The First Ninety Days Ch. 13

"Well," he said, "we could throw things at each other instead."

Isthat our only alternative? Well. We're in fine shape then, aren't we. It was a pleasant thought.

On Tuesdays her first class was Jazz Theory, followed a half-hour later by her harp lesson with Mrs. Sellitz. She had three and a half hours to kill. There were dishes to put away, clothes to wash, bathrooms to clean, but the thought of those things filled her with despair. When Jon was here they were painful but necessary chores, like paying the rent; but today she felt that steady foundation of his presence trembling under her.Is this what earthquakes feel like?—to know that the solid ground under you isn't actually, by any means, solid?

On impulse, she found herself calling Pastor Pendleton. "Hello, Pastor?... Yes, I've been doing all right... Thank you. Thank you, no, that wasn't... Actually, I was wondering if you were in your office today, I was hoping to stop by... Oh? Okay... Umm. Okay. I'll... I'll be right over."

Pastor Pendleton was going over some paperwork with his wife when she arrived, but no sooner had Caitlyn knocked on the door, it seemed, than they were done. "If you'll excuse me, I'll excuse myself," said Mrs. Pendleton. "Tons to do anyway. My youngest son Chris has a soccer practice tonight, andI'm supposed to bring the snacks. My one piece of advice to you, young missy: if you want to stay sane,never have kids."

"...Says the woman who prided herself on insanity in college," Pastor Pendleton remarked.

His wife leveled a finger at him. "Hey, mister. I know where you sleep."

Pastor Pendleton made an innocent look. "Just, doing my part to keep you humble."

"Keep it up, buster, and I'll be doingmy part to keep you chaste," Mrs. Pendleton threatened.

Her husband spread his arms. "Now, Amber. I am a minister of the Lord. And everyone knows that priests don't have sex." He grinned.

"Oh, really. And where, precisely, are you going to explain ourchildren came from?"

"You know, I've actually been meaning to talk to you about that for some time," said Pastor Pendleton. "But the thing is, I can never get around to it. Every time I try, you strip me naked and have your wicked way with me."

"Good thing, too," said Amber Pendleton to Caitlyn, "'cause if I'd left it up to him, wewouldn't have kids yet. Have a nice day, hubby." She rolled her eyes and swept out the door.

"So, Caitlyn," said Pastor Pendleton. "What can I do for you?"

Caitlyn had been staring, caught somewhat off-guard by this unabashed banter. But now she tried to remember why she was here, and everything came flooding back. She sat in a chair and tried not to feel miserable. "Umm... Nothing," she said, "nothing really. I just... Wanted to talk."

"Well, this is a house of the Lord," said Pastor Pendleton, moving to her side of the desk and turning a chair to face her. "Talk is something we do here. What would you like to talk about?"

Caitlyn opened her mouth, but no sound came out. "Umm. Well."

Pastor Pendleton tilted his head. "Why don't we try it this way. Good morning, Caitlyn. How are you?"

"I'm... I'm fine."

"How have you been? You're in church quite a bit, but we never seem to have a chance to talk."

"I'm... I'm doing okay."

"How is everything at home?"

"Oh, everything's... Great..."

"How is your husband doing?"

Caitlyn was starting to feel stupid, giving these halting non-answers to all his questions. "He's, umm... He's all right. He's at work right now."

"How are things between the two of you? Any arguments or problems coming up?"

"Umm... Well... There is... Something."

"I see. Would you like to talk about it?"

"I..." Yes, she would; she very much would like to. But... "I'm not sure what it is."

Pastor Pendleton must have been despairing to himself, but outwardly he simply smiled. "Well, that certainly helps narrow it down.

"I-I'm sorry, I know it..."

"It's okay, Caitlyn, I was joking. And, actually, we can approach it from that angle. Can you tell me about the problems youdo know about? If it's not those things, then that helps us narrow it down."

Caitlyn felt strangely guilty, telling someone else about her marital woes. She also thought that 'problems' might be an overstatement; everything was fine between her and Jon. ...Wasn't it? "Well... He's not... He's not as much of a Christian as I would like."

"How do you mean? For about the last year and a half, Caitlyn, he's been coming here with you; I can't think of many times off the top of my head when I've seen you here without him."

