The Husband's Story

I wondered a little about why it had been as good as it was. Was it because I was feeling more positive than I had for a while, or was Lue thinking of something (or someone) else?

It was late on the Friday of the following week that I received confirmation of the contract. I celebrated alone with a bottle of excellent red after the kids had gone to bed, then meandered off to bed myself.

On Saturday morning I told Lue the news. "And it will keep me busy, so we'll need you to come back to do the admin stuff again," I said. I couldn't quite read the expression that flitted briefly across her face, but I was pretty sure she must have wondered whether this was what she really wanted.

**********

The 'Seagull Philosophy'

Sometimes things happen that send all the blocks tumbling into place at just the right time, revealing a pattern that hasn't been particularly clear before. I was down at a pub getting to know a group of people from my new client. Just about everybody had finished up and gone home and there were just three of us left at the bar.

I had been doing my usual thing and talking about responsibility for achieving results at work and I happened to say "But people need to be free to make their own decisions before you can hold them responsible."

One of my new acquaintances said "Like the freedom to fly."

I enquired what he meant and he said that he and his colleague belonged to a group who called themselves 'Seagulls'. The book Jonathan Livingston Seagull had been published about five or six years before and they said it explored the idea of freedom. Although it had been extremely popular, I hadn't read it, and I said that I must buy a copy. He said the group had a philosophy: If you love something, set it free. If it's yours, it will come back to you. If it doesn't, it never was.

That evening, I rolled that thought around in my head as I lay alone in bed. It had been thirteen years since the incident on the bus. Lue's message You Don't Own Me had opened me up to a change in my possessive beliefs. Over the years I had come to realise that Albert Ellis was right: How you feel about something that happens is determined as much by what you believe as it is by the external event.

And what I believed now was very different from what I believed thirteen years ago.

On the way through those thirteen years I had met and was still friends with a group of people who considered having sex with somebody who wasn't their spouse was, in Anneke's words, "a bit of variety" and a good thing. Anneke had said "Think about it" and I was now, after all this time, thinking about it.

I no longer believed and felt what I had believed and felt back then about possessive relationships. Mindsets change. Could I also change what I believed and felt about married relationships? Things had happened that led me to change my possessive beliefs over time. This would have to be a much more conscious process. Ellis called it 'disputing' your beliefs.

Would it be so damaging to our marriage if Lue had sex with Ray? Could it possibly even do our marriage some good? After all, it was two years since Lue had been as happy, confident and outgoing as she was now, and I believed it was a good thing that she had so much of her old confidence back. Would it so be terrible if she took the next step? I wanted her to be happy. Would she be even happier if she had sex with Ray?

What is so critical about a penis entering a vagina anyhow?

I drifted off to sleep still pondering the thought: If you love something, set it free. If it's yours, it will come back to you. If it doesn't, it never was.

I did love her. Of course I still loved her. Our marriage may have been going through a rocky stage, but you don't live with another person with the intensity of the love we had for each other and then just see it evaporate. Could I be secure and confident enough to set her free? If I did, would she come back to me? I certainly would want her to. But then, if I didn't set her free, would I lose her anyhow? Indeed, would I be more likely to drive her away if I tried to keep her caged?

After all, I didn't own her.

I bought Jonathan Livingston Seagull and read it the following night. It's not a big book. It's about a bird who flies for the sake of flying. All the other seagulls fly so that they can find food, but Jonathan works day and night to achieve perfection in flight technique.

Now, nobody in their right mind does something for the sake of doing it. The only reason for doing something is to achieve a result. There is no other reason. None. For a goal-oriented person like me, this book was interesting and I read it several times. But it was irrelevant to my situation.

However, people were telling me that what they were calling the 'seagull philosophy' was a quote from something written by the book's author, Richard Bach. I searched, but never found it. But anyhow, after all these years, Jonathan Livingston Seagull still sits there on my bookshelf.

