The Lazarus Gambit

As Harley pounded his way in and out of E Rex's ass, he would wrap his hands around E Rex's balls and cock, squeezing them in time with his thrusts. He did this tenderly and secretly, belying his overt sadism.

Hambone McGoonsky would then grab E Rex's head like a basketball, and ram his shaft deeply into E Rex's mouth. During these onslaughts, Eddie could only breathe intermittently, as the hood of McGoonski's shaft would be well down his throat at perigee. But what the hell, if dolphins could hold their breath for seven minutes, so could the indomitable Oedipus "Fast Eddie" aka "E Rex" Cronejammer.

Once all of E Rex's viable orifices were completely filled (his anus and mouth sometimes hosting two cocks at once), he had to turn to manual manipulation. Usually, "Fats" Hankshaw and Tyrone Mustafa Washington would step forward and E Rex would take their cocks in his hands and began to pump them as though there were no tomorrow (and if he didn't get the whole crowd worked before the end of the rec and ed hour, there very well might be no tomorrow for E Rex).

One thing that really slowed things down was that he would have to seek out Fats "the Redemption" Hankshaw's miniscule boner, which seemed to be housed between different rolls of fat each time they engaged in these festivities. But E Rex knew one thing; he sure as hell did not want be sat upon by Fats Hankshaw ever again.

The reverse was true of Tyrone Mustafa Washington. He was so thick that E Rex could not curl his fingers around his schlong enough to give him a half-decent hand job. In fact, once he was fully erect, his espresso-colored schwantz took up so much room that several of the hopeful participants and prospective audience members would be forced to step back outside E Rex's cell and rejoin the waiting line that snaked halfway down the ward corridor. At one point the prison had bought a Baskin-Robbins number machine to eliminate the wait, but that system was always also being gamed by the inmates. They had tried the vibrating sandwich boards used by Panera Bread, but they were always being ripped apart and gamed as well.

E Rex wondered how Tyrone Mustafa Washington could even be a member of the Aryan Brotherhood. He supposed that no one wanted to be the first to tell him that he was not Aryan. Hell, given that western Asians such Indians and Pakistanis were called Aryans, maybe he was fucking Aryan.

Usually, by this time, several people had cut in line to cornhole those participants with free anuses such as Harley Brown, Hambone McGoonski, "Fats" Hankshaw, and Tyrone Mustafa Washington in the present example and configuration.

Of course there was also a line for non-cons, such as the guards, the warden, the director of the Michigan Department of Corrections, and more often than not, the Governor himself, when he could tear himself away from masturbating to fantasies of cornholing citizens helplessly reduced to pulsating blobs of protoplasm by being forced to drink brown water straight out of Flint, Michigan's taps.

And don't get me started on Visitor's Days, when half the population of southern Michigan claimed to be E Rex's nieces and nephews for the purpose of conjugal visits (the Surgeon General having ruled that incest could not further reduce the IQs of this subpopulation).

BACK TO "REALITY"

"Yo, Earth to Major Tom," Dirty Andy said, rapping on E Rex's skull. "Anybody home in there?"

"Sorry, when you asked me about cornholing, I had a little flashback," E Rex said. "In response to your question, yeah I know a little something about cornholing, but only from the receiving end."

"Well, that's a shame. We'll have to fix that. But first I have to dominate you. Make sure that you are totally submissive. We are going to meet some very vulnerable and very horny old ladies. We have to make sure that your implants are functioning properly.

"Implants?"

"I will explain later. First let's try out the Judas Loveseat." She led him over to a piece of furniture that surely was not in the IKEA catalogue. Actually it seemed to be a double Judas Cradle, a bench with two conical dildos rather than only one. Each dildo grew from anal-sized at the tip to elephant-sized at the base. E Rex knew that in the Middle Ages, the victims of the Cradle were suspended above the dildo and then lowered and impaled on the point of the cone.

"This is basically like a game of limbo, the players try to get lower and lower, and the first one to come or cry "uncle" loses."

"What happens then?"

"Well, the first one to come will get a damn fine sexual release, but will have to suffer the shame of having less control over his sexual urges than the other player, who would then get the plum assignments for a period of time. Also, the loser will forever submit to the demands of the winner or his minions."

"Minions?"

"It's a little complicated, as you will see if you lose this contest," Dirty Andy relied. "Just wait and see."