"I know, but... For him it's... It's the polite thing, you know? It doesn't mean anything to him."

"Does that make a difference on his behavior? Jon has always struck me as a very gentle, very caring person; and, from what I hear from other members of the church, such as Pastor Larson and Jerri Sloane, they think much the same of him. He's polite, personable, a good talker and a good listener; he's always patient and kind... At least, he is when we see him."

She recognized the opening, but it didn't apply to this situation. Jon was not two-faced like that; where he was concerned, what you saw was what you got. It was one of the things she loved about him. "No, it's not... It's not like that. He isn't... Hurting me or anything."Not even my bum. No matter how weird or uncomfortable it was, no one can deny that he was very considerate and loving about it.

"Okay. Are there any other issues that have come up?"

"Umm... Well, just... I mean, we talk, you know?"

"Always a good thing for a husband and wife to do," said Larry Pendleton with a straight face.

"And we... We come up with things that, maybe, we think, the other person could improve about themselves."

"Which could potentially cause some defensiveness," said Pastor Pendleton, "since there's always an element of judgment involved. Even if itis your husband or your wife, whom you love more than life itself, it can sting to hear that there's things you need to work on."

"Yeah, we aren't... There isn't, like, pressure or anything," said Caitlyn. "He's really good at that. But... The thing is, there's never... Well, I mean. If he says, 'Hey, have you ever tried it this way, you might be happier,' I'm like, you know, Sure, why not. But... WhenI suggest something..." She thought about her wish to be dominated.

"Mmm," said Pastor Pendleton, nodding. "That's one of the most difficult things to accept about being married, Caitlyn—or, indeed, about being alive. If Jon feels like he's an okay guy the way he is, then you just have to accept that. You can't make him change. You can only make himwant to change."

"I know, and... I guess heis okay the way he is."Except for not wanting to tie me down to the bed and have his way with me.

"Are you?" Pastor Pendleton asked. "Okay the way you are?"

Caitlyn thought for a moment. "I... Well, I knowJon would say I am. But... He's biased."

"Perhaps he is, but there are so many people biased against us in life; isn't it nice to have someone biased in your favor instead?"

"Yeah, I guess. But, I just... I mean, yeah, I know I can't make him change. And I knowhe doesn't feel like this is a bad thing. But, when I think about him in church and how he just... doesn't...Believe, it..."

"If he changed, you think it would be for the best."

"Yes."

"But... I don't know how to make him want to change. I just don't... He's socontent now. He thinks he doesn't need faith. And yet, every time he asks me to do something..."

"Oh? Does he expect you to bow to his whims?"

Caitlyn felt herself coloring. "No, he... He's always made it clear that... That if I'm not comfortable with something, or, or if I think I'd be better off without it, that... I can say no."

"And does he mean it?"

"Yeah, actually, I think he does," Caitlyn said, thinking back to Thursday and feeling her face color. "But...I always feel like..."

"Like you have to please him."

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"I... I don't know. It's just... Jon says it was trained into me, and I think he's right. And, it's one of the things he thinks I should change about myself."

"To beless willing to please? Since he's your husband and the main beneficiary of that trait, shouldn't he want you to stay that way?"

"Well, I don't think he wants me to be, like,contrary or anything, but he says... He says he worries about my willingness to put others first. He says I'm too willing to damage myself for the sake of others."

"Now,that I find to be a valid concern. Does it happen often?"

"I don't think so." She gave a humorless grin. "In fact, the one time I think it happened, it wasJon I was trying to please."

"Oh?" said Pastor Pendleton. "And, if I may ask, what was his pleasure on this particular occasion?"

Caitlyn felt her face flush.What did I just maneuver myself into? And yet she realized suddenly that this was exactlywhy she had come—for a second opinion, for outside advice, not just on her marriage as a whole but on her marriage in light of this new development. In light of Thursday. "He..." She took a deep breath, determined now to say this without stuttering. "He asked me if I would let him try anal sex on me."

Pastor Pendleton nodded. "Okay."

Caitlyn waited for him to say more, but he didn't. She realized the floor was to her still. "And, it... It wasn't... It was weird, but it wasn't, like... Unnatural. It didn't hurt or anything. I didn't feel like it was something I had to strain myself out of shape for. —Not physically, at least." She was fairly sure larger things had passed through that region at some point—though generally in the opposite direction.

