that I would ever meet Bella Radnor, let alone that I would meet her in circumstances like this or that she would be in my room! I was completely bowled over. After the adrenaline rush that had come with jumping into the fray with her in the convention center passed I was just...completely dumbfounded. Now she was here, safe from the crowd, and I didn't know what to do with her. Instead, the tension just kept building in the room.

I sipped my own coke, sans rum, and tried to think of something to do or say. Obviously, there were about six million things I wanted to do and say now that I had Bella Radnor next to me. I wanted to commiserate with her. I wanted to tell her that we were the same. I wanted to explain what she represented to me. But, of course, I couldn't do any of that. And so I sat silently. Finally, after a long while, Bella Radnor spoke.

"You're an actress right...the Angel television show?" she asked and I felt a chill run down my spine. She knew who I was! It was even better than the first time I was recognized on the street. It was perfect.

"Yeah...Yes," I said, I left my mouth open after I spoke, feeling like I should say something else, but nothing came out. Bella Radnor nodded and kept looking down.

"Save your money," she said and then shook her head. I nodded like a schoolgirl, trying to make brownie points with the teacher.

"Yeah...that's a good idea," I said.

"You make plans into the future based on income you think you're going to have, because you think it is going to last forever. But it can all go away overnight. I mean...there are different ways of losing it. It isn't all as dramatic as...well..." She grew silent again. I saw her take a deep breath and then let it out in a shuddering gasp.

"I'm sorry," I said, because I didn't know what else to say. She looked up at me now, her beautiful eyes wrapped in tears and her lips closed tightly.

"Why do you have to be sorry? My manager was the one who invested all my money in a fucking tech startup that went belly-up. All my money in one place. And now what? I don't have any income anymore. How's that your fault...Jayne?" she said, as though she had just remembered my name. I knew what she meant, she was just being bitter about her misfortune (which was apparently deeper than I'd realized) but I felt, somehow, like her question was really directed at me. What was my fault? Why should I be sorry? The words crashed into me now. I felt them cutting into me. I thought about all of the things I'd seen and the thoughts I'd had about Bella Radnor. About what she represented to me. And here she was, a real person, her pain evident to me now in a way that was only theoretical before. She wasn't just "what could happen to me" she was...what happened to Bella Radnor.

"I looked at the pictures," I said and I was sort of surprised that the words came out of my mouth. I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks and my throat instantly became dry. "I...uh...that's why I should be sorry. I was part of it. I knew it was wrong and I couldn't help myself," I said. I dropped my head. It just felt like...like I owed it to her for her to know that. I don't know if it made me feel any better. I doubted seriously it made her feel any better. But it needed to be said.

"Yeah well..." she said, not sounding particularly surprised, "Anymore, I just assume anyone alive in America has seen those pictures. If it had been someone else, I would've looked too. Hell, I've looked at earlier leaks. This time it was just...my turn and I was not in a position to weather the storm." I looked up again and saw Bella Radnor taking a drink from her glass. Her words came out bitter, but she just looked tired. "Do you have any pictures like that floating around? Something that could get leaked," she asked, suddenly turning her attention. I shook my head vehemently.

"No, absolutely not," I said honestly. She nodded and looked a little saddened, like she wished she could go back and have my confidence.

"I thought we'd deleted them all. My boyfriend...ex-boyfriend and I. He liked to take pictures before...well before we fooled around. He said he liked to capture the moment. And I let him, but I insisted that we delete them. He didn't mind. He probably wanted to keep them secret too. He's in the industry," I knew better than to ask who it was, though I probably could have deduced it if I wanted to. In fact, I knew that there was a kind of Hollywood guessing game going around, trying to figure out which celebrities that Bella had actually dated, to find out which Hollywood heartthrobs were "tranny chasers." Most of her exes refused to even comment, but the ones who did said that she was a prude, that they never had sex with her, that she said she was waiting until marriage. I wondered if that was true. Now I knew it wasn't.

"It's strange though, you know, very few people have even asked who took the pictures. Or who the pictures were stolen from. It's like I magically took a bunch of out-of-focus pictures of myself looking weird and unattractive," she said bitterly. She sort of tossed her hand in the air when she spoke like she was disgusted. I started to shake my head.

"I think you're beautiful, Ms. Radnor. You were beautiful before, you're beautiful now, and you were beautiful in the pictures...regardless of how terrible it was when they got out," I said. I wasn't really sure why. But it felt like...probably what I would have wanted to here in the same situation. Bella Radnor smiled wryly and looked at me.

"It's Bella. I called you Jayne after all. And thanks," she said. Bella. The name rattled around in my mouth for a minute. A person's name, an individual, rather than a label attached to an entertainment brand. It felt strange to have permission. Bella.

"Ok Bella," I said. We lapsed into silence again. After a while, Bella let out a long breath and then stood up. She paced around the room briefly. She stopped next to the television and then turned and looked at me.

