The Girl Of My Dreams

I could see that the flurries were getting heavier. The shrouded sun was just setting and already the road was getting a coating of white. I began to realize I'd made a mistake.

In desperation I'd just spent a weekend skiing in central Vermont, trying to escape the dull ache in my heart, even though I knew I was taking a chance on making it worse. It was the first time I'd ever gone skiing without Katie. I met her almost seven years ago, married her a year later, and very quickly I realized, despite all the warnings from everyone who knew her, she really was the girl of my dreams.

We'd taken up skiing together, looking for a winter activity we could both enjoy, and as it turned out we really got into it. So this weekend, I thought I'd see if I could do it without her. The combination of cold air and the concentration required when schussing down a slope at 30 miles an hour actually worked pretty well, and for the first time in months I was able to enjoy myself a little.

But though the forecast for today had been flurries by afternoon they actually started in mid-morning. By one o'clock I was having trouble seeing, a real danger when skiing, and the sun was just a bright spot in the sky. So I headed to the lounge in the area's base lodge for a sandwich and a beer, hoping the snow might let up. But the flurries kept coming, and I nursed a second beer before the long drive home. And that's when the memories came flooding back.

We met at the Summer Outing, a picnic the insurance company we worked at threw for its employees every year. Since we were both alone, not having brought a spouse or friend, we got paired up in the three-legged race. And we won! Which of course meant we had to celebrate with a beer or two, and by the end of the day we both had a little buzz and had become good friends!

I don't know what Katie saw in me, but there's no doubt what attracted me to her. She was a Knockout! Long reddish-blonde hair and a body to die for! It was easy to see from her well-filled t-shirt and cut-off shorts that she kept herself in great shape. And to top it off, she had the most amazing personality. It was like she glowed! I never met anyone so easy to get along with. It wasn't just me; she was at ease with herself, which meant she took everyone else in stride.

The company had bussed us from the city to the resort, and on the ride home Katie and I had ended up in the back seat, intentionally, without even discussing it. We made out all the way back to the parking lot. And when she asked if I wanted to stop at her apartment for another beer it was the most exciting thing I'd ever heard a woman say!

The fact is, I hadn't heard many women say anything, I was just 21 then, fresh out of college, and with almost no experience socially. I'd been a day student and therefore never involved in the campus life. For some reason, it seemed you were an outsider, even though you attended the same classes.

It turned out, Katie was five years older at 26, and was very vague on her background when I asked, but she did say she worked in the department next to mine as a secretary and clerk. That first night we really didn't go very far, just some heavy petting, which, of course, left me just about frantic. But when I asked if I could see her again she said yes eagerly. And when I asked about the next day that was fine with her!

On the third date I finally made it to bed with her, and from there on the course was written in stone. I was in love. Of course after that I met some of her girlfriends and then her parents. And from the beginning, the reaction of all of them to me was a little odd, especially when they found out we were dating regularly. I'm sure they saw how I felt about Katie and it wasn't that they didn't like me, but I got subtle warnings from them about her. And as time went on, not so subtle.

She had one very close friend, Susan, and one day when Katie was tidying up the apartment, which was where I lived by then, she took me aside. She gave me the strangest look and said, "You really love her, don't you." When I nodded yes she went on, "Robbie, you're a really nice guy, and I know you are wonderful to her. And I know she's in love with you too. But please! Before you go too far, make sure you know everything about her. Make her tell you."

I was a little stunned by that statement, but when I asked what she meant her only answer was, "That's not for me to say. The only one who can do that is Katie. I just hope for both your sakes she gets up the courage to tell you."

I just sat and looked at her. I couldn't imagine what secret my sweet dear Katie could be hiding. I already knew she'd had a lot more experience that I did, and that turned out to be a very good thing in bed. But when I told her how great she made me feel she just smiled and said, "I've had quite a few boyfriends. None like you though honey, don't worry." And I was content to let it go at that.

