The Fundamentals of Friendship Pt. 01

"That's it, Ry. You're doing it." She said with a satisfied smile. To me, it felt like we were trying to dry-hump while standing at a 90 degree angle. All that sex talking was getting to me. "Now let's move your duck feet. One to the left, one the right. Like this."

She stepped back with her hands still on me and moved her feet, showing me what I was supposed to do. I knew well enough what I was meant to do because she'd given me that same lesson a thousand times before. And a thousand times before I had failed at it. Be that as it may, I wasn't about to stop her. Any excuse to be this close to her was welcome.

Laura's body touched the full length of mine again, and by some miracle (and her hand still on my ass) I managed to 'dance' without hurting her feet. I was hardly breathing afraid to lose my rhythm.

"Look at you, Mr. Duck Feet! You're dancing!"

I looked at her face and any concentration I had on the dancing was drained by her beaming smile. Without even acknowledging it at first, I leaned over and kissed her.

Laura's breathing changed with surprise, but she kissed me back, nonetheless. I was afraid maybe she'd pull away and say 'Oh, no! We can't because of Rocco!' but she didn't. Instead, her hand down south squeezed and all the effort I had put into not getting hard while she rubbed her hips against me, vanished. Her other hand grabbed my hair when my tongue entered her mouth, enjoying her receptiveness.

I kissed her for a long time. I kissed her until she was moaning, breathless. And when she drew back for breath I weaved my fingers through her curls and brought her mouth back to mine, then kissed her some more. I kissed her to let her know I had missed her like hell. I kissed her to let her know I loved her and sex wasn't all I wanted from her. I wanted cinnamon smelling mornings everyday.

"Wow." She drew back gently, standing at arm's length from me, flushed and breathing raggedly. "Somebody missed me." She glanced down between us, to the obvious hardness constricted by my jeans.

"Well, you shouldn't have grabbed my ass."

Her lips quirked up a little. Not quite in a smile, though. My glasses were hanging askew on the bridge of my nose. She straightened it, then removed her hands from me completely.

"Riley." That was it. She said my name the exact way she did it just before we broke up some fourteen years ago. Nothing good ever followed that tone of voice. "I'm not sure we can do this." She added, standing at least five feet away from me.

"Rocco?" Stupid question, Riley. Of course it's about Rocco. Bet your chips on it.

"He's coming here." She sounded almost apologetic, as if she owned me the explanation. I guess she kind of did. "Next month."

I could just tell her.

Tell her you've always loved her and fuck this Rocco. Tell her before he comes here and makes her fall in love with him, Riley. Tell her!

"He's coming, like...to stay?"

She shook her head. "Not really. He's got some business here, I guess. It will be just a visit."

If it's just a visit why can't I touch you?

I glanced down at my feet, clicking my tongue. "You guys are gonna try the long distance thing?"

The way she regarded me made clear she understood what was implied in my question. Long distance hadn't worked for us when we were crazy in love with each other and only a country away. How could it work for her and some guy she met a month ago who lived an ocean away?

"I don't really know, Ry. I mean, I think I'd like to-"

She didn't finish that sentence. A sharp sound made her jump. Her kitchen timer announcing my pie was ready. Suddenly, I didn't feel like eating it anymore.

Laura turned her back to me and removed her pie from the oven. Antiseptically, as if on autopilot, she set two plates, two forks and the steaming pie on the table. She didn't even wait for it to cool down a little. She just cut two slices off of it, burning herself on the process, and lay a piece on each of the plates.

I stared down at my apple pie slice, inhaling the scent of cinnamon it gave off.

"Do you ever think about the future, Riley?"

I raised my eyes from my plate to see Laura sitting on the chair next to mine holding her refilled wine glass.

I had to ponder that. This kind of existentialist questions invariably had the same kind of answers. "I guess so. Doesn't everybody?"

She shook her head slightly. "That's not what I mean, Ry. I mean, do you ever think about your future? What you want your life to be like some five years from now."

I forked a piece of pie. It was still hot enough to burn the roof of my mouth. I opened it wide pulling air in. Laura was gazing intently at me with an unsettling seriousness. I tried a chew or two and swallowed the hot pie. It went down burning my throat. I sipped my beer to cool my pipe down before I answered her.

