The Liberation of Kate Shaw Ch. 08

When I woke up in the morning I felt like I’d been hit by a truck. I had not slept well after waking up from my dream of Jordan even though Kelly had held me and rubbed my back until, ironically, SHE fell asleep. I had wanted to get up and go into another room so I wouldn’t disturb her, but I knew she’d wake up if I moved, so it was a long night.

Kelly was already up, and I could smell the delicious aroma of the breakfast she was making, so I put on my robe and went to sit groggily at the table. She put a cup of coffee in front of me and kissed the top of my head.

“Well, sleeping beauty – it’s about time you woke up,” she said, her back to me as she worked at the stove.

I mumbled something into my coffee cup as I took a sip, and she laughed. The coffee had a hint of vanilla in it, something she knew was my favorite, and I could feel myself beginning to wake up a little bit.

Kelly put a plate with pancakes and sausage in front of me, then sat down across from me with her own plate. She took a look at me and widened her eyes in surprise.

“Honey, are you all right?” she asked, concerned. “You look terrible!”

“Gee, thanks,” I said wryly, reaching for a piece of toast.

“You know what I mean,” she said. “You didn’t sleep, did you?”

I sat back, the bite of toast I’d just eaten tasting like sawdust in my mouth. “No, honey, I really didn’t.”

She looked at me for a long moment, not saying anything. I looked back at her until I began to feel uncomfortable under her scrutiny.

“What?” I asked, looking away.

She sat back. “Well, I don’t need to be a rocket scientist to figure out what’s bothering you,” she said. “It’s Jordan, isn’t it?”

I sighed, putting my head in my hands wearily. “Yes,” I said.

There was a bit of silence, then Kelly said, “I think you should go see her.”

I looked up, astonished. “What?” I said incredulously. “Have you lost your mind?”

“Well, if you don’t, this will never be over for you, honey,” she said as she calmly began eating again.

I sat and stared at her as though she’d just started speaking in tongues. “I’m not so sure that’s a good idea,” I said finally.

“Why not? You’d just be going to find out what the hell happened and see where she’s been all this time, right? So what’s the big deal?”

“’What’s the big deal,’” I echoed, shaking my head.

“Well, yeah,” Kelly said, sitting back and wiping her mouth with her napkin. “I mean, trite as it sounds, I really do think you need some sort of closure to this thing with her. If you don’t get it, you will never be at peace with all of this, baby.”

I stood up and looked down at her, irritated that she seemed to be taking this so lightly. “Well, that’s easy for you to say, Kelly. I don’t think you realize what I’ve gone through because of Jordan, so I’d appreciate it if you would keep your amateur psychoanalysis to yourself.”

I turned and walked out, aware that I had probably just hurt her deeply but too unnerved to turn around and apologize. I walked into my studio and sat at the piano, not really seeing the keys at all, but just sitting because it felt like a safe place to be.

I jumped when I felt Kelly’s hand on my shoulders. She pressed up against me and hugged me around the neck from behind. I resisted and sat stiffly at first, then loosened up and reached for her hands. She began to kiss the side of my neck, raising goosebumps on my skin.

“Honey, I’m sorry,” she said between kisses. “I was not trying to analyze you or tell you what to do. It was just a suggestion, and if you think I’m wrong, then that’s the end of it. I just wanted you to know I won’t be upset if you go see her.”

“Mmmm…” I said, as she continued to kiss me. “I’m sorry, too, baby. I guess I’m just a little sensitive about this.”

“Sensitive? You mean, like here?” she asked as she slipped her hands down inside my robe. My nipples were immediately erect at her touch, and I moaned as she slid the robe off my shoulders and ran her warm hands over my bare skin. I leaned back against her as she caressed my breasts and kept kissing my neck. My hands were covering hers as she moved them over me, then she gently slid her hands down my stomach and in between my legs. She nudged my legs apart and, with her thumbs, moved up and down the outside of my pussy. I was breathing harder, leaning my head back so she could kiss my mouth, and on her lips I could faintly taste the vanilla of the coffee we’d had.