She really was a terrific sex partner. Sometimes I felt like she was the teacher and I was the student, and she always had something new for us to try. But she made it so easy that I was a fast learner. Our sex life was better than I'd ever dreamed of. And the one thing she always made a big deal about was that I had a big cock, how much it satisfied her and how much she loved it! I'd always figured it was a good thing, but until I met her I never realized how good!

There was nothing that she couldn't or wouldn't do. With a little struggle she could deep-throat me and did, eagerly, then told me how much she loved my cock buried in her throat. And it wasn't long at all before we tried anal sex, and when I found out I liked it she was actually pleased! And some of the positions! I joined the gym she went to just to keep up with her! And we both enjoyed working out together, in the gym and then at home. As I got stronger she showed me more and more ways we could make love. God, it was so exciting; something new and challenging and fun all the time! Life was good.

Of course I'd been in love with her almost since the beginning, and not just for the sex either. That was a wonderful bonus. It was her personality and the way we matched up. We just hit it off great from the very first day.

Anyway, it wasn't too long before I knew this was the girl I wanted to settle down with. How could I even think there could be something better? And I never for a moment got the idea she didn't feel the same way. But way back in my head Susie's words nagged at me.

Christmas was coming and we'd been together about six months, and I thought of popping the question then, but I didn't want to rush her and things were so good between us I saw no need to push. So instead, I spent a month's salary on a necklace and a weekend at a four star hotel, which I kept a secret from her.

When Christmas Eve came I took her to dinner and gave her the jewelry box and a silver envelope with information about our lover's weekend, and she just stared at me for a moment. I was hoping she wasn't disappointed, since there was clearly not a ring box included, and I began to think she was expecting it. But she opened the envelope first, and when she saw the hotel info her eyes lit up. She loved the idea, and was excited about it.

But then she opened the box and saw the diamond and jewel encrusted necklace, and suddenly her demeanor changed. She looked like she might cry, and not with joy. "Robbie!" she said. "It's too much! I don't deserve things like this!" And then she did cry.

If I could I'd have willingly given her ten times as much and I told her so, but it didn't seem to cheer her up. She got it together and we made it through dinner ok, but it was not as much fun as before. And as we were about to leave the restaurant she said, "Robbie, there's something I have to tell you, and don't dare let me go to bed without doing it. It's been way too long already." And we drove home in silence. But now both her words and Susan's were ringing in my ears.

We got home, got our coats off and I got us a couple of beers, hoping she would loosen up a little, but the silence was deafening. So I took a deep breath and asked her, "Baby, what do you need to tell me? You know I love you, and nothing could be so bad it will change that."

By the time I was done speaking she already had tears in the corners of her eyes. I took her hand and led her to the couch, and we both sat, but she left a little space between us.

"Baby," she said, "you know I love you too, more than I ever imagined I could. But I feel so guilty I can hardly live with myself, because there's something I never told you about me and you should have known it right up front. But the more I knew I liked you ... then loved you ... the worse the thought of telling you got."

"You know I love sex, and with you it's the best it's ever been for me. We go together so well, and with your big cock you satisfy me more than anyone ever has. You are so wonderful to me I trust you completely; just being with you excites me." She smiled just a bit. "And I love the way you can throw me around now, show me I belong to you!"

"But from the time I blossomed, around 14, I was sex hungry; almost obsessed with it! I lost my virginity at 16 to the captain of the high school football team, and by the time I finished school, a lot of the rest of the team had slept with me too!"

Needless to say, I was a little shocked by that, but she'd told me she'd had lots of boyfriends, and I assumed that's what she meant. I took her hand and said, "Honey, I know you've had a lot of experience, you told me that. And with all the things you taught me I would have had no doubt anyhow. But that was when you were a teenager! And since the first day we met I've never seen you even glance at another man, not once! Whatever you did then just made it better for us now!"