"Well, Jayne," she said, "Thank you for getting me out of there. I guess I don't know what I was thinking. My thought process hasn't been very clear lately. I haven't been sleeping well. That could've gotten ugly. Really ugly. Thank you for that."

"I owed you at least that," I said. Bella's eyes narrowed.

"How do you figure you owed me anything," she said. I realized that she had no idea of how...important she had become to me. She didn't know the symbolic importance I placed on her.

"For uh...looking at the pictures," I said, "Now I guess we are kind of square." That seemed as good an explanation as any and she nodded. Still, I felt the guilt churning in my stomach, deeper and denser than I'd expected. I wasn't even really sure why.

"Well it meant more to me than that, really," she said, sounding somewhat grateful but more defeated than anything, "It has been...a hard couple of months. There haven't been a lot of people willing to go out on a limb to help me." She ran her hand through her long hair and took another sip of her drink.

"I'm not out anything," I said, feeling embarrassed, "I didn't have to go out of a limb." That was only partially true, I knew. But as far as anyone at the convention was concerned, I just did something nice for someone who was very much down on her luck. It didn't need to be anything more than that. "I was just doing what anyone would do."

"You'd think that. And then something like...this happens and you find out that there aren't a lot of people willing to do anything for you when you're a freak and a pervert. The guy who took the pictures, for instance, I'd been seeing him a long time. We were...well we were very close. And then all this blows up and he just...disappears. He isn't in any of the pictures. It's just me. So he gets to go on with his career and I get to take all of the...shit. You think you can trust someone in a situation like that. But when you're...like me, you can't trust anyone," She said. She stated it simply, like it was a fact. It didn't even sound like she was fishing for me to deny it; she was just broken by the weight of it. My heart felt like it was tearing open for her. I wanted to tell her...something that would make her feel better.

"It's going to blow over," I said, "I mean I know it's bad now. But...Americans like a comeback story. If you just lay low for a while, then when you come back...I mean people will pat themselves on the back for going to see you in a movie again," I said. I didn't know if I believed any of it. But it sounded true. It sounded like bits and pieces of things that I'd heard said about other celebrities. Celebrities on drugs, celebrities who'd committed crimes, celebrities who did far worse than anything Bella had ever dreamed of. Why wouldn't that strategy work for her?

"People will forgive a famous person for a lot of things. And give them credit for a bunch of things they don't deserve credit for. But nobody forgives someone for making them feel like a...queer. My fans were young males who liked to jack off to pictures of my tits, Jayne. The same people who watch your show. They aren't coming back now. They hate me more than they ever loved me," Bella said. I let out an audible noise but I don't think she noticed. It was just...she'd hit so close to home. Not only had she sort of pinpointed the exact spot where I was the weakest, but she was echoing fears that had been rattling around in my head since the data leak first appeared. She was independently confirming everything I was afraid of.

"Maybe they're gone. But I mean they will grow up also. Beyond that there are other audiences out there. So you lose this one. You take a break. And then you regroup and find a new one," I said. This was my back-up plan essentially. This is what I told myself I would do if I was ever caught the way that Bella had been caught. I looked at her hopefully. If she could believe it, then I could believe it. And if I could believe it then, maybe, I wouldn't have to feel terrified every minute of every day. I wouldn't have to worry all the time that someone was going to find out. I didn't have to know that my career could be over at any minute.

Bella snorted.

"Yeah my agent said the same thing. Saying I can make a living if I find a better audience and then he's out there renegotiating my contract for pennies on the dollar because he knows there isn't anything like that out there for me. Artsy types who'd see a movie with a transwoman playing a female lead don't go to see a superhero movie. And a movie that doesn't have a superhero or a number in it indicating it's a sequel doesn't make any money. I am not a great actress Jayne. I am good. I'm not going to be in any Oscar-bait movies. I was really good at what I did. And now all I am good for is maybe reality television or cameo in a spoof movie where I am a joke about myself," Bella closed her eyes as she spoke and rubbed her temple with her free hand. With her eyes still closed, she took another sip of her rum and coke.

"Times change. Audiences change. What seems impossible now can change in a matter of months..." I said frantically. I felt my heart thrumming because I knew that Bella had easily dismantled my back-up plan. There wasn't enough prestige work out there to begin with. And I wasn't...Meryl Streep or something. I was a comic book actress in a somewhat lame television show. If anyone ever found out, I'd be a joke...

"You sound like my fucking publicist. She was wrong too" Bella said, snorting derisively. I am scrambling now, trying to convince her so that I can convince myself that there is really something like hope out there in the future.

"Well I took some marketing classes in community college when I first came out here. You know so that I could do my own promotion before I could hire a publicist. I mean I remember some of the principles..." I started. I was trying to remember the things I'd half learned, ways to turn something bad into something good. I don't know why, it just felt like I needed to do this.