"Physically it was all right then. Mentally?"

"Mentally... Well, I learned to relax a lot," she said with a humorless laugh.

"Spiritually?" Pastor Pendleton said.

That was the tricky question. "I... Well, I thought about it a lot. I mean, Jon didn't just spring this on me, he said it a while ago, and I did a lot of thinking. I know it's proscribed in the Bible, but—well, let's be honest, so is eating shellfish. When Jesus came to us, he gave us a new covenant, and the rules of the Torah don't apply to us anymore unless he specifically underlined them. And there's nothing in theNew Testament prohibiting sodomy."

"That much is true," Pastor Pendleton said.

"And, besides, it... Well, I think the best description of it would be a 'technical sin.' God says it's bad, but... It can be done without hurting anyone."

"In this life, at least."

"In this life, at least," she agreed. "And that was what I thought about the longest. In the end, I decided..." She hesitated. She wasn't sure this was the sort of thing you were supposed to say to a minister of God. "In the end, I decided that, if it would please my husband, I was willing to commit this sin. Not to be malicious, not to divorce myself from God, but... Out of love. I'm not saying I would murder somebody, or steal, or... Or something that would really, definitely hurt someone. Not even if Jon asked me to. But for this, which seems so technical, which some religions don't even condemn... That was a sin I was willing to commit, because I love my husband that much."

She felt tears stinging at her eyes again. She had cried too much today already; it wasn't even lunch yet. And yet these tears were not of self-recrimination. She was remembering how much she loved him. She was wishing she had him back.

"I think there is honor in that sort of love," said Pastor Pendleton. "And I think there is virtue in it as well. And sometimes I think we could use more people in this world who have your mindset—who understand the rules, and study them, and know that all of them have exceptions and that sometimes it's okay to step outside them for a while. We need more people who care less about mindless obedience and more about doing good—even if, on very rare occasions, doing good isn't the same as doing right."

She felt his hand on her shoulder, a fatherly gesture. When was the last time anyone had done that to her? Jon, probably, during the months of their courtship; certainly not her actual father, who would probably be threatening her with bodily harm by now.

"Do you regret it?"

"I... Don't, actually, not really," she said. "He... He said that he wasn't sure he would like it, that he just wanted to... Well, to try it and find out. We tried it. We found out. I don't think it's right for us."

"You believe it's a sin?"

"I have no idea if it's a sin or not," she said, maybe a little sharper than she'd intended. "But that's not it anyway. I don't care if other people do it,I just don't wanna. I just... What he and I did, when we were... Exploring that outlet..." Boy,that was more double entendre than she'd intended. "It wasn't... Loving. I mean, he was very kind and considerate, and he always stopped and made sure it didn't hurt and that I was comfortable with it, but, it was so... Detached. I don't think we could ever do... That particular activity... Without having to be, I dunno, clinical about it. Scientific. And that's not how we're called to be together, that's not how we were called to share our bodies with each other. That's not who we were meant to be.

"I love him, and I love making love to him, and if... If anal sex could be incorporated into that, um, into that activity, I would welcome it. Even if itwas a sin. And how could it be sinful, if it were strengthening our love for each other. If it was loving, I would be fine with it. But... Itwasn't about strengthening our love or our trust or our bond, it was just about... Sex. ...And, I mean, we do that sometimes too, where we really want..." She thought of the times when she lay beneath him as he hammered into her, or was taken from behind on her hands an knees—hearing the smack of his body hitting hers, feeling the raw wanton pleasure of their rampant hormones, driving each other on towards climax. "...Where we really want to have the pleasure of it, to feel those sensations which you don't get any other way."

Pastor Pendleton was nodding. "You want to have an orgasm. You really want to—please forgive the word, but it really is the most accurate term here—you really want to fuck each other."

She blushed to hear him curse, but he was right: 'making love' was too romantic, and 'sex' too scientific. In the word 'fuck' was a layer of pure raw sexuality that those other terms didn't have. If she treated it as a description and ignored the fact that it was a dirty word, it was completely accurate.

"And there's nothing wrong with that. Orgasm is part of the gift God gave us. And it's a mark of the trust and intimacy between the two of you that you can abandon yourselves with each other and indulge in such pleasure like that."