It appears that several people have said it, although they said "If you love someone set them free. . . ." They weren't talking about seagulls. Even Khalil Gibran had said it (although I never found it in my copy of The Prophet). Regardless of who said it first, what I had come to know as the Seagull Philosophy helped me put a lot of my thoughts together and plan a positive way forward in our marriage.

**********

Have you had sex with him yet?

Lue handed in her resignation on the Monday after we talked about the new contract. She gave a month's notice, which was inconvenient for us but we agreed that it was the right thing to do to give the company time to find Lue's replacement. It was early in that four-week period that I learned of the seagull and made some critically important plans for the weeks and months ahead.

Lue was late home as usual on the first Friday night of her notice period. She had been "explaining to Ray about leaving" and telling him that she wanted to maintain the friendship after she left. The next few weeks passed, and on her last night she booked a room in a motel near the factory. She said that her workmates were going to have a few farewell drinks at the end of shift and she didn't want to drive home affected by alcohol.

She came home early on Saturday morning and made breakfast while I got the kids ready for their sporting activities. She told me that she had a good night at the end of shift. They had a farewell cake and a few drinks and then she had gone to the motel for the evening.

The weekend passed normally, and then on Monday I headed off early to the new client's premises. Monday evening felt strange. Lue was home. She made dinner for the children and me. She told me that Ray had phoned during the day and he wanted to talk with her about Julie and her pregnancy. "I'll drive over there tomorrow night after he has finished his shift if that's OK with you," she said.

By this stage I was sure that there was a strong sexual element to their relationship and probably full sex. I had decided that if they were fucking it was no big deal so long as it was just, as Anneke described it, 'a bit of variety'. The thing I had to do was make sure I didn't lose her. I needed to plan a time to explain to her about the seagull philosophy and let her know how it had impacted on my beliefs and my feelings.

The kids were put to bed and Lue took my hand. "Care for a cuddle" she said and drew me into our bedroom. I told her that was the best idea I had heard for quite a while.

It was not only the best idea I had heard in a long time, it was also the best sex we'd had in a long time. I said to her "That was incredible. We've been missing out for a while. You seemed to be making up for lost time."

We drifted off to sleep. It had been good. Now was not the time to raise the issue that was dominating my thinking.

The next evening we went to bed early. I reached across to put my hand on a rather tense body. Clearly tonight would not be a repeat of the night before. I dozed off and half woke as Lue slipped out of bed sometime before 11 to head off for her tryst. "Say Hi to him from me," I said. I was fast asleep when she came back home.

On Wednesday night, Lue and I put the kids to bed, watched a bit of television, then went into the bedroom. We lay back in bed and talked about her friendship with Ray. She said that in a way she rather missed being at work in the evenings and it had been good to see Ray again last night.

It was the opportunity I needed to let her know that I had a fair idea how far her relationship with Ray had progressed. I said "Have you had sex with him yet?"

She looked at me with a shocked expression. I didn't want to give her the opportunity to reply and possibly deny what had become quite obvious, so I continued: "Because if you haven't done it yet, I think you should."

With everything that had happened so far, Lue hadn't told a really big lie. She hadn't told me the whole truth, and she had told a few fibs to avoid revealing what she had been doing. But she hadn't told the big one, and to put her in a position where she might do that would create a situation that would be more difficult to recover from.

"What? Why is that?" she exclaimed.

"Because if you don't, you will never know what might have happened. It's just so obvious that you want to, and if I say you can't will you do it anyway? You're a free person and I can't control what you do just like you can't control what I do.

And what if you decide not to have sex with Ray because I told you not to? What then? Will you have to stop seeing him altogether? I couldn't possibly live with you resenting me because I stopped you.

And what will happen if you do have sex? You will still be you and I will still love you. I hope it won't become so serious that it takes you away from me and the kids, but it will eat away inside you and it will be more likely to take you away if I say you can't do it."

We both went quiet after that, each lost in our own thoughts.