I was hoping that would get a smile out of her but it didn't. In fact she looked like she was about to bawl. She had a hopeless look on her face as she started, "Oh god Robbie, I wish that was the end of it, but it's only the beginning! Once I graduated I didn't have as many men around me anymore, but my need hadn't lessened a bit."

"I wasn't old enough to go to bars and I tried all sorts of things to meet guys just to spend the night with them and get a good fucking! But that wasn't regular enough to suit me either, and some of those times were pretty dismal. I was frustrated beyond belief, and I had to masturbate regularly; I even collected a whole box full of toys, which I had to keep hidden from my parents, because I still lived at home. Finally, at 20, I couldn't stand it any more and I moved to California."

The only way I can describe the look on her face then is "haunted". And I couldn't imagine what could be so bad. She sniffled a couple of times and almost lost it, but then she took a deep breath and went on.

"I met some pretty wild people right away, and got into partying and all sorts of crazy shit. And I got noticed. Because I was so damn out of control! And before I knew it, I had a career. Robbie, for three years I was ... I was a ... Oh fuck! I was a Porn Star!"

She let out a sob loud enough to be heard in the next apartment and collapsed against my chest, rivers of tears streaming down her face and her body convulsing with heart-rending cries. Before, I had been a little shocked, but now I was truly stunned. I put my arms around her and held her lightly, but my mind was on another planet, trying to digest what it had just heard.

Finally, when the sobbing had abated just a bit, she took some deep breaths, and slowly, in the most sorrowful voice imaginable and almost choking on the words, gasped out, "Robbie, you are the best thing that ever happened to me, maybe the only good thing. And I'm such a rotten miserable piece of meat now I don't deserve to even talk to you! No one like you should have to spend five minutes with me. That's why I couldn't tell you; I was selfish and I didn't want this to end. But I've let you get too close to me and now I know I've hurt the only man I've ever really loved!"

At that point I didn't know what to say, I had no idea how I even felt! Our life together had been such a polar opposite from what she had just told me I couldn't make any sense of it. The only thing that matched was the love of sex and her skills, but while she had been with me it had been a beautiful thing between us.

Finally I asked, "Katie, you said three years, but that's three years or more ago now. How ... why did you get out? And what's happened since then?"

She lifted her head from my tear-soaked shirt just long enough to look at me for a moment, her make-up and hair now plastered all over her face and making her look like a zombie. "When I first got into the business I loved it! It was the first time I ever got enough sex and big enough cocks! I was never a starlet – they liked me so much I was featured in just about every video I ever made!"

"I really went crazy then, and agreed to do every scene of any kind they could think of, no matter how depraved and disgusting. The only days I didn't work were my period, and even then, sometimes I managed to find some guy to do it with. The men in that business are mostly pigs. I got into the dark side of porn pretty quickly. About the only thing I never did was sex with animals! And if they'd asked ... I don't know, I just don't know!"

"But after a while some of people and the things we did revolted even me. There were things I could never tell you or anyone about! I'm too ashamed. And I began to get hurt. They did things to me. And my body always had bruises, sometimes even burns, and cuts and scrapes from ropes and whips and things. I finally realized, no one gave a damn what happened to anyone else. And especially, the men are disgusting! They'll do anything they think makes a good show, and not worry about what happens to you. Hurting someone means nothing, it's part of the game. And it makes them look good. It's even more competitive for the men than the women."

"I began to lose interest in acting and even sex! I had gotten so stretched out and hurt so often I could hardly even feel anything anymore, or wanted to. And sometimes I kind of hurt inside so I went to a doctor and he told me that I'd been pounded so hard by so many big dicks I was messed up and probably can't even have kids! I started taking stuff just so I could still perform. Not hard drugs, stimulants and pain pills. But it wasn't until then that I could break free. I woke up one morning and thought, I just can't do this any more! And I quit, cold turkey; packed up my bags and ran home to momma. But mom and dad knew by then what I'd been doing and were only interested in helping if I lived by their rules. I had earned plenty of money, some would say I was rich, but somehow, I knew by then that my parents way was the right way."