I put my arms around her neck as she stroked between my legs, and as our kiss deepened she began making the little noises in her throat that always drove me crazy. After a long moment, we pulled apart, both gasping slightly, then she took my hands and pulled me up so I was standing in front of her. She slid my robe down off of me, taking hers off and then pressing her naked body against mine. We held each other, kissing, hands in each other’s hair, until I could take it no longer.

“Honey, my god, I’m throbbing,” I said as I pulled back slightly.

She grinned and led me to our bedroom, turning to kiss me, then lying down on the bed.

“Come here,” she said in a husky voice, and I started to lie down on top of her. She stopped me, pulling me up toward her head. “I want you here, above me,” she said.

“Oh my god,” I breathed as my stomach flipped over at her words. I swung my leg over until I was straddling her face, looking down at her, and I could feel her tongue start to move on me. I reached out to grasp the railing of the headboard as my hips began to move back and forth. Kelly reached with her hands and opened me wider, then I felt her tongue moving strongly on my clit. I threw my head back as she licked me, moving back and forth over her tongue, pressing myself harder into her.

She started to moan, too, and I looked behind me to see her touching herself with one hand while holding me open with the other. The sight of her finger sliding around, in and out of her own wetness made my clit throb even harder, and I began to move faster against her tongue.

I took one hand off the railing and reached back to touch her, and the feel of how wet she was made me even hotter. She put her hand over mine as I slid my fingers up and down her clit, then moaned as I slid two fingers inside her. Her tongue began moving faster on my clit as I moved faster on hers, and I could feel the tension in both of us as we neared orgasm. I started to pull out of her as I began to come, but she held my hand down and bucked her hips into me. I could feel her contract around my fingers as she came, then my orgasm hit at the same time and I nearly screamed with pleasure.

“Ohhhh,” I moaned, lifting myself off of her and sliding weakly down beside her. She rolled over and kissed me, and I could taste myself on her lips and tongue.

“Now,” she said, lazily entwining her legs with mine and running her hands up and down my back, “do you feel better?”

“I can’t move,” I said, still catching my breath.

Kelly laughed and sat up, then bent down to kiss my nose before she got up out of bed.

“I have to shower and get ready to go to the clinic,” she said over her shoulder as she walked to the bathroom.

I was unable to summon enough strength even to wave at her, so I just lay there, spent, still trying to catch my breath, and eventually fell asleep to the sound of running water.

When I woke up, there was a note for me next to the bed. “Gone to check on my surgery patients,” it read. “Be back in a few hours.”

I sat up and shivered in the cold room, then decided to take a hot shower and try to wash some of the cobwebs out of my brain. I stood there and let the hot water stream over me as I finally began to wake up.

After I dried off and dressed in my favorite sweat pants and flannel shirt, I wandered in to the piano studio and tried to practice, but I felt too restless to sit still. I roamed aimlessly around the apartment for a while, then realized it was no use pretending. Kelly was right – I needed to talk to Jordan and put an end to things once and for all.

I left Kelly a short note to tell her I’d gone to find Jordan, then replaced my sweat pants with a pair of faded jeans and left the apartment. I decided first to go to Washington Street and take a look at her exhibit, thinking there was a chance I might find her there. The thought of driving to her apartment to see if she still lived there made my stomach hurt. I would much rather see her in public than in private, I thought.

When I got to the gallery, I looked around apprehensively, and the way my heart was pounding made me wonder if this really was such a good idea. There was no sign of Jordan, but the sight of the photos on display nearly took my breath away. It seemed she had been overseas during her time away, and had spent most of her time documenting the AIDS outbreak in Africa. The photos were haunting, shoving the reality of the deadly and heartbreaking virus right into the viewer’s face.

There were photos of deathly thin men and women, their fear and hopelessness staring out from each frame, but the most wrenching photos were of the children. I felt tears forming as I looked at one photo after another of babies and young children staring into the camera with flat, lifeless eyes, and it was all I could do not to turn away. Jacob had been right – these were definitely the most incredible photos I had ever seen.

“Can I help you with something?” said a bright, cheerful voice behind me, making me jump.

I turned around to see a young woman with bright eyes framed by large, owlish glasses standing at my shoulder.

“No, I’m fine, Rachel,” I said, reading her nametag. “I heard about this exhibit from a friend and wanted to see it for myself,” I said.