"Not really, Ells." I said with sincerity. "I'm just leaving one day at a time."

She cast her eyes down, swirling the burgundy liquid in her glass. There was some transient insecurity in her eyes that made her bite the corner of her lip.

"I want to have a baby, Riley." Her voice was small enough that I almost didn't understand her. Actually, I thought I had misunderstood her.

"WHAT?" I asked her flabbergasted and too loudly, like a man with hearing problems.

Still staring at her drink, she shrugged almost apologetically. "I want a baby."

It was lucky I didn't have a piece of pie in my mouth in that moment, because I would've choked. Even without it, I did choke. Externally, I was paralyzed, only my brain was hollering at me.

There's another chance, Riley! That's your last! Seize it! Tell her! NOW, you idiot!

Laura's voice was even lower as she continued, unaware of my shock. "I'm a woman, you know. I'm not getting any younger. The clock is ticking for me." When she brought her eyes up to meet mine I tried my best to put on a neutral expression. "I want to have someone and I want to be a mother before it's late."

As her best friend I was supposed to say something supportive back. I couldn't though. It never crossed my mind she had been feeling that way. Of course, not. I selfishly tended to think of Laura as an extension of myself. I wasn't contrary to the idea of having a family one day. However, that wasn't something occupying my mind at the moment.

Silence stretched for a while, until I physically made my mouth form words.

"Why are you telling me this now, Ells?"

Laura made another short pause to bite at her lip. She always did that before telling me something she was afraid to voice.

"I like Rocco, Ry. I really do."

Oh, man. She likes him and she wants a baby. You're in deep shit, Riley.

Under the table, my hands clenched into fists. "You're thinking..." An unwanted humorless laugh escaped my lips. "You think Rocco might be the guy?"

"Maybe." Uncertain. Apologetic. "I don't know. But I like him and I like liking him." Her eyes didn't meet mine when she spoke. That was for the better. Not even with all the will in the planet could I have disguised the expression on my face.

Why does she sound so sorry for wanting what she wants?

Laura was behaving like a child telling a parent about some naughty thing they'd done.

Why didn't I know she wanted babies? Shouldn't I have known? Am I not her best friend? Who the fuck would know her better than I?

My forehead was already tense from my furrowed brows when her voice finally reached my ears.

"Riley? You there?"

I was getting what I deserved. I had years to tell her. Years. Now we were both on that age where casual sex became a senseless activity and serious adult urges replaced the need to have some fun. Stupidly, I hadn't bothered to worry myself over such things. I had her. Her body. I had a good life. I had more money than I had expected to gain with a degree in English. I was young, I was living the life. Why would I worry about children and the future? Why wouldn't I think sporadic sex with me would be enough for her forever? Why would I think she'd meet some perfect guy in Europe? Beautiful as she was?

Yeah, Riley. Guess you thought you two would be doing this friends with benefits routine until you were 80 years old, you idiot.

"Rocco's older than I." Her voice was underlined with unmistakable guilt. Like when we were children and she'd tell me she'd eaten the last cookie. It was clear she felt like she owed me that explanation. "He's got this maturity I envy. He's been married once. He's seen a lot. Been to a lot of places. He's handsome, he's smart, he's kind. He's just...He's perf-"

"Perfect, yeah. You've said so." I didn't mean to sound so bitter, except it couldn't be helped. Every time she mentioned this Perfect Rocco a sort of antagonistic feeling seized me. I saw him as the enemy. The competition.

"I'm not sure I can afford to wait any longer. I have to actually start searching for the things I want rather than just expect them to fall out of the sky. Look at Soph! My younger sister beat me to it. I'm wasting time and viable eggs here." She gave me a wan smile I wasn't able to return. "You're the last man I loved. You're also the first. And I'm almost 36 years old, Riley. Soon enough children won't be a viable option for me."

She sounded embarrassed to say those things to me. I thought she told me everything. She did tell me everything. Why hadn't I heard about babies before?

She was afraid, Riley. Maybe she didn't think you'd understand.

Was that it? Did she think I wouldn't be able to understand her? To support her?

Well, you do have sex with her. Maybe she thought you'd feel pressured into having this baby yourself.

That's nonsensical.

