The Knowing Ch. 06

JAAN

Now

Jaan couldn't shake the feeling that he was dreaming. It took him hours to walk back to his apartment and all he could think about was their last time together.

In the fall of their senior year he had done a stupid thing. A thing he thought could get her to wake up, or admit her feelings or... something. The truth was, he had wanted to fuck Katey. Not just because she was hot (which she was) but also because he wanted to hurt Santos. He was young and self-centered and upset that she never paid him the attention that he wanted. Especially when he felt he spent so much time, thinking, and pining after her, a girl, who, it seemed most of the time, was totally oblivious, or couldn't care less.

Katey was always there though. She went to his games. She sat in the row front row behind the team. She cheered the loudest. She smiled at him, giggled with her friends and pointed at him. She was tall, and thin, with beautiful perky breast that she showed off in tank tops and tight shirts, and long silky deep red hair.

Other guys on the team drooled at the sight of her, perplexed as to why Jaan hadn't taken her out on a date yet. She was a sophomore, and she followed him everywhere. She found excuses to find him outside of classes, or to skip class and ride with him to lunch off campus. She was beautiful and attentive, a little funny and Jaan perceived, that when she wasn't pretending to act dumb to make him feel good about himself, very smart. All this was great, perfect even, the thing was, she wasn't Santos.

He couldn't explain it. Even after he had tried to break away from her after he asked if David was her boyfriend, even after he had slept with those other girls, he still found himself sneaking into her room at night, holding her and panting into her skin. Asking her to tell him something, anything. He still watched her closely in the hallways, her locs tangled in a short ponytail, or laying wild around her face. He found himself hard at the mere glimpses of her skin, which she usually kept fully covered in jeans and extra large t-shirts.

They spent 4 weeks away from each other the summer before their senior year, while she and her brothers visited family in Martinique. During that time Jaan thought he would lose his mind. He spent those weeks riding his bike from court to court around town looking for pickup games to join, reading his mother's books, and catching up with friends, distractedly, while he thought about what she might be doing or seeing while she was away. She came back more obtuse than ever, quiet in his presence and wanting him to fuck her roughly, like he hated her almost. Things had been off between them ever since those 3 weeks he spent trying to forget her. It seemed, to him at least, in the time since then, he had become more open. His heart, his emotions bare to her. He told her he wanted her frequently, while she withdrew deeper into the sex, becoming needy to his touch but saying less.

At the beginning of the summer Jaan had had a lot of night games, so he saw her less, and then she went away. And though they had sex, and she still laughed around him and told stories, Jaan could feel her drifting from him, scared of something, and reluctant to say anything to him that wasn't a joke or a command about how to fuck her.

Katey came in at the right time. Santos never went to a single game, especially now that her brother was off at college, it seemed she had no reason to be there. She'd quicker traveled the 4 hrs to see one of her brother's games on a Friday night then to stick around and watch Jaan play. He understood that was her brother and all, but she could at least come to one game. On the evenings that she went to Jaan's house to do homework, the night usually ended with her giving him, what Jaan perceived as, a lackluster blowjob, whatever she could do to get Jaan from pawing her all night or she initiated sex by sliding her hand into his lap and holding him, though Jaan knew, at times, she just wanted to touch him there.

His entire problem was that he was so deeply in love with her it made him sick. He had no idea what to do with his emotions, pouring them into her just seemed to make her pull away and trying to run away from her just made him even more devoted. He had no idea what to do except to make her jealous. And there was Katey, ready and willing, waiting for him to just say yes.

So, he said what he said, and waited. He figured, after a few weeks, she'd crawl back to him, show up at his doorstep with her backpack in hand and ask for his help with homework. Or finally, go to one of his games and watch him. But that hadn't happened at all. Instead she became a stranger. Jaan couldn't even catch her gaze in the hallway. It was like he didn't even exist, actually, it was worse than that, she looked at him like she didn't even know him. Not with contempt, or emptiness, but with a total and complete blankness that belied the extent to which she knew every part of his being. It was like their nearly 2 years together had never happened.