On Thursday, I was home for the day. After the kids had gone and the morning things were all done and out of the way, Lue said "Don, we need to talk."

I thought 'Good. Honesty time.'

We sat in the lounge room facing each other and she told me everything. There had been a long lead up over the year with her infatuation, but the real action had only started the first Friday night after the rabbit-shooting weekend when she had come home late. They had driven down to a bushland reserve and made out in the kombi. It had progressed as the weeks went on, but she hadn't allowed him to fuck her until the night she left work and stayed in the motel. They had done it a second time last night in the kombi.

So. Another man had romanced my wife and twice had sex with her. The critical question was 'Is this a threat to our marriage or is it just 'a bit of variety'.'

"Do you love him?" I asked. Lue said she didn't know. She was confused. I wasn't. If it was an all-encompassing love, she would know it. It was a love of sorts, I'm sure. Lue has lots of love for lots of people. But it certainly wasn't the threat to our marriage that I had feared it might be. Yes, she had taken her freedom, but I was sure she would come back so long as she knew I would welcome her back when she did.

And even though we had quite a way to go to recover the marriage and the love we had for each other before things started going badly for us, at least the sex had undergone a dramatic improvement. I said "Lue, if what you are doing means that we have more nights in bed like Monday, I won't complain."

I said it, I meant it, and she could see that I meant it. She said "Can I see him tomorrow night?" She was asking my permission! I said that of course she could. "And will you take the seats out of the kombi to give us space? . . . Please?"

She went down on one knee and put her hands together in a mock pleading gesture. I laughed. "A cuddle first, then I'll take the seats out." We went into the bedroom, stripped off and made beautiful love - even better than Monday night.

I quizzed her afterward and she admitted yes, she had been thinking of Ray while she was doing it with me. She hoped it would go away after a while. So did I, but now we had the whole thing out in the open there was plenty of time for that. I told her "I'm not complaining. If it stays as good as this, you can think of him all you like. Letting him have half of you has given me a wife who is twice as sexy and twice as exciting as she used to be." It was true.

On Friday night she had her "bit of variety" with Ray on the floor of the kombi. On Saturday night we made love and once again it was wonderful.

We were now able to talk openly about her feelings and the way her relationship with Ray had developed and how it was progressing. Now that it was completely open between us, her attitude had become especially happy and playful - as playful as she had been when she was in her teens. She was quite coquettish. I was finding her delightfully attractive.

It was good.

**********

The affair comes to an end

I was away on the next Wednesday and she 'entertained' Ray at home. This was a step into new territory and I was concerned that what they were doing should not become public. She assured me that they were being careful. And it had been during school hours, so the children were not a concern.

Julie was due to give birth, and Ray had arranged a week off work to be with her. He took her into hospital and Lue went over there to look after their son and take him to Julie's parents for a few days. The babe arrived and Lue suggested to Julie and Ray that he come and stay with us while she was in hospital. The birth had been difficult and Julie would be in hospital for a few days, and they all agreed that would be a good idea.

That evening at home after dinner when the kids were in bed was strange. I felt quite relaxed, but Ray was clearly nervous. Not surprising, I suppose. It can't be easy trying to have a normal conversation with a married couple when the husband knows that you are having an adulterous affair with his wife.

Lue set up the spare room for Ray, said goodnight and then joined me in the main bedroom. We snuggled up close together and talked about the evening. On Sunday they went over to the hospital and spent most of the day visiting Julie and the baby. When they returned we had dinner, and Lue put the kids to bed. We sat talking for a while and then, while Ray was out of the room, she came over and sat on my knee. "Could I have him with me in bed tonight?" she whispered. "Would you take the spare room so we can have the big bed?"

Ray came back into the lounge room. I nuzzled up and whispered in her ear. "OK, you can be his for tonight," I said, rather amused by the boldness of her request. "But I will want you to make it up to me all next week." I stood up and went into our bedroom to get my clothes for Monday morning.