"So I went from the most depraved slut imaginable to living like a nun. And for a long time that was fine. I thought I would never want sex again! But of course, my body betrayed me. Little by little desires and cravings came back. But the idea of looking for a man was unthinkable! I was terrified that if I did it even once I'd end up back like I was. So I resorted to toys again, and it wasn't satisfying, but I got by."

"I managed to get my job. Even with my background the company we work for took a chance on me and I've worked so hard to prove they were right! Living at home I really already had enough money that I didn't have to work, but I wanted to get out on my own, in an apartment."

As she talked she was finally able to stop crying, although she was still shaking, her breath coming in deep gasps. And then she looked up at me, like a swimmer going down and crying for help. "Robbie, every word I've told you is the terrible truth, and I know you have to believe it because I couldn't make it up. Now I beg you to believe one other thing. From the time I left Los Angeles you are the first man I have ever been with. The first one I've even touched!"

"Getting the job did me a world of good. I guess I've always been naturally outgoing, and being in the office allowed me to at least associate with people again, as part of my job, and I began to feel better. I realized that if I was going to live any kind of life I couldn't be a recluse. And that's why I went to the Picnic."

"And things changed when I met you. The girls from the office practically forced me to enter that race, they signed me up! And we just got paired up by luck. But when we actually ran it we had to be pretty close together, hanging on to each other and working together, and I guess I had been starving for physical human contact, even though I'd totally repressed the thought. And you know we got along good right from the start and I had a great time! You weren't looking for anything from me. And, baby, the truth is, you were so innocent! I just knew I had nothing to be scared of with you!"

"And when we got in the dark back seat of that bus, all the feelings and desires that I'd known as a teenager came back. Not memories of the days in porn. That still sickens me! But when I was 16 and everything was new! And somehow I felt that, with you, it would be okay again. And it has been, up till now. But I can't make my past go away!"

She lifted her head to look at me again, with that terrible hopeless look on her face. But it was like my eyes staring back at her were a pain she couldn't bear, and she buried her face once more in my chest, sniffling. And an amazing thing happened.

I did believe her, every word; I knew the awful truth. And I suppose I could have been reviled, angry, or just totally crushed by it. But instead all I felt was my wonderful Katie, hurting beyond belief and helpless in my arms. Nothing mattered but that I had to take care of her, make her feel better, bring her back to me. And my arms tightened around her and I kissed her hair, whispering nothings, only wanting to make her feel better.

We went on our weekend, and spent it almost entirely in our room, in bed. But it wasn't about sex. We were just wrapped up in each other, healing, bonding, loving, almost becoming one. I assured her over and over that nothing before "us" mattered, that we could go on without ever addressing the past again. Once she tried to swear that she would be loyal and faithful to me but I stopped her. "Sweetheart, I already know that, just as you must know I'll always be yours. If I thought anything else we wouldn't be here now. For me this is day one. Not the rest of our lives but simply, our lives."

And for more than six wonderful years, that's how it was. We married that summer and it was like living a dream. I never knew such happiness was possible.

And then there was the accident.

It's one of those things you see on television and just shake your head. She went shopping one evening, to buy me a birthday present I think. And got hit by a car speeding through the parking lot. DOA at the hospital. It seemed just too simple to be true. And too final. I was almost literally a basket case. My mind shut off. I'd have killed myself in an instant, but I couldn't think clearly enough to do it. And I ended up in a hospital.

I fought it, I really did. I didn't want to get better. I had a vision of Katie in my mind, just smiling at me, and I focused on it, never intending to let it go. In some of my more lucid moments I begged them to let me be with her. I wouldn't listen to the people who tried to council me.

Then, one day, the vision spoke to me. I swear it did. "Robbie, do it for me."

That's all she said. I didn't even know what she meant. At first I thought, suicide, to join her forever, but I had been willing to do that from the start, any way possible, at the first opportunity. And I really went out of my mind.