So he made a show of Katey. He kissed her in the hallways near the classrooms where he knew that Santos took classes. He purposely started going to the library and taking Katey with him. Strategically placing himself at tables that were far enough for it to not be obvious that he was there for her, but close enough to be in her line of sight. When she stopped going to the library for lunch, he stalked the lunch periods to see which one she ate during. When he figured out she started eating during D lunch, he convinced Katey and the entire Basketball team to start eating D lunch, just so he could make out with Katey and make as much noise as they could in the lunchroom. She sat off to the side with a few other kids, including David Otebenga and she steadfastly and completely ignored Jaan.

This lasted months. And while she withdrew further from him he continued to date Katey, and occasionally fuck other girls, in hopes that eventually she would call a truce, and crawl back to him. But he wouldn't go to her. He had groveled and dragged his heart across the earth for her love already and he wouldn't do it again. She had to commit.

It wasn't until Spring Break, when he visited Sanchez, who was home for the holiday, that it occurred to him that she really might have forgotten him.

He sat with Sanchez on stools at the island of his kitchen, drinking tea that his mother had made for them, though it had to be nearly 80 degrees outside. Sanchez was vibrant. He was playing on the A-team at his university and it seemed he had somehow gotten even more beautiful in the time he had been away, his teeth whiter, his skin clearer, his eyes brighter. Jaan remembered how close they had been while he was still in high school, before his obsession with Santos began.

Jaan heard her before he saw her, her feet shuffling down the hardwood steps, her footsteps light and heavy at the same time. It was Sunday morning. Jaan was visiting relatively early because he was playing in a summer league and practice had already begun. They were brutal early morning practices that started at 6:30 and went until to 9. He had driven over after practice, a drive that he could do in his sleep from any point within 20-mile radius of their house, he always knew the quickest way to get to Santos.

On the drive over he paid attention to his heartbeat, it seemed to beat faster the closer he got. He was going there to see Sanchez, he knew that, but it would be the first time in months that he would be back in the Brown house, and there was always the chance that he might see her. That she might finally acknowledge him, that maybe this dry spell, this crazy vortex that he had been in would finally, finally end.

They had been in the kitchen for maybe an hour before he heard her. As soon as her foot hit the first step his breath halted, he could feel the subtle way that his heart began to pick up pace. He stilled, still listening to Sanchez, but waiting, waiting for the moment when she would come into his line of sight. Shuffling into the kitchen, Sanchez called out to her.

"What time did you wake up this morning Santos?" Sanchez asked. He always had a particular tone with her, part admonishing, part adoring. She stood on the other side of the counter from them and looked at Sanchez, before looking for a at Jaan. It was the same look she gave him in the hallways. Like she couldn't quite place him, like she had no idea who he might be.

"I think 7 or so." She said, turning her back to them and heading to the fridge.

"It's 10:30, why are you now getting out of bed? I told you I could help you with the pre-calc stuff, lets get on it." Sanchez said.

Santos scratched her head and then sighed deeply her back still to them. She pulled a carton of orange juice out of the fridge and then shut it, "It doesn't matter really, does it?"

"It doesn't matter? If you don't pass this class they'll make you do your senior year again! Please, lets do this work this morning."

She was failing. Jaan sat up straight and tried to catch her eye for a moment. How could she be failing? She had been doing so well earlier in the year, for once it seemed like she actually understood. But then again; that had been months ago.

She poured herself a cup of juice silently, putting the carton back in the fridge and walked over to the counter. "When he leaves we can do it." She said taking a sip. She walked around the counter back towards the stairs, Jaan could barely contain the urge to reach out and touch her.

Jaan watched her retreating back and said quickly without even thinking, "I can help you." He cleared his throat and then shifted in his seat looking surreptitiously at Sanchez before turning back to Santos. "Ummm, when Sanchez goes back I mean, like, I can help you." Santos looked at him. It was one of the first times they had directly looked each other in, Jaan couldn't remember how long, He saw it there, in here eyes, in that moment, she was done with him.

"Nah," she said shrugging her shoulders and then turning around toward the stairs cup in hand. "I'm alright" she threw over her shoulder as she disappeared from view.