“Yes, isn’t it amazing?” she replied, looking past me to the photo of a child lying weakly on a stretcher.

“More than amazing. It’s incredible,” I said.

She focused on me again. “Were you interested in buying one of the photos?” she asked. “I can get you a price list, if you like.”

“Well, actually, I was wondering if maybe the photographer would be here right now,” I said casually. “I’m an old friend of hers, and we sort of fell out of touch.”

“No, she doesn’t come in much, now that all the photos are hung and the show is open. She was around here every day before it opened to make sure things were hung just right. She did come in yesterday to hang a couple of last minute things, but I don’t expect to see her for a while now that everything is finished.”

“Do you have a number where she can be reached, or happen to know where I could find her?” I asked. I was still trying to sound casual, but the tightness of my voice must have given me away, because the friendliness slowly drained out of Rachel’s eyes and was replaced by a slight wariness.

“Well, I’m not really allowed to give out that kind of information. Artists like Jordan really do like their privacy, you know,” Rachel said, somewhat officiously.

I stifled a laugh and gave her my card instead. “Well, maybe you could call her when you get the chance and tell her I’m looking for her. That’s not too much to ask, is it?”

She looked down at the card, then gasped and looked back at me. “Kate Shaw?” she asked, her mouth open slightly. “Kate Shaw the musician?”

Amused, I nodded, and she immediately began to blush and apologize.

“Oh, wow, I am so sorry, Ms. Shaw! I didn’t recognize you in your jeans and all... and...well...” she stammered.

“It’s Kate,” I said, laughing, “and don’t worry. I admire you protecting the privacy of your artists.”

“Well, I mean...it’s just that...,” she kept stammering and blushing, so I tried to put her at ease.

“Really, don’t worry. It’s not like I go around expecting the royal treatment or anything.”

She looked at me, confused, then her eyes widened and she said “My god! You don’t know, do you?”

“Know what?” I asked.

“Well, remember I said that Jordan was just in here yesterday to hang a couple of last minute additions to the show?” she asked, taking my hand and tugging me along behind her.

“Yes,” I said.

“Look,” she said, stopping and pointing.

I could feel the breath go out of me in a whoosh as I looked where Rachel was pointing. There, in front of me, two 11x14 black and white photos were hanging. One of them was the one Jordan had taken of me sitting at the piano in my music store, just before I’d made love to her there. The other one, the one that really left me speechless, was the one she had taken of me leaning on the log, my shirt half unbuttoned and a look of pure, intense longing on my face. She had titled it “Kate’s Desire”, and I don’t think there was any doubt as to what the object of my desire was.

I left the gallery armed with Jordan’s phone number and her new address, having dazedly signed an autograph for Rachel in exchange for the information. When I got in my car and began to drive to Jordan’s loft, I found myself becoming more and more angry with her. I could not believe she had made those photos of me part of her show, and all I could think was that I was grateful none of the musicians in the orchestra had seen them yet. I could only imagine what the reaction was going to be once they were discovered, and I was determined to confront Jordan and make her take them down.

I arrived at the loft and sat in the car for a minute gathering my thoughts. Finally, I took a deep breath, tried to control the shaking of my hands, and went up the stairs to ring the bell.

There was a long silence, and I thought maybe she wasn’t home, then I heard her voice call out “Just a minute!” and heard footsteps coming toward the door.

When she opened the door, we both stood there in shock. She was so much thinner than I remembered, and her hair was shorter and streaked light from the sun. She had a deep tan, and it seemed as though her eyes, if possible, were a deeper green than I remembered. I felt that old familiar jolt of electricity go through me when her eyes met mine, and it was all I could do to keep my knees from buckling.

“Oh my god, Kate!” she exclaimed, throwing her arms around me.

I stood stiffly, not returning her embrace although I felt another jolt when her body touched mine. She let go of me as soon as she felt my resistance, then stepped back to look at me.

“You’re pissed,” she said, folding her arms over her chest. “You’d better come inside.”

I walked past her into her loft, and the familiar scent of cinnamon and vanilla washed over me. The loft was a bright, airy place, with skylights and huge windows, and in one corner there was a doorway with a red light bulb overhead that I assumed led to her darkroom. She closed the door behind us and followed me in, gesturing me toward a comfortable looking couch. I sat down, and she sat across from me in a papsan chair and crossed her legs under her.