"Oh Christ, really?" she asked, interrupting me and suddenly sounding angry. She slammed her glass down onto the table next to the television and couple of ice cubes jumped up and skittered onto the carpet. The room rang with the echo and I was sort of surprised that the glass had held together. I was more surprised by this sudden change in attitude. Bella's eyes were wide and her lips were curled back. She looked really angry...The way I'd expected her to look when I'd told her I downloaded the pictures. I could feel the heat emanating off of her stare from several feet away. I sank back in my chair.

"Yes...It was only an intro level class..." I said, confused as to why this would make her angry.

"Intro level class, or lack of even that, sounds about fucking right. How could I be so fucking dumb? It had to be the shock...that's it," she said and then she swatted at the glass on the table, flinging it across the room. It landed with a cracking thud in the corner. I pulled my legs up onto the chair, more than a little scared. Bella's sudden mood swing made me uneasy. I knew she was under a ton of stress and I was not entirely sure that she was stable.

"I am not saying I am an expert or anything or telling you what to do..." I sputtered, "I am just trying to help."

"And why were you trying to help Jayne? Why did you help in the first place? Why did you jump into the fray downstairs?" she asked mockingly. She took a step forward and bent over at the waist, looking down at me in my chair.

"I just saw that you were in trouble you know...I didn't think that it was right," I said. I was confused now. Why, exactly, was she angry with me? She rolled her eyes as I spoke and shook her head. She put her hands on her hips, giving her a stern, authoritarian sort of look.

"Isn't that sweet!" she said, taunting, "You see a damsel with a dick in distress and, just like your television character, you jump in to save the day."

"It wasn't like that," I say, not sure why that would've been a problem. She didn't seem too proud for my help a moment ago.

"I know it wasn't!" she said and her eyes grew wider, more fiery.

"I just mean...like I said before, I wasn't out anything. I figure...you know...I am sort of famous and everyone there recognized me. They were all riled up but I could diffuse it because they would all know who I was," I said honestly.

"Then why'd you wait so long there, superhero?" Bella asked sharply. My mind was reeling now. How had this devolved into this strange cross-examination? I never in a million years would have expected this from a meeting with Bella Radnor. How had this happened? And why had I waited so long...there really wasn't an answer.

"I don't..." I sputtered after a few seconds.

"Well I do," she said, "you were waiting for the camera phones to pop out weren't you? Just fucking admit you...fucking piece of shit. You waited for someone to be filming didn't you?" I thought back to the crowd. Of course I had seen at least a dozen phones filming the altercation. Anytime I did anything I saw cameras. I hadn't even really been thinking about them.

"No...what?" I asked.

"Don't play dumb, you cunt" Bella yelled and I shrunk back further in my chair, "You saw a celebrity who is even more famous than you in the middle of a fucking meltdown today and you didn't do shit. And then you saw the cameras coming out and you realized this would be all over the television and all over the internet tonight. And then when you realized you could be the big hero you jumped in. You used your little marketing brain and you fucking used me, didn't you?"

"You're paranoid!" I shouted back. I finally understood what she was accusing me of and I was totally blown away. I hadn't even been remotely motivated by anything like a desire for fame. Until she'd just said that right then, I hadn't even really realized that it was going to be on television.

"Yeah, why the fuck would I be paranoid? Why would I, of all people, believe that people are out to use me and take advantage of me? Maybe if I'd been a little more paranoid before, I wouldn't be standing here right now!" Bella yelled. Even in my fear and my embarrassment over this misunderstanding, I knew that she had a point. Why wouldn't she be paranoid?

"Ok," I said, "I get that, but you have trust me...I really just saw a situation getting out of control and I tried to stop it. I don't care about the publicity...I wasn't even thinking about it. I didn't even realize that was going to be an issue until you said something about it. And I am willing to follow your lead on however you want to handle this. It isn't about me. I understand why you are...on edge but..." I was speaking about a mile a minute and stumbling over my words. My hands were moving frantically, trying to convey the content of my words. I couldn't tell if it was just the fact that I never like for anyone to be angry at me or if it was the fact that this was Bella Radnor, who'd I'd been dreaming about for months, and I had offended her. I had to make it right. But she was no longer listening to me. She cut in sharply.

"Oh you understand? Well isn't that fucking convenient. Let me tell you something Jayne Cataline, I understand you. Because I've been you. I've been the new up and coming little thing that everyone in Hollywood wants to hire and ever boy in America wants to fuck. I've been that and I know what a shallow, self-interested little prick it can turn someone into. So I fucking know where you're coming from and I can't even believe that I trusted you for a second. I let you...make me part of your publicity stunt. I should've decked you in the face when you came at me downstairs.

"But you sure as shit don't understand me. You said yourself you don't run the risk I run, you don't have those pictures floating around. You don't know what it is like to be humiliated by the entire fucking world. You don't know what it is like to have...who you are denied by disgusting strangers and to have your career shrivel up into nothing overnight. So don't tell me I should trust you. You don't know what it means to trust because you've never experienced betrayal."