I took my things into the spare room and changed into my pyjamas. Lue came in and sat beside me for a goodnight kiss. I hugged her close and put a hand on her thigh. "No, please, not tonight," she said. "I can't really do this with you when I am going to be with him."

"OK. Tonight you're his." She stood to leave. "Enjoy yourself," I said. "I want to hear all about it tomorrow afternoon."

They had sex that evening and again the following morning. The vignette at the beginning of this story outlined the strange situation that occurred when I had to get my tie from the wardrobe in the master bedroom.

I was out with a client all day Monday, and Ray and Lue spent the day visiting Julie in hospital

Ray slept in the spare room that evening, and Lue and I snuggled up together in our bed. We talked quietly about what had happened the night before and laughed about me walking in that morning. We didn't make love. Somehow it wasn't something either of us wanted to do while Ray was in the next room, possibly listening. It had been a peculiar feeling hearing Lue with Ray. Somehow I just didn't want Ray to hear us doing it.

Lue said she thought I had sounded a bit disappointed last night when she left me to go to bed with Ray, and that she hadn't intended to make me jealous in any way.

This was something I really wanted her to understand. I told her that I would never be jealous, but I was envious. Jealousy would say that I didn't want her to be giving herself to Ray. No, I wasn't jealous. I was very happy for her to be doing what she wanted, to be getting pleasure from it, and to be a happier and more confident person as a result.

But I did envy Ray's ability to turn her on and I would have loved to be doing the same.

I said "Look, it's obvious that what Ray and you have together is new; it's fresh, it's thrilling and it's intense. There's no way I can compete with that, and I don't see myself in competition with Ray anyhow. It was never my intention to try to win.

But I don't intend to lose, either."

It's a bit difficult for a couple who had been together for as long as we had to match the level of novelty and excitement (and, in their case, naughtiness) a couple experience in a new relationship. Lust is different to love. But the way we had grown together over those years was definitely worth hanging on to. "I don't want to lose it and I hope you don't either" I said.

Lue said she didn't want to lose it either, and she loved me now more than ever. Neither of us would have said that a year ago.

On Tuesday while I was out, Ray and Lue collected Julie and the baby from the hospital and brought them home. We had decided that they should all stay overnight and Ray would take them home tomorrow. When I came home that evening I could tell that there had been a change in Lue. It was more than her just being careful to avoid giving Julie any hint of what she had been doing with her husband, it was a change that I could sense went much deeper.

That evening we had dinner and put Julie and the baby to bed in the main bedroom where they had space in the king size bed. The eldest of our children had chosen that night to occupy the spare bedroom, so Lue, Ray and I set up blankets and pillows on the lounge room floor. I dropped off to sleep almost immediately.

Lue told me the next morning that she and Ray had said their goodbyes while Julie and I were asleep. As Ray and Julie drove away, she turned to me and said "It's over."

"I had a bit of an idea that it might have been," I replied." What brought it to an end?"

"Neither of us needs it any more," she said. I asked her if she was sure she didn't. "No, that's it," she replied. I told her that I would hate us to just go back to how we were before and she assured me that would never happen.

My seagull had come back.

**********

Guilt

The suddenness of the end to the affair surprised me. However, Lue didn't want to talk about it over the next couple of weeks. She visited Julie on two occasions "to see how the baby was getting on", but I was fairly sure there was a large element of wanting to ensure that Julie was OK, and that she didn't know that her husband had been having an affair. Fortunately, that did appear to be the case and we didn't see Ray or Julie after that.

When Lue did finally start talking about it, she said that from the time she and I had started openly discussing her having sex with Ray she realised that the liaison was indeed just 'a bit of variety'. The early days of the affair had been an escape from the unhappiness at home and a very much needed boost to her image of herself as a sexy woman. For a while she had thought it could be love, but by the end she knew it was just sex. And although the morning in the marital bed was the best sex of the whole affair, by then she was starting to realise it was coming to an end. Driving the parents home from the hospital with the newborn babe confirmed to her that it had to be so.