I had always been her best friend, since forever. She always came to me with her problems. I had always listened to her, helped her even when I didn't know how.

She had also said she wanted someone. Not just to have a baby, but to have someone.

That someone could be you, man. Just fucking TELL HER!

"I thought you hated kids." She usually wasn't very fond of the little things.

She gave me a roll of her dark brown eyes. "I hate other people's misbehaving children, Riley. I won't hate my own child."

I nodded. The only reaction I could manage.

It was unfathomable to me that Laura, someone I had known for over 20 years, was feeling something so deep and so personal without me knowing about it. I, who could tell her mood by her breathing. I, who could hear her unspoken thoughts by her smiles. Me. Riley. Her first love. Her best friend.

You, who is in love with her. You who didn't even know what was going on in her head.

I opened my mouth not knowing what I was going to say until I said it. "I want you to get everything you want from life, Ells." I reached for her hand, resting on top of the wooden table. "I only want you to be happy. If having a baby with Rocco is going to do that, then have a baby. I'll support you. I always do."

Laura's eyes flashed with something that looked to me like disappointment. It happened way too fast for me to judge all the meaning in that look though.

As her friend I said what I was supposed to say. What I thought I was supposed to say, anyway. As a man who loved her, I was only bullshitting myself. I wanted her to be happy. More than anything I wanted that. Though a darker, more selfish part of me wanted her to be happy with me. Being mine. And mine alone.

"I'm not saying it has to be with Rocco, Ry. I'm not even sure he's really coming here. It's just that meeting him got me thinking about what I want for my life."

There was a kind of big-eyed expectancy in her face. She seemed to be crestfallen. And that sense that she was trying to apologize for something wouldn't leave me alone.

Once again I felt neglectful of her as a friend. I'd been so consumed in my wanting her, as a man, I had failed to dig deeper into that little change I had noticed in her a while back.

She was right about not getting any younger. None of us was getting any younger. He'll, we'd be arriving in middle age land soon. And she was a woman, too. If I got the itch, I could sire children at the age of 70, provided that the guy downstairs didn't let me down. Laura was enslaved to her natural condition.

For the second time, I opened my mouth to say one thing and said another completely different from what I needed to say.

"Ells, just do what you think you need to do in order to be happy. I'm not sure I would have this courage, you know." I laughed a nervous, ridiculous sound, horrified at myself when I heard Laura's apologetic tone mimicked in my voice. "I know nothing about babies, but I promise I'll be the best uncle in the world."

She removed her hand from mine, preferring to hold her wine glass instead. The smile she forced herself to give me was a little down at the corners. "Yes. I'm sure you'd be a wonderful uncle, Ry."

"Yeah."

None of us said anything else in the moments that followed. With every tick of the clock I felt more and more uncomfortable. The sensation was foreign to me. Especially around Laura. She was my safe place. My home. Who I could always feel good being myself with.

What the fuck just happened?

Why do I feel so wrong?

Why do I feel like saying that I'm sorry? Why?

Because you just lost you last chance, Riley. That's why.

To shut my mind up I ate my pie tastelessly, chewing it out of obligation for all the trouble she went through to make it. We made small, awkward talk with long, uncomfortable silences in between. She told me about the things she'd seen in France, subtly not mentioning Rocco anymore. I told her about the progress I was making with my book, the sci-Fi convention I had been obligated to attend until we finally reached the point when it wasn't socially rude for me to say I had to go, making up an excuse that was plausible, if not good.

"I have to wake up early tomorrow. I have a meeting with Andrew. He wants to know how book 7 is going."

"Oh, right. We're in book 7 already. Have you killed Laura yet?"

She smiled so forcefully up at me I had to fight a sudden urge to kiss her with all the tenderness I could muster. She was only faking that smile for my sake. So I wouldn't worry or feel bad about leaving her.

"No. I plan to give her a romantic interest. There are some sex scenes involved, too. It makes her death more tragic if I do it after she experiments a little happiness. You know, the calm before the storm."

"Yeah, I know."

Contrasting strongly with the tipsy, dancing woman she had been when I first arrived, Laura was now melancholy. Her eyes were somehow larger, glossy. Widened as she fought against the itch to cry.

"I really have to go, Ells." I lied a little. Or a lot.