“So...” she said, smiling.

"Jordan, I saw the show. I saw the photos of me,” I interrupted tightly.

“Yeah, I figured you probably did,” she said, sighing.

“What the fuck were you thinking, Jordan?” I exploded, standing up and pacing around the room. “You disappear for two years and I don’t even know whether you’re alive or dead, then you show up unannounced and put photos of me – that I haven’t even SEEN – on public display? Without even asking my permission?”

She sat and listened to me calmly, watching me as I walked frantically around the room. I raved on a bit more about things, then stopped in front of her and looked down at her.

“Well?” I demanded.

“I have a question for you.”

“What?” I asked angrily.

“What are you more upset about – your photos hanging in some damn gallery, or the fact that I left and came back without telling you?”

I just stood there looking at her, speechless and unable to think of how to answer. She stood up and moved in close to me, leaning her head in until our foreheads were touching, then she slid her hands up and wrapped her arms around me, pulling our bodies close together. My arms went around her of their own accord, and I could feel the outline of her ribs and spine under the thinness of her t-shirt. She pulled me close to her and began to whisper in my ear.

“Kate, I had to go away,” she said softly, her tongue lightly flicking my ear and the side of my jaw. “You and Toby between you were driving me crazy, and I had to leave. Leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, my Katie. I never loved Toby the way I loved you.”

Our bodies began to sway together, hearts pounding against each other. My eyes were closed and I could feel my body relaxing into hers even though a part of me was screaming in my head that this was wrong, that I shouldn’t be doing this. Being in Jordan’s arms after so long felt wonderful, but I felt surreal somehow, like I was looking at myself from outside my body. She was still whispering in my ear, and the feel of her lips against my skin was creating that funny feeling in my stomach.

Her hands slid down my back to the waistband of my jeans, and I felt her slip inside my underwear and touch the skin of my lower back. I gasped and tried to move, but she held me firmly and stroked my skin until I was still again. She moved one of her legs in between mine and gently nudged them apart, then slid her hands around to the front of my jeans and unbuttoned them.

“No,” I said, my voice cracking, but I could not seem to tear myself away from her.

“Shhh,” she said into my ear, then slid the zipper of my jeans down and spread them open. She slid her hand down inside the front of my underwear, one arm around my back as she pushed me into her and her hand probed between my legs. She found my wet slit and slid her fingers down onto me, and I moaned as she moved up and down.

“Yes, Katie...yes...just let it go baby...” she whispered as my hips moved and my hands slid up inside her shirt. My head was against her shoulder, and I could feel the muscles working there as she kept moving her hand on me.

I watched her hand as if mesmerized. Again, I felt as though I was outside my body watching all of this happen. I could feel sensations begin to build inside, and as though Jordan could sense it, too, she started moving her hand faster, touching me more roughly. The orgasm hit with such force that I cried aloud and threw my head back, feeling Jordan’s strong arms support me. My arms were around her shoulders, and as she held me up while I caught my breath, it came to me in a rush what had just happened.

I stiffened and pulled against her. She tried to hold me, but I pushed hard until she was forced to let me go. I stumbled back and stared at her as I fastened my jeans, shaken and appalled by what we had just done.

“Katie, I...” she began.

I held up my hand to stop her. I could not imagine what she was about to say, and I knew I didn’t want to stay around to hear it. I grabbed my keys and fled the loft, aware of her calling out to me but not stopping. I got in my car and drove away quickly, but I began shaking so badly after a few minutes that I had to pull over. As I sat there waiting for the shaking to stop, my phone rang. I jumped, having forgotten I had it with me, and my heart sank when I saw that it was Kelly calling from home.

“Hi,” I answered, trying to make my voice sound as normal as possible.

“Hey there, honey. I just got home and found your note. Is everything all right?”

As if from a distance, I heard myself say, “Yes, everything is fine.”

“Did you find Jordan?” she asked, completely unaware that my heart was shattering into a million pieces.

“Yes, I found her,” I said dully.

“Well? Did you get to see her or speak to her?” she asked.

“Yes,” I said.

“What’s wrong? You sound strange, baby.”