Caitlyn nodded. It underlined the point. "But, even at times like that... Even when we're... well.... fucking... It's something that makes us love each other more. We couldn't have it if we didn't love each other. We couldn't have sex ofany sort if we didn't love each other. And most of the time it'snot about chasing the orgasm, it's just about... Loving each other, and being close to each other, and sharing these physical sensations which are so intimate, because we've never shared them with anyone else... The orgasm almost doesn't matter. It's about making love.

"But when we were, um. Exploring that outlet..." Pastor Pendleton gave her a wry smile. "...it wasn't about love. It wasn't... It wasn't even fucking. It was just... Totally physical. It was just... Sex."

"And that's how you knew it was right for the two of you."

"Yeah. It was just physical sensation without the love underlying it, and... That's not what interests me. And I know that isn't what interestshim either. We were both virgins, and Iknow he could've changed that about himself if he wanted to. But he didn't. He said he wanted to find some woman to fall in love with, andthen have sex with her. When it meant something."

"When it reflected a strong emotional bond."

"Yeah. Why would he do that if all he wanted was just... The pleasure?"

"No good reason, unless he was totally incompetent with women. And I think we can rule that out." Pastor Pendleton smiled, and Caitlyn surprised herself by smiling too.

"Do you think less of me?" she said.

"Of you? Of course not," said Pastor Pendleton. "Caitlyn, everyone makes mistakes; that's something that's true of everyone who ever lived (with the sole possible exception of our Lord and Savior). And besides, I don't think this was a mistake. You and your husband decided to experiment with something, and found it wasn't to your liking. I'm sure the two of you have tried new things together before—both in and out of the bedroom—and that sometimes they just don't catch on."

That much was true. Though, to be fair, this was the first time they'd ever tried something that was going to be categorically ruled out; "But... If this wasn't a bad thing, why is it making a difference?"

"Is it making a difference?"

"It... I don't understand it. But... Ever since we tried it, there's this... Well, maybe not 'wall,' but... We're both more hesitant. He doesn't initiate sex as often,I don't initiate sex as often, we've barely had a real conversation since... When wedo have sex, it isn't... Neither of us gets into it."

"That definitely sounds like a problem," Pastor Pendleton said. "And you don't know what it is."

"That's why we started listing all these other things," said Caitlyn, without humor.

"And it's not any of those?"

"Not to my knowledge," said Caitlyn. "Of course, if we wanna start listing all the things Idon't know, that might take a while."

"Well, if some insight does occur to you, I'm always available," said Pastor Pendleton. But Caitlyn went home, got herself some lunch, and then went off to her harp lesson without any occurrence of that helpful flash-of-insight phenomenon. There wasn't anything from Jazz Theory, either; evidently there were to be no helpful comments from passersby or classmates to shed some light on the subject. She needed to get home and spend some time in prayer, but somehow she wasn't sure that would help either. God could be deeply inscrutable when He chose.

Jon didn't call during his lunch break, which was unusual; but then, it was a Tuesday. Maybe he remembered she'd be in a lesson. Hedid call as she was leaving the Jazz Theory classroom. "Hi, sorry I didn't call earlier, I didn't get my lunch break until now."

"It's all right."

"So, um... Any thoughts on what's going on?"

"Not really. You?"

"Not really. But I've been busy. I mean, I just got my lunch break."

"I went to talk to Pastor Pendleton."

"Really? Man, I wish I could've come. He's a good guy to talk to."

"Yeah."

"Didhe have any ideas?"

"No."

They talked a little more, but it wasn't really a conversation, and when they hung up she felt like nothing had changed.

It wasn't until Caitlyn had gotten home and was applying herself to her homework in a desultory fashion that the next phone call came. It was from a voice she hadn't heard for a couple weeks. "Hi, this is Harold."

"Oh! Umm. Hi, Harold. How are you?"

"I'm really good, thanks! How are you? How was your Valentine's Day?"

"Oh, it was... Really good. We went out to a fondue place, which I'd never done before, so, that was fun." In light of the more traumatic events, it was sometimes hard to remember that Thursday had actually been fun. At least, before the trauma started. "Umm... How about you?"