"What if the loser cries 'uncle'?"

"Then he will be locked in a room for an hour with my Uncle Bruce Banner, which always pisses him off. You would not like Uncle Bruce when he's angry."

"And what if I win?"

Then you will have demonstrated complete mastery over your base instincts and voluntary control over your sexual functioning. You will be deemed truly worthy of sexually serving AARP platinum members."

"That is all I have ever asked for, mistress," E Rex said. "OK, let's get started, I don't suppose you have a can of 10-40 motor oil around here."

"What does this look like to you, punk, a n Exxon station?"

"Might I then at least have the comfort of butter? That's what got Marlon Brando through the scene in Last Tango in Paris where he sensitively tells his ingénue (played by the generally clean-fingered and lovely actress Maria Schneider) to shove two fingers up his ass."

E Rex's PO opened the door to her fridge. "No butter in here, tiger. Only olive oil margarine."

E Rex sighed. "Oh well, when in Rome, do as the Romans do."

"I think it was mostly the ancient Greeks that did that," Dirty Andy told her charge.

"Whatever, just do it!" E Rex said, not looking forward to the event.

"I really don't need any lube," Dirty Andy said. "I am perpetually so wet and dripping that you could slide a sandpaper dildo in and out of me, and there would be no friction whatsoever. But just to show you that it's safe, I will eschew the use of my cunt and shove a whole stick of margarine up my wazoo. She rammed the already melting stick as far as she could up her ass and sat down upon the proffered dildo.

E Rex winced at the prospect, but carefully unwrapped his own stick of margarine, and shoved it as far up his ass as he could. It was more slippery than motor oil. "Wow! I can't believe its not butter!" he raved.

"You are a true connoisseur of lubricants, my voyeuristic felon. You even know the brand name. My hat is off to the sophistication of your rectum."

Dirty Andy then motioned for E Rex to squat over his dildo. She pointed at E Rex and said, "I'm going to drop you, sucka. Your fate - I'm gonna drop you at eight. I got tricks that you could never learn, no matter how hard you try."

"Try me," E Rex said. "You will find me a fast study."

"Ah, but you are lacking one of the essential tools for such acts."

"What tool might that be?" E Rex asked derisively. Anything she could do, he could do better, especially with his equipment.

"One very wet, very hungry dripping cunt."

"OK, I guess you've got me there," E Rex conceded, as she immediately plunged seven inches down on her cone.

Surprised at this move, E Rex. complained, "I didn't know you were going to just begin the beguine and eschew the wazoo."

She might have an extra jumbo snatch, E Rex thought, but she had never been fucked day after day by the likes of Tyrone Mustafa Washington. That black Aryan had reamed E Rex's ass into a cavern rivaling Mammoth Cave. E Rex saw Dirty Andy's seven inches and plunged down a full ten inches on his own cone.

"Is that all you got?" E Rex's sexual guru taunted him. "I see your ten and raise you four."

She plunged herself down fourteen inches on her arm of the Judas love seat, her face grimacing even as she smirked at him. They were facing each other, their torsos only two inches apart. She reached out to grasp his hard shaft and pressed her thumb a against the sensitive spot just below the hood, which she proceeded to rub, feeling the lubrication of his precum. She pressed her breasts against his chest. Her victory was almost at hand. She began to post up and down on her Judas mega-dildo, her surprisingly rotund and perky senescent boobies oscillating delightfully as she kissed E Rex firmly, forcing her studded tongue between his teeth and then intertwining it with his, snaking it in and out of his throat. E Rex suspected that her lingual apparatus exceeded regulation length and ornamentation levels, but he was not about to file a complaint with the Commissioner. He delighted in her forceful intrusion in his mouth and her erotic mastery of his yearning, trembling body.

He slid his hands over her well-traveled yet supple breasts, his cock getting harder as Dirty Andy began to slide her hand up and down its length, using her own long nails to open thin streams of blood on his shaft.

E Rex crushed her breasts in his strong hands, as she began to pump him harder and harder. He knew that whoever came first would lose this contest and would accrue a debt of eternal servitude to the other to the winner.

E Rex opened his hands, and raked his fingers down Dirty Andy's torso, his nails opening rivulets of blood on her delectably-freckled skin and jutting orbs and nipples. She cried out in both pleasure and pain and grabbed his cock even harder, squeezing it painfully as she pumped it faster and faster.