What kind of friend was I? I could stay, but I doubted I could've helped her. Somehow I knew that if I stayed we would inevitably end up naked on her bed. As much as I would like that, I knew it'd be very, very wrong after all the words passed between us.

"I'm glad you came, Ry. I really did miss you."

I pushed up from my chair, pulled her to her feet and hugged her. Her lips pressed against the skin of my neck. Her arms were tight around me. She exhaled a shaky breath and I could've sworn I felt the wetness tears on my skin.

"I love you, Ells." I said in her hair, idiotically wishing she could understand what I meant.

She pulled away. Sad smile and dry eyes. "I love you too, R.L Fitzgerald." And I wished that meant so much more than it did.

I left accompanied by a sense of foreboding, leaving Laura listening to Ella sing one of my favourite songs.

"Yeah, Riley. You got it bad and that ain't good." I muttered to myself. "It ain't good, at all."

***

Here's what I understand about being in love with someone you cannot (or maybe can, but don't) have. Me being one of those rare creatures who only ever truly loved a single woman his entire life: You will take 'em as you can get 'em.

After college, when I came back home, I thought maybe Laura and I would pick things up where we had left them. She was dating some unimportant guy, but I just thought maybe she'd ditch him for me. After all I was me. The one to whom she had said when we broke up "It doesn't matter whether we're together or not. I love you anyway. I always will because you're the love of my life."

Well, my hopes proved to be hopeless, because she dated the guy for a full year after we graduated. In that time I dated other girls, too. I wasn't going to sit like a jealous idiot waiting for her.

But I also never told her I wanted her back. I just hoped, silently, she would came up to me and say "Hey, Riley. I still love you like crazy. Let's get back together."

So I guess you could say we not being together presently was both our faults. Mine for being lazy. Hers, for not giving me a window when I had the courage to jump in.

We moved on with our lives. As friends still because, no matter who was in love with whom or who had broken up with whom, I needed her in my life. I was used to having her around like the air I breathed. I had to call her every new idea I had for my books. She had to tell me about every interesting thing that popped into her head. We just had to talk. We loved one another. Romantically or not.

I wasn't surprised in discovering I was good at being just Laura's friend. Even when we were an actual couple I'd been her best friend. Friendship was something extrinsic to our sexual relationship.

For years we worked wonderfully as friends. I wasn't even aware I was still in love with her. Most of the time I could see, being the man I am, that she was a beautiful, sexy woman and I was attracted to her. How could I not be? Though my love for her was dormant, I still loved her. And I knew I did. But I thought I only loved her as I friend. That the heart wrenching, passionate love I had for her as a teenager and young man had morphed into a kind of brotherly affection, however incestuous. I was proved wrong when we (she more than I) had one too many on my 30th birthday. I still suspect she put something she shouldn't have in my cake.

She'd been drunk that night. As drunk as I've ever seen her and Laura's the girl who taught me how to drink. However particularly vulnerable to wine she might be, she is known to hold her liquor. That night, though...

I wasn't as drunk as her. I hadn't even touched the cake. I wasn't a cake person. She had only made it for the symbolism. Blowing candles and all that shit. Anyway, I remember everything about that night. Unlike her I know exactly how we ended up waking up in the state we did. Next morning, when she had asked me what had happened though, I had told her "I have no fucking idea."

Once again I had the silent hope she'd come to me. Ask me to try again. Ask me to be hers. She didn't.

But hey, you'll take 'em as you can get 'em.

I felt bad after that. A little like I had taken advantage of her. She's Laura, though. She can take care of herself. To be honest, she's the one who can take advantage of me if she decides to. More than bad or guilty, though, I had felt stupid. Stupid for not realizing how much I still wanted her. How much I still loved her. Otherwise I could've very well stopped her when she threw her drunk self at me that night, asking me to kiss her.

Second time we slept together none of us had been drunk. Not too much, anyway. Just lonely, perhaps. I sure as hell was. Furthermore she'd been so damn beautiful that night, at her sister's wedding, I'd have to be made of ice not to want to kiss her. Once my feelings for her had resurfaced when I thought they were inexistent, I caught myself constantly wanting to kiss her, or touch any part of her I could get my hands on.