So that was it. She was done with him. Jaan felt it so firmly, that this casualness wasn't an act, but truly, her unflinching sentiments toward him and the entire situation. She was casual because what else was there? That's it, they were done. And why shouldn't they be? Not only had he basically said he wouldn't dare be seen with her in public, he had proceeded to flaunt Katey Cerra in her face for months. Going out of his way to dry hump her in the library, in the lunchroom, and any other possible space that he knew she would be. Why the fuck wouldn't it be over? What the hell had he been thinking?

He could sense Sanchez saying something to him, but he could barely hear him. In his head all could hear was his own voice asking him over and over again, What have you done? What have you done? What have you done?

Marlena was sat in Jaan's apartment when he finally reached his door.

"Jesus Jaan, where have you been?" She rushed up to him and put her hands on his cold face, pulling him into a kiss looking deeply into his eyes. She furrowed her brown and starred at him. "I called your office 3 hours ago, they said you left. I figured you'd be here around 7."

That meant it was past 10 o' clock. He pulled her hands off his face and pulled her into a tight hug, burying his face into her neck, inhaling her scent and relishing the feeling of her soft hair against his cheek. He shut his eyes tight. And there she was. Her blue Jacket and white pants, her hair beautiful and long, her skin, that same dark brown skin that had haunted him for years. She looked so familiar, and against all his better judgments, against the years he spent looking for her, and the years he spent forgetting her, against everything that he had worked for, she had walked into his office and it was still right there staring him in his face. He wanted her.

"Are you ok?" Marlena asked him.

He pulled her closer, "Yea, it's just," he opened his eyes and looked at the wall, "I love you."

And he did love her. So Santos had walked back into his life, that want, that need, hadn't left him. So what? He was an adult now. He was engaged. Marlena was his fiancé. He was committed to this, a life that made sense, a life that didn't include his unwavering obsession with Santos. He couldn't do it again, he wouldn't do it again, and though at other points in his life he had hoped, begged, prayed, and waited patiently for this moment, he wasn't going to do it. He wasn't going to fall down that rabbit hole again- he was staying right here.

He pulled himself away from Marlena and looked at her. She smiled at him, and kissed his cheek, "I love you too."

She loved him. So why couldn't he forget Santos? The way she felt in his arms, how he felt in hers. Why the fuck wouldn't he forget her.

Jaan couldn't help but remember the last time between them. The last time he had been with her. Prom.

After his realization in the kitchen over spring break, Jaan had sulkily continued his relationship with Katey, and continued cheating on her, now, with impunity. He didn't even try to hide it. Not only was he openly holding hands and stealing sly kisses with girls in public places. He had told her more than once that he had fucked other girls. She stayed with him, and Jaan was too much of a coward to break up with her.

Two weeks before Prom after a tense and honest conversation with Katey, he decided to clean himself up. He stopped his bullshit with the other girls. He paid more attention to her. He remembered that he was her first real boyfriend, the first guy she had sex with, and he tried his best to work things out. He knew already he was going to break up with Katey right after graduation, but he wanted his last weeks with her to be good. He wanted to be good to her.

He still watched Santos though. That had never stopped. The truth was he couldn't help himself. If he saw her around school, if they passed each other in the hallways he always looked at her. He always hoped she would look back at him, but she never did.

Jaan and Katey made a pretty picture at prom. She wore a beautiful light pink chiffon gown that swept gracefully across the floor and was encrusted with flashy diamonds around the single strap that gracefully laid on her shoulder. Her firm perky breast sat perfectly in the bodice and Jaan couldn't help but be excited to take her out of it later. He wore a Navy suit with a tie that matched her dress. He kept it pretty low key, no cummerbund or flashy extra accessories, but his mother cried when she saw him. He looked just like his father.