He brought his face to hers and kissed and licked her closed eyes, feeling the tremors of her ancient body, as he dropped his hands to her clit, massaging it wildly as her breaths came faster and faster.

Soon she would be in the throes of orgasm, and E Rex would emerge victorious.

Suddenly Dirty Andy raised her body position. She arched her back, exposing the delicacy of her rib cage. She reached around E Rex's leg and grabbed his throbbing balls. She squeezed those orbs and she suddenly dropped down like a New Year's ball on steroids, impaling herself on both E Rex's shaft and her own Judas Love seat dildo. She cried out at this double penetration, and threw her arms around E Rex's neck, snaking her quadruply-studded tongue beneath his lips as she kissed him hard, her soft long white hair falling over E Rex's shoulders.

She was losing control, and she knew it. She began to pound her craving orifices over both the Judas dildo and E Rex's cock. She squeezed his balls with her left hand in a power grip that had been honed during the hundreds of hours she had spent in the weight room. She bounced up and down on the shafts that impaled her, like a cowgirl riding a Brahma bull.

Suddenly she came, her hot waters gushing over E Rex's legs, her screams filling the street outside Dirty Andy's brownstone, prompting neighbors to point at the open window.

A couple of seconds later, E Rex came and Dirty Andy's womb was filled with hot sperm.

"Well, I guess you win," she told E Rex. " I came before you did, hot shot."

E Rex brought her mouth to his and squeezed her left tit with his right hand. He leered at her, his roving eyes suggesting that dirty Andy's body was all the prize he would ever need. "So what's my prize?"

"As I told you before, you have demonstrated complete mastery over your sexual desires and performance. You are magnificently fit to serve as a provider under our new AARP platinum program."

"And what would be my duties under this program?"

"The same as any preferred provider under such a program. You know, the usual stuff: muff-diving, pussy-licking, ass-licking, clit massage, belly-licking, ear-nibbling, fellatio, cunnilingus, eyelid-kissing, double anal penetration, high volume bukaki sessions. and Santorum immersion. Just the normal things you would expect in any such contract. I won't bore you with all the legalese. Just sign on the dotted line."

E Rex searched his naked body for a pen, but came up empty. "Don't need a pen," Dirty Andy told him. This document must be signed in jizz, not ink."

"I don't know if I can so soon after..."

"What did you say? There is no 'no' in AARP, just two 'A's, an 'R' and a 'P'."

E Rex's leg bracelet hummed and the most intense feelings of sadness and emptiness overwhelmed him.

His rod shot into the vertical and upright position.

"You see, my darling parolee, we took the liberty of rewiring your brain during your discharge physical, at the same time that we installed the ankle bracelet on your legs."

"I don't remember any of that."

"You were under general anesthesia, silly. Nobody remembers shit about what happens to them while they are under general anesthesia, especially using Michael Jackson's anesthetic of choice, propofol."

"What did you do to me? It was so awful. Everything seems so dark and hopeless!" E Rex whined, not yet the trooper he would soon become.

"What did you expect?" Dirty Andy said. "You broke one of Isaac Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics."

"What the fuck are those?"

Dirty Andy recited them:

"First Law: A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.

"Second Law: A robot must obey orders given it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.

"Third Law: A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

"Which one did I break? I feel so awful." E Rex whined.

"Why the Second Law of course. When I asked you to sign the contract in jism, you whined that you couldn't come so soon after our little rapture on the Judas Loveseat. As a result, I had to call up Mr. Boing-Boing myself through your neural interface.

"You must learn to respond to our wishes, before we have even given voice to them. You will know our most intimate thoughts and feelings through the neural interface in your leg bracelet and the interfaces that we have planted throughout your brain. You will know our deepest desires even before we do ourselves, and you must satisfy them immediately . You will be at an advantage over the rest of the new recruits, because of your deep carnal love for your mother and the sheer sickness of your gerontophiliac desires in general. You can thank mommy dearest for your initiation into all forms of depravity ever contemplated by man."

"What the fuck is gerontophilia?"

"Don't you know any fucking classical Greek roots at all, you pathetic GenXer? It means love of the elderly."

"But what's wrong with that? I love my grandma. Most of my friends love their grandmas. It's perfectly normal."

"But how normal is it to knock the Thanksgiving turkey off the table with a swipe of your arm , replacing it with your grandma, tearing her skirt off, and then eating her out - with cranberry sauce no less?"

"How bad can it be? When the cops came, they let me off with a warning."

"Yeah, but only after your grandma gave them a couple of pieces of her prize-winning apple pecan cobbler."

"She also told them that there was no harm, no foul. She asked them if they wanted to taste her cranberry sauce, but they fled at this offer, probably running back to Dunkin' Donuts, the impotent, tasteless bastards."

"Well, that's why we at AARP Platinum want you to come on board, both literally and figuratively. You already have a love and lust for seniors and even methuselahs. You will not have to overcome the repulsion and disgust of most of our would-be therapists and surrogates. You will love our clients enthusiastically and relentlessly."

"You do know that I'm a virgin, don't you?" E Rex said. " Or at least I was until you introduced me to the joys of the Rack a few minutes ago."

"One thing I don't understand," E Rex said, "what's all this robotics shit? I'm a human being , not a robot."

"Honey, this is the 21st century," Dirty Andy said. "We are all at least cyborgs now. Hell, I've got artificial lenses to replace my cataracts, one of which receives HBO. Sometimes I get confused between what is real and what is Game of Thrones. I've got a cochlear implant that plays soft jazz. My silicone breasts have motors in them so that they flop up and down during intercourse and bounce like balloons when I cross the street, which has caused more pedestrian deaths than I like to admit. My cooze has two sets of teeth and a vacuum pump, and my anus has multiple tunnels for just that special moment. That's the ultimate in cooze control.

"So don't be ashamed of being a robot. Anyhoo, we have updated Asimov's Three Laws. The term 'human' has been replaced with 'platinum AARP member,' and the term 'robot' has been replaced with 'registered sex offender'."

SEX OFFENDER REGISTRATION

"You mean I'm a registered sex offender now! Does that mean I have to put up a sign in front of my house?"

"Not to worry, my liebchen. We have already taken care of that for you. Here, I'll show you on my iPad." She turned the device around to reveal a streaming image of E Rex's house. See, it's all done. All very subtle and tasteful."

E Rex looked in disbelief. A giant crooked arrow pointed to his front door. It was composed of giant light bulbs that seemed to travel down the arrow in sequence. When they reached the tip of the arrow, the entire displayed blinked on and off in a frenzied rhythm, not unlike the "All Nude College Girls" sign over at Filthy Fred's Sex and Family Dining Emporium on Six Mile Road."

E Rex's gaze was drawn back to Dirty Annie's iPad, and he looked more closely at his former abode. There were five guys in red-and-white striped shirts working the crowd, hawking beer and peanuts. "There's a shitload of money to be made here," Dirty Andy said. "You're gonna be a cash cow for the AARP."

Actually, there seemed to be two separate crowds surrounding E Rex's house. The first stood in an orderly line seeming composed of refugees from the cast of Golden Girls, most of them wearing their Sunday finest, way too much lipstick, and twirling flowery parasols. Their unconscionably heavy application of eye shadow gave them the appearance of ghouls recently crawled out of their graves. Dirty Andy explained that these were elderly sexual pilgrims waiting their carnal blessings from E Rex. They seemed somewhat agitated. Dirty Andy told him that they were restless because E Rex was already an hour late for his coming out ceremony and wiener roast. The line was several blocks long and ran around the corner. Dirty Andy informed E Rex that the line extended several miles down Woodward as well. "Let 'em wait," Dr. Andy told E Rex. She zoomed her iPad camera out to provide a wider view of E Rex's residence.

Beside the line awaiting E Rex's sexual favors, there was also an angry crowd of repressed sex deniers and assorted prigs surrounding E Rex's abode, wielding pitchforks, machetes, axes and automatic weapons. A few even carried torches, even though it was still broad daylight. One of the guys waving a pitchfork held up a placard reading "Motown Citizens for Moral Decency." This mob was cordoned off by the police, reinforced by enthusiasts of sexual indecency and protectors of human freedom.

"We'd better wait before we try to enter your house, hoss,"Dirty Annie said. This was a tough request to for E Rex to obey given the irresistible psychic forces pulling him back to his former abode.

"This will die out after a month or two if you don't show up," Dirty Andy said. These crones have limited attention spans and memories, especially the ones who have already died. Your block will become deserted once again in the very near future. Then we can come back and set up shop."