They rented a limo with their friends and he held her hand tight. Katey looked at him beaming. She was happy, and Jaan was glad to know that he was the source of her happiness, that he was doing something right for once. They had a good night. They laughed and danced, and she stayed close to his side, she was easily one of the most beautiful girls there, her red hair curled and gorgeous

Toward the end of the night Jaan saw Santos. She was clearly drunk, and laughing loudly with a group of people, mostly boys. She was sitting on the lap of one of them, he had his hands around her waist and was holding her inexpertly but possessively. She was wearing a short red halter dress with a high neck and a completely exposed back. She looked good, but completely unlike herself in a way that made Jaan uncomfortable and upset. Her hair was pulled off to the side with a gold clip, that was too flashy and too ostentatious for her low key and irreverent style. She wanted to impress someone. He figured it was that boy's lap she was sitting on. The kids name was Jeremy. He was also a Senior, a skateboarder, who Jaan had bought weed from once. He was black and that made Jaan instantly jealous. Actually all the boys she sat with were black and so were their dates, and Jaan felt for the first time felt the insurmountable gap of race flow between them.

He watched her from the dance floor with Katey, for- he wasn't sure how long. The longer he watched her the more his mood deflated, sliding down and dragging down his thoughts and movements. She was going to fuck that Jeremy kid. He knew it. The Jeremy kid kept moving his hand up to her bare back and caressing her there, and Jaan couldn't stop himself from thinking of all the times he had kissed her there, or held her there. All the times she had shared her body with him. Now she was going to share it with some idiot on a skateboard who sold drugs.

He watched her lean into Jeremy and then whisper something in his ear that he laughed at hard, throwing his head back and baring his teeth. She had become someone else. This wasn't the Santos he knew, not the girl with the funny stories and cruel jokes, not the girl who spent most of the time with her brothers and purposefully wore mismatched socks to school. Not the girl whose bed he had laid in, who he worshipped unwaveringly- who he had left. He didn't know this girl.

Katey could sense his shift in mood, and he tried to his best to hide it from her, but she stared at him as he looked off the dance floor.

"What's wrong?" she mouthed when she finally caught his eye through the dimmed lights and colorful strobes that criss crossed the dance floor. Jaan watched the purple and green lights dance across Katey's face, her exuberant glow from earlier in the night was fading fast and he hated knowing that he was the one doing this to her. He looked at her, and pulled her close whispering in her ear.

"Are you having fun?" he asked

"Yes, but... what's wrong you look so..."

Jaan squeezed Katey, and then pulled back and kissed her on the lips. He twirled her around and she laughed, so Jaan did it again before pulling her into an open mouthed kiss.

It was practice. In his lifetime, Jaan would learn to pay attention, adore, and eventually love women who were not Santos. He could be drawn to their beauty (this was always the easiest thing), their bodies and their voices. The way they made him feel, the way he could project his hidden desires onto them, they way he knew he could numb his feelings when he got sex. Katey was the first one, but there would be countless others eventually. Ones who helped him file away at that ache that never seemed to go away, who helped him forget, even if it was only temporary.

Jaan left Prom with Katey not long after that. She had to be home that night, but her parents had set her curfew for 2 am. Jaan's mother would be leaving early the next morning around 5am for another one of her 2-week posts out in Pennsylvania. So he couldn't take Katey back to his place. Instead they hung out with friends for a while at a Diner and then Jaan drove Katey to the commons of the local college campus and walked with her there for a while. They held hands, and they talked briefly about what would happen once he graduated. Jaan was purposefully vague, evasive, making sure to say nothing too concrete, and kissing her slowly, and purposefully whenever he felt like she might cry. Katey did not want the night to end, and Jaan was weak so he fucked her in the back seat of his car, with her straddling him and crying into his suit while he willed himself to not think about Santos.

He dropped her off eventually, an hour past her curfew. He watched her run into her house, and waited until her bedroom light turned on to drive himself back home. Jaan could hear the sounds of his mother's heavy snoring when he opened the door to his house. He would miss it while she was away, and while he never thought himself much of a mama's boy he suddenly realized that he would miss her when he went off to college. He didn't have anyone else. It had been just the two of them his entire life, and standing in the middle of his foyer he felt incredibly lonely. He used to be so close to his mother when had they drifted away? And more pressing, why didn't the one person he wanted unflinchingly without barriers want him back?